By_My-$elf's journal

[By_My-elf]

Well yeah starvation O.o

IDK ever since I heard what was goin on I don't really feel like eating

well now that I'm cooled off and I'm thinking about me for now -.-;

I'm hungry maybe I should eat before I end up collapsing out of exhaustion

and bein thirsty and tired -.-;

 

and before the pain starts kicing in again and I don't feel like eating o.o;

[Lenneh]

Better do it you're only hurting yourself if you keep up the not-eating :O

[By_My-elf]

but right now I'm too tired and lazy XD

[stupidsoul1]

Glad your aunty is alive =)

[By_My-elf]

Uuhhh sorry to say it but

she died yesterday at 8:15

and that I'm gonna try and go to the funeral

sometime this week......

[Jeezy]

^^ Damn man...I feel sorry for you....

[By_My-elf]

Naw it's okay don't have to be

well just got up and everything is shitty >.<

today no-where to go why bother with no friends

I won't bother with them until all this sht could just process.

Right now I wish I could just wake up and someone telling me it' was a bad dream

but one thing is for sure thats never gonna happen

so right now I"m just givin up hope...

[Sygy]

my condolences

*kiss*

where u close with ur aunt?

[By_My-elf]

and yeah we were close right

now I just don't knwo what to do

or how to feel or what to do

I guess I'm just confused right now..

[Sygy]

poor shaun dont be sad!!

[By_My-elf]

Well today was alright everyhting was fine

Til I had to go visit one last time .....

....So Today I was so exhausted I'm glad I didn't have to go to work

I was so tired haven't slept for 2 days and this will be my third

I finally ate yesterday evening after that I haven't eaten anyhting

I went out for a while felt tired I just wanted to collapse

but naw I just kept trying to stay up and awake

I just can't stop thinking about shit happening

I went to go check up on my grandma too agian

She's okay now but Im still so worried

I have work today and I can't sleep right now >.<

[Lenneh]

Shaun you should get some sleep, your heading towards a physical and/or mental breakdown, and I highly doubt your aunt would want you to be like this, even if she would've survived she would've had the physical and/or mental scars for the rest of her life.. Maybe it's this way better, now she can finally rest.. I know it's easy for me to type this up, and I know it's much easier to type for me then it is for you to do as I'm suggesting.

[By_My-elf]

I know I've been trying to sleep all night but

it's just so hard all these thoughts and memories about

all this shit in the past

and worrying about my grandma and cousin

not really my cousin I know she could handle things her-self

but my grandma especially

I try to eat but I puke it out not on purpose.

and I try to drink but i don't really feel like it

I try to be happy and forget about things now

but it's just too hard right now

I'm really tired and exhausted but I still manage

I know pretty soon I might fall from exhaustion

and everyhting I know I should be worrying about my-self right now

but I just can't everythign just changed so fast.....

[Lenneh]

Well yes I may have asked too much to change everything immidiatly.. there's nothing much I can do for you except be here on msn if you need to talk or something, I just hope you'll get through this ok

[By_My-elf]

Well heres one thing for sure I can't eat,sleep,drink

I drink but thats not for a long time since yesterday night I did

and I feel so IDK I feel dizzy and exhausted now

I'm hungry but i could barely keep my own balance up

well me I'm gonna try and sleep again though

but I probably can't

My friends already tried talking to me as I said before

but I just only talked to 2 of'em the rest I duidn't need their pity

cause I know their talkin shit about me the rest of'em anyways

So to me it just goes to show me that I have no friends

just besides 2

I 'm trying so hard to type right now

cause everyhting is startin to spin

I'm gonna go lie down now before I pass out in front of the computer

(heh when I usually say somthign like that it cracks a smile on my face)

[Lenneh]

Go to bed then don't linger on the forum

[Sygy]

yay shaun*tries to make shaun happy*

[By_My-elf]

Well okay I won't be on for a while

cause I'm goin to my aunts funeral o.o;;

Kinda Nervous I'm wonderin how I'll react

this is my 4th day up without sleeping and once

I go their and once they burry her

I will be able to sleep again hopefully

I hope this doesn't turn me into an insomniac...

[diana]

Oh, Shaun...I hope that it's gonna be alright...

You really should get some sleep...I mean...

I'd probably die without it...

Take care...*hugs*

[By_My-elf]

it will be alright once I get to see her.

thats all I ask I said I'd do anything to go over their

I wouldn't care I just gotta go....

and I'll be leaving in about 1 hour O.OI'd better get ready to leave....

[diana]

Yeah...just hold on there, Shaun...

See ya around later...

Bye!

[chesterfreak143]

hey. you. yeah you.

 

ANSWER YOUR DAMN PM!!

 

hey, shaun, just popping by to say HOLLA!!!

 

(hi)

[By_My-elf]

Okay I left town today and went to my aunts funeral

I thought that I was over it and I would be okay with seein her

but I just started crying I couldn't help it

but I saw my dad he came over to comfort me....

same as my cousin Maryjane And my uncle Joey

I was so glad that they were their

and than once I got to the church I was sittin around outside at first

with my cuz craig we just talkled that was before all that part happened their

and Saw my cousin Ruthie talked to her for a bit and had fun

than saw my other cuz Jennifer she just said hey when did you come in

I missed you.

she said okay I'm goin in now

I just sat around with my cousin somemore

all of a sudden I heard "SHAUN!!"

I looked up the stairs and my aunt Sandra and my cousin Faith were standing their

They looked all shooken up.

My cuz Faith just held her hands out

I just gave her a hug especially since she was just finished crying

I just said take care and you'll be okay...

than my aunt held her hands out

Gave her a hug too well my aunt is like a mother to me

she told me she loved me

I felt better a bit they told me to come in and listen

I went to go sit down with them in the front

Once they opened the casket I went up once I saw her

I couldn't help it but just started crying

everyone around their started cryin

I just took my seat after

and I just kept cryin and sittin next to my grandma while she was singing

mt niece came to me and I scared her...

but coldn't help it and then the part that happened in the beggining of my entry

and we went walking to the graveyard

me and everyone one around their just helped out burrying her

I helped out even though I was so exhausted

and ready too collapse

but I just kept on moving

and I felt way better seeing her she was always happy and when she was in the coffin

she looked so peaceful she had a little smile too

that made me feel better and me

and my cousin Faith were just at the back of the pattio of my uncle Franks

oh yeah also me and my cousin Jen (jennifer) we just both had the same feeling that it felt so empty their without her their

For some reason I kept thinking I can't wait til she copmes home

and just talked about the memories me and my cousin had with my aunt Lucy

We Felt way better aftetr all that happened I was actually able to eat

and I fulfilled my promise by not sleeping until I saw her rest

I was up 4 days

So I fel way better now I could drink and eat without pukiing it back out

than me and my cousin jennifer and her husband

also Faith,Rudy and his wife Emily

went for a drive to the store and go buy some munchies after all all of us never

ate the whole day

 

So I guess you can say I'm more happy and better now......

and I should be able to sleep tonight after I go to out and see my friends

especially since I kept my promise I said

 

heres what I said

I head the phone ring I answered it was my dad

I was about to tell him to fuck off

but I heard alotta sorrow in his voice

and he said "your aunt lucy only has until evening to live"

I just stopped in silence and shock

and said "oh okay......."

He said "Tell your grandma and grandma"

ME: okay I will

my dad: okay bye

me: Wait

Mydad: what?

me: tell her I love her

 

and then once I hung up I said to myself

'I promise I won't sleep until I see her rest"

 

EDIT: sorry if I couldn't speell some things good I was holdin my nephew and he was pressin some letters XP

[diana]

OMG, Shaun...*hugs tightly*

Well, I'm glad that you feel better...

Just take some sleep and rest...you absolutely need it...

I'm with you...

[Lenneh]

It's good you fulfilled your promise even though it was a hard one to keep.. I'm proud of you man.. go get some sleep now