Riss'z Journal

[Shadowed Heart]

I work at a place called Knightsbridge Inc.

6$ an hour and I don't have to do much, so I'm happy.

Aside from the fact that now I have to go to summer school.

I think...

[Shadowed Heart]

So this is going to be a rather emo post.

 

 

Nov. 14. 'o7

5:04am.

 

I don't know why I watch my Disney Princess movies anymore.

Normally, Titanic and Click were the only movies that made me cry.

But lately, everything makes me cry.

Pocahontas made me cry.

wtf? that chick has been on my bed sheets since i was 5!

and i realized that i have a serious problem a little while ago...

i cried while i was watching the little mermaid.

and nothing sad even happened.

it was the part when Eric threw the musical instrument thing in the water.

 

so.

my issue?

i'm not good enough for anybody.

i've realized that people probably find me, ultimately, annoying.

and that i'm probably the person amoungst the friends that nobody really likes.

*sigh*

i can't seem to make anybody that i love happy.

my brothers: i'm just sick of trying to please them.

i really love them, and i wish that i could be good enough.

but nothing works. i try to give them what they want.

but the second i make the smallest mistake

(like being on the computer when he wants to use it)

they hate me.

my parents: i don't know what i did wrong.

they haven't even seen my grades yet....

is it that the kitchen isn't clean?

maybe that i sometimes ask for a ride to work.

that i sleep too much?

what?

all of my friends: i'm not sure about then either.

one of my friends in particular paid special attention to each and every one of our friends... except me.

did i miss something?

and what bothers me about that is that we go to school together, and we work together. at work there are two of our other friends... that would just get random hugs in the middle of it... but not me. right past me to the others.

and the person that i love most... i don't even know. i haven't allowed myself to overreact yet. i've done that before, and only gotten into bigger trouble then i thought i was in.

it's been a month and a half since he's called me... and i can't call him anymore... because the days that i'm allowed to, i have work.

which kinda sucks because i need to ask him what he wants for his birthday.

:/

so... here's an embarrassing fact.

i was just THINKING about this stuff at lunch last week.

and guess what?

i started CRYING.

at school. where anybody could see.

i had my head on the table, though.

(crying, and getting tears on your forehead is a weird sensation...)

i figured that nobody would notice if i just stopped...

but i was wrong.

being the center of attention when the entire freshman class and half of the 8th grades are walking around you... not.cool.

it was just sobbing at first, but walking to my locker, somebody asked me,

"what's wrong, riss?" and as we all know, that triggers it, bad.

i started bawling and i suddenly attached to my best friend.

must have been extremely awkward for her.

 

anyways..

i asked for a test for bipolar-ness... oO (is that a word)

and they wouldn't let me. (counselours)

but they did have some for clinical depression (why? i do not know.)

and i tested positive.

how strange?

i don't think my parents will find out, though.

they're not supposed to tell them unless they ask, and they don't even know that i took the test.

or that i even know how to cry.

but yeh... i took some weird survey thing in health last year that said i was already, but how was i to be sure? i'd just had my heard broken.

plus... i feel like shit atm.

don't laugh.. but i was too depressed to get out of bed. >.<

and i had very strange stomach cramps.

so i didn't go to school.

i just sat around the house.

being disgusting.

bleh.

and my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has gotten OUT of control.

so... since i slept ALL day, i couldn't sleep, and in 2 hours, i washed my face, rubbed astringent on it, brushed my teeth, and washed my hands 6 times.

WHAT!? *angry at self*

i'm gonna have some skin problems.

anyways..

i can't even look at myself without make-up on without feeling ready to cry.

and even with it on, sometimes i just look awful.

why couldn't i be one of the naturally pretty people?

it doesn't help that all of my friends are BEAUTIFUL.

UGH!

just a month ago i was a generally happy person all of the time.

what's happened to me!?

[Jeezy]

How did Click make you cry?

[Black_Angel]

Click very nearly made me cry, at the end where his dad is dying... it's so sad! =(

 

Sorry I'm too lazy to read all that but yeah, hope stuff gets better for you soon.

[Shadowed Heart]

Yeh Jeezy..

It made me cry when he was dying in the parking lot.

I cry when old people get hurt, too.

And Titanic only makes me cry when she has to let go of Jack's hand.

To get to the whistle...

[Jeezy]

Yeh Jeezy..

It made me cry when he was dying in the parking lot.

I cry when old people get hurt, too.

And Titanic only makes me cry when she has to let go of Jack's hand.

To get to the whistle...

 

Yeah I think 90% of all girls who saw that Titanic scene cried.

 

hmmm....I don't really think it made any sense....she could have just let him sit on that door or wood piece, too.

[Shadowed Heart]

Yeah, but she would have had to take time to get him up there, and they were drifting further away.

I thought the same thing, btw.

I told somebody once, "I would have put the jacket on him and hung onto the guy with the whistle."

 

Anyways.

20 Nov.,

Since I didn't sleep at all on Sunday night, I kept falling asleep in school.

(Which is odd, because usually when I haven't gotten any sleep,

I'm fine until about 18:00)

But I guess it was kinda bad because I haven't really been able to sleep at all this week.

So, during English, I was only able to read half a page,

when I can normally could have read at least 10 pages in the time span.

I couldn't focus on my Geography assignment or anything.

I had a killer headache, so, I just went home and slept.

My mom woke me up at almost 16:00 to tell me I had to call into work.

I called Todd and asked them to talk to Linda (our supervisor),

and tell them that I couldn't come in.

I slept until 22:00 after that, and only got up to use the bathroom.

I TOLD myself to eat, because I'd be sick when I woke up again.

but I pretty much passed out again after that.

I woke up once more... at about 01:00 because my cat was in my room.

I had to take him upstairs, and I crashed again.

I felt like shit, but I noticed that somebody had left an envelope on my headboard.

I looked at it, and (yeay!) it was confirming that I knew another one of my photographs had been published.

So I slept... until about 06:00.

I was sick.

I KNEW it.

So I had to crawl upstairs and curl up on the couch with some bread.

I still didn't feel good, but I had to get ready for school.

I got another piece and lied down on my bed, and actually got up at about 06:30.

It only took like 5 minutes to get ready...

Actually, putting in my contacts took the longest.

(I was having issues today.)

But... My dad has been having to take me to school for a couple of days.

I don't like it, because he and I don't communicate very well.

We get along fine, as long as I'm meeting is standards.

And when I'm not ready to go exactly when he wants to go,

I'm not meeting his requirements.

Ugh...

But today at school was a lot better than yesterday.

I actually smiled a few times and even "played" with my friends.

I found out the funniest thing about Cameron;

If you poke his belly button, he squirms in the funniest way.

i needed a laugh today, so I poked him and he pretty much attacked me.

lmao.

And I have to go in to work on a Saturday, now.

I normally work Mon., Wed., and Thurs.,

So since I didn't work yesterday, and we won't be going in on Thursday....

I'm 36$ down for my next pay check.

I can't go in on this Saturday, because my mom said that we're going out of town for the weekend.

So next....

And then maybe the one after that.

*sigh*

And we get paid today, but since I don't have work today,

I was planning on getting my paycheck, cashing it,

and doing some Christmas shopping.

But mother didn't want to take me in.

So I won't be cashing it until Friday, and not shopping until next week some time.

Anyways, I'm thinking I'll do my Spanish homework...

And go to bed.

For some reason, when I sleep more, I feel more tired.

(And yes, I'm aware that this happens to a lot of people.)

[Shadowed Heart]

hmmm.. just took a quiz thing, and they're all right.

>.<

 

Paranoid: Very High

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: Moderate

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: Low

Narcissistic: High

Avoidant: High

Dependent: Very High

Obsessive-Compulsive: Very High

[Jeezy]

hmmm.. just took a quiz thing, and they're all right.

>.<

 

Paranoid: Very High

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: Moderate

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: Low

Narcissistic: High

Avoidant: High

Dependent: Very High

Obsessive-Compulsive: Very High

 

wow...what kind of quiz was that?

[MrsBennington-Delson]

^yeah same question lol

[Shadowed Heart]

it was "do i need help?"

 

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

[Shadowed Heart]

OI!

my friends.

I'm trying to run a site again.

Hopefully is doesn't fail miserably like the other one did.

 

PLEASE JOIN.

 

http://z15.invisionfree.com/theArts/

[Shadowed Heart]

It's been awhile since I've posted anything in here...

Here's a copy+paste of my journal from another forum for the last few days..

 

 

13 Dec., '07.

 

Today seemed rather hectic.

I was freezing when I woke up, and of course it doesn't help that my bed is next to my window and that I was sleeping in only underwear and a t shirt. I called Jocelyn and asked my to pick me up for school today, on account of the fact that I have to leave at a quarter after seven to get to school on time, and it was already ten after seven when i got up... So I got my things together, brushed my hair and teeth, got dressed, put on some make-up (why do I still do that? It all comes off after an hour or so anyways) and then grabbed an apple for a breakfast (on account that I hadn't eaten since Monday morning and was hungry). I'm ready to become hospitalized and mal-nourished. Blech, damn hectic life... Anyways... School kinda sucked, it went by really slow and I felt really hungry... I had some celery at lunch and half a burrito after school, though. Todd came to my house and we ate on the pourch while we waited for Melanie to come pick us up for work. Work kind of went by slowly, too. They taught us how to make a new kind of phone call, though. It's different than what we usually do, and they actually make me feel annoying. We got to leave early though, at about 18:20... But we got there ten minutes early, so we only lost about 3$. Although, I didn't go into work yesterday because my mom was having surgery done on her shoulder and I wanted to be home to help her, but she didn't get home until 19:30 anyways, so I probably could have gone to work... Oh well. I wish that I would have, though, I need money. My friends and I drew names for Christmas presents, because nobody has enough money to buy present for everybody. I got my friend, Alex. (http://a923.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/89/l_0755747c730101079992fff252ad58ea.jpg)

the one in all black... oO I know just what I'm getting for him.... once I get paid... I also need to get my dad a present for Christmas... What do you get for a selfish, middle-aged man that you hate? Blahh... I got home from work and we started watching The Last Unicorn, it's almost over now, but I'm sitting in the front room now, just listening. That's all for now. http://209.85.62.26/12221/84/emo/smile.gif

 

.riss

 

 

Yeah well, iuno if I'm allowed to double post in my own journal, but just to avoid Saratn getting angry at me again...

 

 

14 Dec. '07

 

Last night after work my Dad told me to stay home with my mom today, and I didn't know that he meant all day, just after school, is what I thought. But when I was getting ready for school he said to stay upstairs until my mom got up, so I guess he was telling me to stay home all day. Whatever. So I played on the computer in the hall upstairs next to my mom's room until she got up and then we went downstairs and watched movies all day... My grandma came over a little while ago, though. My mom just fell asleep on the couch and so I have nothing better to do at the moment.

Tomorrow I have to get up really early... I have to dress up for Mariah and get to work at ten... She is doing something... I'm not sure what... for her science project, but I have to dress up as a goth, and Melanie as a prep and we're going to the mall for something, after work.

Oh yes! Good news! I got another email for my photography, and I'm going to a hotel in vegas for a weekend, or a week, maybe. It's kind of an expensive hotel though, and I don't know if my parents will let me go. I might have to pay for it myself and ask Dustin to take me. But that would mean that I'd have to save the money from my paychecks from now on. Which means none of my friends would get Christmas presents from me, and I couldn't buy concert tickets for Linkin Park. Either way I'm gonna cry... http://209.85.62.26/12221/84/emo/sad.gif

But... I at least feel proud of myself.

.riss

 

edit:

ugh... I knew it! I'm 'just the friend' of all of the guys that I know! Why does this always happen to me?... :\

 

 

oh and, here's this video.

if you're like... super sensitive to racist jokes, don't watch it.

 

 

 

 

 

15 Dec. '07. Saturday.

 

Mood: Apathetic.

 

I get to sleep in tomorrow. http://209.85.62.26/12221/84/emo/smile.gif

This morning my family woke me up at about ten and told me that I had ten minutes to get ready to go to see I am Legend, a very fit movie. Will Smith is one of my favorite actors. http://209.85.62.26/12221/84/emo/smile.gif It scared me a couple of times, and it made me want to cry a couple of times... Go see it.

I didn't end up having to go to the mall with Mariah today. I added a bit of ranting to the other thread. Besides that, I can't think of anything too terribly exciting to write about.

.riss

 

 

 

 

16 Dec. '07. Sunday.

 

Mood: Aggravated.

 

Today was useless, nothing exciting happened. I slept until almost 13:00. I showered, did all of the graphs for my science project, ate, and then I've been just sitting around ever since. We just finished watching Transformers. I don't know why but I was in a rather sour mood today. I yelled at everybody and eventually decided that it'd be better just to not talk to anybody... And for anybody that might have heard about my unofficial moving in with my Aunt after the school term was finished, I'm not going to be able to. She's moving to California after the Christmas break and I can't leave with her. *sigh* I'm stuck here... I'm rather annoyed at the moment. I probably won't be able to go to Las Vegas this Spring for my Photography, because my parents have just informed me that they're going to be going to Okinowa (Japan) this May, meaning, we won't be able to afford the trip to Nevada (and typical of them, they're not going to be here on my birthday). I almost want to cry... Especially since my mom just told me that I'm not going to be allowed to go to the Linkin Park concert in the Spring. The fact that that is my favourite band of all time, doesn't seem to matter. Whatever. She'll have to face my army of little green men.

.riss

[Shadowed Heart]

Hm... nearly eight months ago:

Paranoid: Very High

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: Moderate

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: Low

Narcissistic: High

Avoidant: High

Dependent: Very High

Obsessive-Compulsive: Very High

 

 

And now:

Paranoid: High

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: Low

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: High

Narcissistic: Moderate

Avoidant: Moderate

Dependent: Very High

Obsessive-Compulsive: High

 

 

I suppose that I seem slightly less screwed up, now. oO

I don't really think that anybody reads this.... anymore, but here is a quick update.

 

 

I am dating Will again. I don't really remember if I've written much about him in here.

Andrew.... he was mad at me for a long time, and I was terrified and in a state of shock, until two days ago, when he told me that he would talk to me, on the condition that I NEVER speak of Will in ANY way, shape, or form.

Seems like a fair trade.

I'm so happy. ^-^

 

And, I'm going on vacation tomorrow. Going to California for a week.

I'm pretty excited... My dad had four tickets in coach, and one in first class. He offered me the ticket, and I want it, sure, but I don't like the idea of sitting with a total stranger for two hours. :\

 

But other than that.... This trip should be fun.

 

[Shadowed Heart]

I'm becoming less disturbed!

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/ce4bd7518fe92be458e7d46433765af4.jpg

 

I meant to write what's happened since I was last here, but I'm getting REALLY into this show, and (OH NO! IT'S ALMOST OVER! *cries*) if I remember, I will post tomorrow or later.

[Shadowed Heart]

Beep.

 

Guess what?

I'm single.

And I've been single for a longish time.

 

I had my first kiss not too long ago.

And I had my first terrifying car experience.

 

Yeay.

 

I love life.

[woodyloveslinkin]

welcome back to the boards Riss

[Shadowed Heart]

Hi there my sexy pants. How has you been??

[Jeezy]

Beep.

 

Guess what?

I'm single.

And I've been single for a longish time.

 

I had my first kiss not too long ago.

And I had my first terrifying car experience.

 

Yeay.

 

I love life.

 

single huh?

 

interesting...would i have a chance?

[Shadowed Heart]

Oh definitely, as soon as you live w.in a 20mile radius. XD

[woodyloveslinkin]

Hi there my sexy pants. How has you been??

 

Quite well. Congrads on the first kiss! Ahh, brings me back to my first kiss...*sigh* Now I know how old I really am. Lol.

[Shadowed Heart]

Haha well, I would feel bad about being oldish by the time I got around to getting my first kiss, but my best friend and I are at the same level with almost everything.

She had hers like two months before me (and poor her, she wasn't exactly a willing participant. XD).

We have (almost) the same bra/ clothes sizes and everything. XD

She's a little smaller than me, but I can deal.

I do hate being around her though, because she's do damn pretty...

 

Here's her and me:

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/7e76a2b6feb179e9fba0be7b0f9b6ef1.jpg

 

 

This is her:

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/ad0e48aa92de7caad8b872b34a8d52d1.jpg

[Jeezy]

^^ you 2 look so pretty !!!

[azemkamikaze03]

cash rule everything around me cream.

[Shadowed Heart]

...?

 

Lol.

 

 

Anywho.

I thought I'd share some pictures that I didn't post in the Picture thread.

 

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/9abebbef69b277a2964e7b228f33b47a.jpg

Homecoming. The girls.

 

 

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/f1904f233b094869e4dde104a37ae999.jpg

Me and my (ex) boyfriend, in like March.

 

 

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/3f511c2ad74ac36de0748dfd5b479e95.jpg

Me with a couple of good friends at Asher's going away party.

 

 

 

 

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/6babcf4c85d6b5bd7545581847bec249.jpg

Lack of sleep.. oO

 

 

 

 

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/43f341cdee91cea7c841182e49463050.jpg

(ex)Boyfriend's jacket.... That I yet to give back. XD

 

 

 

Extra Random ones:

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/4c7be99c30da75298e698679c039e59c.jpg

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/6bb48d418a6a6dc6e9403c51841868f7.jpg

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/9cbc454ea45215788205a5e4435b2572.jpg(the guy looking down just broke the bench, that's why we're laughing. XD)

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/8c6b581d15b0daf132da87a62980bcce.jpg(Mommy and me.<3)

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=84017133&albumID=874342&imageID=22720908#a=874342&i=22537433(Me, Mommy, and my aunts)

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/81a94d68e23f1179c1e19e7fa996e848.jpg(Me w. 2 of my best friends)

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/d2f01168cbdcabbfc946c2e836cdf1bb.jpg

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=84017133&albumID=874342&imageID=16447142#a=874342&i=34675988

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/2015e262f20f4111ae5f801173cb4c34.jpg(Brother and his girlfriend, my babies, and me)

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/253416d18efc1e6ee3f8cf7fbe41d90c.jpg(Little brother and me)

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/bb396ba520a904d594878b471fee2173.jpg(The family at the Grand Canyon. Yeah. I look dumb. I was making a face at Mommy).