Riss'z Journal

[Shadowed Heart]

 

Okay, I lied, we only won by 2 - 0, but w/e.

 

Anywho, lookit.

 

WEST JORDAN — Cheered on by a fantastic crowd of students, parents and teachers, top-ranked Copper Hills stayed calm and composed to take care of business at home against Bingham and remain perfect on the season at 8-0.

 

It was the kind of afternoon that Copper Hills coach Michael Shaughnessy envisioned when he took over the lowly Grizzlies' program five years ago. Shaughnessy will be the first to tell you that his team is far from a finished article and that his players must keep winning to prove they are one of the state's elite teams.

 

However, Shaughnessy has a stable of talented players at his disposal, and the Grizzlies have the look of a team that can be consistently good. That much was evident as Anthony Nixon scored once in each half to give Copper Hills a 2-0 win over Bingham on Tuesday.

 

"There's stuff happening here," said Shaughnessy. "It's taken some time. It's my fifth year here. We, first of all, learned how to be difficult to beat, and then we've slowly, slowly tried to make it more attractive. It's just exciting."

 

The community that surrounds Copper Hills High seems to be noticing.

 

A very solid contingent of students lined Copper Hills' sideline before kickoff arrived on Tuesday, and more and more folks arrived to cheer on the Grizzlies throughout the first half.

 

"Our crowds have increased," said Shaughnessy. "It wasn't quite like being at Old Trafford, but for us it was. I want them to all be proud of us. I want the teachers (and) the students to be proud of their boys soccer team and be proud of themselves."

 

Copper Hills came storming out of the gates early on against Bingham and went ahead 1-0 when Nixon managed to shoot through a crowd of bodies and into the net in the 13th minute.

 

The game turned on its head, though, after that point, and Bingham put the Grizzlies under immense pressure for the rest of the half.

 

However, Copper Hills stayed composed, didn't concede an equalizer and got going again in the second half. Nixon scored with a phenomenal striker from distance in the 62nd minute, and the Grizzlies took care of business from there.

 

"(Bingham) showed a bit more urgency, a bit more desire" in the first half, said Shaughnessy. "But I think we stayed with it. We just had to weather the storm. And it wasn't really a storm of relying on luck or good fortune. It was just doing the sensible things."

 

That enabled Copper Hills to remain the only unbeaten team in 5A. Every squad in the classification has lost at least once this spring except for the Grizzlies, and they deserve plenty of credit for not slipping up.

 

"It's hard to be consistent and win every game, but they've done that and they've never been behind," said Shaughnessy.

 

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/a8a4ca55f2484c09d79555c5786f1551.jpg(Copper Hills' Taylor Ruff grabs the ball above his teammate Oscar Zamudio and Bingham's Garrett Dimick. )

 

 

My GOD, I LOVE LOVE LOVE soccer!!

[Shadowed Heart]

Taylor, last night, told me he loves me.... Why?

[Sponge]

O.O...is that good news or bad news!

[Shadowed Heart]

I'm not sure.

It's actually kind of bad.

I wish he'd tell me he wants nothing to do with me.

At least then I could just say "this is a waste of time, get over him"

But no. He has go and do something stupid like that!

God damn. He doesn't even want to be with me or really have a whole lot to do with me...

So I know I am wasting my time. But he's just making it so hard to move on.

Maybe he just likes the idea of me adoring him.

[Sponge]

Maybe he's insecure? Who knows!

[Shadowed Heart]

He is. And you know what? He's so adorable. He was wearing a stripped shirt that made him so so cute! Then he was running in a really cute way and I was just like "Oh! I love you!" Haha. And I said that and my two friends were like "Ahh! NO!" But the game... We sat on the ground and our blankets got so soaked, our butts go so wet! I was sitting in the middle and I was fine, but Mariah was freezing so we put her in the middle THEN I started getting wet! We had already scored once when I got there, and then they scored (they being Kearns, which I love, but I didn't want to lose!), and we had almost an hour of over-time but they won. I don't recall seeing them score aginst but I was fucking pissed. Everytime they got close to scoring and when they DID score, Taylor looked ready to cry and just fell on the ground. I'm so annoyed! Idk if we won on Tuesday though, but now Taylor is going to be pissed until we win again.

Also, the Language Fair.... We all got "superior" marks (which is the best, btw), and like 5/7 of the things for the skit we got "superior" marks and "excellent" (second best) in the other two. We did the skit, then me and my friend Evan went to do a "Humerous Story" with some other people we didn't really know but w/e. We got "very good" in that (3rd best) and then we ate and kind of wondered around forever. At the awards, we came in second for the High Schools, and we lost to Bingham! FUCK! They ALWAYS beat us just BARELY HOW FUCKING ANNOYING! SDIFHbale rg

Come to find out, another category (the 'test') would have made it so we won, but NOBODY did it, nobody even knew where it was. God. I'm so sick of losing today.

[Sponge]

Hmmm wow. Your blinded by love from him!!!!! LMAO.

[Shadowed Heart]

Probably... Actually... Yes.

[Sponge]

..Ya know what!......Love stinks!.......

[Shadowed Heart]

"Love" love isn't supposed to hurt....

 

"Ladies... if you're in an abusive relationship, get out. Get. Out. Now some of you might be saying 'but I love him Tyra, I love him.' Well let me tell you something. Love doesn't hurt. It DOESN'T hurt."

--Tyra Banks.

 

 

So what's wrong with me? What is this feeling I am calling love? I can't help but feel that I want Taylor.

But I know it's not right for me. Nothing changes and he doesn't really love me. I've SEEN him be good to my best friends, and not me. He liked my friend Sadie, and now he likes my friend Teshra. Who I have actually grown to DESPISE with a PASSION. Ugh. Today a boy that I kind of think I like.... Copeland. His name is Taylor but I can't call him that. He told me he wanted me to hook him up with my best friend! FUCK! I was editing pictures of her in my photo class and he was like "you should introduce us." I said no and when our friend Stevie asked why I was like "cause I like him...." Hmm...

 

I guess I'll never be better? Be good enough? I'll always be at the bottom of everyone's list.

 

God damn.

 

I am also still VERY irritated that Taylor won't tell me he doesn't love me.

I know he doesn't. I just want him to say it. I asked him if he still thought he loved me and he said yes. What the hell is he playing at? I know what he wants but I wish he would just stop.

 

 

Plus I'm quite pissed because I can't go to Disney Land anymore.

[Sponge]

I couldn't go anymore too. Don't feel so left out! I mean not everyone is perfect.

 

I wanna say that that everyone has a soulmate, but how can I say that if I don't have someone. Ya know? If you think of him a lot or your do something you'll regret! Trust me on that cuz I did somethin I totally regret!

[Shadowed Heart]

Idk what I want.

 

I mean i want to be with him, I know, but he doesn't know how to be a boyfriend and it just doesn't work.

 

Last night we had one of the heart to heart things... it was kind of weird. He was getting all butt hurt because I don't believe that he loves me, and I told him that I don't... and he was saying how he gets 'that feeling' when he's around me that he doesn't get around anyone else. I told him that he isn't ever around me and he was like 'well, like when I see you and I see you all the time'. Idk... What does he want? It's so confusing. THEN he said "and I feel like I want you back". At this point I think I'd rather just become a vegetable than try to figure him out.

[Sponge]

Maybe he wants ........IT!!!!! If this guy is insecure then don't bother with the dude. It's more work for you to keep that relationship going!

[Shadowed Heart]

Very true.

 

Anywho I'm very happy. Copeland said he'd come to the soccer game with me tomorrow.

I'm psyched!!!

 

But... I still miss Taylor... *sigh*

[Sponge]

...Love stinks.......

 

At least your going with Copeland!!!

[Shadowed Heart]

Hah. As predicted... He didn't come. W/e I still had fun with Jocelyn, Stephany, and Kev.

 

But... Today... I.am.pissed....

 

I get a text in 6th period saying 'guess wat' from Taylor. So.. I say "What?" and get back 'i went to a party last night and met a girl i really like'.

WOOFREAKINGHOO? God it just tore my heart out and I swear he stepped all over it.

[Sponge]

O.O........I know how that feels. Look, just....forget him. Don't look for anyone for now. Your still young to find a boyfriend.

[Shadowed Heart]

I love how that's everyone's only advice.

"Forget him." "You're too good for him." "You're beautiful." "He's just stupid."

 

Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe *I* am the one with the problem? Maybe *I* need to be forgotten? Maybe *I* am not good enough? Maybe I am NOT beautiful. Maybe *I* am stupid? Think about it.

Nobody wants me. Not everyone can be messed up and I'm the one that isn't? Unlikely.

 

FUCK ME.

[Sponge]

Well your not the only person that has that kind of problem. I have trouble talking to a girl, thus preventing me from having a gf. And even tho people tell me you should do this or if do this then this will happen. Not everyone perfect. I admit that I am ugly and fat (not too much.....I think). But that's not making me think or possible do something wrong.

[Shadowed Heart]

So... While I'm not really pissy or anything, I think I'll write here...

 

I went to the Real Salt Lake game with my dad on Saturday (6-0, btw WOO!!!). It was kind of nice. I haven't been alone with him in a LONG time.

 

Today I went to Jocelyn's after school to make her birthday cake. I can't on her actual birthday because we're going to the soccer game after school and we are going out to dinner with the family right after that, and I'll probably need to be home soon after that. I am DETERMINED to eat whatever Joci forces me to order. Lol. We're going to a Chinese restaurant and I don't care for Chinese food. We went to one last year too, and I just had rice, water, and broccoli, but she's making me try some stuff... like sushi... Anywho... I can't the day before her birthday either because she has her driving test and won't be home until about an hour before my curfew. I suppose I could have made it while she was driving, but I wouldn't have been able to stay to sing happy birthday. And tomorrow I couldn't (her bday is Thursday) because I have a date with my mommy to go shopping and to a soccer game at another school.

So... I did it today. Also, I feel quite happy. I'm pretty close and comfortable with her family (her mom, her sister Erin, and her dad- who doesn't live with them but when we see each other it's great). Her brother Asher though, I've only met a few times. He's in the military so he's not really around much. And her sister Joelle... Idk why but we've just never had a friendship thing going on, but today was pretty good... We talked and got along like I do with the rest of her family.

I love them to death. Sometimes when Joci and Erin will go somewhere (like a school dance) and I'll be with them during the day, I'll stay at their house with Joelle and Mother and clean. Lol. I did the dishes today while Joci did her homework so that I could wash the cake holder thingy (it's scary that it needs to be washed because I made a cake for Joelle on April first and it's still dirty), but I got distracted and forgot to. oO

 

Eh.

 

So I sent Taylor the LONGEST text EVER last night, and he never got it so when he started talking to me today I sent it to him to read... and we were talking... and we might try again to be together in the summer. After school is over. *sigh* I hope it works out. *fingers crossed*

 

Grr. My little brother is in the shower. No warm water for me today.

 

Oh, here is the text I sent Taylor. I can send 160 characters to anybody, but a LOT more to other Verizon users, and he is, so this was in two FULL texts:

 

(LAST NIGHT):::

 

 

--> Okay so I'm juust gonna say this. I was planning on doing this in person but I've decided that there's a good chance that won'y happen... At least this way you will read this. I hope. And I hope you will write back b/c believe it or not (not, I'm guessing?), is really hard for me... Anyways... I have just been thinking, and I think you know this- that I'm not the best thing for you. I hate saying that thought b/c I want you so bad. I don't know what you want from me or why you keep playing games, but I wish you would just make up your mind. "Do you love me?" is a yes or no question. Anything BUT yes is a no. And you haven't said yes. You don't really love me... Maybe you think you can or you sort of feel obliged to, or at least to say it b/c of how passionately devoted I am to you... Or maybe you're just playing games... Or perhaps just trying to feel loved in return? Idk, only you do. I'm not going to say it. Because I think it scared you when I do... but you k now exactly how I feel about you. And all this is leading up to what I was pondering a few minutes ago. Do you want this? Anyrhing w. me and you? I could wait for school to be over... But will you want it then? Are you araid that you won't be able to handle me and soccer? Or is it just me? Because more and more things and happening that are convincing me that I won't ever be good enough, that I won't ever be pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, perfect enough for you. I don't think you believe me but I'm trying really hard to be all of those things. I've tried just letting you go but I won't be able to unless you tell me that I won't be able to be enough and you don't love me and it's not gonna happen. So tell me that or tell me it's not true. And please please please... please answer me. Please write back. I can't help but cry right now but no matter what you say I promise I'll feel so much better if you just say anything. ...Sorry for the long texts but you wouldn't have answered your phone if I called... because well... it's me calling. And I wouldn't do this in person b/c I'd start crying... <--

[Sponge]

Got a reply back yet?

[Shadowed Heart]

He said he wanted to wait for summer, if I could wait.

 

But idk if it'll happen.

 

I hate him.

 

REALLY.

[Sponge]

So then if you hate him then why do you love him?

[Shadowed Heart]

Good point.

Eh....

 

 

So. I found a song that almost describes how I feel about him. 10pts if you know what this song is:

 

 

I sense there's something in the wind

That feels like tragedy's at hand

And though I'd like to stand by him

Can't shake this feeling that I have

The worst is just around the bend

 

And does he notice my feelings for him?

And will he see how much he means to me?

I think it's not to be

 

What will become of my dear friend?

Where will his actions lead us then?

Although I'd like to join the crowd

In their enthusiastic cloud

Try as I may, it doesn't last

 

And will we ever end up together?

no, I think not, it's never to become

For I am not the one

[Shadowed Heart]

So. I just discovered how much I love all of these quotes.::

 

 

 

To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction.

If it's easy, he'll move on.

You don't know me, but I know me.

I run with scissors. It makes me feel dangerous.

...And in the end, should someone die?

If this is the direction the rats are going that's fine with me!

I wonder what it's like to be a slice of cheese...

If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.

Those who restrain their desires do so only because they are weak enough to be restrained.

Every living creature on earth dies alone.

The force is like duct tape. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Even a good decision if made for the wrong reasons can be a wrong decision.

War does not determine to is right. War determines who is left.

When life gives you lemons... Shut up and eat your damn lemons.

I must be a good liar, if you honestly believe everything is okay.

If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.

What happened, happened, and couldn't have happened any other way.

Any man who falls behind... Is left behind.

I tried sniffing coke- but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Maybe, if my heart stops beating, it won't hurt this much.Life is cruel.

Why should the afterlife be any different?

If you give a man a fish, he'll have fish for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he'll have fish for a lifetime.

My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.

A life without love, is no life at all.

Just because I cannot see it, doesn't mean I cannot believe it.

I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea- but I'm in the desert... Alone.

You said that you would die for me...

You must live for me too. If he's cheating on you, chances are, he doesn't REALLY care about you.

You know, these clothes do not flatter you at all. It should be a dress or nothing.

I happen to have no dress in my cabin.

I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it, I don't believe it makes me real.

Go ahead and stab me in the back.

But while you're back there- kiss my ass.

I'm like... 98 percent sure I love you.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Sometimes love isn't about how much someone suits you, but it's about how much you're willing to change to suit them.

Bitchy? I'm sorry, I don't know how to say 'fuck you' politely.

Be the best of what you are.

We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you.

We are the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?

I don't need your designer jeans. I can rip the cheap ones myself.

Pardon me, while I burst into flames.

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd.

Please don't go, cos I finally know that the past is gone; I know that I was wrong... I was wrong.

If a guy treats you like he doesn't give a shit, it's because he doesn't give a shit.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, which is pretty much the same thing.

Procrastinators unite! Tomorrow...

You'll never fall in love if you don't fall at all.

Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness.

If only i had been less blind, I'd have someone to hold on to. If only I could change your mind, if only I had known.

Love is like a piece of art work, even the smallest bit can be so beautiful.

Do you ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your life and say... 'this is not my life'?

Life is like a cookbook... and it's the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.

Please God, if you can't make me thin- make my friends fat.

Good morning starshine, the Earth says hello.