Joke thread

[Sygy]

i found this on the internet

 

What Men Really Mean

 

"It's a guy thing."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 

"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 

"It would take too long to explain."

Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

 

"We're going to be late."

Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

"That's interesting, dear."

Really means...."Are you still talking?"

 

"It's a really good movie."

Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

 

"That's women's work."

Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

 

"You know how bad my memory is."

"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

 

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 

"I can't find it."

Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

"What did I do this time?"

Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

 

"I heard you."

Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

 

"You know I could never love anyone else."

Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

 

"You look terrific."

Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

"We share the housework."

Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[geeko]

haha..funny everyone..

 

some facts I read on another site:

 

>If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

 

>If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

 

>A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

 

>A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

 

>Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.[for those who want to lose some weight,here's a new way]

 

>The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

 

>Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

 

>A cat's urine glows under a black light.

 

>An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

 

>Starfish have no brains

 

>Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

[ImTheOneThatFalls]

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/1c67b3909a3cc98091ff64ea3219fb2f.gif

 

 

ahahaha.

[GraDoN]

Top 12 Things Not to Say to a Cop

 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. that's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

 

 

A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the bartender says, "If you are such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."

 

The customer says, "No problem, name it."

 

The bartender says, "Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. Third, there's a hooker upstairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up there and make her cum."

 

The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the bar. After that he says, "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes the man to the back room and shuts the door.

 

For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says, "OK, where's the hooker with the abcessed tooth?"

 

 

 

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tale telling begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, using my bare hands."

 

The second can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

 

The third cowboy stayed silent, ...slowly stirring the coals with his penis

 

 

 

 

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

 

 

 

10 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

 

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

 

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

 

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

 

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

 

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

 

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

 

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

 

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

 

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

 

and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

 

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

[LPpinkfreak821]

i love like all of those! their great (lol)

 

I had some that I was going to post, but I got into reading the jokes & completely forgot them.. so hopefully I'll remember later & post them <3

[NoEnd]

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.

 

When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''

 

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

 

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''

 

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

------

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[UnhingedMouse0]

A Girls First Time

 

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

 

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

 

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

 

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

 

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

 

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

 

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

 

Naughty, Naughty!

 

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

[Black_Angel]

^ hahaha good one!

[Brkng_Th_Hbt]

That was the coolest joke ever.

[Ryuku]

A Girls First Time

 

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

 

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

 

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

 

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

 

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

 

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

 

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

 

Naughty, Naughty!

 

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

 

I can't count the times I've seen that... Y-Y

[Greyfoxx]

A Girls First Time

 

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

 

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

 

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

 

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

 

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

 

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

 

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

 

Naughty, Naughty!

 

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

 

 

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!

 

I've seen that before, but its still fucking funny

[Sygy]

 

I've seen that before, but its still fucking funny

 

was that suppose to be a pun?

[Greyfoxx]

was that suppose to be a pun?

dunno....didn't realize i put a pun in there.....-_-'

[UnhingedMouse0]

Haha, yeah, I was sure a bunch of you had seen that, but its a classic, I just had to put it up.

[skinnypuppy]

What's a jewish dilema?

FREE HAM!

[LPpinkfreak821]

I've got two of them. . . . <3

 

Married Life

 

Ok so this couple got married like two weeks ago. The husband, who is VERY much in love with his new life, can't wait to go out into town and party with some old buddies of his.

So he says to his new wife "Honey, I'll be right back". And she replies with "oh, sweetie. . . where are you going". Kind of annoyed and in a rush the husband replies "I'm going to the bar to have a beer".

The wife walks over to the refridgerator "You want a beer, my love?" she asked as she opened the door. The husband's mouth dropped when he saw the refriderator packed full of twenty-five different kind of beers.

So he stands there for a few seconds not knowing what to do. Finally he says "yes, hun. . but the bar as frozen glasses & I need to have a frozen glass" Before he could even finish the wife opens the freezer and pulls out a huge beer mug thats so frozen, she began to shake just holding it.

So the husband is becoming more and more annoyed as well as anxious to fly out of the front door. "yes, tootsie pop, but at the bar they have those deliscious hors d'oeuvers" he said. The wife gave a weak smile, opened the oven and pulled out a pan covered in 5 differnt types of this hors d'oeuvers. "You said you wanted hors d'oeuvers" she said.

The husand, now pale and ready to give up puts up one last fight. "Yes, my sweet honey bear. . but at the bar they have swearing a dirty words" he said. This would probably be the first mistake of being married. The wife batts her eyes and sets the pan down. She gives him this wide smile "you want dirty words, pie face?" she asked.

Silence passed over the room as she stared at him. . . "LISTEN UP CHICKIN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVERS. YOUR MARRIED ASS AIN'T GOING TO NO BAR. THAT SHIT IS OVER!! GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and they lives happily ever after. Now isn't that a sweet story!!!!!!?

 

 

__________________________________________________

 

 

 

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in

and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso,

arms or legs.

 

The son is just a head!

 

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,

with love and compassion.

 

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of

him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

 

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the

bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first

sip of alcohol.

 

Whooosh! A torso pops out!

 

The bar is dead silent; then bursts in to a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

 

Whooosh! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild.

 

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink "!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he

reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

 

Whooosh! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

 

The father falls to his knees, tearfully giving thanks!!

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the

left....then to the right ... right through the front door, into

the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

 

The bar falls silent.

 

The father moans in grief.

 

The bartender sighs and says...

 

 

 

 

 

(wait for it)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(it's coming)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Ya ready?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(don't hate me)

 

 

 

 

 

 

(take a deep breath)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"He should have quit while he was a head!"

[misspiggy]

i have a myspace bulletin so yea

 

Why couples dont have sex... funny

 

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

 

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

 

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

 

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

 

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

 

KEEP READING.......

 

=====================================================

 

 

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

 

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

 

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't come with energy

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching TV

 

Of the times we did get together:

 

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

 

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

 

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

Once you read this letter you have to keep it going.

 

This game has been played since 1996.

 

 

So here are the rules:

 

If you read this on a Sunday, wish for a good week

If you read this on a Monday, wish for money

If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love

If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for success

If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you want

If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really hot date

If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an important phone call

 

repost in 3.5 min. and your wish will come true

Make sure you repost in 3.5 min. or your wish won't come true.

 

title it : why couples dont have sex.. funny

[wonderland]

Here's a cheesy Hungarian one for you...

 

 

A guy goes into a bar and orders ten shots of brandy.

The barman asks him. 'Ten, sir?'

'Give them to me,' the guy says.

The barman pours the ten shots of vodka and lines them up on the counter. The guy takes the first and the tenth one, picks them up and pours them out on the floor. He drinks the remaining eight, one after the other.

The barman asks with surprise: 'Why did you pour those two shots out on the floor?'

'Look, sonny, the first one always tastes horrible and the last one always makes me sick.'

[JustCallMe___.]

Just start singing "Fuck Yeah" From the Team America Soundtrack and everyone will laugh. I promise.

 

America...Fuck yeah!

[Brkng_Th_Hbt]

Buttsecks?!

 

BUTTSECKS?

 

FREE BUTTSECKS PICS! CLICK LINKS BELOW!

 

BUTTSECKS 1

BUTTSECKS 2

BUTTSECKS 3

BUTTS3cKS 4

BUTTSECKZ PIC 5

BUTTSECKS 6

BUTTSECKS 7

BUTTSECKS EIGHT

BUTTSECKS 9

BUTTS3KKS 10

BUTTSECKS 11

BUTSECKS 12

 

AND THE MOST HARDCORE BUTTSECKS PIC YET:

TEH BUTTSECKS!!1!!one!!

 

_______________

I was going to make a buttsecks thread, but I figured I would probably get locked or deleted and be concidered spam.... But there was a thread like this on ultimate-guitar forums and it's still alive and has like 50 pages, Lol.

[Jeezy]

OMG...Buttsecks?....that's so funny

[Sygy]

buttsecks 11 is the best

[wonderland]

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

 

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

 

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

 

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

 

"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

 

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

 

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.

 

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss..."

[Fort_Underground]

Well I know a lot of racial jokes. I'll leave the answers in black below the questions for you to see on your own in case you are offended

 

Why are black people so fast?

Because all the slow ones are in prison

What runs faster than a black man with a TV?

His brother with your VCR

What is the difference between a black man and a park bench?

A park bench can support a family of four

What is the defference between a black man and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

Why were there only 5,000 mexicans at the alamo?

Because they only had 5 pickups

What do you call a black man driving a car?

Grand Theft Auto

Why do Mexicans act as if they own everything?

Because they built it

Why don't Mexicans have any Olmpyians?

Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim go across the boarder.

 

NOTE: These do not reflect my personal beliefs, there just jokes I've heard over time.

[FireHawk]

I was going to make a buttsecks thread' date=' but I figured I would probably get locked or deleted and be concidered spam.... But there was a thread like this on ultimate-guitar forums and it's still alive and has like 50 pages, Lol.[/size']

Ultimage-Guitar has probally the best threads around