Joke thread

[wonderland]

When I was in High School, my Honors Psych. teacher wrote this on the back of one my papers....

 

New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes

 

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

 

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

 

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

 

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

[MayaTheVampire]

If you are schizophrenic' date=' listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. ”[/quote']

 

 

 

lool that's soooo funny :D

[LPpinkfreak821]

bwahahah I love that hotline thing. It's beautiful

[jackie]

nice jokes

[jackie]

i got one what do you call a sleeping bull

 

a bull-dozer

[wonderland]

Coffee Drinkers Prayer

 

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures:

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz:

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,

I will fear no Equal :

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:

Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the House of Mocha's forever.

[LPpinkfreak821]

THIS MY OFFEND SOMEONE SO DON'T READ IF YOUR EASILY OFFENDED.

 

 

you know they say that the first sign of retardation is hair on your knuckles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

& the second sign is looking for it

[Jeezy]

I don't know jokes in English....

[Sygy]

then say one in german and get phranka to translate.

[Star]

Why are cooks cruel?

Because they batter fish and whip cream

 

 

Why did the lobster blush?

Because the sea weed

[LPpinkfreak821]

tehe

 

Picture On The Nightstand

 

After a long night of making love, the man notices a picture of another guy on the girl's nightstand. He suddenly begins to worry and asks "is that your husband"

 

The woman looks over at the picture "no". The man then asks "well is he your boyfriend or fiancee" The woman again replies "no"

 

"Well then who the hell is it" the man demands to know. The woman simply smiles & says "thats me before the surgery"

[GraDoN]

haha good 1 - rofl so i heard this joke but its a little badass and racist.. SO DONT READ ON IF U ARE WEAK MINDED :D

 

OK so what goes: Pink black pink blac pink blac pink black pink black WHITE?

 

so you guess....?

 

 

A black guy mastrobating

[wonderland]

In the spirit of Halloween, I have a few jokes for it. Because there are a few, there will be a few posts. Most of of the jokes will get their own post. With that said, here we go...

 

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treat is Better Than Sex

 

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

 

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

 

8) The uglier you look; the easier it is to get some.

 

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

 

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

 

5) Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

 

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

 

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you

 

2) Less guilt the morning after.

 

And the No. 1 reason why trick a treating is better than sex.........

 

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

 

20 Ways to Confuse Trick or Treaters

 

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

 

2. Wait behind the door until some people come.

 

When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them; scratch your head and act confused.

 

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.

 

Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters.

 

When trick or treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

 

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.

 

When the trick or treaters come to the door, say, "Come in."

 

When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

 

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

 

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick or treaters a bill.

 

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish.

 

Immediately collapse and don't move or say anything until the trick or treaters go away.

 

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

 

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick or treaters, act shocked and scared and start screaming your head off.

 

Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

 

10. Insist that the trick or treaters each do ten push ups before you give them any candy.

 

11. Hand out menus to the trick or treaters and let them order their candy.

 

Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

 

12. Get a catapult.

 

Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

 

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

 

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.

 

Stare at the trick or treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

 

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.

 

If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

 

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.

 

Angrily give the trick or treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

 

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands.

 

Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds and insist that you don't have any candy.

 

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

 

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch.

 

Insist that all of the trick or treaters bow before the pumpkin.

 

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit.

 

Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick or treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

 

Halloween Survival Guide

 

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

 

 

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

 

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.

 

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

 

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

 

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

 

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

 

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

 

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

 

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

 

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

 

Do not take anything from the dead.

 

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

 

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

 

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

 

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

 

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one (wonderland: oh deary me... I know that one. In fact, I own the movie. *walks away ashamed*)), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Nebraska (if you don't get the last two, read a Stephen King novel).

 

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

 

Why Pumpkins are Better Than Men

 

If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

 

 

From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

 

 

Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

 

 

No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

 

 

One usually makes a better pie.

 

 

They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

 

 

If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

 

 

A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

 

Trick or Treating by Your Sign

 

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

 

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

 

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

 

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or- treaters.

 

Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

 

Virgo wears a neatly pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

 

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

 

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

 

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

 

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

 

Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

 

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

 

What's the difference between a ghoul and a goblin?

 

It has come to my attention that these words are being tossed around too easily, as if they meant almost the same thing. Let's not get sloppy just because it's almost Halloween.

 

Ghouls are the more disgusting of the two. They were evil spirits who robbed graves to eat the dead (This was before fast food hamburgers). The 19th century low-life grave robbers who provided doctors with fresh corpses on which to experiment were also called ghouls.

 

Goblins were frightfully ugly sprites who could be bad as bad can be, but sometimes were merely mischievous. The latter were often called hobgoblins. Some goblins were also said to come with old houses (and you thought crabgrass was a problem).

 

Why do we call people who turn into wolves "werewolves?"

 

Well, what would YOU call a person who turned into a wolf? Something respectful, I hope, if he were standing nearby.

 

The werewolf legend dates back at least to ancient Rome. The King of Arcadia was said to have been turned into a wolf when he sought to test the divinity of the god Jupiter by serving him a hash made from human flesh. Jupiter, who was probably partial to omelets, took offense and before you know it, the King was howling at the moon.

 

Oh, the word werewolf comes from the Old English, "wer," meaning man. Yes, man-wolf sounds backwards, but what do you expect from a guy who walks around on all fours?

[Vash_the_Stampede]

Or, you could post it in one or two posts.

Don't multipost.

[wonderland]

And the last one...

 

Why do pumpkins become jack-o'-lanterns on Halloween?

 

It all started with the Druids, a learned, priestly class among the ancient Celts. At their October 31 feast celebrating the end of summer, the spirits of the dead returned for a night. The Druids, the first ghostbusters, lit fires to keep away the unwanted guests.

 

In the early Middle Ages, the Church co-opted the holiday, making it All Saint's Day (also called All Hallows Day and Eve, from which we get Halloween). It was brought to America in the 1840s by Irish Catholic immigrants, along with the holdover custom from pagan times of carrying a light to ward off evil spirits. In Ireland, candles had been placed in carved out potatoes or turnips to make jack-o-lanterns. But in America, pumpkins were plentiful, and it was the light shining from them that told marauding spirits: hit the road, Jack! (see: 'Wonderland's journal through the looking glass' for the jack-o-lantern folklore.)