geeko's journal

[geeko]

my first one

i really didnt plan to make my own journal here,but some things arent really bearable inside.ive tried to hide my emotions and became quite successful for that matter,but things just keep happening and the pain just keeps getting worse...

[geeko]

where's my home?

 

 

who among you live with your parents?i guess most of us do.

did you ever feel smothered?

 

everytime i try to do something i get shouted at.its hard to move....'every step that i take is another mistake'.........i try to suggest things just to make conversations,but if they're not happy with it ill get a slap.sometimes i dont talk anymore to avoid starting a fight,but in doing so they're labeling me a snob,which is not really a good comment,so ill talk again.i dont reason out to not show disrespect,but they keep on insisting that i should so bitterness inside will not get bottled up.so ill reason out to express what i feel.....then ill get another slap........because 'i was disrespecting them'.they said they should know my every move,and i should move only when they say so,when they've allowed me to.inside i want one of us to die........for all of these to stop.

 

my bitchy mum also said that no one really ever wanted to make friends with me.she said they only did because they pity me.i feel like a freak.i know im not supposed to let her affect me,but said words are so powerful they almost ripped me.even i already pity myself.it started to dawn on me that maybe i never really did anything right.i started to become more and more paranoid.i started to think 'what if what she said is true?'.i cant even look into anyone's eyes anymore.

 

im so tired.ive lost interest in everything.the only thing i see thats left to do is to commit suicide.even praying doesnt work anymore.i cant figure out if what im doing is right or wrong........and my emotions just stopped 'working'.

 

who among you can feel even just a tiny bit of what i feel?

[geeko]

'the birthday'

 

 

my birthday was a few days ago............well....they remembered,but of course the sermons didnt stop.its their hobby.jeeez........what am i supposed to do,listen to all of that??.......its mind blowing.........

 

i dont go to church anymore.its not that ive become an atheist.........i just...stopped 'asking for help'.im so tired.theres really nothing else left to do.i feel guilty that i dont even take my music seriously anymore.i dont even know if im still interested in finishing the album that im doing.it pains me so much but hell,i cant move.i go to school only to hang out and nothing else.i dont pass hws.pretty normal for a teen...........except for the burden.

 

but again thanx all for the greetings.

[LÎnkinPärkExtreme]

Yeah well I'll greet you again mate! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :D

[geeko]

quite bored......

 

question: do women buy more things than guys?

 

my conscience attacks me so hard todya......and i noticed that im spending......or rather wasting too much money these past few days though im not eating and im sober......

 

i need to continue playing my guitar......

 

 

i really feel so lonely......

[MrsBennington-Delson]

i dont think women spend more then men... it depends on ones personality... *shrugs*

 

oh here some cookies *gives you cookies* so you don't feel so alone ^^

[geeko]

hehe thanks......just posted a nu blog in myspace......you guys can check it out......

http://blog.myspace.com/ch3z_zy

 

i still feel alone though......i still cant add linkin park......

[MrsBennington-Delson]

aaawww *gives you another cookie*

 

they're whole crew is busy with them on tour they'll add you dont worry i dont think they reject anyones friendship... besides of pornsides prolly lol

[geeko]

hehe yerr right......i feel like im starting to get irresponsible in the street team......i have a lot uf missions i dunt do......

[MrsBennington-Delson]

lol

well I did join the lpst too but since most of the missions are US only or lets say just US members can win/get something I stopped goin there...

[geeko]

yeah i also dunt live in the us......but im surprised,and also waaay too happy that im in the leaderboard......

[MrsBennington-Delson]

well im in the underground so dont care bout lpst

[UnhingedMouse0]

Sorry about blaze guys, someone stole his accout. Im taking care of it.

Posts have been deleted and I changed the password to the account.

[MrsBennington-Delson]

thanks Unhidged! I promise I'll be nice in future

[Jeo]

Sorry about blaze guys, someone stole his accout. Im taking care of it.

Posts have been deleted and I changed the password to the account.

I knew it!

 

The same thing happened on a different forum a year or two ago... But that guy actually did hilarious things... For those two hours he could.

 

Although I wasn´t in those forums at that time, but they have a section on the forums, where they collect junk threads and conversations.

[Jeezy]

Sorry about blaze guys, someone stole his accout. Im taking care of it.

Posts have been deleted and I changed the password to the account.

 

great!

 

again...how are things going Geeko?

[geeko]

whos blaze??

[geeko]

+ ..is there anything else left to do? +

 

 

my life has never been nice.

 

when someone is giving me someting,im thsnkful at the same time doubtful if i should accept it or let the giver give it someone alse who needs it more......anxiety problems.people might think im depemdng too much on them............well i tink they aleady do.cuz these days theyre already letting me know they dunt want to talk to me......or even see me.

 

i find someone whispering to another person while looking at me quite intimidating.ad those laughting whilr looking at me.fucking paranoia.i always have to look back at them just to check if im really the one theyre laughing at.its tiring.

 

at our fucken house,im always the one blamed.did someting wrong again,i say to myself.i dunt even knuw what to think anymore.my 'friends' arent even there.nuw i dunt knuw what you call this.

 

a certain person is the only one i find who's always there for me.though i sometimes get annoyed at him cuz he doesnt knuw huw to give advices,he's just there to make me laugh and do anything to make me happy......even for just a litle while.i knuw when i dunt see him and he doesnt see me anymore i have returned to hell.im just thankful to god he created someone like him.someone whos the only one who loved me and appreciated me for what i am.

 

and to linkin park......i continued to live becuz uf you......for you......you guys have been witness to all ive been through.thank you.

 

nuw i just need to resume in playing my giutar.i miss my music.

[geeko]

+ jeeez +

 

 

jeeeeeeezz......im so bored irritated shocked mad alone fucked up wasted haggard

 

just found out that 2 members uf one uf our local bands graduated from conservatory of music............my dream school......

 

added 5 lbs uf pain to my heart......

 

and the goddamn parents say i wunt have future in conservatory.fuck them.

 

i shouldnt have listened to them.

i need to find a job soon.im planning to move out uf this goddamned house.im so tired uf being pushed around.i figured i want to look for some place where i can be free,where i can express myself more.well ive found it.all i have to do is find my way to it.by myself.i knuw i have to depend on myself now.

 

and i need to reconcile with my guitar soon.

[MrsBennington-Delson]

i wish you good luck :thumbsup:

[geeko]

being emo.

 

hey...been a long time since i last posted..

 

anyways...here i am,still alive,still trying to put my mind in the right place...when will i ever get a life?..i wonder...

 

im going to start studying nuw....my finals are in 2 days....im surprised i can still study..

 

im too tired babbling about things i knuw i cant get..no matter huw hard i try to reach for them.i just realized..sometime in a person's life he will realize that he cant always win..though its too painful to admit that..i just finished crying and im very tired...

[diana]

Ah, you'll get over it...eventually...

Right now you need to concentrate on your studying...don't blow this up now, okay?

I hope you'll feel better about yourself and the world soon...be open...

[geeko]

i think i have some serious problems..i really just dont pay attention to everything until they just go their own way,..and i learn them not even having any idea if i really understand whats going on around me...

[geeko]

the boring life

 

im at school right now.the place i dread the most...

 

man i feel like a blank writer...i dont even know what im doing...

 

the problem with me is i dont know how to open up.i feel i should still value my 'privacy'.which is one of the reasons people call me mysterious,the shy type..cuz i never really talk much.i admire the boisterous ones...like my bestfriend.shes so talkative and i think she never runs out of stories to tell.i just wonder how noisy people manage that; they talk too much yet they dont expose who they really are.somehow i thought the stories my bestfriend is telling me are all related to her,but somehow i dont really see through her that much when she tells those stories.i admire the way these people manage to keep to themselves but at the same time erase the quietness.can anybody tell me how?

[geeko]

IM BACK .! LOL

currently listening to minutes to midnight . need to study for my final exams actually , but up until now i still havent fought my worst enemy named SLOTH .

demn , i think i havent spoken linkin park for ages . completely gone with LPST . wonder how things are going around here .

*looks at the date of my last post* ^^