{Wood'z Journal Act 2}

[woodyloveslinkin]

:drinks: chherrs

[woodyloveslinkin]

Some shit went down last night which I am not proud of now that I think of it this morning. I must admit I did get over my head at times telling him that he's not going to leave me and that he shouldn't leave me and I won't let him leave me. The highlight of last night was when the cops came around when he said he wouldn't go to the cops originally. Nice phone call/visit from them. Ass. I still justify me deleting everything off his computer by the fact that he called the cops. Sounds childish but I reckon he deserved it after the accusation that I fractured his wrist while he was trying to strangle me. Thank you screwdriver and self-defence laws.

I've got my laptop back so that's a good thing. I can view forums properly now without stupid indenting. But, I still have my music/documents/pictures (all of them hopefully) and no software that I need. There goes photoshop and my digital camera software. Crap. The stupid task bar is blue I like it green >.< I'm so lucky though I still have installation files for iTunes and Aim etc etc still on here.

I got woken up this morning early by the electrician putting holes through the wall downstairs. I need a smoke but I'm outta them.

I have to meet him today for coffee. I know what will be discussed and I don't think I'm ready to "forgive" him and vice versa. I know I was out of place at many times with my actions, but still, it's the fucking principle. I saw the look in his eyes when he had snapped and that's why I picked up the screwdriver as he slammed his fist down on my dressing table sending a glass off it (he apparently tried to get me charged with assault for "fracturing his wrist" when that was the time that he had actually done it and after he came out the hospital with his dad he looked fine to me).

But I can't understand how calm he was and that was the thing that was driving me to just wanna hurt him. I know violence solves nothing but I had never been so damn angry and physcotic in my life and yes, the tension had been building up over the past two days or so. I literally was about to walk down to the kitchen and grab the nearest knife in my reach. Don't doubt me, I was ready to go to that extreme. I almost got arrested as well because a) "resisting arrest" b) "assault" c) possessing items that were "stolen" (fucking bullshit) or something like that (his computer, his guitar (which I had completely forgotten about to be honest it was in the room across the hallway that's why) and his uni notes (which I ripped the notes out but the books back was ready to attack his assignment that's unfinished and it's due on friday).

So he's willing to automatically "put this behind us and forgot it ever happened". I'm sorry but there was damage done and I rather think it's kinda unforgivable on both sides (I don't even know if he's managed to figure out the new password to his computer yet on top of deleting over a 100 episodes of DBZ, about 10GB worth of music, and all of his games like Diablo 1 and 2, Half Life etc etc. He said he's backed them up anyway on DVDs so I wanna see how this all plays out today at 12 at Gloria Jeans.)

He was out of line again, by calling up the Mental Health Department on my behalf along with his. If we get back together, most probs I'm doing it because I'm over my head and stuck in fantasies that I can't control (it happens when you love someone as emotional and teenagery as that sounds) or I'm doing it because I'm that type of person that has tried a friendship with this person and hasn't worked out, (yes, done that twice from what I can recall).

I ended up giving back Daniel the $50 last night before everything fell up through the roof. But I told him not to give Ian the $50 directly, and because he felt so strongly about paying Ian back, my landlord, and that he felt MORALLY OBLIGATED* (insert thought here - bullshit btw) to pay him back, just go buy him a beer that'll make Ian happy. I pointed out that he had done the right thing by giving him a Thank You card and I felt like that was enough.

I raised the topic of my labret done and how I felt like he was controlling me that way by threatening to break up with me and all. He said he was only joking. I'm so fucking sorry Daniel, but the way that you said that, you didn't sound like you were joking!

 

 

I'm insanely stupid at times.

And so is he.

* And this is the guy that doesn't mind being selfish?

[Ravynlee]

As I told you on the phone last night (this morning, w/e) this conversation sounds a lot like another's. Go back through the earliest days of her journal (our earlier once mutual friend) and see if you find the similarities.

 

As your friend I have tried being honest and as impartial as I can, for only ever hearing YOUR side of the arguement, never his, and trying to see things with a modicum of common sense (the truth of the dramas lay somewhere in the middle between his version of what happens and yours) But after everything that's happened and everything that built up to this, if you take him back, I am sorry Sarah, you deserve what you get. Sounds harsh but it's true. You could do so much better but you're not thinking straight and letting your emotions blind your judgement. You're in love with the ideal of your relationship, not what it is. You want to believe him, you want to trust him, you want to excuse him and take the blame and make it up to him or try harder to save it and blah-blah-blah. As we said last night, abuse is abuse. Any time where tensions build to THAT point where things get physical it's time to get out. No excuses, EVER. He strangled you and you tried to/wanted to stab him. The cops were involoved. Things were broken (by you). That's not a loving relationship. That's something else but it's not LOVE. Make excuses all you want but like I said, if you're at this point now in therelationship and he wants to just put it behind you and forget, when it happens again don't be surprised if the damage is worse. You're in an abusive relationship and you're not just a victim you're a purpetrator. Nothing you can ever say or do can rationalise what you two did. If you love each other as much as you say you do, walk away, NOW, before you kill each other, or yourselves. If things calm down and you want to t\pick up the friendship sure, once the air's clear. Simply putting it behind you and pretending it didn't happen is a crock of absolute shit. It won't be dealt with, you'll both have it there festering in the back of your minds, and the next time you two argue guess what it's going to be about? You can't forgive and you certainly won't ever forget, take it from someone who knows.

 

Please as one friend to another GET THE FUCK OUT - even for a little while, and put some distance between you so you can both think about what you both did and find a way to deal with it rather than stay there and keep repeating it. It's only going to get worse before it gets better and if he attacks you again or you attack him in 'self defence' in essence you obviously both deserve what you get. Sounds harsh, but at this point you have an oppertunity to getsome big underlying issues between you sorted out, and if he wants to turn the other cheek and not improve things, ask yourself Sarah if a substabdard relationship is what you want to save or if you're just staying for all the wrong reasons.

 

Yes love is blind but it's not stupid. Wake up and start using your head instead of being rules by your heart... it's only going to get broken in the long run if you don't and deep down some part of you already knows it.

[woodyloveslinkin]

That's what I'm thinking now to be honest. I'm not ready, well at least today, not ready to go back into any sort of relationship with him right now. We didn't need to see that side of each other but like I had pointed out to him we had stooped down to the level of threatening to hock each other's computers, and acting like a bunch of kids. He ultimately denied it of course. I hadn't even seen that side of me before, and I don't want that side of me to come back, even though I had sobered up pretty well at that stage. Yes, I had been drinking but no, alcohol didn't make me do what I did because by that stage I had sobered up. But I am a bit cheered up that he said he hadn't told anyone (only his dad knows cos he was there) and he won't tell anyone.

[Ravynlee]

By poeticizing love, we imagine in those we love virtues that they often do not possess; this then becomes the source of constant mistakes and constant distress.

Anton Chekhov, Ariadna (1895)

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Anton_Chekhov

 

You're a Uni student, analyse that

[woodyloveslinkin]

Alrighty then.

 

I'm off. Make up done, wearing my lovely 3 inch platform shoes seeing I left my 4 1/2 inch black boots in bathurst. Will tell everything. I promise.

[Ravynlee]

Sure. I was gonna say good luck but there's no element of luck in this, it's all choice and decision. The pesimist in me says nothing good will come of this.

Stay safe.

[woodyloveslinkin]

I am staying at Imogen's place tonight after today's another breakdown, but this time I had some self control left in me, thus, me not making a big scene in the shopping centre. Sure, I followed him for a couple of minutes asking the same question to him over and over again "Why won't you just fucking talk about it to me?" Usual answer - "Because there is nothing to talk about, pyscho bitch."

He had the guts to critically anaylse me on the spot by suggesting that I have OCD, ADHD or Bipolar. So I retorted back saying "here's my critical analysis of you, you're just utterly fucked to the bone!"

I talked to the uni councillor on the phone today and I have an appointment with him tomorrow at 11. Imogen and I have to go in tomorrow at 9 to work on our Dark Room stuff and I am also looking for an extension for my assignments.

The thing I am most worried about is me. It sounds selfish and probably is selfish to the damn well fucked up core of me, but what matters most to me in life is the wellbeing of me and the wellbeing of me in this situation is not happy, out of control, and not self-trustworthy (<I think that's a word now isn't it?). I found myself during our meeting at one point wanting to get back together with the guy and the next I wanted to physically hurt him. We ran into April today, the person that he got his new place off, and started to talk about his lease and bills or what not. But what provoked me was that he started asking questions about April and Liam's (the guy that thinks I'm a crack whore!) relationship. He was deliberately trying to provoke me and I wanted to lash out at him at Gloria Jeans.

I can't even trust myself to behave. That's the level I've stooped down to.

And now he's saying he's going to break my X-Files dvd that I accidentally left in his computer, or so, he's tempted to do (I was clearly honest with the guy and told him the damage that I had done to his computer...deleting all the stuff that he liked, I swear I didn't touch the system files).

[woodyloveslinkin]

update - im having fun at Immys listening to all sorts of music, including hip hop and metal....will post drunk pics latter

[Ravynlee]

Thanks for the random out of the blue phone call. I love you too

[woodyloveslinkin]

No probs. I can't sleep for shit and I gotta be up at 6.30 and I literally have not stopped thinking about him. It's driving me nuts. Immy's been real supportive throughout this. Got a uni councillor's appointment at 11.30. If I go to sleep, I feel like I'm going to either start dreaming of him or starting to fear about dreaming about him. I feel like walking a million miles until I end up on the otherside of the earth.

I watched the Aussie Opals whoop China's ass in women's basketball. I was literally yelling at the tv "come on Lauren Jackson!". Watched a women's relay where the Jamicans won. Watched the men's hockey where we lost to Spain. Watched the men's hurdles were that Cuban guy with the gold cross won and the two american guys came second and third, just a 0.001 second split of each other.

[FireHawk]

Sure. I was gonna say good luck but there's no element of luck in this, it's all choice and decision. The pesimist in me says nothing good will come of this.

Stay safe.

 

She always seems to be right. Listen to her.

[woodyloveslinkin]

She always seems to be right. Listen to her.

 

I have for once

[FireHawk]

>.> Chocolate Starfish?

[woodyloveslinkin]

God dammit it wouldn't let me copy the damn content.

[woodyloveslinkin]

So here I am back home with a copy of Serena's Photoshop CS3 beside me after going to the councillor and all. Didn't help very much that's what I thought anyway. Imogen took good care of me last night if it wasn't for her I feel like I wouldn't be here in Wagga right now but walking somewhere else, destination unknown. Rachel was helpful on the bus today, she automically picked up something was wrong. She gave me a hug and all and said for me to txt her if something goes wrong.

 

I'm still feel like I want answers and the frustrating thing is, he won't give me them. I have to ask him a number of questions -

a) Why am I seeking help so I can get another chance with you?

b) Why aren't I doing this for myself and not for you?

c) I don't know what to say, but can you stay you love me?

d) Why do I still have too many feelings for you still?

e) Why can't you just die and let me live in peace?

f) Why are you consuming my head?

g) Why is it you're the cause of my 4 hour sleep today?

 

I'm such a wreck. I don't know why. One minute I hate him and tell him to get out of my life and the next I beg for him to come back.

 

I have to meet him at 3.30 at the shopping centre today to give back his stuff and so he can give back mine.

[Ravynlee]

I know why. It's simple. You're still in love with him. There's nothing wrong with that, there has to be good things about him and good times you shared, but realistically you have to stop and think now if it's really these memories that you love or what you have now in front of you. Many people make the mistake of staying with someone because they think love will overcome all in the end, that's simply a lie. When you love someone, I mean really love them, you don't hurt them you want to protect them, you don't belittle them, you want to build them up, make them feel as special as they make you feel, you want to be with them and enjoy the time you have together, not get annoyed and frustrated when they gate crash at all hours, disrespect your sleep patterns or that you have to work or have exams etc the next morning - quite simply you don't hurt someone you love - if you can at all help it. And when it does happen (we all make mistakes) you feel so bad you'll do anything to make things right again, you don't start with name calling, emotional blackmail, or worse. Sometimes even with the best of intentions some problems can never be fixed, and regardless what you hear, time heals nothing, forgiveness (real sincere not begrudging words you say cause you think you have to) real forgiveness does heal things. You have to learn to be a little bit patient.

 

You will always have feelings for him whether he was mean or loving because for whatever reason he is who you fell in love with. Take a good hard look at what you fell in love with and what you see when you look in his eyes now and PAY ATTENTION to the gut feeling you get from it. Remember never stay with someone when everything inside you or external influences think you should, no one was ever born on this earth to be taken as another's slave - unless that's the path YOU WANT to take.

 

And don't give yourself a hard time over feeling so miserable and mixed up. You're suffering, it's called a broken heart for a reason. You're mourning what was not what is. If you were looking at the pain and arguements and tension of the last few weeks from another's perspective (and maybe you'll be able to see this in time) then you'll reaslise what you're upset about isn't the end of your relationship, if that's where you choose to take it. More than likely you'll be happy to get out of that drama, but it won't stop you wishing things had been different or the way they were before. And beware of anyone that promsies to make things go back to the way they were before. Nothing ever stays the same, and nor should it, even happy moments are tinged with sadness as it should be, without them you wouldn't get the rollercoaster of emotions that you get when you're in the arms of someone that means the world to you. But if there's more bad times than good, if you want what was more than what you have you need to wake up to yourself. Everything evolves, even love grows. So does anger and resentment. As you grow as a couple you will grow away from that blossoming start into maturity, anyone that wantsto keep going back to the start will be doomed to repeat the same old mistakes and not learn a damn thing from them. In that case, get out or take responsibility for what you end up with.

 

Just don't allow yourself to be blinded by empty promises or threats of intimidation - you CAN get by without him, you did before he came along, and you will continue to do so. Same as him. If things calm down and you meet up again and want to address the things that cause you the pain right now then good, you might get some answers then - you might not too. It's possible he's feeling as mixed up as you are right now, and it won't be until you both take a big step back and really have a long hard think about what you both want and where you want to be in this relationship that things will start making sense between you... Be aware that you may never get any closure. Sometimes things just are the way they are, and that's it. Don't fret so much over the details, you'll drive yourself mad chasing answers he can't as yet give you. If you hound him you'll only succeed in pushing him further away and you will just end up with more heartache.

 

Give him and you some much needed space and accept the pain as a part of your relationship. It hurts because it's meant to. If it didn't hurt now it would mean you never really loved him in the first place

 

*hugs* Chin up.

You know where we are here should you need us.

[woodyloveslinkin]

On a lighter side, I was insanely obedient today and didn't cause shit. Instead Christan ran into us and we talked. BUT GUESS FUCKING WHAT? I've got my labret done now :yahoo: no bf to tell me that i can't get my labret done well on only that matter I will reiterate :yahoo: but on the other matters . He was insanely obediant as well oddly enough. He came with me and :yahoo: Marie and Paul were working at the piercing parlour, Paul's my favourite piercer in the world, I consider him to be my lucky charm. So I ran into Kate (having coffee with her tomorrow) and twice I ran into Christan before and after I got a needle stuck through me and everyone was like "wow! that really looks great on you!" < Daniel managed to say that as well....hypocrite. But :'( my software for my digital camera is gone and is in bathurst.

[woodyloveslinkin]

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/5a0b7b4cda794bd3fb873c7d3e81af35.jpg

 

Woloah! Bathroom shot. Mirror too small so I had to bend down.

[Jeezy]

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/5a0b7b4cda794bd3fb873c7d3e81af35.jpg

 

Woloah! Bathroom shot. Mirror too small so I had to bend down.

 

bending down, huh?

 

the camera should have been in another angle

[woodyloveslinkin]

It's a small mirror. That's my excuse. Lol.

[Jeezy]

It's a small mirror. That's my excuse. Lol.

 

not a good one though

[woodyloveslinkin]

I appreciate my height. It's the mirror's fault not mine.

[Jeezy]

I appreciate my height. It's the mirror's fault not mine.

 

take a pic without the mirror

[woodyloveslinkin]

I tried. I looked stoned without make up on.