{Wood'z Journal Act 2}

[Ravynlee]

I'm pissed off. I'm tempted to go to his place now and slap some truth into that guy. Asshole.

 

SHUT UP! Keep talking like this he will get you thrown in jail! THIS is what he means by threats! Fuck woman are you that dense you just don't get it? He's playing you like a freakin instrument and my god are you responding. Wake up, Sarah, or you won't have to worry about him screwing you over in court, you'll do it to yourself! >:o

[woodyloveslinkin]

I'm going to ask him nicely to drop everything. I'm not wasting my time and effort in court.

[Ravynlee]

I'm going to ask him nicely to drop everything. I'm not wasting my time and effort in court.

He won't. You know why? For the same reason you took his phone; to hurt him. He wants to hurt you too. Besides, you 'talk him out of it' and he's likely to use this against you later, reminding you how nice he was to you by not taking you to court as emotional blackmail. Don't be an idiot. Again. Stand back and say / do nothing at all to him. Let him dig his own hole. But why am I even telling you any of this? I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall when I have told you for ages now and you refuse to listen. Am not looking to say I told you so, but christ, I wonder why I bother replying at all most times. You'll figure it all out. You do eventually. Maybe.

 

And as for not wasting your time and effort. You don't show being stubborn not only will you look bad you'll more than likely lose your stuff, get fined, maybe charged, and get a conviction against your name (if it were to proceed to actual criminal charges and they were proven) - not the smartest thing - or MOST MATURE way to approach this problem. Use your head. For the love of god, wake up!

[woodyloveslinkin]

Well, guess what I did? I asked him to drop it to his face without an angry word said or done, and he's going to do it. We sat there talking about various things.

He heard one of my friends say (he doesn't know her name) that I've been doing badly at uni and I have. I told him that it was one of the reasons why I'm taking leave and he said it was for the better. He said which really SHOCKED ME was the reason why he hasn't charged me with anything was because he felt half responsible for my actions. He said that he was afraid that he was going to be the one lashing out at me not the other way around and that he feared that I was going to be the one taking the AVO out on him not the other way around. What he said was true, it was him or me that was going to crack first and it was better me than him he said, because he felt like he was going to grab the nearest knife and stab me with it. His direct words.

He said that I could keep his phone but just give back the sim and then he knew I had his phone on me (I've been ignoring my mother's repetitive phone calls for the night) and asked why he couldn't have it back. I said that I felt like he didn't deserve his phone back. He offered to give my stuff back but at that stage I was balling my eyes out. I asked him if he ever loved me, he said yes, he loved the old me but was too afraid to admit to his own feelings about me :'( He went to the coucillor today and funny thing that the guy said, you can love but hate each other so much at the same time. He said he couldn't hug me and I said that I didn't even want a hug. I just told him to drop it the AVO because of some reasons, and he said yes he would.

The only reason why that was brought out on me was because he thought I would never calm down. I was so calm with him tonight I didn't use violence and I didn't swear at him. I didn't raise my voice and I didn't threaten him. We apologised to each other that things had to get to the point of an AVO.

Is it just me or is he making sense for once?

[woodyloveslinkin]

Okay outta sucker mode.

But I swear to God if someone calls my name to wake me up next I will strangle them. Amanda, the people from downstair's secretery, kept yelling my name, so I dragged myself outta bed and went downstairs. I asked her what was happening and she was like

"Just checking you were here, bye."

"How come you're leaving so quickly?"

*holds up envelope "Just had to get something for Ian that's all."

She woke me up for that?

Not looking forward to today at all. It means going out and having coffee with a mister someone to continue on from last night's talk. It's not like we're getting back together, oh god no! But it's just....I wanna make sure that AVO is gone. Crap. Reminds me, therapy tomorrow. He said the reason why he's dropping it is because "he was ahead of himself and knew I was unstable and the only person to blame was himself for letting it get to this point". About fucking time he's admitted to somethings. Or is he being sneaky and giving me back what I want (I hope to God he hasn't got it in his mind that I'll ever get back togethe with him I mean it, I'm dead set not getting back together with that ass) and then pounce on me? Why do I feel like this isn't going to get anywhere but at the same time I feel like I'm just setting myself up for something I don't want?

Marilyn Manson's Coma White is slowly sending me back to sleep....

[woodyloveslinkin]

:yea:

Monthly pregnant test results (I do this for my own ass) My blood tests came back from the doctors just then and the funny thing is I'm not pregnant...but seriously wtf? One minute they tell me from my other tests that I am and the other tests says I'm not. But they also said to me that certain medication like the one I am one, can block out whatever hormone that makes you think you are which can only be found through the first test I took. But still leaving me thinking wtf? Its too technical for me and all I wanna know is I'm not pregnant so no kid for me and no bullshit for me!! YAY! Time to go back drinking/smoking.

[Blue Sky Turtles]

that's good to hear

[woodyloveslinkin]

thanks .......

http://www.offtopic.forum/data/MetaMirrorCache/bbfe27142c4531145d5982682f23d80b.jpg

Me being evil today.

[Ravynlee]

:yea:

Monthly pregnant test results (I do this for my own ass) My blood tests came back from the doctors just then and the funny thing is I'm not pregnant...but seriously wtf? One minute they tell me from my other tests that I am and the other tests says I'm not. But they also said to me that certain medication like the one I am one, can block out whatever hormone that makes you think you are which can only be found through the first test I took. But still leaving me thinking wtf? Its too technical for me and all I wanna know is I'm not pregnant so no kid for me and no bullshit for me!! YAY! Time to go back drinking/smoking.

 

When I was 16 the same thing happened to me. Back then it was called a 'phantom pregnancy,' meaning my body had all the symptoms of pregnancy but there was no child obviously. Their explanation back then (considering only a year or so beforehand I was also suspected of having endometriosis / sterility) was that it was a side effect of medication, namely of all things, the Pill. Go figure. It's always a good thing to seek a second opinion, especially if you doubt the results. It's your body, no one knows it better than you do

 

As for the rest. Nothing to say.

[woodyloveslinkin]

Yeah. I'm still wtfing at the doctors.

 

Well today I kudos myself for not getting physically angry with him. It was in the middle of the shopping centre. I don't know wtf came over me, I just wanted to lose control over what was being said. I know it wasn't anything major being said, but I just found myself getting angry all of a sudden. I talked to someone on the phone about what's been happening and they told me to take this test at the doctor's to determine if I have severe bipolar/schizphrenia. I was like schizaphrenia? wtf? I ain't seeing shit all. And they said if I have been eating a lot lately, and I'm like "more than ever! I have a gut on me!" And they were like it is a sign.

 

As much to my own disgust what was said today, I am partly to blame for getting angry, but I stood my ground I did not lose self control at all. I'm really happy that I didn't. He said that he's retracting the AVO and therefore, for me to prove to him (I can't believe it myself I found myself sucking up to the guy, by all means, I'm trying to get the guy off my back about the AVO) that I will not harm him/myself.

 

We're drawing up an agreement with the help of a therapist of course Something like this -

 

I, Sarah W&(^%*&(&^, will not attack Daniel in any verbal or physical way. If I do so Daniel needs to take these steps to help Sarah retain her calmness -

a) If I get violent or aggressive in both verbal/physical manner, I lose privilages

b) If I don't get violent or agressive in both verbal/ physical manner, I earn privilages

c) I give permission to Daniel if I get violent for to Daniel physically restrain me if I am is "provoked" to attack him physically but doing so he is not allowed to get the police involved

d) Losing privilages will eventually result in the AVO going though

e) Gaining privilages will eventually result in the AVO not going through

f) I am not allowed to damage or steal any of Daniel's property

g) If I do, I lose privilages

h) I will not harm myself with any objects

i) I will not start nasty rumours about Daniel

 

I feel like a little kid, but I have to do it. I am the one to blame after all because I was the one who physically attacked him with a screw driver after all in the first place.

I think his goes along the lines of

 

I Daniel Humphris will not attack Sarah in any verbal or physical way. I need to take these steps to make sure she is okay mentally and physically (because she's been asking for it from day one!!)

a) When Sarah is angry I must talk her out of it calmly

b) I do not deliberately provoke Sarah

c) I will not get the police involved because it sends her pyscho when the police arrive

d) I do not wish to get back together with her (I tried to put this one in but he wouldn't allow it, damn therapist!!)

e) I will not steal or damage Sarah's property

f) I will cooperate with her in the best manner possible

g) I do not wish for Sarah to end up in jail because of me

h) I will not forgive myself if she ends up hurting herself because of me

 

There's some alteration needed badly in those, BUT I am getting help (admit it, I'm outta whack right now) and I am seeking advice. I didn't swear nor did I cause I scene today. I hate to say it, but in his right mood and mind, he is a good guy. We're both fucked up and this has been demonstrated throughout time.

 

My damn sister keeps trying to contact me. I think my whole damn family's concerned for me right now. It's nice, but I haven't even told Imogen of the latest development and that's saying something. I rather discuss it in words than verbally as I know I'll lose self control and do something stupid that I might end up regretting.

 

ACTUALLY - since I've been spending more time on LPA then LPF right now, sorry, but LPA I've made a ton of friends and you get post count for everything in the random section (but not as a good'er friend than you Rav Admit it, you just lurrrrvvvveeee me!) and there's a lot more activity going on there, Arlene did give me a good tip about Daniel in the "Got Something to Let Something Out Part 2" thread -

DS: I think you should hear him out. Yeah, he proved himself a jerk, but if he's willing to support you, you might want him on your side.

http://lpassociation.com/forums/showthread.php?p=825940#post825940

Yeah my user name is December's Shadow...lol, I'm such a nong bat.

But the gay thing about LPA is that if you're a noob the first 50 posts have to be approved by moderators. Penny and I are like the equals to you and Jojo, Rav! We're both Australian and Greek!

[woodyloveslinkin]

I got lots of replies back from that one single photo on LPA. Man it's like a hurricane at 10 pm. Penny from Greece and Sylar and I just spam nonsense shit everywhere in random thoughts. I think tonight's topic was that Sylar needed to wear make up, despite him being a guy and I needed to wear less

Despite me only having 300 posts or so there I've been a member since May and I talk to Mike a lot on AIM, I've seemed to fit in quite well. Derek (a.k.a The Modfather) and I were having a long conversation with the topic being of the American Optical Scheme. I'm not at the point just yet where I can easily ditch LPF. LPF's had some pretty good times at it, yeah, it's dull at the moment, too dull, but I'm rather thinking about spending less time on here then usual. Post my stories that's about it and post in here + LPA let's you have huge ass sigs LPA moves so fucking fast it's only at certain times that it slows down to be fast. Which I guess that's what I miss about old LPF really. I know I shouldn't bitch and moan about LPF but I am following rules and I'm not mentioning any names.

A Great Video, Imagine by A Perfect Circle <3

I'm just bored shitless right now so I'm going to quote some responses to my pic which I said was evil -

@ DS: You look nice in the picture' date=' honey [img']http://www.lpassociation.com/forums/images/lpasmilies/hug.gif[/img]

Lovely eyes' date=' DS. [/quote']

Hardly. You look nice.

Hush.

<3

EXACTLY! December's Shadow you're so adorable on this one! <3

I don't know why people always notice my eyes first, no one really has until this year so that's a bit strange.

I'm waiting for 500+ posts so I can go play in the LPA arcade and try to beat Penny at Pacman and endanger her throne as champion. (You get these neat little banners under your username if you're a champ damn I want one). But I've had to be careful because they are strict on their rules, as you can get warned for saying "retard" and stuff like that.

I love Derek's sig at the moment ^^ -

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/L/f/bush_hurricane_cake.jpg

[MrsBennington-Delson]

sounds cool ^^

I was about to join LPA once but I was kinda "scared" of being the noob and shiz and then like never get back on lol

but hmm... maybe we should move? *shotsmouth* did I say that out loud?

[woodyloveslinkin]

Yeah you did Jos! Hahaha. Well almost 400 posts now on LPA, I'm looking forward to becoming the bejewelled champion more than anything. Man, I'm going to some serious gaming on there. I'm still thinking about moving over there. Well, if you're afraid you should just say "I'm December's Shadow's friend so you've gotta treat me nicely." Haha. I am popular over there. *lol* I'll see you there sometime Jos?

 

On facebook last night, I don't know how long I spent playing that word game, it's like scrabble but you get 7 letters and you've got 2 minutes or so to come up with the most words. I only got about 2700 points compared to Heather who has 5790 points. Damn her.

 

Therapist today, damn. I don't feel like going. It's rainy and cold and I feel lazy. I was gonna wear my blue skirt and blue shirt but it looks too cold to wear it and I don't have the woollen stockings Imogen told me to get, I still can't fucking find it in the shops dammit! So I'm gonna just go in my PJs most probably. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Haha.

 

http://www.lpassociation.com/forums/member.php?u=12852 is where you'll probably only find me in a couple of weeks if I make up my mind ...

[woodyloveslinkin]

I feel like crap. Physically and emotionally. I didn't even go to therapy today. That's how bad I felt.

I've got the line -

Where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like forever that you've been gone in my head and it's just bringing back stuff I don't know if I want the feelings or not. I

 

n all brutal truth, I do miss him a lot. I miss our fun times. I miss how he used to stir me up like crazy (having a reflecting moment so mind the tears coming from me as I write this). I miss the "hey she's hot, why don't you sleep with her and then can I youtube it?" then I usually would retort by giving him the proverbial finger and an evil look. He would laugh and tell me he was joking :'( What I don't miss are the arguments. But I miss the shoulder to lean on, a place to stay when I don't want to be home...even though it hurts for me to say this like a lot, I don't want to get back into a relationship with him. And he acknowledges that as well. I am the one to blame afterall. I was the lousy gf who lashed out at him, deleted shit off his computer, and even though I wasn't his gf at another stage, I still tried to tell him what to do and I ended up hurting nobody but myself. I just thought to myself "I should go to sleep" but then I thought of how he used to hold me and then fucking try to roll over either onto me while I'm half asleep or I move over and I somehow get whacked in the face by either his fist or his elbow, not on purpose of course ^_^ We would have our hour or two nap in the afternoon and then go to bed around 11 and most of the time we were sharing a king single bed. There were times were a double was involved, but somehow I always got complaints no matter what the size of the bed was that I always took the blankets.....wtf? Mum said that was natural of men to do that.

 

The second time round was awesome. We had so much fun and we got along so well. The first time was just chaos because my parents didn't know that we were together and I felt like I had to hide it from them, well, mum found out because I told her my stepdad still doesn't know until this day.

 

The first time around was a bumpy ride, but we had some good memories. Us stuffing around in the park, drinking in no alcohol zones and not getting busted for it.

 

As much as I want to forget it I can still remember the first time I saw him and the first thing I said to myself, well a couple of things -

Any straight guy who's that cute, has to be gay.

Man, he's cute, let's see if I can chat him up.

And chat him up I did. Originally we had met at bus stop. I was sitting on the gutter waiting for the uni bus in O-week to come ask me if the bus stopped here. So we got each other's numbers and we went for O-week party that night. We did nothing but hang around each other (this recollection is actually cheering me up!) all night and we got smashed together. By the end of the night, people thought I was 16 and he was 30, lol. We made out and then we decided to go out.

 

 

I might go to sleep now and hug Billy the Cow instead. He's always good compensation.

[MrsBennington-Delson]

aaawww Sarah *hugs*

 

This kind of feeling sucks =/

I had the same not too long ago and actually do have thoughts like that now too, but you know... sometimes you just have to let it go as hard as it might seem... =/ It's the best for you, trust me, soon you will forget this feeling...

Idk if this might help you but if you have anything that remembers you of him like pics on your pc or on your wall or something just delete or put them away... thats what I did... and I gotta say I feel better ^^ lol

And whenever you're having those thoughts like "Aw how would it be when he's here?" then just slap yourself and say "Stop thinkin of him god damnit!!" thats my therapy for myself lol

 

You'll be all fine soon you'll see :friends:

[woodyloveslinkin]

Thanks

 

Omg my net was being so gay last night after a certain time. It wouldn't let me connect. And I had to reinstall everything and then it would let me connect for about five minutes and then it would disconnect by itself and not let me back on. So instead I listened to music.

[woodyloveslinkin]

Dear Log

 

I have convinced myself I am really unstable mentally. I saw the tears in his eyes as I told him that I was eventually going to commit the deadliest sin to hit the catholic church, suicide. I still feel like it. Today was blown out of proportion completely, as was I. For the first time in ages I shrivelled up into a corner of the kitchen, grabbed a knife and slit across my wrists. I have convinced myself I should've gone to the hospital and be put on heavy sedatives or something. My nails are stone cold blue and I cannot stop crying or shaking.

 

He tried talking me out of it, but it's simply not working. I've fallen into the extreme depression stage tonight. I'm afraid he's going to call the cops or something. I don't know, I don't know why the pain feels so good. I felt like writing a suicide note to my family telling them I cannot cope with the life I am in now, I don't know even why I'm revealing this to every member who rolls their eyes at this, discards it and then moves onto the next thread for them to reply. I acknowledge I am alone. I've fucked everything up in this lifetime. My relationship with Daniel, just all relationships in general. This life has fucked me over and it has come to the end of the road for me. Rather I end up in a mental hospital or I get put on suicide watch, I don't want to know right now.

 

Everything in this world, everything that is good comes to an end. I'm not doing this for how I fucked my relationship with Daniel, I'm doing this because it seems like I have to in order for me to be happy just in general.

 

He went on the forums, these ones that I am posting in my journal, and went around to see if I was alright. He read my Tourniquet update he told me. I don't know why I even care. All I know is that I'm unstable, extremely, and I need to be saved from myself before I literally do kill myself. My last actual suicide attempt was about two years ago. I don't expect sympathy when people read this - I just want them to call the mental health department and be arrested for attempted suicide as it is a crime to kill yourself, legally, watching Constantine three thousand times does have its benefits other than listening to Maynard James Keenan playing in A Perfect Circle with their song Passive and knowing the words off by heart thanks to the three thousandth viewing.

 

I don't even comprehend my own words as I write them. Is this me? I think to myself as the other half just cries aimlessly not wanting to be in this lifetime. He started to cry when I gave him my final kiss goodbye. I just want to wither up and die tonight. I told him if I don't succeed tonight in killing myself, I'll do some serious self harm. I've already done that, but yet, I feel as though it's not enough. Just more, just more, I tell myself as I smile to the pain and the blood running down my wrists.

 

Again, I don't expect sympathy - just call the cops - save me from myself and what I've become. Or ignore me as you think die bitch just fucking die or please more drama, get over yourself. Think what you think. I don't expect sympathy from anyone. So go nuts with badmouthing me about my feelings and unstableness, I'll just put you on my ignore list.

[Ravynlee]

I just want them to call the mental health department and be arrested for attempted suicide as it is a crime to kill yourself

Give me your mother / brother / sister's number.

[woodyloveslinkin]

There's no point trying to contact me. My phone is dead. I'm still using daniel's phone.

I can't be alone tonight. I can't stay here and watch myself sink too this stage. There's just too much blood everywhere right now, on my hands, my wrists and on my clothes. I can't be alone.

[MrsBennington-Delson]

Sarah don't you even try to kill yourself!!

And stop thinking of that!!

Please! There are people around you who need you =(

[woodyloveslinkin]

Dear Log

 

Instability has taken its toll on me. I went for a walk for hours last night. I walked to places where I had never been before in this town. I felt like following the highway and walking to either Melbourne or Sydney, but I didn't. The only thing that held me back was a little angel on my shoulder telling me that I needed to walk somewhere where I know I'll be safe. I walked to Imogen's. She was at Liam's 21st that I now know that I missed out on. So I found myself tapping at Daniel's window. He smiled through the glass and came out. He hugged me and didn't let go.

 

He asked me if I had done anything to myself and I simply didn't answer and thus, he took for a yes and didn't let go of me for a good twenty minutes. I found myself smiling at laughing at things, like the cat that likes to follow us around whenever we walk past the neighbour's yard. It's ae pregnant black and white one. It sits there on the fence meowing at us or its basking in the sun on the pathway. Reminds me of my gorgeous cat, Miffy. It came over to me yesterday when I clicked my fingers and summoned it. I got to pat it. The old lady that owns the cat is very nice to Daniel and I.

 

He came over to my place last night and he knew somehow instantly that I wasn't alright by myself. I found myself laughing at him at times, sharing random facts like did you know that you cannot fold a piece of paper more than 9 times? Interesting. Then we would just be lying on there silently without doing anything and I would just start crying my eyes out. I don't think I've been so much hugged in my life by that man, ever. He kept telling me that everything was okay, I wasn't the cause for our relationship failing and that I'm going to be okay someday. I kept saying that if I hadn't been such a controlling whore towards him we could've worked out, he just shook his head and said that our differences were too big and that's the thing that made us not work out. Is it fair to me to think this way, Log? I think it is.

 

I still don't want to be alive but I'm holding onto the end of all hope as Tarja Turunen would put it in Nightwish's End of All Hope. The cuts, some of them were deep. I told him to his face I've figured something out, if I cut closer to the hand the easier and more it bleeds. You know why? He would just shake his head as I felt a couple of tears drench my shirt. The main arteries/veins are the closest to the skin here as they peak upwards and go different ways to supply blood to all your hand so you have a functioning hand.

 

I woke up this morning still feeling like utter shit and as though Huxley's Brave New World had just taken a sudden hypocritical jerk in the "no human emotions" theme of the 1930s book which I wish never to read again, although I draw inspiration from it and show some connections between the book and Tourniquet, but Tourniquet is different, as I rather admit I have more of a connection between the book and the 1990's film Bladerunner with Harrison Ford in it. I never got to see the real cut of that movie, never, I've only seen the director's cut. It's funny how things work in this world, ain't it Log? It's also fuck amazing how I've just drawn a conclusion between the word shit and Brave New World. Funny, cos the book is a piece of shit. Haha.

 

He said if I ever do it again, he's taking me to the hospital. He said I should stay home today and not do anything that might inflict harm on him or myself. I saw the sorrow in his eyes and still, I can't help but to feel like there's just something missing. I'm alone. And I'm blank inside. There's just an empty hollow space in me that is going to end up killing me. I wish I could've left this lifetime last night, I really wish it. Or I wouldn't feel incomplete.

 

I walked in front of several cars last night crossing the roads. It was a statistic worth trying to prove - how many people die from getting hit from cars. I hardly slept last night even though I had him beside me - telling me that everything is alright and I just can't see clearly. People slitting their wrists, it's normal. Everyone does it. He went through a stage where he hated his life (before I came around) and now I ask why he has these burns on his arms - it's where he burnt himself with a cigarette because he found his life meaningless as well, just how I feel. The veins in my hands as I type this are bluish green. It's a funny thing the human body.

 

I'm going to print out Tourniquet or the LPFs for him. He complains there's nothing to do at either one of our houses so I'm going to get him to read over Tourniquet for me. I think that's the only thing I'm looking forward to in the next two or so years, finishing Project Tourniquet's quest for the Old World and hopefully, publishing it, so it'll be on every bookshelf in the country. JT wants a copy if it's not released over there.

[Blue Sky Turtles]

Don't do it. Not worth the pain you're going to inflict on your friends and loved ones. "He" seems to care a lot or so it seems. Not really worth it. Get help seriously.

[woodyloveslinkin]

No offence but the state of mind I'm in right now, I ain't going to listen to someone I hardly know, okay?

 

Dear Log

It's been one of those days again, where all I do is sleep, eat, listen to music, and go on the net. I've hardly ate anything in the past few days and already I'm starting to show it in my complexity. Pale as a ghost and that's when the tears disappear. I went into a strange fit last night. I couldn't control it. I was shaking all over from my head to my toes I was just shaking as I laid there in his arms I asked him to hug me tighter to stop it. It went on for another fifteen minutes. It hasn't been the first time that this has happened. It was full on shaking for those long minutes and it was kinda terrifying. It was a violent shaking.

 

I'm hungry but at the same time whenever I eat something, I'm automatically not hungry. I had a sleep today and I'm about to go back to sleep soon. There's nothing to do and nothing for me to do about it. I wrote Tourniquet today, but not a full update which is not like me. When I write Tourniquet I usually write enough to update the day I start it unless it's a huge update. I don't know. I haven't installled Microsoft Word back onto my computer. So I'm using wordpad and I have to spell things correctly because there is no spellcheck on wordpad. There have been several times where I just wanted to go over to his place and beg for him to admit to hospital. I'm my own worse enemy as Chester Bennington would put it in Given Up.

 

A lot of people mistake my happiness and whatever is left of it, for pure escatasy, it's not like that. The depression's been there, I just rarely showed and it tried to put a brave face on. There's only so much I can handle. I don't understand Log, I don't. I don't understand a lot of things. Why he believes that I didn't fuck everything up, why I had to turn out like this, why I had to take a turn for the worse when I was just happy putting on a brave face for all to see? Why? Why? Why? I'll go and have a sleep and have whatever dinner I want/find in the cupboard.

 

xx S

[woodyloveslinkin]

Dear Log

I got into trouble again the other night and all I really want to say is that out of all the times that I've cried, I've never cried so hard and for so long. One of my friends had called the ambulunce on me and the cops, and I ran and ran away from everything. I don't know wither it's good news or what, but he forced me to go to the doctor's today and I was put on anti-depressants. I learnt how to cook Nachos yesterday with him, with beans, mushrooms (I felt like I was going to poison and die because of them) and so on. I felt so sick last night, I couldn't stand up because I was ready to faint. So I sat on the floor of the kitchen eating pancakes. I don't want to say anymore. But I will say this, the doc thought it was because of the breakup, it's not. It's been building up for a couple of months, this unhappiness that's been lingering in and out of my head. She said it was normal for this to occur. I don't feel normal though.

[woodyloveslinkin]

I'm starting to have a panic attack!!

 

I still love him to death but after today, I think he feels the same way towards me. We went to the gardens today we saw kangaroos and chooks and all sorts of animals. We were just so happy together...but we're only friends still. Daniel knows how mentally unstable I've been lately, well, of course! I was the one that attacked him with a screwdriver and did more shit, that I thought he would never forgive me for, but he has done so. Are we meant to be together despite our verbal and physical fights??????

 

We laid down on the bed together and I was giving him a mesage and we started to talk to each other about what we do and don't like in one another.

 

Me - He didn't like the unstableness, he didn't like the pyscho Sarah, he liked placid Sarah, he didn't like the stubborn Sarah, and he didn't like the lazy Sarah.

 

Him - I don't like his indecisiveness, he says one thing, says he'll do it but he never does it and goes off to do something else. I don't like the fact that he thinks he's a pussy when he shows emotions - his upbringing, his father is emotionless, I've met him myself. It's something I just don't comprehend.

 

I'm just freaking out !! If we get back together, it'll be for the third time and then I'll have to explain why I am in utter love with this guy (again) to everybody who asks why I have suddenly changed my relationship status on facebook and whatnots!! He knows that I love him still through my mental unstability!!

 

URGH. THE MEDS AREN'T WORKING RIGHT NOW !!! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY !!! AND THE WORSE PART OF THIS - HE CAN'T GET THE AVO LIFTED UNTIL TUESDAY WHEN WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT !! URGH @ LEGAL SYSTEM !!!