GraDoN Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 ok so here we go again and this time lets ROFL and LOL this thread up even more!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok so rules: no racist jokes!!! (well for the sake of keeping flame wars out) no bad sexual jokes. (you know.. going too far) i dont mind emo jokes but if some1 asks for it to stop lets respect it OK LETS GO ill start: Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing). ^ i found that VERY funny A man moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself at his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts the photo in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. But, change your hair style...it makes your nose look too short." hehe ok post em jokes!!! Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/095443c5f5914cdd05b1d389456c201e.jpg http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8df3638f80a4f010e06ef2c959f426e8.gif http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/fe80ab99471398f0ef121d8f90c31038.jpg
Black_Angel Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Hahahh those rejection lines are awesome! I love #6 it sounds like something I'd do xD What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute. Quote i still love you, girl from mars.
GraDoN Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/095443c5f5914cdd05b1d389456c201e.jpg http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8df3638f80a4f010e06ef2c959f426e8.gif http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/fe80ab99471398f0ef121d8f90c31038.jpg
diana Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Ha ha, Gradon, I loved that about nudist colony...it actually made me laugh... Right now I can't remember any joke...so...maybe next time... Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8b479714c2981449a34f1f582adc8fb2.jpg ...ljubim...<3
Sygy Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 ^yeah, that was a total corker, How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Quote iam mors sola fuga est [broken External Image]:http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/9977/n76430001741552817731hb2.jpg
Victim Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Pretty long but I found some of the pretty funny: Pirate Laws: A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor. No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack". All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse. Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question. A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing". Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers". Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood. When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling". A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirateto sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers. Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face. Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling"). A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement. Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet. When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!" A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass". Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys". A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable. No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing. Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you". Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate. Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just "Arrrrrrrr"... Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/305186a372bb061b2ab713febbdc560a.jpg
Black_Angel Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I love pirate jokes! What's a pirates wife called? Marrrrrrrgeret! hehehehe it sounds funnier in real life XD Quote i still love you, girl from mars.
Sygy Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-xigbB2HCY i saw that ages ago but it still cracks me up everytime! Quote iam mors sola fuga est [broken External Image]:http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/9977/n76430001741552817731hb2.jpg
GraDoN Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 haha thats funny ^ Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/095443c5f5914cdd05b1d389456c201e.jpg http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8df3638f80a4f010e06ef2c959f426e8.gif http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/fe80ab99471398f0ef121d8f90c31038.jpg
Victim Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 That was so wrong! Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/305186a372bb061b2ab713febbdc560a.jpg
Greyfoxx Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 hahahhaha that video was so funneh!!!! Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/597b7053e7f6b9db3d3e47081db54c76.jpg youre so freaking gothic fox' date=' just wait till you meet the emo me. youre like redheaded vampira or something[/quote'] http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/aac84d56c4349b6631041cd70d25f813.gif
Greyfoxx Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Truth of life WHAT A WOMAN SAYS: Cmon...This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now! WHAT A MAN HEARS: C'MON....blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW! ((Sowwie for the double post, but i had to put this up)) Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/597b7053e7f6b9db3d3e47081db54c76.jpg youre so freaking gothic fox' date=' just wait till you meet the emo me. youre like redheaded vampira or something[/quote'] http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/aac84d56c4349b6631041cd70d25f813.gif
Linkin_lp_park Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Truth of life WHAT A WOMAN SAYS: Cmon...This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now! WHAT A MAN HEARS: C'MON....blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW! ((Sowwie for the double post, but i had to put this up)) Haha omg, i love that one:D Quote ιη тнє ѕιℓєη¢є σƒ тнє ∂αякηєѕѕ
GraDoN Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 haha good one foxx!!! lol one for the ladies -_- Top 10 Men Bashing Jokes How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Even at that stage they won't stop to ask directions. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A Widow How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are all married. no 8 and 9 is the best IMO Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/095443c5f5914cdd05b1d389456c201e.jpg http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8df3638f80a4f010e06ef2c959f426e8.gif http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/fe80ab99471398f0ef121d8f90c31038.jpg
Greyfoxx Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 haha good one foxx!!! lol one for the ladies -_- Top 10 Men Bashing Jokes How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Even at that stage they won't stop to ask directions. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A Widow How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are all married.no 8 and 9 is the best IMO hahhahahaha those were great!!!!!! *claps* Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/597b7053e7f6b9db3d3e47081db54c76.jpg youre so freaking gothic fox' date=' just wait till you meet the emo me. youre like redheaded vampira or something[/quote'] http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/aac84d56c4349b6631041cd70d25f813.gif
DarknessLover Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I am not anythig like that though *cries* Quote The Park is Back? No way!
Black_Angel Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 haha good one foxx!!! lol one for the ladies -_- Top 10 Men Bashing Jokes How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Even at that stage they won't stop to ask directions. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A Widow How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are all married.no 8 and 9 is the best IMO omg hahahaha i'm totally in the mood for man bashing now. Quote i still love you, girl from mars.
GraDoN Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Top 12 Things Not to Say to a Cop I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! Are You Andy or Barney? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? I pay your salary! Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"lol She....Would you get married again if i die? He.....Definitely not! She....Why not - don't you like being married? He.....Of course I do. She....Then why wouldn't you remarry? He.....Okay, I'd get married again. She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face) He.....Yes, I would. She....Would you sleep with her in our bed? He.....Where else would we sleep? She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do. She....And would you let her use my golf clubs? He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed. haha Six Presidents on a sinking boat... Ford: "What do we do?" Bush: "Man the lifeboats!" Reagan: "What lifeboats?" Carter: "Women first!" Nixon: "Screw the women!" Clinton: "You think we have time?" hehe 10 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen." thats nice lol ^ Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/095443c5f5914cdd05b1d389456c201e.jpg http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8df3638f80a4f010e06ef2c959f426e8.gif http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/fe80ab99471398f0ef121d8f90c31038.jpg
Greyfoxx Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 woah Gradon!!! Those are so funneh!!! Where do ya get em?!?! Lmfao Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/597b7053e7f6b9db3d3e47081db54c76.jpg youre so freaking gothic fox' date=' just wait till you meet the emo me. youre like redheaded vampira or something[/quote'] http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/aac84d56c4349b6631041cd70d25f813.gif
GraDoN Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 well most of em i get here : http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/index.html hehe the fun never stops Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/095443c5f5914cdd05b1d389456c201e.jpg http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8df3638f80a4f010e06ef2c959f426e8.gif http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/fe80ab99471398f0ef121d8f90c31038.jpg
diana Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.Those 2 are the best...and true sadly... Other jokes are awesome also!:thumbsup: Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8b479714c2981449a34f1f582adc8fb2.jpg ...ljubim...<3
GraDoN Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 haha yeah thanks those men bashing jokes are all great ill post more tomorrow time fo sleep now Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/095443c5f5914cdd05b1d389456c201e.jpg http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8df3638f80a4f010e06ef2c959f426e8.gif http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/fe80ab99471398f0ef121d8f90c31038.jpg
Sygy Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 ^ LOL Horror movie survival thingamajo!If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately. Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house. When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there! If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave. Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke. Don't look under the bed. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?" If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area. If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed." It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.) When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later. If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead. As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore. If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger. Do not accept/take anything from the dead. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home. If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet. If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away. Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately. Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing. Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it. If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out. Never put your back to or lean on a door. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house. Never speak to clowns in sewers. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings. If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock. Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators. If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN." If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one. Quote iam mors sola fuga est [broken External Image]:http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/9977/n76430001741552817731hb2.jpg
GraDoN Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 its been posted here before but holy shit is still soooo funny Quote http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/095443c5f5914cdd05b1d389456c201e.jpg http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/8df3638f80a4f010e06ef2c959f426e8.gif http://www.sucksbbs.net/data/MetaMirrorCache/fe80ab99471398f0ef121d8f90c31038.jpg
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.