Just a funny

[tizz]

OK so my warped uncle sends me sillies everyday, but somehow I thought a few of you might like this one

 

 

 

 

 

 

WORLD WAR 3 IS COMING

 

President Bush and Sec. Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

 

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

 

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

 

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

 

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

 

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde w ith big tits?"

 

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

[builder]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,

old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat

down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing

the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"

said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward

the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his

bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices

from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to

investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,

one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike

and rode off.

 

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,

hobbling along.

 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe

what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the

cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard

for me to walk."

 

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the

cemetery.

 

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one

for me. One for you, one for me..."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the

truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking

with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were

still unable to see anything.

 

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron

bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried

to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's

all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence

and we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5

minutes ahead of the boy on the bike

[builder]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he

[8_BALL]

Radical Procedure

 

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

 

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

"It's my job."

 

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

"It's my job."

 

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

 

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

"It's my job."

 

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

 

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

"It's my job."

 

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

 

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[builder]

ahahahahahaha. Long story. Good finish.

 

The Smart Blonde

 

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute

blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You Know"

he says,"I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike a up

a conversation with your fellow passenger. So lets talk."

 

The blonde who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says

to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know, how about nuclear energy?"

 

"OK" she says. "That could be an interesting topic, but first may I

ask you a question? A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff.

 

Grass.

 

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out flat patties

and the horse produces muffin shaped poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't got a clue."

 

"So tell me" she says, "how is it you feel qualified to discuss

nuclear energy when you don't know shit?"