In Memory

[tizz]

UUMM I can't say as I have gotten OVER what he did, just kind of still in shock and plan to remain safely in my denial o fthe reality of it. More of a Jerry Springer thing really. The man I DID know was a drunk, a guy who was incapable of being the father I always wanted, but still not a guy you could hate, never violent (hearing in a fight was complete entertainment) well read and good dry sense of humor (super socail after few cold ones) The man he was when he died was so far beyond my comprehension that it has yet ot realy sink in. You see, after loosing it at some point (goog god I wish someone sould tell me he was suffereing from a brain tumor or something) He saught out a woman who had once worked for him (aparently thinking that she was the reason for the loss of the business, this coming from a guy who had started at least 15 companies in my memory) tied her up, shot her with mace then took a gun a blew her brain out. Then he went on a one week run through the state of Florida, called my sister and said that he had done something terrible and that she should call his wife and tell her he could never come home. Finally the cops caught up with him and before they could get to his car he used the same gun he killed the woman with and blew his own brains into the dashbaord vents. I was so disconected wtih him at the time that I can't even fathom the reality of his death or what lead up to it. No one who knew him even ten years ago can fathom it. I have talked to some folks and we remenice over the man he WAS and stand in utter shock over the man he became. I have NO clue what I am to do with all of this, I hadn't spoken to him since he missed my 18th birthday (my sister saw him a LOT without ever telling me) It's mind boggling. Everytime I try to grasp the truth of his death I go on everload and end up making the Jerry Springer refference in a vain attemot to laugh rather than enter a nervous breakdown. No one knows the truth (or at least no one is capable of speaking of it) as to what happened to him. I hjave been forcabley thrown from the circle of those that knew him later (long stupid story involving a LOT of stupid selfish people without a clue as to what life family and blood are al about) so I suppose I will forever be in the dark. I tried contacting the reproter who covered the story for teh ST petersburg times, but he had no more info than I did. I mourn for my father, and I mourn for the woman he killed (WOW it is still so foriegn to me to say that. "HE KILLED") but life goes on, and like I said I had made my peice with having no foather a LONG time ago.

 

Sorry to throw that story in there, but I felt it needed some explaining in a way.

[skategreen]

UUMM I can't say as I have gotten OVER what he did, just kind of still in shock and plan to remain safely in my denial o fthe reality of it. More of a Jerry Springer thing really. The man I DID know was a drunk, a guy who was incapable of being the father I always wanted, but still not a guy you could hate, never violent (hearing in a fight was complete entertainment) well read and good dry sense of humor (super socail after few cold ones) The man he was when he died was so far beyond my comprehension that it has yet ot realy sink in. You see, after loosing it at some point (goog god I wish someone sould tell me he was suffereing from a brain tumor or something) He saught out a woman who had once worked for him (aparently thinking that she was the reason for the loss of the business, this coming from a guy who had started at least 15 companies in my memory) tied her up, shot her with mace then took a gun a blew her brain out. Then he went on a one week run through the state of Florida, called my sister and said that he had done something terrible and that she should call his wife and tell her he could never come home. Finally the cops caught up with him and before they could get to his car he used the same gun he killed the woman with and blew his own brains into the dashbaord vents. I was so disconected wtih him at the time that I can't even fathom the reality of his death or what lead up to it. No one who knew him even ten years ago can fathom it. I have talked to some folks and we remenice over the man he WAS and stand in utter shock over the man he became. I have NO clue what I am to do with all of this, I hadn't spoken to him since he missed my 18th birthday (my sister saw him a LOT without ever telling me) It's mind boggling. Everytime I try to grasp the truth of his death I go on everload and end up making the Jerry Springer refference in a vain attemot to laugh rather than enter a nervous breakdown. No one knows the truth (or at least no one is capable of speaking of it) as to what happened to him. I hjave been forcabley thrown from the circle of those that knew him later (long stupid story involving a LOT of stupid selfish people without a clue as to what life family and blood are al about) so I suppose I will forever be in the dark. I tried contacting the reproter who covered the story for teh ST petersburg times, but he had no more info than I did. I mourn for my father, and I mourn for the woman he killed (WOW it is still so foriegn to me to say that. "HE KILLED") but life goes on, and like I said I had made my peice with having no foather a LONG time ago.

 

Sorry to throw that story in there, but I felt it needed some explaining in a way.

 

Christ Tizz. I don't blame you for not having this one in a nice neat package. It's like trying to wrap an octopus with tissue paper.

 

It sounds like something you could vent/get out of your system a bit - with writing a book about it. Even just a book for yourself. just to do it.

 

From what you've described...I'd empty my pockets and lay every dime I had on the bet that somehow he'd been put on psych drugs. Research shows that just about every person who "went off the deep end" and did something really violent and out of character had been put on prozac or some heavy psych drug. They flip either on it, or just after coming off of it.

 

here's something for you:

http://www.1000pictures.com/view.htm?cflowers+ftiny-flowers.jpg+x800+y600

[tizz]

He had recently been coplaining of viscious sinus headaches which he had never done before. As much as I would like to know what happened, it can't change anything (other than uncover some possible genetic defect) no autopsy was sone unfortunately. As for teh book, I did start it a few times, but I am still so detached fom it all that it's too hard. I am more interested in writing about my experiences traveling (started a book in college but haven't touched in like five years) My best frined is on teh brink of publishing her first novel (in teh last pages of rewrites from the editor) so perhaps I will be inspired from that.

[Lethalfind]

Tizz, I hope your not offended by this but is it posible he was suffering some sort of mental illness. Its VERY strange for a man to become violent like that when he had lived a more or less normal life before that. He could very well have been on some kind of medication that aggravated a condition or maybe even illegal drugs. People who suffer from Depression for example often self medicate with illegal drugs and or drinking.

You know this is not your fault, your an innocent bystander.

I am SO sorry.

I don't blame you for wanting to know. You might be able to get your Fathers medical records if you want to really push finding out what happened. Are you able to speak with his wife, the one you mentioned??

No matter what he became, he was your Father, and he was not always like that. Something extraordinary drove him over the edge.

I'm glad you shared your story.

I live in Florida but I don't remember hearing this story.

[tizz]

I am beyond posotive he was suffering from wither a nurological disorder or mental illness. This man didn't have a violent bone in his body. At least twice, he started a verbal (LOL Pathetic as that was) fight that landed a friend inteh hospital for taking care of the physical end of it. He was very easy going (perhaps too much so in retrospect)

 

I am not offended by anything concerning my pops (except for my sister's treatment of me when it happend and to this day) It was completely fucked up and a total Jerry springer thing to me.

 

It took place in Pinellas (sp) county I think the town he lived in was Ocala but she was in tampa and he was caught (killed himself)( in some state park. It was the week before Aug. 29 2003 when it all started. The chase across the state (all over the state\) was pretty big news down there as I here it. He had a nursery and put some bit of money into it when the chick said she would act as manager, but he looked at her boobies once too often and she left. When he lost money somehow, he blamed her. Mind you he had started and lost more businesses than donald trump by this point and never seemed to mind, he just up and started another. Who knows.

[skategreen]

He had recently been coplaining of viscious sinus headaches which he had never done before. As much as I would like to know what happened, it can't change anything (other than uncover some possible genetic defect) no autopsy was sone unfortunately. As for teh book, I did start it a few times, but I am still so detached fom it all that it's too hard. I am more interested in writing about my experiences traveling (started a book in college but haven't touched in like five years) My best frined is on teh brink of publishing her first novel (in teh last pages of rewrites from the editor) so perhaps I will be inspired from that.

 

Let me know when to line up for your first release!

[tizz]

Probably won't have time till the brat heads off to college or gets married LOL

[Lethalfind]

I hear that writing a book while a very lengthy process can be very cathartic. My Mom always tells me I should write a book. I have no idea what I would talk about. I feel like the only thing I could write about would be something I would rather forget, like how crazy my family is. Putting it down in writing would make it more real then I want it too be. My middle name is denial I geuss. I don't feel like I can take things like that on myself. I can do nothing to change it so I turn my back on it and distance myself. I tell myself that I am adopted, I don't have to be like that, I can be myself.

I'll let you know how that works out...lol.

Tizz, if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

lethalfind on yahoo messenger.

lethalfind@yahoo.com

[tizz]

Every November there is a writing contest (I forget who runs it) that challenges you to write a novel in a month (reallly just an excersise to write 40,000 words within the time period.) You get a certificate of completion and everyonce in a while someone get published. I haven't gotten past 15,000 words yet, but a friend of my mom's completed it last year. About 30.000 poel try it every year but only about 1500 actually complete it. I will get the info on it and post it here (you can even apply for a laptop to use during the contest)

 

I used to write a lot but haven't since my daughter was born.

[Lethalfind]

I would be interested in doing something like that. I could look at it as just an exercise and not think about the BIG picture. I often get intimadated by the BIG picture.

If I could see through the tears, I could write that much easily. In college when my professors would give SA questions, because of me they would tell everyone "and limit it to only 2-3 pages this time please..."lolol

I think about the market and what would interest people. Maybe a book about mourning the death of your Parent would find a nitch. Maybe in reading about my struggle it would help some other people through theirs. I can see from this blog that there are others out there who share similar feelings. I have been really enjoying chatting with you guys about this. I don't talk about how I feel about my Fathers death with ANYONE so obviously I feel very alone about it. Within my Family I don't want to stir up their pain or risk they don't feel as badly about it as I do. The people in the town I grew up in knew him pretty well but don't really relate to how I feel either.

[skategreen]

I can see from this blog that there are others out there who share similar feelings. I have been really enjoying chatting with you guys about this. I don't talk about how I feel about my Fathers death with ANYONE so obviously I feel very alone about it. Within my Family I don't want to stir up their pain or risk they don't feel as badly about it as I do. The people in the town I grew up in knew him pretty well but don't really relate to how I feel either.

 

I know what you mean, I've appreciated the very kind responses and feedback. In my family I do have sisters that share somewhat similar feelings- we actually spend a lot of time in happy remembrances... however, I'm always careful, for just what you've spoken of.

[Silver_dragon87]

Not to sound morbid, but since we're on the subject of death, I would like to post a poem I absolutely adore. As far as I know, the author is unknown.

 

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep.

 

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn rain.

 

When you awaken in the morning

[builder]

Not to sound morbid, but since we're on the subject of death, I would like to post a poem I absolutely adore.

 

 

Lovely poem.

 

Is death forever? Lights out forever?

 

Not surprising that worship and faith play a huge role.

[angie]

Not to sound morbid, but since we're on the subject of death, I would like to post a poem I absolutely adore. As far as I know, the author is unknown.

 

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep.

 

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn rain.

 

When you awaken in the morning

[skategreen]

Not to sound morbid, but since we're on the subject of death, I would like to post a poem I absolutely adore. As far as I know, the author is unknown.

 

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep.

 

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn rain.

 

When you awaken in the morning

[Silver_dragon87]

Really, angie? Everywhere I've looked it said author unknown. Oh well. Don't thank me, Skate, thank Mary Elizabeth Frye.

[angie]

Really, angie? Everywhere I've looked it said author unknown. Oh well. Don't thank me, Skate, thank Mary Elizabeth Frye.

 

I poppped the first line into a Google Search. Came right up.

[angie]

Here's a simple quote of mine I like regarding death:

 

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.

Albert Pike

[snafu]

I always think of this song. I'm glad I have told him in the living years

 

The living Years

 

Every generation

Blames the one before

And all of their frustrations

Come beating on your door

 

I know that I

[skategreen]

I always think of this song. I'm glad I have told him in the living years

 

The living Years

 

Every generation

Blames the one before

And all of their frustrations

Come beating on your door

 

I know that I

[Cogito Ergo Sum]

Not to sound morbid, but since we're on the subject of death, I would like to post a poem I absolutely adore. As far as I know, the author is unknown.

 

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep.

 

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn rain.

 

When you awaken in the morning

[Cogito Ergo Sum]

Snafu! This is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing this. It's ... just...perfect!

 

On the father's day before Dad died I was once again stumped, oh "what to do for him!" What do you get for the man of little wants, who has everything.. his truck, his sandbox suit, tools, and his home.

 

I finally pulled out some paper and wrote him a letter. I wrote him all my secrets. All the ways I loved him, how I was proud of him, all the ways I secretly enjoyed, "being him", saying "dad's sayings", how I was glad I took after him, and resembled him.. ohhhh...all the stuff...I would ever want to tell him about, stories from our shared past and how they lived with me.

 

and signed it off, "so there you go Dad, Happy Father's Day, two cents worth of paper, and a whole lotta love".

 

He cried. It was...the most perfect thing..and I will never - never - forget it. Three months later I found myself standing before a crowded room of people, choking out my love, tributes, and farewells.

 

I'm so damn glad for that father's day gift. Forever.

 

 

I'm Speechless and my eyes are leaking...

[ToriAllen]

I lost my dad to cancer almost two years ago. He and I had a misunderstanding after he and my mom divorced that kept us apart for almost a year. I had moved in with my mom and he thought that meant I was taking sides. I took his lack of effort to contact me as a sign he didn

[ToriAllen]

These are some pics of my dad...

1. One of his head shots

2. Him and Cam

3. Him and the boys

4. Dad with one of my friends children

[skategreen]

These are some pics of my dad...

1. One of his head shots

2. Him and Cam

3. Him and the boys

4. Dad with one of my friends children

 

 

Ohhhh Tori, he looks like such a nice guy. I'm glad for you that he got to see your kids.

 

Great story, too. So good to get the relationship in order and all that. The cancer must have been hard to go through. (my dad coughed once, "a funny cough" and was dead, - just. like. that. ) Prolonged...I can't see it being good - it had to be harder, in many ways.

 

I'll make a note of your post..and check it out. It's SO damn cool that he got to do this, fulfill this dream.

 

So damn cool.