In Memory

RegisteredAndEducated · September 20, 2005

Oh My...... I'm speechless..... That was beautiful, and actually did bring a tear to my eye (which is a bad thing cause I'm reading this at work!!), but it was such a touching story!! I don't reall have much else to say...

RegisteredAndEducated · September 20, 2005

For a pigmy?

ROTFLMAO, no not for a pigmy , for anyone, I'm only 6'2" and I'm considered tall around here.

I needed a laugh after that touching story up there ^!!!

skategreen · September 21, 2005

Oh my god Skate, you can write so well. I'm at school about to edit a paper and had to check in, I'm sitting here fighting back the tears.
That must have been like stabbing yourself repeatedly to write that but it was wonderful. I am learning that when people write what they know best, they write about their own life experience and it comes out like what you wrote, incredibly evocative.
I remember some of the same things about my Dad, like days before his heart attack, we went to Lowes, I noticed how easily tired he was, how his colour was not right. He was unusually quiet.
Those moments when you got those messages and couldn't get anyone on the phone, I can't imagine how bad that must have been !!!
I too remember the last time I saw my Father, we thought he was out of the woods, on the way to recovery. I took that for granted. I stopped by on the way back from Wal-mart. I wish I had spent more time with him that day. I wish I had made sure my daugther had played more with him that day.

Oh My...... I'm speechless..... That was beautiful, and actually did bring a tear to my eye (which is a bad thing cause I'm reading this at work!!), but it was such a touching story!! I don't reall have much else to say...

Thanks guys...

I second-guessed myself a bit, and wondered if this was "a bit much" to post...it's a wickedly accurate description of the moment...but...we don't really need to crane our necks at the car wrecks...

But...I wanted to share it. I can't..with family..it's too raw.

and Leth, I feel for ya baby...wishing...we coulda/woulda, had more time...taken more time.... those thoughts are a like a barbed wire shirt we wear under our clothes. Somedays...some moments...we're just impaled with them.

Thanks.

Lethalfind · September 21, 2005

Skate you have a way with words, there is no doubt about that. "A barbed wire shirt we wear under our clothes" is SO true.

I loved reading what you wrote and I really think if you were to write a book that it would help people deal with their own grief. I have thought about writing also but I think I would have to wait until my Mother was dead and use a pen name. The things I would write would be too much for her. She is an intensely private person, to the point of paranoia really.

I don't think of it as rubber necking, I think that in sharing our raw feelings we feel less alone, I don't take joy in your pain but I feel less crazy for knowing that others have similar feelings about a thing that happens. Death, however awful is a natural part of life.

Your writing created an image of the scene in my mind, I could see you on the floor, on your knees rocking back and forth, willing it to work for you. I could feel the pain and terror you must have felt and of course the guilt about your sister. I completely understand that because I felt that way about my Fathers death also. If it had to be someone from my family, why the one person who held it all together, the most capable one of us? The one who was like Atlus with the world on his back, day in day out?

I feel my family is so dysfunctional that it doesn't work without him. It took all his strengths to keep us together at the level we were at and even that was not working that great. Holidays were like walking through a minefield, you never knew where the explosion was going to come from, but you knew it was going to happen. Needless to say, I have grown up to be a very anxious person...Thank god they have pills for that.

If you have any doubts, it was not too much, it was wonderful and helpful to read.

ToriAllen · September 22, 2005

Just got a chance to read your post skategreen, and I kind of wish I had not read it at school. It was very touching. Thank you for sharing.

skategreen · September 23, 2005

Skate you have a way with words, there is no doubt about that. "A barbed wire shirt we wear under our clothes" is SO true.
I loved reading what you wrote and I really think if you were to write a book that it would help people deal with their own grief. I have thought about writing also but I think I would have to wait until my Mother was dead and use a pen name. The things I would write would be too much for her. She is an intensely private person, to the point of paranoia really.
I don't think of it as rubber necking, I think that in sharing our raw feelings we feel less alone, I don't take joy in your pain but I feel less crazy for knowing that others have similar feelings about a thing that happens. Death, however awful is a natural part of life.
Your writing created an image of the scene in my mind, I could see you on the floor, on your knees rocking back and forth, willing it to work for you. I could feel the pain and terror you must have felt and of course the guilt about your sister. I completely understand that because I felt that way about my Fathers death also. If it had to be someone from my family, why the one person who held it all together, the most capable one of us? The one who was like Atlus with the world on his back, day in day out?
I feel my family is so dysfunctional that it doesn't work without him. It took all his strengths to keep us together at the level we were at and even that was not working that great. Holidays were like walking through a minefield, you never knew where the explosion was going to come from, but you knew it was going to happen. Needless to say, I have grown up to be a very anxious person...Thank god they have pills for that.
If you have any doubts, it was not too much, it was wonderful and helpful to read.

Leth, I do so appreciate your feedback..it's given me something to consider. I love to write, but ... But it's always been merely a personal outlet, and perhaps something to share with a few friends. If they say they like it, well, they love me anyway...so I never count it as objective.

The idea that someone else could read it and think, "I'm not alone"...just never ocurred to me. Helping and contributing to others has basically been what I've done for work all along...so this comment of yours aligns with that.

Thank you.

I understand what you mean about how your Dad was the glue and the bright point of sanity that held it all together. My Dad wasn't that, but he held a very pivotal role. He was very carefree and joyful - oh how I miss his exclamations of happiness of "just being alive".

With Mum following soon after, it's been difficult to maintain the family. The interpersonal drama has won oft times, without the homefront - the place where we would gather and at least agree on one thing - Mum and Dad!

So I find that I have a larger responsibility now, and a bigger job. I think this is what happens, and that someone has to step into the bigger shoes after we lose our parents. In my family, I'm the one who acts as the bridge between the others. I can't just go cuddle Dad and think, "oh those sillies, they should just relax!"

So, my sweet little anxious one...you might want to consider taking on a new hat... if we put control in on our lives, we gain in strength.

If you're the bright point of sanity, the one who can let the rants and raves roll off your back...the one who helps the others to hold hands...you not only gain the strength, but a bit of the peace..

the peace that was lost

when our tomorrows were stolen ..and

when our world ..... blew away

Lethalfind · September 26, 2005

That might work if the rest of my family was not so far gone. The very thought of being in the middle again is enough to keep me awake all night. I am trying to concentrate on my daughter. Its just her and I. I can't control or help people who refuse to see they need help. Things are so out of control, I just want to hide from them.

After I finish my nursing degree I plan on going to the UK, I hear they need nurses and I can get a nice contract position there. That should be far enough for me to feel safe away from the turmoil.

I think because I'm adopted I don't feel the normal connection to this family that I might if I was their natural child. At a young age I saw how confused things were and I kept telling myself over and over again, "I'm adopted, I don't have to be like this". I think it has worked, I would have been alot more fucked up if I had not said this to myself.

I do love your writing and I think that when we can feel like someone else understands our pain, thats the first step to dealling with it. Its not something we talk about enough.

I have an uncle in my biological family who is much like myself, does not deal with death well. We talk and I feel like I am connected to him in some way.

skategreen · September 29, 2005

Hey Leth,

I'm glad you have a plan. It sounds like a good one. (though taxes do tend to be high in the UK).... not knowing the dynamics and history of your family, but from even just this last post, it does sound like moving away is a good solution. It's amazing what a little distance can do!

It sounds like you have a bit of family to keep in touch with...and you have a child too - and that makes eeeeeverything wonderful! Best of luck to you.

Best best of luck!

(hope you find a nice Brit Boy )

Lethalfind · October 5, 2005

I found out that if I have a dual citizenship, I can use some of the taxes I pay in the UK as a deduction for my taxes here, I assume they mean wage and property taxes. There is also Value added tax which I can get reimbursed when I leave the UK to come back to the US.

Its always been a dream of mine and in the past I have let things get in the way, men mostly that is.

I am getting better at setting aside the things I can't change and concentrating on the things that I can make a difference about. I think when I am finished with my degree I will enjoy being able to care for other people and make a difference in their lives.

In my own family there is so much pain and I have never been able to make a difference for them and at times felt they would drag me down with them.