dazedandconfused84 Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 HOW TO POOP AT WORK > > <><><><><><><><><><> > > > > We've all been there but don't like to admit it. > > We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something > > brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves > > otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate >pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at >work. > > > > CROP DUSTING > > When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell > > is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't > > know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop > > until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to > make > > sure the smell has left your pants. > > > > FLY BY > > The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and > > check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, > leave > > and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. > > People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going > into > > the bathroom. > > > > ESCAPEE > > A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in > > a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of > > embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge > > it. Pretend it did nothappen. If you are a man and are standing > > next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No > > one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. > > Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. > > > > JAILBREAK > > When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun > > pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If > > this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until > everyone > > has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what > > just occurred. > > > > COURTESY FLUSH > > The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the > > water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink > up > > the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK > > OF SHAME. > > > > WALK OF SHAME > > Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have > > just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable > moment > > if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to > > pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use > of > > the COURTESY FLUSH. > > > > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER > > A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You > > will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with > > a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the > > office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. > > > > THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) > > A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency > > pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to > monitor > > the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE > > HAVENS. > > > > SAFE HAVENS > > A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can > > least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the >opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex >entering > > the bathroom. > > > > TURD BURGLAR > > Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries > > to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and > > vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If > this > > occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way >you > > will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. > > > > CAMO-COUGH > > A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that > > you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or > > to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in > > conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. > > > > SHIRLEY TEMPLE > > A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd >Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt >that > > the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the > > bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. > > > > WATERMELON > > A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. > > This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon > coming > > on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. > > > > HAVANAOMELET > > A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in > > the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a > > CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. > > > > AUNT BETTY > > A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could > > spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting > on > > the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the > > crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. > > This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees > > > > <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> > > SOME VARIETIES > > > > The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. > > It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple > > from straining so hard. > > > > Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs. > > > > Cement Block or Oh God Poop = You wish you'd gotten a spinal > > block before you poop. > > > > Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third > > flush, it's still floating in there. My God! How do I get rid of it? > > This poop usually happens at someone else's house. > > > > The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your > > rear before it falls into the water. > > > > The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the > > toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. > > > > The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you > > when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. > > > > The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when > > you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to > > rise. 1 Quote
Jhony5 Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 ..............No shit? Quote i am sofa king we todd did.
snafu Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 If you stink up the shitter it's common knowledge that you stay in the stall until everybody leaves. And make sure you hide your shoes. 1 Quote "You can't stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws. That's just insane!" Penn & Teller NEVER FORGOTTEN
eddo Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 what a crappy post. Quote I'm trusted by more women.
snafu Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 What Quote "You can't stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws. That's just insane!" Penn & Teller NEVER FORGOTTEN
Komrade Vostok Hazard Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 What the shit? Quote All bullshit, No Business.
RoyalOrleans Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 What Quote To be the Man, you've got to beat the Man. - Ric Flair Everybody knows I'm known for dropping science.
ToriAllen Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 What’s up with the handicap stall? Why dose it have to be so high off the ground? I mean I need leverage. My feet gotta be planted firmly on the ground or there’s gonna be hell to pay. WTF? You use the handicap stall? Do you park in handicap spaces too, you selfish jerk? While you're using that stall some poor, really tall, handicapped man is pissing himself. Quote Smart men learn from their own mistakes; Wise men learn from others. I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
snafu Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 WTF? You use the handicap stall? Do you park in handicap spaces too, you selfish jerk? While you're using that stall some poor, really tall, handicapped man is pissing himself. While handicapped people make handicapped faces. I'm an asshole... And I use public toilets and piss on the seat, I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?" I'm an asshole... . . . . . a real fucking asshole.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A-SS-HO-LE Quote "You can't stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws. That's just insane!" Penn & Teller NEVER FORGOTTEN
RoyalOrleans Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 WTF? You use the handicap stall? Do you park in handicap spaces too, you selfish jerk? While you're using that stall some poor, really tall, handicapped man is pissing himself. Handicapped, or should I say Differently Challenged Americans, people tend towards indifference. Except when it comes to parking spaces and restroom stalls. Quote To be the Man, you've got to beat the Man. - Ric Flair Everybody knows I'm known for dropping science.
snafu Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I know I'm guilty but why isn't there anything to look at while your standing at the urinal? You just look up and stare off into space. Kinda like a trance. Thank god for the restaurants that post the newspaper for you. And don't turn your head my way dude. Quote "You can't stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws. That's just insane!" Penn & Teller NEVER FORGOTTEN
RoyalOrleans Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I know I'm guilty but why isn't there anything to look at while your standing at the urinal? You just look up and stare off into space. Kinda like a trance. Thank god for the restaurants that post the newspaper for you. And don't turn your head my way dude. Just concentrate on keeping the stream in the urinal and not on your pants, shoes, the wall, and the guy next to you. Got it? Quote To be the Man, you've got to beat the Man. - Ric Flair Everybody knows I'm known for dropping science.
eddo Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I know I'm guilty but why isn't there anything to look at while your standing at the urinal? You just look up and stare off into space. Kinda like a trance. Thank god for the restaurants that post the newspaper for you. And don't turn your head my way dude. Dan Marino's sports bar in Orlando Florida has mini tv's mounted above the urinals so you don't miss any of the game during pit stops. Best. Idea. Ever. Quote I'm trusted by more women.
snafu Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Now the women have their own head etiquette I'm sure. Could any ladies elaborate? I mean is it okay to make eye contact while someone is taking a whiz? Or is it okay to talk while their whizzing but not pinching a loaf? Quote "You can't stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws. That's just insane!" Penn & Teller NEVER FORGOTTEN
ToriAllen Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Now the women have their own head etiquette I'm sure. Could any ladies elaborate? I mean is it okay to make eye contact while someone is taking a whiz? Or is it okay to talk while their whizzing but not pinching a loaf? Make eye contact?! How the hell...I don't make a habit out of following other women into the stall, and I don't peek in through the cracks trying to make eye contact with them. If the stall lock is broken we hold the door shut for each other. If we are already in the middle of a conversation then we continue on right through the peeing, flushing, and hand washing. I never do anything but pee in a public bathroom. Most women do not use public bathrooms for BM's unless they are really sick and can't help it. In that case, you find a restroom that is out of the way that no one ever uses and is always empty. Quote Smart men learn from their own mistakes; Wise men learn from others. I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
snafu Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Make eye contact?! How the hell...I don't make a habit out of following other women into the stall, and I don't peek in through the cracks trying to make eye contact with them. ................ Well I mean when you all go in groups to the can, don't you bullshit to eachother while one is doing the bizz? Quote "You can't stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws. That's just insane!" Penn & Teller NEVER FORGOTTEN
ToriAllen Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Well I mean when you all go in groups to the can, don't you bullshit to eachother while one is doing the bizz? I believe I answered that with this... If we are already in the middle of a conversation then we continue on right through the peeing, flushing, and hand washing. When we all go into the bathroom together it is usually to check our make-up and fluff our hair. We don't all cram into one stall and watch each other pee, so eye contact is not an issue with us (No urinals in the girls bathroom). Quote Smart men learn from their own mistakes; Wise men learn from others. I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
manicmonday Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I never do anything but pee in a public bathroom. Most women do not use public bathrooms for BM's unless they are really sick and can't help it. In that case, you find a restroom that is out of the way that no one ever uses and is always empty. Bingo and that's only if I need to change tampons to boot. Otherwise, I can wait. Quote The dick has no conscience and the heart has no rational abilities.
klowieboyz Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 ..............No shit? How insightful. Don't use your entire vocabulary all in one post Quote
KatSkratch Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I have to be at the point of just about peeing my pants to use a public bathroom <UGH> or like someone else mentioned, very sick or traveling and can't help it. We women like our own bathrooms at home - we know every single bum that has been in contact with the toilet. Quote
KatSkratch Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 oh, but I'm very selective as to the buyer - I make sure to do a complete inspection first. Quote
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