This Joke Is Even Cuter!!!

[RoyalOrleans]

The Aristocrats

[ImWithStupid]

That joke was just adorable. I usually don't go for that cutsie humor but it just works there.

[eisanbt]

DEAR GOD, I've heard that joke before. My co-worker told it to me, theres accually a movie bout it (Bob Saget tells the joke quite well appearently)

[builder]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a

sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord

said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will

grant you one wish."

 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I

want."

 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required

to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would

take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for

worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a

wish you think would honour and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish

that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what

they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,

what they mean when they say nothing', and how I can make a woman truly

happy."

 

The Lord replied "Do you want lights on that bridge?"

[ToriAllen]

Eight Words with two Meanings

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female......Any part under a car's hood.

Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.........Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male..........A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

 

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[ToriAllen]

Subject: Motorcycle Inventor Goes To Heaven

 

 

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"

 

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

 

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

 

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

 

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

 

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

 

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer then printed out a slip of paper. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

[Jhony5]

Tori, I think you might have to take over as GF's class clown. I can't compete with someone who's actualy using funny jokes.

[ToriAllen]

Monkey Butt

 

A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.

 

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

 

The guy said, "No, what?"

 

"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table - whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b-------. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate and walked out.

 

Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it found a peanut. This, too he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

 

The bartender was disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

 

"No, what?" replied the guy.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The same with a peanut!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures it first."

[Lethalfind]

Monkey Butt

 

A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.

 

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

 

The guy said, "No, what?"

 

"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table - whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b-------. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate and walked out.

 

Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it found a peanut. This, too he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

 

The bartender was disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

 

"No, what?" replied the guy.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The same with a peanut!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures it first."

 

LOLOL, I'm fuckin dyin...

[builder]

Have a chuckle........from a WOOFie.

 

TESTICULATING

Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a

project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and

then leaves.

ASSMOSIS

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by

sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get

screwed and die.

CUBE FARM

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and

people's

heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on (there may be cake).

MOUSE POTATO

The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn

into

when they have children and one stops working to stay home with the

kids

or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it

to

work again.

ADMINISPHERE

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and

file.

 

Decisions are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the

problems

they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded

"administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not

Found,"

OHNOSECOND

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just

made

a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

WOOFies

Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING

Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then

enjoying

the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING

[ToriAllen]

SALMON DAY

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get

screwed and die.

This will be my new term for having a bad day from now on....

[builder]

I'm a big fan of this one, Tori.

 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it

to work again.

[ToriAllen]

I'm a big fan of this one, Tori.

Yeah, unfortunately so is Hubby...

[builder]

It's a bloke thing, Tori. Surprising how often it works too.

 

Here's an old joke.

 

This guy gets pulled over for not stopping at a stop sign. The copper is already writing the ticket, but the guy gets out and starts arguing his case. " I slowed right down, looked both ways, and nothing was coming. So what's the difference, Officer?"

 

With that, the cop takes out his truncheon, and starts belting the guy around the head and shoulders. The cop casually asked, "Now, would you like me to slow down, or come to a complete stop?"