Sick jokes here

[TheJenn88]

What do you call a ****** hanging from a tree?...branch manager.

 

How do you starve a ******? Hide his welfare check in his work boots.

 

What the difference between a dead ****** in the road and a dead cat? The cat has brake marks to it.

 

Why are monkeys so pissed off? Because they know that in 1o million years they will be ******s.

 

What do you get when you cross a mexican and a ******? Someone who is to lazy to steal.

 

What do ****** kids get for Christmas?

Your bike.

 

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?

Father's Day.

 

How do you know when the chinese are moving into your neighborhood? The mexicans start getting car insurance.

 

What did a white guy see when he looked at his family tree?

A straight line!

[fullauto]

What did a white guy see when he looked at his family tree?

A straight line!

 

ROFLMAO ! ! !

 

The familly tree of white trash is a double helix!

[ImWithStupid]

What's a guy to do??

 

A guy goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks

The assistant for an inflatable doll.

 

"Would you like a male or female doll?" replies the

Assistant.

 

"Female, please."

 

"Would you prefer Black or White?"

 

"White, please."

 

"Would you care for a Christian or a Muslim?"

 

With this question, the customer became

Confused....then replied, "What does religion have to

Do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

 

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one

Blows itself up........."

[angie]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife, and go home."

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

 

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[hopeUslide]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her

altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air

balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet

above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

 

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost! Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

 

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're

going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you

expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position

you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[ImWithStupid]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they

were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the

deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly

jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 

 

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she

immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she

now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and

said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that

you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by

jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action

displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved,

hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved

him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 

 

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.

 

 

How soon can I go home?"

[RoyalOrleans]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

 

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

 

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. "And I'm still here today."

 

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with is penis.

[RoyalOrleans]

Two polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

 

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

[gotony]

3 construction workers are on a lunch brake. An Irish man, Mexican and a Polish man. Sitting on a beam high above the city they all their lunch boxes. First the Irish man, "Man if my wife packs me corned beef one more time I am going to jump!" Next the Mexican "Man, if my wife packs me another burrito one more time, i am going to jump!" Lastly, the Polish man opens his lunch box and says, "Man if my wife packs me one more sandwich, i am going to jump!"

 

The next day they all three sit down to have lunch together. The Irish man opens his lunch box and without saying a word, he jumps. Next the Mexican opens HIS lunch box and without saying a word, he jumps. Lastly the Polish man opens his lunch box and jumps.

 

At the funerals the Irish mans wife sobs and says "If only i didn't pack him corned beef he would be here today!" At the Mexican man's funeral HIS widow sobs and says "If only i didn't pack him another burrito, he would be here today. So at the Polish mans funeral, his widow looked at everyone and said "What? Don't look at me, I packed him lasagna!"