tiredofwhiners Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 What do you tell a women with 2 black eyes..... Nothing shes all ready been told twice. Quote AA's for quitters...i'm no quitter!
ImWithStupid Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the ; clerk, "What's with the guy over there by the wall?" The clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives." The clerk calmly responds, "Of course you can, look at him, he's afraid to cough." Quote
RoyalOrleans Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 The Aristocrats My own personal variation of the classic dirty joke... A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us." The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute." The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us." The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." The entire family disrobes and stands before the agent. All are completely naked, except for the mother. Weighing in at over 600 pounds, the mother is obviously severely retarded. She is wearing nothing but a humongous adult diaper, which appears to be filled well beyond its maximum rated capacity. A tab of velcro at each corner of the diaper is all that holds back a torrent of unspeakable horror. A colony of flies swarms around the obese matriarch as she skips about in her diaper, licking a large lolipop while chanting "La la la la la!" The father reaches into the dog's ass, and pulls out a Louisville Slugger. He bandies it with a flourish before bringing it crashing against his wife's skull. She falls to the floor, rocking the building to its foundation. As she lies semi-conscious on the floor, the father and son grab each other's cocks and begin jerking each other off, until they squirt dual goo-streams into the mother's open mouth. When they’re done, the dog squats over her face and pinches a large steaming loaf that drops straight into her gaping pie hole. The young, pubescent daughter appears to be no more intelligent than her feeble mother. She cups her hands around her tiny swelling titties, which glisten with doggie saliva. Her skin is smooth and unblemished, save for a large scab which has formed over her virginal cunt...the result of having been repeatedly violated with an ice pick by her own mother. Her brother grasps the edge of the scab and tears it away as she screams in agony. He drops to his knees and begins licking the pus and blood from her open, infected wound while the dog fucks him in the ass. The girl’s cries of pain soon turn to moans of ecstasy. She climaxes, coughing up a large mucous-coated ball of clotted blood, which Fido eagerly devours. The father turns around, bends over, and spreads his gluteal cheeks. The agent groans at the sight of what appears to be a huge, grotesque hemmorhoid. When it begins to move, he takes a closer look and is amazed to discover that is actually a tiny man! Or, more accurately, a tiny half-man. For what he is now observing is the father's twin, congenitally-joined at his waist to the inside of the father's ass-crack. His perfectly formed head and arms are no bigger than those of a mouse. "Hello, Uncle Bert!" squeals the daughter. "How's my favorite niece?" Bert squeaks in a tiny voice. "Let your uncle have at those titties!" The daughter proudly thrusts one of her tender budding puppies into her father's ass. Bert grabs the swelling nipple between his two hands and pressed his face into it. Suddenly, the father's sphincter begins to contract as it squeezes a large brown log from its eye. Bert reaches down and siezes a piece of undigested corn from the passing turd. He holds the nugget between his hands, shouts "lunch time!" and begins to gnaw on the kernal. "Lunchtime!" echoes the father, mother, brother and sister. The mother divides the turd into 4 pieces, and the entire family digs in. "Now, for our Grand Finale!" announces the father. He grasps the 2 tabs that are holding the mother's diaper in place. "This Depends has remained unopened for exactly one year. Prepare to be amazed as we explore the unknown and discover the wonders that lie within!" With those words, he releases the tabs and the humongous diaper falls to the floor with a resounding thud. A dark cloud of toxic green gas immediately wafts forth, enveloping them all in an indescribable stench, inducing them to begin vomiting blood. Turning his attention to the diaper, the agent can scarcly believe his eyes. Among the massive mounds of shit and coagulated blood are undigested remains of the mother's meals. This includes rusty tin cans; at least 3 license plates from various states; remnants of a used colostomy bag; and what appear to be shards of human bones and fingernails. But there’s more. A hideous creature suddenly emerges from the hellacious dung pile. Closer examination reveals it to be a severely deformed baby, whose birth apparently had gone unnoticed by the mother. With rage in its eyes, the baby turns on its mother, shredding her fat face with its razor sharp teeth. The brother picks up the deranged infant and thrusts his throbbing dick into its tiny mouth. The baby chomps down, cleanly severing the head from his brother's cock. He spits, and it shoots across the room like a champaign cork before landing squarely on the agent's lap. The father proudly exclaims "Ta Daaaah!” as the entire family takes its bows For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" And the father says, "The Aristocrats!" Top that, muddafukkas! Quote To be the Man, you've got to beat the Man. - Ric Flair Everybody knows I'm known for dropping science.
scout Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I can't believe I read the whole thing......... Quote
cool_dude Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 That was so funny! I couldn't stop laughing. Quote
hugo Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 One night a man walked into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "Honey," he said "this is the pig I've been fucking when you aren't around." Derisively, his wife rolled over and said "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you jackass." Coldly he replied, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you!" Quote The power to do good is also the power to do harm. - Milton Friedman "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." - James Madison
RoyalOrleans Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 A man wielding a gun and wearing a ski mask comes barging into a sperm bank. He charges over to a nurse, points the gun at her head, and exclaims, "You see the specimen there?". The nurse repiles, "Yes". "Drink it down and no SPITTING!!!" the gun toting man screams. So the nurse gulps it down without hesitation. At that point, the man drops the gun and pulls off the ski mask to reveal that he is the nurse's husband. He says, "Now, was that so hard?". Quote To be the Man, you've got to beat the Man. - Ric Flair Everybody knows I'm known for dropping science.
Tex Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 What's the difference between a Tolhouse Cookie and a Jew? The cookie doesn't say Oi Vey when you put it in the oven! Now that's sick! Top that one! A child sex killer is leading a little girl into the woods, when she starts to cry. 'Mister, Mister, it's getting dark and I'm scared.' 'I don't know why you're so scared,' He sez, 'At least you don't have to walk back on your own.' Btw, is it true Michael Jackson wants to be cremated when he passes, so he can have his ashes put in an etch-a-sketch and kids can still play with him? Quote I'll just have a shit, and then I'll feel better.
builder Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I find your choice of dirty jokes very telling about you is your alter ego kinko the kid loving clown? Agreed. The thread is sick jokes, not sicko pedo fuckwad jokes. Quote Persevere, it pisses people off.
Tex Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I find your choice of dirty jokes very telling about you is your alter ego kinko the kid loving clown? Gettin' a little warm for you in here JizzJugg? Quote I'll just have a shit, and then I'll feel better.
Cogito Ergo Sum Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I find your choice of dirty jokes very telling about you is your alter ego kinko the kid loving clown? Agreed. The thread is sick jokes, not sicko pedo fuckwad jokes. NazzNegg & builder -----Shut the Fuck Up! Have you both lost the ability to reason? Did you read R/O's version of "The Aristocrats"? IT a classic vaudeville joke and it's the sickest joke ever told and only gets more disgusting and vile with each retelling. “the father and son grab each other's cocks and begin jerking each other off, until they squirt dual goo-streams into the mother's open mouth Her brother drops to his knees and begins licking the pus and blood from her open, infected wound while the dog fucks him in the ass. The girl’s cries of pain soon turn to moans of ecstasy. She climaxes The daughter proudly thrusts one of her tender budding puppies into her father's ass. Uncle Bert grabs the swelling nipple between his two hands and pressed his face into it. The brother picks up the deranged infant and thrusts his throbbing dick into its tiny mouth. “ Please, I think Tex's "sick joke" is just fine. The topic is "sick jokes" and that's that. You two just have your feathers bristling because somebody's shown up that can take your shit and fling it right back at you. What fun! munching more popcorn - furiously Quote . I put no stock in religion. By the word "religion" I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of god. I have seen too much "religion" in the eyes of too many murderers. Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness. WE'VE SPENT HOW MUCH IN IRAQ? www.costofwar.com - http://icasualties.org/oif/ - http://iraqbodycount.net/
phreakwars Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Hmm sick jokes ehh ?? So cool_dude comes up to me and says.. "Hey Phreak," ....ok, maybe I shouldn't tell that joke.... some may be offended... . . Quote https://www.facebook.com/phreakwars
Tex Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Agreed. The thread is sick jokes, not sicko pedo fuckwad jokes. Fuckin' ell Builder, I thought you were a mod when you messaged me about this last night. :o Here's one especially for you: Three Aussie builders - Steve, Bruce and Blue - were working on a high-rise building project. One day Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Foster's under his arm. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, mate?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Blue replies. "That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Blue says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you that case of Foster's you are' Quote I'll just have a shit, and then I'll feel better.
hugo Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Gettin' a little warm for you in here JizzJugg? Nazznegg is a fucking moron. Quote The power to do good is also the power to do harm. - Milton Friedman "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." - James Madison
builder Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Fuckin' ell Builder, I thought you were a mod when you messaged me about this last night. :o Suck shit Tex. You think you were gonna waltz in unnanounced? GF is where people like you come to get verbally carved. Quote Persevere, it pisses people off.
Tex Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Heh. You sneaky wombat-molesting fuck. The only difference between Aussies and onions is that people don'y cry when you carve up an Aussie. 1 Quote I'll just have a shit, and then I'll feel better.
builder Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Heh. You sneaky wombat-molesting fuck. The only difference between Aussies and onions is that people don'y cry when you carve up an Aussie. Just lay on the platform and take it like a man. And please don't cry out "freedom" when your guts hits the floor. It's not a good look. A bit overdone. Quote Persevere, it pisses people off.
Tex Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Just lay on the platform and take it like a man. And please don't cry out "freedom" when your guts hits the floor. It's not a good look. A bit overdone. Fair enough. :o We usually leave crying for freedom to the Scots as, unlike yourselves, we've never needed to. Still, it does have a bit more flair than 'Yo Adrian' though, right?. Silly Yanks. Quote I'll just have a shit, and then I'll feel better.
builder Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Fair enough. :o We usually leave crying for freedom to the Scots as, unlike yourselves, we've never needed to. No, not after being invaded and inseminated by all of northern Europe. Didn't hurt a bit after that. And thank fuck that Roman cunt got his African slaves to build that hell of a wall to keep out those pesky bloody Scots and Welsh. Still, it does have a bit more flair than 'Yo Adrian' though, right?. Hadrian, that was the fucker. Built that wall so you multi-cultural bastards didn't have too much to worry about the serious pricks to the north-east. More dicks coming from France than you knew what to do with, but that might account for the smell. Silly Yanks. Quote Persevere, it pisses people off.
Tex Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 No, not after being invaded and inseminated by all of northern Europe. Didn't hurt a bit after that. And thank fuck that Roman cunt got his African slaves to build that hell of a wall to keep out those pesky bloody Scots and Welsh. Hadrian, that was the fucker. Built that wall so you multi-cultural bastards didn't have too much to worry about the serious pricks to the north-east. More dicks coming from France than you knew what to do with, but that might account for the smell. Yo Hadrian. Actually, as Great Britain or the UK we've never been invaded and beaten. You kinda pointed that out in your post when ya said about keepin' the Scots and Welsh out...they're British too m8. Quote I'll just have a shit, and then I'll feel better.
ToriAllen Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Fuckin' ell Builder, I thought you were a mod... Suck shit Tex. You think you were gonna... Heh. You sneaky wombat-molesting fuck... Just lay on the platform and take it like a man... Fair enough... No, not after being invaded... Yo Hadrian... Enough. Go write your love notes in another thread. This is a thread meant for jokes, although watching your pathetic attempts at insulting each other is certainly on par with a really bad joke. I'll even set up another thread for you in the Piss-pot. 1 Quote Smart men learn from their own mistakes; Wise men learn from others. I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
phreakwars Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Enough. Go write your love notes in another thread. This is a thread meant for jokes, although watching your pathetic attempts at insulting each other is certainly on par with a really bad joke. I'll even set up another thread for you in the Piss-pot.This I gotta see !! . . Quote https://www.facebook.com/phreakwars
Tex Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Enough. Go write your love notes in another thread. This is a thread meant for jokes, although watching your pathetic attempts at insulting each other is certainly on par with a really bad joke. I'll even set up another thread for you in the Piss-pot. That didn't even have a punchline. What do women and KFC have in common? When you've finished the legs and the breasts, you still have a greasy box to put your bone in. Quote I'll just have a shit, and then I'll feel better.
builder Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Two nuns are riding their bicycles around a back street in Rome. 1st nun; I've never come this way before. 2nd nun; It's the cobblestones, dear. Quote Persevere, it pisses people off.
Tex Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Two nuns in a bath, One says 'Where's the soap?' The other says, 'Yeah, it does, doesn't it.' Quote I'll just have a shit, and then I'll feel better.
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