More useless information

[builder]

Just in case you wanted to know this rather useless piece of information.

 

On The 4th of next month (May), at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be:

 

01:02:03 04/05/06

 

That won't ever happen again in our lifetime

 

You may now return to your life.

 

.

.

.

[angie]

Just in case you wanted to know this rather useless piece of information.

 

On The 4th of next month (May), at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be:

 

01:02:03 04/05/06

 

That won't ever happen again in our lifetime

 

You may now return to your life.

 

.

.

.

My life is complete now. Thank you, Buiklder.

[oldschool]

Just in case you wanted to know this rather useless piece of information.

 

On The 4th of next month (May), at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be:

 

01:02:03 04/05/06

 

That won't ever happen again in our lifetime

 

You may now return to your life.

 

.

.

.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy,lol.

[Gallytuck]

Hopefully it's a sign that Jesus is coming to save us all.

[builder]

Hopefully it's a sign that Jesus is coming to save us all.

 

It's a sign that your weekly rubbish uptake is due, and you were too slack to leave your wheelybin out for collection. Loser.

[builder]

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"

 

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the head of the family, so call me the President.

Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

The Nanny, we'll consider the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper.

 

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his Mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding her door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concepts of politics now."

 

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

 

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[builder]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

 

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

 

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

 

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

 

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

 

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed.

 

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"

[builder]

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by

Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long

as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to

figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he

would be put to death.

 

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would

perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an

impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the

monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end

 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess,

the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with

everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would

have the answer.

 

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the

kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to

talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to

agree to her price first.

 

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the

Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had

only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never

encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a

terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life

and the preservation of the Round Table.

 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's

question thus:

 

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her

own life.

 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a

great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

 

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom

and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a

horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The

astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

 

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she

appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self

only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman

to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an

old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but

by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

 

What would YOU do?

 

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you

scroll down below. OKAY?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice

herself.

 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the

time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own

life.

 

Now....what is the moral to this story?

 

 

Scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

[scout]

.....lol......

[jokersarewild]

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by

Arthur's youth and ideals. blah blah blah joke blah

 

 

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

 

That was pretty good.

 

Here are some good ones...

 

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

 

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

 

-------------------------

 

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

 

--------------

 

 

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

 

----------------

 

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

 

-----------------------

 

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

 

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

----------

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

 

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

 

------------------

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

[snafu]

In ancient times there was a community known as the Goodnu's. As all communities did in these times the Goodnu's lived right on the river bank for trading, transportation and sustenance. Water was almighty and worshipped as a God. One day there was a tremendous hurricane far out in the ocean. It's ferocity blew a large flock of "Foo" birds way off course sending them inland many hundreds of miles and in the vicinity of the Goodnu's community. The Goodnu people had never seen a "Foo" bird and were quite curious as to it's sudden and obviously evil presence. The "Foo" bird, as we all know, is a very ugly, evil-looking bird. This caused the Goodnu people to become very uneasy believing they did something wrong to God and that this bird should be avoided. One day a "Foo" bird flew overhead and screeched: "Foo, Foo" and shit on a Goodnu's head. The man ran screaming into the river believing the Holy powers of the river would cleanse him of this evil turd and its consequences. As soon as the man washed this unholy turd from his ear canal he suddenly keeled over and died. The Goodnu's were now convinced of the "Foo" bird's evilness. The next day a woman was outside and heard: "Foo, Foo". Before she could react the "Foo" bird dropped a bomb landing a syrupy turd across her face. Shocked and panicked she ran into the river furiously washing her face of this sloppy stew. The village watched in horror as this woman also died once cleansed of the runny turd. The very next day a village wiseman heard those famous words: "Foo, Foo". He like others had witnessed the terrible deaths of two of his villages' people in the last two days. He too was struck right in the forehead by the "Foo" birds accurately guided turd missile. His first reaction was confusion and he sprinted towards the river. However, he stopped short and thought of his obvious demise should he cleanse the turd wafer from his forehead. He did not cleanse the poo pile from his forehead and lived. So the wiseman went to the other people of the village, gathered them around and stated to them: "There is an obvious lesson here my good people. The moral of this story is: 'If the Foo shits, wear it.'".

[builder]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

 

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

 

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

 

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

 

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

 

[ImWithStupid]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

 

 

Same qustion, alternate answer...

 

A: Gay

[ImWithStupid]

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity.

 

You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

 

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you.

However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

 

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

 

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk?"

 

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something around here!"

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

 

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

 

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in

the bank."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I

only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

 

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[berniec]

Just in case you wanted to know this rather useless piece of information.

 

On The 4th of next month (May), at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be:

 

01:02:03 04/05/06

 

That won't ever happen again in our lifetime

 

You may now return to your life.

 

And some more trivia.

In a few days time the date will read 06/06/06.

How would you like that for a birthdate.

[builder]

And some more trivia.

In a few days time the date will read 06/06/06.

How would you like that for a birthdate.

 

 

I think it would be so cool. My birth number is six. My year number is nine.

 

My fave number is seven. My lucky number is eight.

 

The devil is a catholic construct, Berniec.

 

The Omen was a great movie, with an excellent soundtrack, but the devil is about as real as Kryponite Man.

 

Green and mean, but not a fighting machine.

[ImWithStupid]

I think it would be so cool.

 

The devil is a catholic construct, Berniec.

 

The Omen was a great movie, with an excellent soundtrack, but the devil is about as real as Kryponite Man.

 

Green and mean, but not a fighting machine.

 

How sure are you?

 

From the short story "The Generous Gambler" by Charles Pierre Baudelaire...

 

[builder]

How sure are you?

 

From the short story "The Generous Gambler" by Charles Pierre Baudelaire...

 

 

 

Also paraphrased in the movie "The Usual Suspects".

 

Yeah, and the devil's triangle got some great airtime for a few years too.

 

Haven't heard of that one for yonks niether.

[ImWithStupid]

Yeah, and the devil's triangle got some great airtime for a few years too.

 

Haven't heard of that one for yonks niether.

 

Touch

[manicmonday]

Damn, that picture reminded me of a bad acid trip from the 80's.

[builder]

Touch

[jokersarewild]

Yeah, we have the Devil's Marbles and the Devil's Pebbles, so I guess he used Oztriailier for a playground when he was a devillette?

 

I guess we have the devil by the Marbles/Pebbles.

[builder]

Super Market mistake

 

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde

behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

 

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although

familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

 

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of

one of my children!"

 

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

 

.

 

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"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[snafu]

guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors. The devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You have to complete 3 tasks.

 

"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.

 

"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out.

 

"Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. When you've completely satisfied her, you can leave."

 

The guy figures it's worth a shot, so he goes in the first door and manages to drink the whole jug of liquor. He goes in the second door, shuts it, and the most horrible commotion can be heard from inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he is sliced and scratched head to toe.

 

Finally he manages to say, "Ok, where's that girl with the sore tooth?"

[RoyalOrleans]

More useless information...

 

Reno, Nevada is further west than Los Angeles, California.