Search results

Don't need no stinking science, but gotta have math and reading. How else can you tell if you're getting all of your benefits in the unemployment check?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the...

A beautiful young blonde New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off...

I met a girl at the park. Sparks flew between us instantly, she fell at my feet and I made love to her. I thought to myself, "These tazer guns are really worth the money!"

Questions from a son . . . A young Arab asks his father: What is this weird hat that we are wearing? Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun! And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing? It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is...

(author unknown) I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!"Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't...

Custody Dallas, TX (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in...

Holy batshit Robin!!!!!!!!!!

What A Coincidence! A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne... The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am...

Neologisms Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled...

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added...

The Marriage Fairy A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other...

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home. I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp ****tail. Lobster. Champagne. I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like...

Yeah. Now that I've bought a house, we should go back to the way it was originally - only property owners can vote.

Thank you, everyone. <wipes tear rolling down cheek>

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work...