A Parent's Role

[TheJenn88]

In light of all this, "What if your kid came home married/pregnant/transvestite/gay/whatever" threads, I have to ask....

Is your child's life, good and bad decisions, a reflection on you as a parent? Not at all? Moderately? A lot? Completely?

Just curious as to what your thoughts are

I'll give my thoughts after a wee little bit.

 

[babiebec3]

Hmmm, good question.

I think it would be a lot. I mean, from whom do they learn their behaviors? From whom do they learn about how to handle situations? A parent is the main influence in a child's life. I know that you can't make them turn out perfect but it is a parents job to teach them right from wrong. I'm not saying that they won't make mistakes but if you've done your job as a parent, they will learn and recover from those mistakes where as if you didn't do your job, the possiblities are greater that they will drown in their mistakes.

 

[Lethalfind]

I feel that if my daughter grew up to be a serial killer, I would be at fault, yes the person makes certain decisions but I am the only parent she has, no one else has the influence over her life that I do...if she is a criminal, degenerate or whatever then who else is too blame? I am not the type to blame the music she listens to, the video games she plays or her classmates. If she is around people who are a bad influence then I as the parent have the power to stop that until she is 17-18 years old, the same with a video game I don't think she should play.

If (god willing) she grows up to be a happy, well adjusted contributing member of society, again she made certain choices but I feel the environment that I fight so hard to create for her had a big hand in it.

 

[TheJenn88]

So even when she is older, mid to late teens, and technically may "know" the difference from right and wrong, and how to make informed choices - it's partially the responsbility of the legal guardian?

I hear a lot of parents neglect to take responsibility when their teen disrespects, cheats, lies, or does something else stupid along that line. They accuse their kid of doing all sorts of wrongs and, "I never brought you up to do that," type of thing. HOWEVER, should the child somehow be at the top of their class, and a great community servant, it's all because of good parenting.

What if their teen tries and then adheres to a certain drug, be it mild or not so mild? Many parents would immediately like to reprimand their kid, some to a very extreme extent. the blame is put on their idiot offspring. Sometimes I think the parent should consider: what role did I play in having my child make this bad decision?

I think that parents should moderately accept responsiblity for both the good and bad of their child. No parents OR child is perfect, though. But I think parents who go all hard-ass on their kids might want to take a look at themselves in the mirror. Maybe their parenting is a reflection of how their kid turned out to be?

Par example: I'm not the greatest kid in the world, but I'm certainly not the worst either. Similar to that of my parents - they aren't the worst, but I've seen a lot, LOT better. Whenever I do something wrong, the blame is entirely on me simply because I have the "freedom of choice" to take any actions that I do. However, should I excel at something, the credit firstly goes to them, and then maybe to me.

In essence, I think that parents are a factor in their child's decisions no matter WHAT age they are. However, it still always (at least for me) boils down to the fact that people make choices out of free will and don't HAVE to follow the ways of their parent. I mean, the child may not be a star, but they don't have to go out and kill or steal either.

 

[Lethalfind]

So even when she is older, mid to late teens, and technically may "know" the difference from right and wrong, and how to make informed choices - it's partially the responsbility of the legal guardian?

I hear a lot of parents neglect to take responsibility when their teen disrespects, cheats, lies, or does something else stupid along that line. They accuse their kid of doing all sorts of wrongs and, "I never brought you up to do that," type of thing. HOWEVER, should the child somehow be at the top of their class, and a great community servant, it's all because of good parenting.

What if their teen tries and then adheres to a certain drug, be it mild or not so mild? Many parents would immediately like to reprimand their kid, some to a very extreme extent. the blame is put on their idiot offspring. Sometimes I think the parent should consider: what role did I play in having my child make this bad decision?

I think that parents should moderately accept responsiblity for both the good and bad of their child. No parents OR child is perfect, though. But I think parents who go all hard-ass on their kids might want to take a look at themselves in the mirror. Maybe their parenting is a reflection of how their kid turned out to be?

Par example: I'm not the greatest kid in the world, but I'm certainly not the worst either. Similar to that of my parents - they aren't the worst, but I've seen a lot, LOT better. Whenever I do something wrong, the blame is entirely on me simply because I have the "freedom of choice" to take any actions that I do. However, should I excel at something, the credit firstly goes to them, and then maybe to me.

In essence, I think that parents are a factor in their child's decisions no matter WHAT age they are. However, it still always (at least for me) boils down to the fact that people make choices out of free will and don't HAVE to follow the ways of their parent. I mean, the child may not be a star, but they don't have to go out and kill or steal either.

For me its my responsibility...even when she is a teenager, especially when she is a teenager...if she is 35 and kills her neighbor for looking at her funny, its my responsibility, at least morally...I can't point at a calus Father or anyone else, its always been just me...Its not the schools fault...if the school is bad then take the kid out of the school...if her friends are a problem, then take them out of the scenario...do you have a kid who ignores you, you made the kid so arrogant they think they can ignore their parents...the parents maybe??

 

[sixes]

In light of all this, "What if your kid came home married/pregnant/transvestite/gay/whatever" threads, I have to ask....

Is your child's life, good and bad decisions, a reflection on you as a parent? Not at all? Moderately? A lot? Completely?

Just curious as to what your thoughts are

I'll give my thoughts after a wee little bit.

My thoughts are that you are a mindless dipship who can't decide things for herself, or you just bring up really stupid topics. A 5 year old could answer this. I won't bother because someone with the IQ of a five year old already did. ****ing breeders!

Hmmm, good question.

I think it would be a lot. I mean, from whom do they learn their behaviors? From whom do they learn about how to handle situations? A parent is the main influence in a child's life. I know that you can't make them turn out perfect but it is a parents job to teach them right from wrong. I'm not saying that they won't make mistakes but if you've done your job as a parent, they will learn and recover from those mistakes where as if you didn't do your job, the possiblities are greater that they will drown in their mistakes.

^^Duh...good question!

 

[Gallytuck]

As a parent you're responsible for certain things. You're charged with giving your children tools with which they can communicate with other individuals to beget positive results. Teaching your kid manners and to understand the need for them so that they use them in a sincere manner. Teaching your kids that you're not always going to like the people you meet but in some cases you have to give in so that things can go smoothly i.e. dropping that attitude you give the boss because it's not really that bad, you're just stubborn and too proud. Teaching your children that the truth is the easiest route to go and demonstrating it to them(but sometimes that fibbing or skirting is okay).

In other words, you have to raise your child with all they need to be to become who it is they feel they are. Sometimes they don't turn out to be the people the parents expected to see but you can't throw that on the parents in a lot of cases.

There are a lot of ****-ups in the world whose parents were great. After a certain age the child becomes his or her own person. Parents can only know that they've done all they can to the best of their abilities and hopefully armed their offspring enough to make the wiser decisions in the end.

 

[TheJenn88]

My thoughts are that you are a mindless dipship who can't decide things for herself, or you just bring up really stupid topics. A 5 year old could answer this. I won't bother because someone with the IQ of a five year old already did. ****ing breeders!

Coming from you, do you really expect me or anyone else to take you seriously?

You ought to recognize that my proposed question is a matter of opinion. Some parents do think they have a responsibility for their teen's actions. Some parents think they don't at all, or at least won't admit to it. I've seen examples of both on this forum. And some people think it's a matter of both sides, to an extent.

Obviously not even your parents can be blamed for the way you turned out. Idiotic parents can't even hope turn out something like you. To put it nicely, you're quite the miracle!

 

[hugo]

A very good question:

My own immediate family is comprised of myself, my older brother and my two younger sisters, my parents are still married.

My father started out as an educator and sports director, later got his masters degree and eventually became the dean for the international school in London, tenured in Brussels, and was part of the speaking tour for higher level educators etc.. retired 2 years ago.

My mother has a Political science degree, owns her own business

 

[TheJenn88]

That may be part of the problem, Add the fact that as a teenager you spend more time out of the house running around with friends and partying and look what you get. (the fact we lived in Europe gave us all access to many, many things not available in the states) I didnt get my **** together until I was over 30, the only thing I regreat is that by the time I did get my **** together, my parents had pretty much written me off, they dont trust me or my siblings at all at this point. I stayed away and didnt communicate for all those years because I was ashamed. Now its to late to have a real relationship with my parents, I saw my mother & father for the first time in over 8 years this past July, I could feel the dread coming off them as I sat at the table, they were scared of me, I gave them my number but they have not called and I dont blame them.

I don't know what to say - it's interesting how you and your siblings turned out compared to how you were raised. I wish many good things for you

 

[Lethalfind]

Sounds like they ****in' spoiled y'all rotten. They should have had you baling hay instead of taking trips to the Alps.

Hopefully this agreeing with Hugo thing won't be too common but is it posible that what he is saying is true, you were too fortunate in your upbringing and they bailed you out too often so that your siblings had no real idea how to make it on their own?

My daughter is very fortunate (short the trips to the Alps of course) BUT I do make sure she carries her weight around the house, of course what she is expected to do around the house changes as she grows, I personally can't wait until she is old enough to mow the lawn...She does all the dishes, she cleans her room, she is learning to do the laundry, she folds her laundry, she cleans the litter pan half the time and I do it the other half. I have talked to married friends (both men and women) and Diane contributes more to the general upkeep of our household then some spouses out there.

I grew up in a wealthy family, when my Father died I had no idea how to take care of the practical things in life. He would do all my car maintenance and bring it back with a full tank, I never had to deal with the details of life...until he died suddenly...and he didn't leave me enough money to find someone else to take care of those details for me like he did. I think its a mistake when parents make life too easy for their children unless they have absolutely BUCKETS of money to leave them so it won't matter if they have a ****in clue or not, hire a trustee to have a clue for them, however very few people ever have money like that.

 

[ImWithStupid]

In light of all this, "What if your kid came home married/pregnant/transvestite/gay/whatever" threads, I have to ask....

Is your child's life, good and bad decisions, a reflection on you as a parent? Not at all? Moderately? A lot? Completely?

Just curious as to what your thoughts are

I'll give my thoughts after a wee little bit.

My personal view is that how your children turn out and the choices they make have "a lot" to do with the parents responsibility.

I believe that parents are responsible for instilling in their children a basic set of morals, values, manners and how they interact with others. I think that if you do a good job of instilling positive influence of the above factors, on their child, and continue to reinforce these factors from a young age to the teen years and even beyond, will ultimately lead a positive life.

That doesn't mean that they won't make mistakes and God knows, even though I was blessed with a mother that reinforced good morals, values, etc..., I made plenty of mistakes (drugs, drinking, partying, etc...) but it definitely helped me see what I needed to do to correct these faults as I became an adult.

You also have to take into consideration that some bad decisions by children and teens are a result of a mental illness (i.e. bi-polar, depression, or even just ADHD) and in a sense can be contributed to the parents if it's genetic. It also makes a huge difference on how the parent deals with their child's illness.

I guess what I'm saying is, you can't blame all of your faults and problems on your parents, (ultimately we are responsible for our actions) but I believe that a healthy guidance and relationship with your parents, especially at a young age will help a child make fewer bad, or less detrimental, choices in their life.

 

[Lethalfind]

I have never had what I would call a supportive relationship with my parents...I made alot of mistakes because I didn't have anyone could trust to talk to about them, in the end I made bad choices but if I had someone I could trust to stear me when I needed stearing things might have been different.

I am TRYING so hard to be the good parent but also let Diane know that she can trust me and tell me what is really going on.

For instance, I was attacked ( I guess you could call it that) by a friends Father when I was 16, I didn't trust my family enough to tell them. I was raped when I was 19, I didn't trust to them enough to tell them...When I finally decided to get married, I wanted to cancel the whole thing, they didn't listen and pushed me to go through with it, I did and we were divorced a year later. I wasn't strong enough to stand up to them and say no, there never was a real supportive relationship there. I felt like I was riding blind through life...until I got too the point where I realized I was never going to have that and I would have to deal with it on my own...

I don't want that for my daughter, I want to be there to help her, thats a very different then enabling her.

 

[Gallytuck]

(the fact we lived in Europe gave us all access to many, many things not available in the states) I didnt get my **** together until I was over 30,

The sacrifices clubbers must make.

 

[Lethalfind]

My parents never bailed me out. I left right after graduation, never been back, never asked for a dime. My child hood while fortunate and loaded with travel was also balanced with work, and discipline. the travel was a side benefit of my fathers occupation.

There is nothing listed here that sounds like anything other then