Does he have to know?

[ImWithStupid]

I'd still love to know who you're refering to.

I was kidding. Sheesh!

 

[Ahhlee]

I was kidding. Sheesh!

Just checking. I'm a lot of rotten things, but I'm no man hater.

 

[timesjoke]

As usual my possition will be mostly based on responsibility.

The act of sexual relations is in of itself an act that can have many, many things result from it and "BOTH" people involved must accept responsibility for those possible things.

A woman who would refuse to inform the other half of the situation of what has happened is purely selfish in nature. If the guy was that unsavory.....why screw him? If he was good enough to trust your life to (possible disease, guy could kill you, etc...) then he is good enough to be involved in the childs life.

The thing that seems to be implied in Ali's scenario is somehow the woman is "above" the man in some way, that the man is considered to be irrelivant to the woman, otherwise, why not tell him?

I believe the woman should be compelled to tell the man and even if he does not transform as IWS did (I also completely changed when my first child was born) then at least the child can know the truth instead of whatever lie the mother will tell for years and years to cover up the truth.

These lies would be in many cases more damaging than the truth could ever be. What do you say? Daddy died? Daddy ran off? Daddy was abusive so we ran away to be safe? Suppose you told these lies for 18 years and suddenly the child learned the truth, that daddy was just a one night stand you were ashamed of......how much would that child suddenly resent your years of lies?

Could the suddenly understood lies cause real trama?

Too much is at stake, and too much damage is done when people try to run away from their responsiblity in my humble opinion.

 

[emkay64]

She should absolutely tell him. If she's a good person in that she has a job and is moral and loving and has the means to take care of the child...then the court will never take the child away from the birth mother. Circumstances usually have to be pretty dire.

In any scenario she would have to put aside selfish reasoning and think of the well being of the child. Two loving parents is always best even apart if they can't be together.

If on the other hand the guy is abusive, violent and is a threat to the life of the mother or baby...don't tell. He has to be a real monster though...would be the only circumstance. Being an sshole sadly doesn't make him exempt from fatherhood.

Just my two cents lol.

 

[Ahhlee]

The thing that seems to be implied in Ali's scenario is somehow the woman is "above" the man in some way, that the man is considered to be irrelivant to the woman, otherwise, why not tell him?

Where and how was that implied?

Most of you are stating that it would be selfish of her not to tell him. Having spoken to her about the situation, she's actually trying to be unselfish by not informing him of the pregnancy. She feels that since they both agreed their encounter would be a casual one that she somehow reneged on the agreement by becoming pregnant. She feels terrible because they used protection and she doesn't want him to feel obligated or trapped since she feels she is capable of raising the child on her own.

I see where she's coming from, but I argued on his behalf saying that even though he may not choose to be a part of the baby's life, he still deserves to know and make that decision for himself. It's not fair for her to make it for him. Plus, it does take two to make a baby. She shouldn't feel like the bad guy in this situation.

 

[emkay64]

Where and how was that implied?

Most of you are stating that it would be selfish of her not to tell him. Having spoken to her about the situation, she's actually trying to be unselfish by not informing him of the pregnancy. She feels that since they both agreed their encounter would be a casual one that she somehow reneged on the agreement by becoming pregnant. She feels terrible because they used protection and she doesn't want him to feel obligated or trapped since she feels she is capable of raising the child on her own.

I see where she's coming from, but I argued on his behalf saying that even though he may not choose to be a part of the baby's life, he still deserves to know and make that decision for himself. It's not fair for her to make it for him. Plus, it does take two to make a baby. She shouldn't feel like the bad guy in this situation.

Awww...I don't mean she's bad at all. Just saying that she should tell him is all. She can say she has no interest in making him fulfill his daddy obligations at all...but she should give him the option is all I'm saying.

If I was going to be a parent...I'd want to know. I'd be terribly upset to find out later down the line (if I was a guy) lol.

 

[Ahhlee]

Awww...I don't mean she's bad at all. Just saying that she should tell him is all. She can say she has no interest in making him fulfill his daddy obligations at all...but she should give him the option is all I'm saying.
If I was going to be a parent...I'd want to know. I'd be terribly upset to find out later down the line (if I was a guy) lol.

I totally agree with you. I'm just presenting her reasoning for not telling.

 

[timesjoke]

Where and how was that implied?

If she believed he was as important as she is there would be no debate in her mind. It is called respect, if she respected him she would inform him of something this important. The creation of life is special and world changing.

I agree with emkay, if I have created a life, I would want to know about it, "blood is thicker than water" and all that. If she respected him, she would tell him.

Most of you are stating that it would be selfish of her not to tell him. Having spoken to her about the situation, she's actually trying to be unselfish by not informing him of the pregnancy. She feels that since they both agreed their encounter would be a casual one that she somehow reneged on the agreement by becoming pregnant. She feels terrible because they used protection and she doesn't want him to feel obligated or trapped since she feels she is capable of raising the child on her own.

Protection used or not, that does not change the reality or the responsibility involved.

It is purely selfish to keep this very important thing from the father. As I pointed out, not telling the father means a lifetime of lies, to everyone around her (friends, family, etc who ask about the father) and she will even have to lie to their child.

And you want to talk about custody? Let's say in 5 years the truth comes out, and the father is ****** and goes before a judge to get custody, emkay is right about how difficult it is to get a child away from a mother, but a Judge would be very upset at the fact the mother tried to keep the father out of the child's life, depending on the Judge she could easily lose custody based on that alone.

I see where she's coming from, but I argued on his behalf saying that even though he may not choose to be a part of the baby's life, he still deserves to know and make that decision for himself. It's not fair for her to make it for him. Plus, it does take two to make a baby. She shouldn't feel like the bad guy in this situation.

A comedian once said something like this (not exact):

Raising a child without a father is like driving your car with your feet, while it is certainly possible to do it, just being able to do it does not make it a good idea

Raising a child is a very huge responsibility, why turn away from a possible resource for her child to turn to for love, support, and advise? Both girls and boys show severe results being raised without an active father in their life even if they have a large extended family on just the mother's side.

 

[snafu]

...If the guy was that unsavory.....why screw him? If he was good enough to trust your life to (possible disease, guy could kill you, etc...) then he is good enough to be involved in the childs life.

...

I think TJ has a pretty **** good point here. If she was able to jump into bed with him what makes her better than him? She past judgment long enough to get laid didn't she?

 

[snafu]

Awww...I don't mean she's bad at all. Just saying that she should tell him is all. She can say she has no interest in making him fulfill his daddy obligations at all...but she should give him the option is all I'm saying.
If I was going to be a parent...I'd want to know. I'd be terribly upset to find out later down the line (if I was a guy) lol.

I would be beyond upset. I'd be down right ******! That irks me to know end. I think there should be a law to discern the father and she should be thrown in jail if she does not.

 

[snafu]

Having a child is the closest thing to reincarnation that we know is true. It's part of you and you should be able to help that part of you grow to be a viable part of society.

 

[Ahhlee]

A woman who would refuse to inform the other half of the situation of what has happened is purely selfish in nature. If the guy was that unsavory.....why screw him? If he was good enough to trust your life to (possible disease, guy could kill you, etc...) then he is good enough to be involved in the childs life.
The thing that seems to be implied in Ali's scenario is somehow the woman is "above" the man in some way, that the man is considered to be irrelivant to the woman, otherwise, why not tell him?

I still don't see where I said he's "unsavory". It was simply a fling between two adults that created some unexpected results.

Most of you are stating that it would be selfish of her not to tell him. Having spoken to her about the situation, she's actually trying to be unselfish by not informing him of the pregnancy. She feels that since they both agreed their encounter would be a casual one that she somehow reneged on the agreement by becoming pregnant. She feels terrible because they used protection and she doesn't want him to feel obligated or trapped since she feels she is capable of raising the child on her own.

See...it was a mutual, casual encounter.

I think TJ has a pretty **** good point here. If she was able to jump into bed with him what makes her better than him? She past judgment long enough to get laid didn't she?

She doesn't think she's better than him. Those are TJ's words. She's trying to look out for his best interest, but going about it the wrong way.

I hope she does let him know.

 

[snafu]

...See...it was a mutual, casual encounter.

She doesn't think she's better than him. Those are TJ's words. She's trying to look out for his best interest, but going about it the wrong way.

...

No the question was "does he have to know". Well if she's even contemplating not telling him she obviously thinks she's a better person or parent.

 

[snafu]

For such a hypothetical situation you sure are adding extra "what ifs"

 

[timesjoke]

See...it was a mutual, casual encounter.

Casual *** is anything but once the act creates a life Ali.

She doesn't think she's better than him. Those are TJ's words. She's trying to look out for his best interest, but going about it the wrong way.

I call bullsh!t.

She is only thinking of herself when she should be thinking of her child if nothing else.

She has a responsibility to tell the father and to offer her child the best future possible.....and the best future will include a father in the child's life. Good or bad father, being raised without even knowing they have a father is very, very bad for a child.

 

[ImWithStupid]

I call bullsh!t.

She is only thinking of herself when she should be thinking of her child if nothing else.

She has a responsibility to tell the father and to offer her child the best future possible.....and the best future will include a father in the child's life. Good or bad father, being raised without even knowing they have a father is very, very bad for a child.

Sorry TJ, things aren't always black and white. I can see where a woman may think, in her mind, that she is doing what's best for a guy by not telling him, because she is THINKING that she doesn't want him to feel obligated.

I think Ali did the right thing by playing devil's advocate and projected the alternate view of the father.

I swear, I'm the only one lately that is looking at posts from an objective, unbiased view.

Christ! Get over yourselves (notice I said "selves" so TJ doesn't go off on a "he hates me and is attacking me tirade")

It's almost everyone. Take a friggin' step back at posts and really read them, please.

I don't know if it's a moon cycle or what, but I see this on the forum of the local paper too. (and no, I'm not a mod nor have I interjected, but just a casual observer there)

 

[Ahhlee]

For such a hypothetical situation you sure are adding extra "what ifs"

Well...that is kind of the point of playing with hypothetical scenarios...lol! Oh snaf, you're so darn cute!

Sorry TJ, things aren't always black and white. I can see where a woman may think, in her mind, that she is doing what's best for a guy by not telling him, because she is THINKING that she doesn't want him to feel obligated.
I think Ali did the right thing by playing devil's advocate and projected the alternate view of the father.

THANK YOU!

I swear, I'm the only one lately that is looking at posts from an objective, unbiased view.
Christ! Get over yourselves (notice I said "selves" so TJ doesn't go off on a "he hates me and is attacking me tirade")

It's almost everyone. Take a friggin' step back at posts and really read them, please.

I don't know if it's a moon cycle or what, but I see this on the forum of the local paper too. (and no, I'm not a mod nor have I interjected, but just a casual observer there)

Could be the moon. Or people getting defensive over unnecessary labels. Ehh...probably the moon.

No, wait. It's Obama's fault. Definitely Obama....and e. coli.

 

[timesjoke]

Sorry TJ, things aren't always black and white. I can see where a woman may think, in her mind, that she is doing what's best for a guy by not telling him, because she is THINKING that she doesn't want him to feel obligated.

Notice the "in her mind" as well as the many she, she, she, she's?

Selfishness.

The way she twists the event inside her own mind is irrelivant.

Casual *** ends where a child is produced, it is no longer casual and no longer only her decision. It takes two to tango my friend and there is no way her keeping this secrete has anything to do with anyone but herself. All of this woman's claims about trying to do what is best for the man is a lie, plain and simple.

Here is the real deal:

She was having casual and meaningless *** with this guy because he is not someone she sees as an equal or desirable person in her life. If she tells him and her family about the child being his there will social pressures to "get married" to a guy she does not respect or like in that way....

Telling him would complicate her life and that is why she does not want to tell him, selfishness. She does not want anything to do with the guy and a child will mess that up. Imagine the child going back and forth for visits and such disrupting her life......there is her issue with telling him.

He was no more than a booty call to her so obviously his feelings are not her first concern in life.

Besides. let's entertain for a momant that as a parent this woman "should" be considering what is best for the child, not herself. Again no matter what way you look at this situation her keeping it away from the father is for "HER", not him, So selfish.

Lastly why is it even you IWS ignore the part where the woman will be living a constant stream of lies.....even to her own child? What about that? What about how all children raised without a father are more likely to get into criminal trouble, have difficulties in school, girls commit suicide 5 times more often without a father, girls also get pregnant as teens without a father more often and as an interesting addition, girls of women who have children out of wedlock are ten times more likely to become a mother as a teenager as well.

What about the harm this woman will be doing to her child with this conceilment?

I am looking at the entire situation, not any one part. Taken as a total, I see selfishness, nothing more.........oh, well something more, harm to the child.

 

[emkay64]

notice the "in her mind" as well as the many she, she, she, she's?
Selfishness.

The way she twists the event inside her own mind is irrelivant.

Casual *** ends where a child is produced, it is no longer casual and no longer only her decision. It takes two to tango my friend and there is no way her keeping this secrete has anything to do with anyone but herself. All of this woman's claims about trying to do what is best for the man is a lie, plain and simple.

Here is the real deal:

She was having casual and meaningless *** with this guy because he is not someone she sees as an equal or desirable person in her life. If she tells him and her family about the child being his there will social pressures to "get married" to a guy she does not respect or like in that way....

Telling him would complicate her life and that is why she does not want to tell him, selfishness. She does not want anything to do with the guy and a child will mess that up. Imagine the child going back and forth for visits and such disrupting her life......there is her issue with telling him.

He was no more than a booty call to her so obviously his feelings are not her first concern in life.

Besides. Let's entertain for a momant that as a parent this woman "should" be considering what is best for the child, not herself. Again no matter what way you look at this situation her keeping it away from the father is for "her", not him, so selfish.

Lastly why is it even you iws ignore the part where the woman will be living a constant stream of lies.....even to her own child? What about that? What about how all children raised without a father are more likely to get into criminal trouble, have difficulties in school, girls commit suicide 5 times more often without a father, girls also get pregnant as teens without a father more often and as an interesting addition, girls of women who have children out of wedlock are ten times more likely to become a mother as a teenager as well.

What about the harm this woman will be doing to her child with this conceilment?

I am looking at the entire situation, not any one part. Taken as a total, i see selfishness, nothing more.........oh, well something more, harm to the child.

holy doodlebugs!!