Fribby's verbal gallery 2.0
- Thread starter Friðbjörn
- Start date
MrsBennington-Delson
New member
sad but wonderful!! I like it a lot :thumbsup:
Holy War
New member
I used dates for the pieces because most of them don't have a title, and it was easier to follow which one I was reading with the dates.
1-26-07: Not a bad flow, pretty nice piece overall except for the dashes in-between words. I know what your trying to convey with them, but if it isn't spoken they're uneccassary it also makes the writing look disorganized. Now if they were used at the end of each line it wouldn't look that bad but as they are now it makes the read difficult.
1-26-07: This one really was hard for me to read, first of all a verse doesn't need to be labeled in most cases it's assumed the longer part of a piece is a verse and the shorter a chorus. You also have a chorus which in lyrics would be a break not a chorus unless it's repeated. It also has a tint of maturity in it but it's combined with a lot of childish lines which draws from the impact that it could hold, aside from that it doesn't seem to have a distinct beginning or end (EG; why? how?; what happened? when?).
--It's hard with how this is written to decipher whether the last two sections are a seperate piece or not so I will not comment on those.
1-28-07: I'm confused...is this part of a battle rap? Either way you seem to take a lot of other musicians pieces and put them in your own (names of songs) which lacks originality if used too much, and in this one it is used too much. Find a niche something that you are passionate about rather than trying to rap on some other rapper, your really good with flows but you lack a direction to take it.
1-29-07: Pretty innocent piece, kind of a rough start (no explanation of a prison) but otherwise pretty good. The prison part kind of cut off the innocent thoughts which made it difficult to follow after introducing it.
2-22-07: Pretty good here, personally I think it could have done without the "*******" (it draws from the seriousness that is being conveyed throughout the piece). I also notice that your writing is spaced unevenly, one to two spaces between a line is all that is needed but it needs to follow that way through the entire piece instead of going one space three times and then double spacing the lines.
2-23-07: First, "restrictments" is "restrictions". Now this piece had something in the beginning which it lost in the end, this one seemed to jump off-topic at the last two stanza's, which to me means you more than likely wrote it in "spur of the moment" fashion. Remember write about something your passionate about that way your piece won't go off track.
3-4-07: Again the piece lacks a start or an explanation of the ending, unfourtanetly we all don't know what it's about and because of that it needs a more distinct start and close.
3-17-07: Had a strong start, looked very promising up until the end "often I suffer disadvantage", what disadvantage and why do you suffer from it, the snow, march? Other than that this was a very well written piece, in my opinion if a little clarity was added to it then it would make it the best out of all of them.
1-26-07: Not a bad flow, pretty nice piece overall except for the dashes in-between words. I know what your trying to convey with them, but if it isn't spoken they're uneccassary it also makes the writing look disorganized. Now if they were used at the end of each line it wouldn't look that bad but as they are now it makes the read difficult.
1-26-07: This one really was hard for me to read, first of all a verse doesn't need to be labeled in most cases it's assumed the longer part of a piece is a verse and the shorter a chorus. You also have a chorus which in lyrics would be a break not a chorus unless it's repeated. It also has a tint of maturity in it but it's combined with a lot of childish lines which draws from the impact that it could hold, aside from that it doesn't seem to have a distinct beginning or end (EG; why? how?; what happened? when?).
--It's hard with how this is written to decipher whether the last two sections are a seperate piece or not so I will not comment on those.
1-28-07: I'm confused...is this part of a battle rap? Either way you seem to take a lot of other musicians pieces and put them in your own (names of songs) which lacks originality if used too much, and in this one it is used too much. Find a niche something that you are passionate about rather than trying to rap on some other rapper, your really good with flows but you lack a direction to take it.
1-29-07: Pretty innocent piece, kind of a rough start (no explanation of a prison) but otherwise pretty good. The prison part kind of cut off the innocent thoughts which made it difficult to follow after introducing it.
2-22-07: Pretty good here, personally I think it could have done without the "*******" (it draws from the seriousness that is being conveyed throughout the piece). I also notice that your writing is spaced unevenly, one to two spaces between a line is all that is needed but it needs to follow that way through the entire piece instead of going one space three times and then double spacing the lines.
2-23-07: First, "restrictments" is "restrictions". Now this piece had something in the beginning which it lost in the end, this one seemed to jump off-topic at the last two stanza's, which to me means you more than likely wrote it in "spur of the moment" fashion. Remember write about something your passionate about that way your piece won't go off track.
3-4-07: Again the piece lacks a start or an explanation of the ending, unfourtanetly we all don't know what it's about and because of that it needs a more distinct start and close.
3-17-07: Had a strong start, looked very promising up until the end "often I suffer disadvantage", what disadvantage and why do you suffer from it, the snow, march? Other than that this was a very well written piece, in my opinion if a little clarity was added to it then it would make it the best out of all of them.
Friðbjörn
New member
interesting comments, thanks for taking the time.
about those language mistakes...English is my 2nd language, so personally writing poems in the language is an accomplishment. but yeah of course I'd like to reduce mistakes as possible...
and about the stanza/verse/chorus things...
if I stick to a defined form, I stick to that. if sway from the format, I sway from it. it's not uncommon for me to write 3 lines here, 7 lines after that, and then just whatever. you get the picture. I don't split it into specific choruses or verses. it's more of a prose than poem then, I guess.
I don't do in english what I otherwise do, which is have rhyme-patterns, alliteration, strict division into verses, etc.
about those language mistakes...English is my 2nd language, so personally writing poems in the language is an accomplishment. but yeah of course I'd like to reduce mistakes as possible...
and about the stanza/verse/chorus things...
if I stick to a defined form, I stick to that. if sway from the format, I sway from it. it's not uncommon for me to write 3 lines here, 7 lines after that, and then just whatever. you get the picture. I don't split it into specific choruses or verses. it's more of a prose than poem then, I guess.
I don't do in english what I otherwise do, which is have rhyme-patterns, alliteration, strict division into verses, etc.
Holy War
New member
I understand that english is not your first language that is why I tried to steer clear of making my critique too much about the language issue. The stanza/verse/chorus thing was really about spacing, as in you have one section spaced from another section only once then the last section is spaced twice which makes it hard to determine if it apart of the original piece or a seperate piece itself, and a chorus is a central line in a lyric usually repeated twice or more the prose as you call it was written moreso in a way Tool writes their lyrics with repeated breaks and usually one central line used repeatedly to introduce the break. I've been writing lyrics for about 10 years and still don't know everything about them, that's why if you give it time you will learn them and become a rather good lyricist...it's all about learning and so far your on the right path :thumbsup:
Friðbjörn
New member
ahh you mean that
I tend to just go "bleh" and press Enter a random number of times between stanzas...or, I actually don't divide them into stanzas that much, I just keep together what I feel connects more, I hope you get what I mean.
I don't have any choruses in poems though.
again, thanks. always nice to discuss like this