Helplessness

[snafu]

Some of you know about my daughter and her boyfriend. They have a very abusive relationship. Between the two of them they?ve been to jail about 5 times. They cops have been to their apartment about 15 times. They almost took the granddaughter away the last time but couldn?t prove she was in the room. The one time she was my daughter was charged with second degree assault and child endangerment. Both charges were dropped. Every time they get into it we would let her come back to stay with us. My wife would put on stipulations like not drinking, drugs and clean up after herself. My wife would help my daughter get set up with subsistence, job and a place but just before it would come together the kids would get back together. This last time we let her stay in her car. You know the tuff love. Her car gets a flat and her boyfriend?s tags expire. They can?t spend the money on fixing these problems but instead go out and by dope and booze. To top it off the kids decide to give custody to his parents. Fine better there then with them but now they want to put restrictions on our time with the baby. Mostly because of this tuff love we tried. Know my daughter gets a part time job but can?t drive around with a doughnut on her car and wants to borrow my truck. I wanted to let her just so we could kiss their ***** and have more time with the baby. I don?t know what to do. I?m so tired of all this but I love my granddaughter to death. She?s grandpa?s everything. My wife thinks I'm giving in but the kids hate her for this tuff love she imposses on them. My daughters boy friend has left rude text on my wifes phone and called her a ***** at one time. I did nothing. So I called them last night and threatend the ******** life. I told him I will hunt him down and him up!

 

[snafu]

They hate my wife and my wife thinks I'm on their side. I hate the helplessness feeling. I need control! One big plus my wife came home early from work knowing I was very upset and we even started to mend our relationship.

 

[timesjoke]

Snaf.......no!!!

Don't go there, your Granddaughter needs you and there is nothing you will ever be able to do to make this better with letting them get under your skin.

As much as I hate children's services in general, this is the kind of thing they "can" help deal with if they do their jobs.

Your daughter is using your granddaughter and the love you feel for her against you like a weapon snaf, no matter how much you love your Granddaughter, if you give in now that will simply tell your daughter that she should do this every time she wants something from you.

My advise, step back away from it for awile, as much as it hurts and upsets you picking at that sore tooth will most likely make everything much, much worse.

 

[emkay64]

Some of you know about my daughter and her boyfriend. They have a very abusive relationship. Between the two of them they?ve been to jail about 5 times. They cops have been to their apartment about 15 times. They almost took the granddaughter away the last time but couldn?t prove she was in the room. The one time she was my daughter was charged with second degree assault and child endangerment. Both charges were dropped. Every time they get into it we would let her come back to stay with us. My wife would put on stipulations like not drinking, drugs and clean up after herself. My wife would help my daughter get set up with subsistence, job and a place but just before it would come together the kids would get back together. This last time we let her stay in her car. You know the tuff love. Her car gets a flat and her boyfriend?s tags expire. They can?t spend the money on fixing these problems but instead go out and by dope and booze. To top it off the kids decide to give custody to his parents. Fine better there then with them but now they want to put restrictions on our time with the baby. Mostly because of this tuff love we tried. Know my daughter gets a part time job but can?t drive around with a doughnut on her car and wants to borrow my truck. I wanted to let her just so we could kiss their ***** and have more time with the baby. I don?t know what to do. I?m so tired of all this but I love my granddaughter to death. She?s grandpa?s everything. My wife thinks I'm giving in but the kids hate her for this tuff love she imposses on them. My daughters boy friend has left rude text on my wifes phone and called her a ***** at one time. I did nothing. So I called them last night and threatend the ******** life. I told him I will hunt him down and him up!

Get a lawyer. Call child protective services. Plain and simple. Go figure out what needs to be done to get the grandchild out of that home permanently. As for your daughter...cut her loose. It sounds uncaring and cold, but she hasn't hit rock bottom yet...and that means her rock bottom...not yours. Only when she's ready can she change her situation. The child needs your help. I'd sacrifice time with the baby to get her in a wonderful home even if it couldn't be mine.

You are a great grampa...but don't blow chances you may have by responding to your daughter or her husbands ****. Bottom line is that a leech will always need you. If you keep giving her things she'll keep coming back.

No Car--Too Bad!

No Money--Too Bad!

No drugs or Booze--Too Bad!

...and no more getting her help...she doesn't use it or appreciate it. She needs to seek it out herself. There isn't much that can be done for an adult that thinks they don't have a problem.

I'm willing to bet that with your daughters past history, temporary custody shouldn't be too difficult to get.

 

[emkay64]

Grand Parents Rights Organization

Google grandparents rights. There has to be some legal recourse in the best interest of the child. I guess if legal isn't possible...offer money for legal guardianship. Sounds sickening, but I bet she'd take it.

 

[snafu]

We did call social services this last time. I don?t know if the kids know it was us but that?s just more animosity against us for doing that. We requested that we have custody in the event the state tries to take her. I have checked into Grandparent rights about a year ago. I think I?ll do that again but my brother went through something like this. He had two lawyers and he still didn?t get far.

 

[emkay64]

It would be a fight to be sure. I think I may just say..."I'm not giving you anything else, and my home and money will not be available to you anymore. I will seek legal visitation or custody for my grand baby"....and leave it at that.

Go armed to the lawyer, with arrest records, drug charges, etc. etc. and see what needs to be done. I see no other option. Your daughter is lost, until she wants help for herself. Kinda helpless yes, but you can't be a doormat and continue to watch abuse unfold for fear of not seeing your grand-baby. I think some action needs to be taken. Frankly....who cares if they (daughter and hubby) are ****** off at you at this point?

Oh...and Snaf...you and your wife need to come to a mutual agreement on how you will address your daughter and all her requests. Both of you have to be united, or your daughter and husband will play you off each other and kill your relationship too. You have to be unified absolutely.

 

[eddo]

You cannot let the animosity run the relationship, Snaf. I know you love your daughter, but until she wants to get help- she ain't gonna do it.

TJ and Emkay gave some great advice. Do not beat yourself up over this buddy. It's hard as **** (I have a friend here at work that is going through pretty much the same things with her daughter and her b/f)

It's hard, but they have to live their own lives- even if the way they are living it isn't good for them.

 

[snafu]

We had a good alliance with his parents but now that they supposedly have custody for the next year they want to not have the baby ?bounced around?. Kandyce is used to bouncing back in forth with the grandparents. It?s killing my wife and she wants 50% custody. I called the other grandfather and told him I would never keep her away from them if the situation was the other way around. He agreed and said we will sit back and talk. 15 minutes later my wife gets another rude message from the boyfriend to never contact his parents again. That?s when I went off and threaten to hunt him down.

 

[emkay64]

We had a good alliance with his parents but now that they supposedly have custody for the next year they want to not have the baby “bounced around”. Kandyce is used to bouncing back in forth with the grandparents. It’s killing my wife and she wants 50% custody. I called the other grandfather and told him I would never keep her away from them if the situation was the other way around. He agreed and said we will sit back and talk. 15 minutes later my wife gets another rude message from the boyfriend to never contact his parents again. That’s when I went off and threaten to hunt him down.

Keep your conversations between the grandparents. Seriously Snaf...getting all hot headed won't help you at all. The husbands grandparents sound reasonable...see if you guys can make this work. If not...legal recourse is needed. Don't respond to abusive texts or calls, but keep them and record them in case you need them. Threats etc...are all good material for your case. Just don't respond. I think you can also have certain numbers blocked. That may be a good idea too.

 

[snafu]

I'm just beyond upset and my head is killing me.

 

[emkay64]

I know...but you need to be strong, and you are

It sounds like the grandparents are good people. Sounds like she's in a good place. My advice....cut off your daughter and husband and take what the grandparents are offering. They'll get tired of the kids **** eventually too. However, i think you guys will be able to sort something out. Just cut off communication with the leeches, or agree on a game plan with your wife. Things will be okay Snaf...they just look bad right now.

 

[Ahhlee]

First of all, I am so sorry, snaf. This must be so hard!

Second, emkay is giving you some excellent advice and I agree with every word she's said. If you can follow that, I'm sure things wil turn out favorably for you. As long as your grand daughter is in a safe place right now, you have time to get things lined up to make sure she stays protected and still gets to be a part of your life.

Third, I know how heartbreaking it is to watch a loved one succumb to drugs. It hurts so much to watch them destroy themselves and try to destroy you along with them. Unfortunately, you are no longer dealing with your daughter as you knew her, you are dealing with the drugs and you have to distance yourself completely from her until she decides to come clean. I know you KNOW what to do, but having to actually stand your ground and do it is so, so hard.

I will keep all of you in my prayers, Snaf. hugs

 

[snafu]

I know...but you need to be strong, and you are
It sounds like the grandparents are good people. Sounds like she's in a good place. My advice....cut off your daughter and husband and take what the grandparents are offering. They'll get tired of the kids **** eventually too. However, i think you guys will be able to sort something out. Just cut off communication with the leeches, or agree on a game plan with your wife. Things will be okay Snaf...they just look bad right now.

Yeah your right. The other grandparents are good people thank ***. I think it got to jelousy point between the other grandma and my wife. I told her we have to live with these people for at least the next 13 years (kandyce is 5) so we can't have this jelousy **** and do what's right for Kandyce. The other gandma doesn't work so she can do more to help.

breath just breath.....

 

[emkay64]

Yeah your right. The other grandparents are good people thank ***. I think it got to jelousy point between the other grandma and my wife. I told her we have to live with these people for at least the next 13 years (kandyce is 5) so we can't have this jelousy **** and do what's right for Kandyce. The other gandma doesn't work so she can do more to help.
breath just breath.....

Well good then! The grandparents will come around. I'm sure they can see you guys are good for her too. Wait a bit, and then you guys can sort it out a little. Just be clear you are available WHENEVER and would love to be a part of regular time spent with her. Poor thing has been through too much. Let her settle a little. She knows you love her

As for your daughter...sit down with your wife and agree on a way to proceed, but the two of you have to be on the same page. This drama is hurting your relationship too....and that can't happen.

 

[snafu]

I wanna thank you all for letting me vent. You saved me some theropy money and or a trip to jail by putting the hurts on someone.

 

[snafu]

I have to accept the fact that there are things in life that you just don't have any control over.

 

[Chi]

I just got back from lunch not too long ago, but it seems you've already been given a lot of good advice and the ability to vent and let some steam & frustration out. Sorry, you've been put into such a sucky situation. Your daughter and son-in-law need a serious kick in the pants and to start putting their kid first. Would they at all be willing to attend NA or another rehab type program?

 

[timesjoke]

Keep your conversations between the grandparents. Seriously Snaf...getting all hot headed won't help you at all. The husbands grandparents sound reasonable...see if you guys can make this work. If not...legal recourse is needed. Don't respond to abusive texts or calls, but keep them and record them in case you need them. Threats etc...are all good material for your case. Just don't respond. I think you can also have certain numbers blocked. That may be a good idea too.

I would just like to add that you also do not want to do or say anything that can come back to hurt you either.

For example don't text back, don't leave voice mail messages, don't say things where other people can testify to what you said that is any way negative. Positive sure, but as an example if you were to text them and say your on your way to hurt him that would not be very good for you, even if you never do it that can be very damaging.

emkay is giving you some solid advise, especially with your situation with the wife, you guys can't let them tear you two apart, you have to preserve your own sanity so you can face this situation in a calm and smart way.

Remember, your primary concern should be to be sure Kandyce is safe, it sounds like that is already in place but you can't keep your eye on things and take action to help in the future if your in trouble with the law yourself.

Besides, piece of garbage or not, he is still her daddy and how will Kandyce feel if her Grandpaw hurt her daddy? That certainly would not help things.

Stay strong my friend, that too can help Kandyce, so it is a win/win