Helplessness

[atlantic]

[quote=timesjoke;107632

Besides, piece of garbage or not, he is still her daddy and how will Kandyce feel if her Grandpaw hurt her daddy? That certainly would not help things.

This is so true. My son's paternal grandmother once told his father that she never wanted to talk to him again. He was crying about it and my son overheard him. My son was so angry at her; he didn't talk to her for over a year. I had to keep talking about all the good things she had done and explain that she shouldn't have done that but that she did love him before he would speak to her again.

 

[mercury]

I don't have anything to add, except that you're all in my thought, snaf.

I know that kind of situation all too well, unfortunately... I've seen how it all turns out when someone thinks it best to cave into an addicts demands and it's not pleasant for anyone.

 

[snafu]

.
For example don't text back, don't leave voice mail messages, don't say things where other people can testify to what you said that is any way negative. Positive sure, but as an example if you were to text them and say your on your way to hurt him that would not be very good for you, even if you never do it that can be very damaging.

emkay is giving you some solid advise, especially with your situation with the wife, you guys can't let them tear you two apart, you have to preserve your own sanity so you can face this situation in a calm and smart way.

Remember, your primary concern should be to be sure Kandyce is safe, it sounds like that is already in place but you can't keep your eye on things and take action to help in the future if your in trouble with the law yourself.

Besides, piece of garbage or not, he is still her daddy and how will Kandyce feel if her Grandpaw hurt her daddy? That certainly would not help things.

Stay strong my friend, that too can help Kandyce, so it is a win/win

To late. I said some pretty mean things on the phone to my daughter last night. I told her I was gonna hunt her boy friend down and break his legs. She was very upset and freaked out. She's never heard me that ****** before.

Well I just got a text from her and she's gonna come by tonight to talk. She feels bad. I'm gonna drive her around to get her job requirements done too. I think I'll even get her tire fixed if it doesn't **** of my wife. I'll make sure she pays us back.

Who knows maybe this is what took. For me to explode.

 

[snafu]

I guess it's not all his fault. He calls the cops, they get restaining orders out and then they get back togheter. Both of them are simply crazy!

 

[Chi]

To late. I said some pretty mean things on the phone to my daughter last night. I told her I was gonna hunt her boy friend down and break his legs. She was very upset and freaked out. She's never heard me that ****** before.
Well I just got a text from her and she's gonna come by tonight to talk. She feels bad. I'm gonna drive her around to get her job requirements done too. I think I'll even get her tire fixed if it doesn't **** of my wife. I'll make sure she pays us back.

Who knows maybe this is what took. For me to explode.

She should feel bad. Her and her boyfriend are causing all of this trouble for everyone. You sure you should be doing all of this for her? And so easily and so soon? I know she's your daughter and all, but she's an adult. Let her act like one for once. Gotta say, I agree with your wife on this.... Sorry.

 

[timesjoke]

She should feel bad. Her and her boyfriend are causing all of this trouble for everyone. You sure you should be doing all of this for her? And so easily and so soon? I know she's your daughter and all, but she's an adult. Let her act like one for once. Gotta say, I agree with your wife on this.... Sorry.

I think I have to agree, distance right now might be the best idea but you also have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best. I hate to tell you to not help her and upset you more but I guess I would hate for this to just be more manipulation being cast on you, back to back after all this mess.

I cannot speak in specifics but in general drug addicts become master manipulators to feed their habits, nobody is safe from their tricks because the drug rules their life.

 

[snafu]

She should feel bad. Her and her boyfriend are causing all of this trouble for everyone. You sure you should be doing all of this for her? And so easily and so soon? I know she's your daughter and all, but she's an adult. Let her act like one for once. Gotta say, I agree with your wife on this.... Sorry.

I think I have to agree, distance right now might be the best idea but you also have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best. I hate to tell you to not help her and upset you more but I guess I would hate for this to just be more manipulation being cast on you, back to back after all this mess.

I cannot speak in specifics but in general drug addicts become master manipulators to feed their habits, nobody is safe from their tricks because the drug rules their life.

Yeah well we will see. I won't let this interfer with my relationship again. I told my wife I'm behind what ever she wants on this. She cringed when I told my daughter to get away from her boyfriend and we will let her stay with us once again. I told she would be able to come and go as she pleased but no drugs or drinking in the house. She also has to clean up after herself too. We shall see how long this lasts. All she needs to do is get her life straightend out and I can't see her doing that with him or living in her car.

 

[Chi]

And not to be mean or talk trash, Snaf, but continuing to always help her and do stuff for her is not going to instill responsibility or motivation for her to start doing stuff for herself and her daughter. It will only reinforce her notion that she will always have daddy to bail her out no matter what shenanigans she does and gets herself into.

^^wrote this before I saw your last comment, so this may or may not still apply

 

[snafu]

I just remember how my dad was always there for me. No matter what kind of **** I pulled. he was and is my rock. I would've told him about this stuff be he's getting to old now and I don't want to burden him with it.

 

[mercury]

I'm willing to bet that you learned from your mistakes and didn't go around repeating them.... ummm.... repeatedly. That doesn't seem to be the case with your daughter.

Has she ever been through rehab or any outpatient treatment? Sounds like she could use some for her substance abuse and her domestic issues.

Remember, snaf, there's a big difference betwen helping someone and enabling them to continue taking advantage of you. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them figure out how to help themselves.

 

[wez]

Well.. you already got all the good advice you need snafola.. so I'll just say.. hang in there bud.. everything will be ok..

 

[snafu]

I'm willing to bet that you learned from your mistakes and didn't go around repeating them.... ummm.... repeatedly. That doesn't seem to be the case with your daughter.
Has she ever been through rehab or any outpatient treatment? Sounds like she could use some for her substance abuse and her domestic issues.

Remember, snaf, there's a big difference betwen helping someone and enabling them to continue taking advantage of you. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them figure out how to help themselves.

Yeah she's been through a rehab. She's also supposed to be taking anger managment classes but we just got a letter in the mail the other day. I think she's blown them off. That's what my wife says. If I'm to help her buy a new tire she will go a blow her money on dope probably. I just want her in a safe car. She's had bad breaks on the car since she's gotten it but her boyfriend won't fix them.

 

[emkay64]

awww Snaf. I hate to lay **** on ya, but she's got you bent over again. I'd love to believe that this will be the time that things turn around, but it isn't likely I've just seen this soooo many times. The honeymoon period after the blow up, when everything is going to getter....it never does...it's too soon. If all her money goes for dope, she shouldn't be driving! Ya know...I think...nevermind.....

I wish you and your family the best. I hope things turn out this time.

 

[Ahhlee]

Oooh...I'm going to have to agree with everyone else on this. And as long as she maintains ANY ties with her husband, she'll never get clean.

Good luck to you, snaf.

 

[snafu]

Oooh...I'm going to have to agree with everyone else on this. And as long as she maintains ANY ties with her husband, she'll never get clean.
Good luck to you, snaf.

They're not married but yet the saga continues. I fixed my daughters tire and helped her with gas. Maybe that will help because the other grandmother called and pretty much gave me the riot act for calling her husband last night. I just wanted to touch bases and get on the same page. They got in their heads that I was talking about getting an attorney against them. I was saying we should band together with an attorney against the kids not against them. Holy ****! It's just getting worse. I now think I might just do that and get a lawyer for my wife and I. If the kids gave custody to them and they are going to monitor our time then I will fight them too. I think if they were given custody then we as the other grandparents have equal rights. I hate for this to come down to a big fight but truthfully I got more money then they do. I will fight!!

 

[timesjoke]

They're not married but yet the saga continues. I fixed my daughters tire and helped her with gas. Maybe that will help because the other grandmother called and pretty much gave me the riot act for calling her husband last night. I just wanted to touch bases and get on the same page. They got in their heads that I was talking about getting an attorney against them. I was saying we should band together with an attorney against the kids not against them. Holy ****! It's just getting worse. I now think I might just do that and get a lawyer for my wife and I. If the kids gave custody to them and they are going to monitor our time then I will fight them too. I think if they were given custody then we as the other grandparents have equal rights. I hate for this to come down to a big fight but truthfully I got more money then they do. I will fight!!

Wow.

I only know how I felt as a father who after my ex took off, she refused me any visitation with my kids, they were my children but the law says that it was legal for her to insist on a court ordered visitation schedule before releasing them into my care..........so being a father meant I had no legal right to see my own children without a court order, I cannot tell you how upset I was with that revelation.

An "emergency" visitation hearing took months and I was not even allowed to call my children, so I can identify with your frustration to have a deep and strong bond for your Granddaughter and how it feels to have someone else tell you that you have no right to even see them.

My mind was filled with all sorts of negative things to say the least.

At this point I would definately get the lawyer and get as much information as possible about the way they gave away custody to the guy's parents. If just him or if both of them signed away their rights. Is he "really" the father? Was there ever a test? In some States this can be a powerful tool, in others like Florida not as much.

This is not the time to get a basic lawyer, ask around and get yourself a real shark of the family law circles, that does not mean you have to let him completely off the chain right away, but he will have the right knowledge and attitude to do what is needed should these things get even more ugly.

The average lawyer, no matter how accomplished in other areas of law, they are just about useless in family law because they are not ready to deal with the raw emotional element the more crazy cases bring to the table so they try to make fast deals and compromise in horrible ways that are not the best solutions because they hate to deal with a long drawn out mess that is possible with family law.

 

[snafu]

Wow.
I only know how I felt as a father who after my ex took off, she refused me any visitation with my kids, they were my children but the law says that it was legal for her to insist on a court ordered visitation schedule before releasing them into my care..........so being a father meant I had no legal right to see my own children without a court order, I cannot tell you how upset I was with that revelation.

An "emergency" visitation hearing took months and I was not even allowed to call my children, so I can identify with your frustration to have a deep and strong bond for your Granddaughter and how it feels to have someone else tell you that you have no right to even see them.

My mind was filled with all sorts of negative things to say the least.

At this point I would definitely get the lawyer and get as much information as possible about the way they gave away custody to the guy's parents. If just him or if both of them signed away their rights. Is he "really" the father? Was there ever a test? In some States this can be a powerful tool, in others like Florida not as much.

This is not the time to get a basic lawyer, ask around and get yourself a real shark of the family law circles, that does not mean you have to let him completely off the chain right away, but he will have the right knowledge and attitude to do what is needed should these things get even more ugly.

The average lawyer, no matter how accomplished in other areas of law, they are just about useless in family law because they are not ready to deal with the raw emotional element the more crazy cases bring to the table so they try to make fast deals and compromise in horrible ways that are not the best solutions because they hate to deal with a long drawn out mess that is possible with family law.

Yeah TJ my wife has inquired with some lawyers and they tell her we don't have much to stand on. That of course was before they gave custody away. I'm not sure if it's written consent to custody or verbal but I know we must have rights. He's the father no question and my daughter even gave Kandyce his last name even though they aren't married. Maybe that's my fault because I've never legally adopted my daughter otherwise she would have my last name so she still has her biological fathers last name. I kick myself in the *** to this day for not doing that.

I went through this with my other two daughters with my first wife. She gave custody to her parents claiming she had no knowledge of my where abouts. This was totally boggas because she lived right behind my parents house which they live there today. My mail was going to my parents house at the time. I had two lawyers, one in Alaska and one in Virgina. The judge said I could press criminal charges on my ex for abandonment and false information about me but that would have no effect on the custody hearings. I could not say anything bad about her parents and so the court decided not to take the kids out of a good environment so I lost them. Only to get them one month out of the year.

My oldest got to come up this summer and we had a long talk about that. We both had remorse of the outcome but I love her and her sister (the other one in VA) just the same.

 

[timesjoke]

Man, you have had way more than your fair share of pain in the family department Snaf, *** bless you my friend, you are truly close to being a saint to endure all this in your life without exploding, my hat is off to you completely, your a stronger man that I think I would be under the same set of circumstances, maybe not, I like to think one of my strengths are to be able to rise to any challenge and care a big load but things like this are like wild cards that toss out normal survival and skills.

I really do think you need the family law shark, don't waste time with general guys, if you don't know any lawyers on a personal basis that will honestly tell you who the sharks are, then find someone who is into local advertising sales, they will know everyone in town that matters and will know who to ask if they do not already know.

You had little chance of getting custody before they signed away their parental rights, now you might have a chance and don't think that the parents choosing their successor is automatically a win for them, if the parents are even admitting to themselves they suck as parents, their choice for the new guardian is still based on that same lack of ability. It can even be as simple as what Judge you will get. The sharks know what Judges tend to do on a personal level because the law is only as good as the guy enforcing/enacting it.......that is the Judge.

Good luck my man, I will have you added to our prayer list.

 

[Old Salt]

Wow! I've been away for two whole days....

You've had a lot of good advice here, Snaf. You can only hope that daughter gets her head screwed on straight. Nothing will work until then. Rehab will not work until she hits her own personal rock-bottom and she won't reach that point with enablers covering her a$$. She has to want to get better for herself, not please others by going to treatment.