joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, '*** Holes!'

There was a short pitch on National Health Care by Obama, immediately followed by the Iranian National Anthem, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

****, I LOVE this truck!

 

[Old Salt]

Date: Thu, 30 Jul 2009 08:47:10 -0400

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States

of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly

salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related

overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the

President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost

savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot

remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash

outlay," Reynolds noted.

_____

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Washington, DC -- July 27,2009

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination (it is hoped it

did not end up in his junk folder). Preparations for the job move have been

underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India,

will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was

born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at

Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will

receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other

benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job

responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between

the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights

will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated

Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

"I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully

aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not

be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond

effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can

address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at

all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson.

"Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some

people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day

of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for

$340 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. This, of course, will be taxable as

income and if he can't pay his rent or mortgage after taxes, that's too bad.

Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment

benefits will exceed the allowed limit. He is being notified of his COBRA

options, whereby he will have to pay what his employer paid. This will be

$870 a month, but it is unlikely he'll be able to afford it on his

unemployment pay, much like most others offered this option.

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to

help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new

position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime

that is actually marketable in this economy. There are few openings for

Harvard lawyers who are fired - um, laid off - from the most important job

on the planet.

A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive

experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

 

[Old Salt]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of ***.

The 1st kind of *** is called: Smurf ***.

This kind of *** happens when you first meet someone and you both have *** until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of *** is called: Kitchen ***.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have *** anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of *** is called: Bedroom ***.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your *** has gotten routine and you usually have *** only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of *** is called: Hallway ***.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long.. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of *** is called: Religious ***.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular).

The 6th kind is called Courtroom ***.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of *** is called: Social Security ***.

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

[Old Salt]

Medical miracle

Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of plastic surgery, concluding with this case study: "Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ***. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House

 

[Old Salt]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"

"It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

 

[Old Salt]

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Barack Obama's clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

 

[Old Salt]

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.

2. Slowly open your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.

5. Open your internet browser.

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.

7. Breathe deeply and open the site (The End!!!!)

8. Look at the expression on the jerk?s face.

 

[Old Salt]

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last:

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to **** in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.

Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone *** numbers from your cell phone. They'll be 20 on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really ****** and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number). I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky..

George

P.S. Remember this motto....... an armed society is a polite society!

 

[Old Salt]

Summer Classes for Men at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Saturday, August 22, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used..

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[Old Salt]

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.

We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some thing to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Chris

 

[Old Salt]

Who is your role model?

Be sure not to peek! You don't want to screw your answer.

Try this - it's really neat ...

Don't look at the answers:

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the Calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down ...............

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Albert Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Mother Teresa

4. Randubius Raji

5. Bill Gates

6. Johann Von Stueckenberg

7. Michael Jackson

8. Brad Pitt

9. Old Salt

10. Barack Obama

I know...I just have that effect on people....

one day you too can be like me.....

Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!

I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT

 

[Old Salt]

As men age we start seeing more of the medical world which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.

In my case it is a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you"

 

[ImWithStupid]

A young blonde woman was driving through south Louisiana while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

Dang! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

 

[Old Salt]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages:

English: I Love You

Spanish: Te Amo

French: Je T'aime

German: lch Liebe Dich

Japanese: Ai e Imasu

Thai: Phom rak khun

Italian: Ti amo

Chinese Wo Ai Ni

Swedish: Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida: Nice *** , Get in the truck

 

[Ahhlee]

A woman asks her doctor, "How many calories does *** have?".

The doctor replies, "Honey, if you swallow, no one cares if you're fat".

 

[Old Salt]

<disclaimer - not fact checked>

Bail Out According to Maxine

​

"BAIL EM OUT ????

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our health and banking system, our very way of life to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey!"

 

[snafu]

<disclaimer - not fact checked>

Bail Out According to Maxine

​

"BAIL EM OUT ????

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our health and banking system, our very way of life to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey!"

I'm gonna have to use this one.

 

[Chi]

I'm gonna have to use this one.

Why? It's not even true. Just more lies and scare tactics. Taken from Wikipedia:


"After losing a tax fraud case in 1990, the brothel was closed for three months and auctioned off. Conforte fled the United States and now lives in Brazil. The brothel was bought by a holding company (a front for Conforte) and stayed open. After that company and the brothel's manager (a former county commissioner) lost a federal fraud, racketeering and conspiracy case in 1999, the Mustang Ranch was closed and forfeited to the federal government. The Brazil Supreme Court ruled in the same year that Conforte could not be extradited.

 


In 2002, the brothel's furniture, paintings and accessories were auctioned off. The Bureau of Land Management sold the Ranch's pink stucco structures on eBay in 2003. Bordello owner Lance Gilman purchased the buildings for $145,100 and moved them to his Wild Horse Adult Resort & Spa five miles to the east, where the relocated and extensively renovated buildings eventually became the second brothel located at that complex. However, the rights to the name Mustang Ranch, which Gilman had hoped to use for this new brothel, were tied up in a court battle with David Burgess, the owner of the Old Bridge Ranch, nephew of Joe Conforte, and manager of the Mustang Ranch from 1979 until 1989. In December 2006, a federal judge ruled that Gilman was the "exclusive owner of the Mustang Ranch trademark" giving him the rights to use the name and branding.[3]

 


In late March 2007, the final remaining building, the Annex II which had been bought for $8,600 by Dennis Hof, was burned down in a fire department training exercise.[4] A Reno Gazette-Journal report[5] cited plans for the restoration of natural conditions to the section of the Truckee River flowing through the land, following the completion of a similar restoration[6] five miles downstream on McCarran Ranch land owned by The Nature Conservancy. It would likely include construction of natural meanders to the river channel and replacement of invasive whitetop (Lepidium draba) with native plants, willow and cottonwood trees. Such a restoration will cost millions of dollars and could begin by 2007."

 

[eddo]

Why? It's not even true. Just more lies and scare tactics.

yeah, because all the other 250+ replies in here are all factual...

 

[Chi]

yeah, because all the other 250+ replies in here are all factual...

They are. Except TJ's