joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

 

[Old Salt]

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were

at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and

how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo

was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest

igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and

poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and

fell onto the floor.

"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was

colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"

and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a

big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third

Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third

Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw

back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small ***** of ice

there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When

it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.

 

[ImWithStupid]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he


quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity


as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a


month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.




After six


months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He


opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.



'Name's


Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas


party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'



'Great',


says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local


folks, thank you.'



As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you Be some drinking.'



'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink


with the best of 'em'.


Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna


be some fighting' too.'



'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there.


Thanks again.'



'More'n likely be some wild ***, too,'



'Now


that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been


all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what


should I wear?'



'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

 

[eddo]

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that

Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will

increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would

have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right

now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of

our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we

are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty

'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks

will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach

this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company Christmas Party.

THE BOSS

 

[Old Salt]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for **** ***, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do'. ''Does it hurt you?" he asked. 'No.. I rather like it'. ''Well, then," the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice **** ***, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant'.

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from **** ***?' 'Of course', the doctor replied. 'Where do you think Politicians come from?'

 

[Old Salt]

NOW THIS IS A CLASSIC

" The Shredder "

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the

Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper

in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important

document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing

work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted

the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared

inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:

Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

 

[ToriAllen]

I don't think I posted this before...

A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest were stuck in a raft surrounded by sharks after their yacht sinks.

The doctor said, ?We can?t survive out here very long without food and water.?

The priest said, ?I will pray for a miracle.?

The lawyer said, ?I?ll swim for shore. I think I can make it. Then I will bring back help.?

Before the doctor and priest could stop him, the lawyer jumped in the water and swam for shore. As he did, all of the sharks parted and allowed him through.

The priest threw up his hands and said, ?Praise the Lord, it?s a miracle!?

Then the doctor said, ?No, that?s just professional courtesy.?

 

[Old Salt]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the

96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to

the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts

up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her

sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that

forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of

you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March

day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As

she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,

she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally

answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they

had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities

had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now

don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I

just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't

remember it. Please tell me what your name is...'

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and

glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just

heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77...

Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see

over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an

intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I

could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more

minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again,

they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure

that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on

through. So, she turned to the other woman and Said, 'Mildred, did you know

that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed

us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, ****, am I driving ?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

[Old Salt]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[Old Salt]

MINNESOTA FARMER

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls.... the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says, 'Hey Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens..' Sven reaches under, pulls the teat... the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?' Sven says,

'My wife is from Nordakota.'

 

[Old Salt]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

 

[Old Salt]

A **** FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

[Old Salt]

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when......"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench .

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean ?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand..

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench .

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean ?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand..

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

How many of these criteria do you have to meet in order to be classified?

 

[Old Salt]

How many of these criteria do you have to meet in order to be classified?

I think probably just one.

 

[RegisteredAndEducated]

I think probably just one.

So if you meet two... you're really screwed?

frack

 

[timesjoke]

So if you meet two... you're really screwed?
frack

More than likely, lol

 

[eddo]

So if you meet two... you're really screwed?
frack

2???

I meet at least 20...

 

[Old Salt]

Amish ***

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied , 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My ***** is frozen solid.'

The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a *****?'

Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make a heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

 

[Old Salt]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish

you were married, or wish you weren't married, this

is something to smile about the next time you see a

bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business

trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly

Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped

the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like

a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into

the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make

a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old

woman just sat silently, looking intently at

everything she saw, studying every little detail,

until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to

Sally. 'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's

a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or

two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,

she said

'Good trade.....'