ImWithStupid
New member
Leave me alone. Whaaaa!poor IWS, can't aviod the language filter no matter where you go.
Old Salt
New member
Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake .
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
Watcha lookin' down here for? I told you dere's no more.!
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake .
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
Watcha lookin' down here for? I told you dere's no more.!
Old Salt
New member
Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the White man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing. All night smoking peace-pipe and having ***."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the White man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing. All night smoking peace-pipe and having ***."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."
ImWithStupid
New member
I didn't check the facts on this, it's a **** joke so leave me alone if it isn't true...
RegisteredAndEducated
New member
both of these were freakin hilarious.
Old Salt
New member
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
ImWithStupid
New member
That one's funny as ****. I've heard it before but laugh every time.
ImWithStupid
New member
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, were getting very drunk
at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a
twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even
drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to
give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and
you've puked all over yourself! My ***, you're
disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain
everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla
drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes
was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the
cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,
"But this is forty bucks..."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my
pants, too.
at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a
twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even
drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to
give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and
you've puked all over yourself! My ***, you're
disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain
everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla
drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes
was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the
cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,
"But this is forty bucks..."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my
pants, too.
Old Salt
New member
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
ToriAllen
New member
A man and woman were sitting on their front porch enjoying the afternoon of their 40th anniversary. All of a sudden, the woman got up, walked across the porch and smacked her husband across the face.
Shocked, her husband asked, "What was that for?"
She said, "That is for 40 years of bad ***." Then she sat back down.
A few minutes later the husband got up, walked across the porch and smacked his wife across the face.
She looked up at him and asked, "What was that for?"
He answered, "That's for knowing the difference."
Shocked, her husband asked, "What was that for?"
She said, "That is for 40 years of bad ***." Then she sat back down.
A few minutes later the husband got up, walked across the porch and smacked his wife across the face.
She looked up at him and asked, "What was that for?"
He answered, "That's for knowing the difference."
ImWithStupid
New member
As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
RoyalOrleans
New member
The Hedgehog? Oh man... that's a compliment!
Chi
New member
Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you. As I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you. As I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"