Old Salt
New member
The Economy Is So Bad...
...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
...Beautiful women are marrying for love.
...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
...A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
...The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
...Motel Six won't leave the light on.
...The Mob is laying off judges.
...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
...Beautiful women are marrying for love.
...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
...A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
...The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
...Motel Six won't leave the light on.
...The Mob is laying off judges.
ImWithStupid
New member
Now if we could get the unions to lay off the politicians, we'd be better set up for a turn around in the economy.
Old Salt
New member
A Port Authority of NY and NJ Police Officer stops a driver for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !
The officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The Officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. (the usual bull )
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !
The officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The Officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. (the usual bull )
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"
Old Salt
New member
You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. You let go about 5 strong and loud ones, back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:
You've been listening to your iPod!!!
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:
You've been listening to your iPod!!!
Old Salt
New member
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph...' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken..'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster . 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'Ralph! Wake up. You **** the bed!'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster . 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'Ralph! Wake up. You **** the bed!'
Old Salt
New member
Nutrition and Health...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Old Salt
New member
A highly esteemed Third grade teacher at a Kentucky County Elementary School. In an effort to prepare the students for the all-important TAKS test, compiled an exam Consisting of 20 questions, which was administered to the class last Tuesday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics.
I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:
LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________
Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?
1. SQUIRREL SEASON
2. DEER SEASON
3. RABBIT SEASON
4. TURKEY SEASON
***
BLESS
Kentucky ....
I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:
LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________
Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?
1. SQUIRREL SEASON
2. DEER SEASON
3. RABBIT SEASON
4. TURKEY SEASON
***
BLESS
Kentucky ....
Old Salt
New member
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my ***! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
The husband said, "Oh my ***! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Old Salt
New member
Church Rules.........
A couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from *** for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and The husband was obviously very depressed. You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from *** for the required month.' the young man replied sadly...
The pastor asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed t o abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with **** and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate ***. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly,'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.' 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.'
A couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from *** for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and The husband was obviously very depressed. You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from *** for the required month.' the young man replied sadly...
The pastor asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed t o abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with **** and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate ***. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly,'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.' 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.'
Old Salt
New member
Another new Illness to watch out for... **** Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"So, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of **** glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"And what the **** is **** glaucoma?"
"I just can't see my *** coming into work today."
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"So, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of **** glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"And what the **** is **** glaucoma?"
"I just can't see my *** coming into work today."
Old Salt
New member
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?
Old Salt
New member
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
Old Salt
New member
Jack and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Jack didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Jack .
But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Jack! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Jack , what in the world happened to you?'
Jack replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Jack said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 75 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pled 'guilty.'
'The **** judge gave me 30 days for perjury!
One day Jack didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Jack .
But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Jack! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Jack , what in the world happened to you?'
Jack replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Jack said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 75 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pled 'guilty.'
'The **** judge gave me 30 days for perjury!
Old Salt
New member
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no,everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though'
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no,everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though'