lmao what a joke
- Thread starter Crawling
- Start date
Rusu_luvs_LP_4ever
New member
Woah, haven't lauged like this in ages. Thanks for those, really appreciate them...hahahah omg
Crawling
New member
One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness.
The first man went to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The first man:" I have lied!"
Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved."
And so the man drank the water and was "saved".
Then the second man went up to the Father and said:" Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The second man: " I have stolen from the jeweler's!"
Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved."
And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved".
The third man went up to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The third man: " I peed in the Holy water!"
The first man went to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The first man:" I have lied!"
Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved."
And so the man drank the water and was "saved".
Then the second man went up to the Father and said:" Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The second man: " I have stolen from the jeweler's!"
Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved."
And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved".
The third man went up to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The third man: " I peed in the Holy water!"
Crawling
New member
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.
angelwithburntwings
New member
***** HAHAHAHAHAHA
those made me laugh so much, the pharmacist one was well good.
and SV's one.... LOL
I'm gonna tell the blonde one to some of my mates later on lol, we have a blonde friend who is really stupid sometimes (but we love her to bits
)
those made me laugh so much, the pharmacist one was well good.
and SV's one.... LOL
I'm gonna tell the blonde one to some of my mates later on lol, we have a blonde friend who is really stupid sometimes (but we love her to bits
)
Mikes_Shadow
New member
OMG! they are like the best jokes EVER!
Ive got one ^^
A guy walks up to a petrol station.. he really needs to go to the toilet.. but the mens room is already occupied. the woman at the counter asks "would you like to use the ladies room instead?" he said no
10 minutes later. the mens room is still occupied. the woman at the counter asks "now?" he said no.
another 10 minutes passed. the mens room was still occupied.. he really has to go. "okay I'll use the ladies room" he said. "Just dont press ANY buttons okay" the woman said. the guy went in and did his buisness.. he thought to himself "hey, a few buttons wont do much!"
He pressed the first one, PP, for powder puff... he pressed the second one, WW, warm water. he pressed the third one, WA, warm air. then he saw the last one. ATR. he pressed it, the next morning he woke up in hospital.
he saw his.... in a jar. he screamed.
the woman from the counter was there. "I told you not to press any buttons! do you even know what ATR stands for?" she said. he said no.
"automatic tampon remover"
its like the best joke ever!
Ive got one ^^
A guy walks up to a petrol station.. he really needs to go to the toilet.. but the mens room is already occupied. the woman at the counter asks "would you like to use the ladies room instead?" he said no
10 minutes later. the mens room is still occupied. the woman at the counter asks "now?" he said no.
another 10 minutes passed. the mens room was still occupied.. he really has to go. "okay I'll use the ladies room" he said. "Just dont press ANY buttons okay" the woman said. the guy went in and did his buisness.. he thought to himself "hey, a few buttons wont do much!"
He pressed the first one, PP, for powder puff... he pressed the second one, WW, warm water. he pressed the third one, WA, warm air. then he saw the last one. ATR. he pressed it, the next morning he woke up in hospital.
he saw his.... in a jar. he screamed.
the woman from the counter was there. "I told you not to press any buttons! do you even know what ATR stands for?" she said. he said no.
"automatic tampon remover"
its like the best joke ever!
Crawling
New member
Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why
you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"
The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."
Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why
you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"
The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."
Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'
o0SugaxNxSpice0o
New member
Haha, those jokes were hilarious!
Matrix Thing:
NEO: I am the One and I am free.
The Oracle is fond of me.
I need that dude who makes the key.
MEROVINGIAN: You only dream that you are free,
Look all around -- causality:
It's in the wine, it's in the steak,
It's in this chocolate cake I bake.
See yonder blonde? She sure looks fine.
One bite of cake, and she'll be mine.
Then in the restroom where we're meeting,
You can guess what she'll be eating.
So, goodbye.
NEO: But I am free,
And he is not the boss of me!
PERSEPHONE: He is a pig, she is a *****,
I've seen this scene twelve times before.
The tricks he's pulled, the lies he's said --
I'll shoot his werewolf in the head!
I'll fix him good for being sly;
I'll give you the key maker guy.
But first, a kiss to seal the deal;
Just make me feel that it's for real.
NEO: This bargain does have some appeal . . .
OK, a kiss, and now we're through.
PERSEPHONE: I'm very cute, curvaceous too,
Is that the best that you can do?
It must be true, the things they say --
The tabloid stories that you're . .
NEO: Hey!
Let's try again, you are a hottie.
Here's a kiss that's really naughty.
(Trinity will hate this night.
She'll bring it up each time we fight.)
PERSEPHONE: Now, that was better, way to go!
I feel a tingle, head to toe.
Let's have another...
TRINITY: Back off, ho!
Or taste a bullet from my gun.
PERSEPHONE: Too bad you're with her, she's no fun.
Well, come with me, we won't get caught.
I'll let you in my secret spot:
A steamy, dark place down below,
A tunnel deep in my chateau.
MORPHEUS: Could this be symbolism?
TRINITY: No.
PERSEPHONE: Come through this door and take a peek.
This little guy is the locksmith geek.
KEYMAKER: I've got the keys to every lock.
I jingle-jangle when I walk!
NEO: And can you get me to the Source?
KEYMAKER: I have that key. Of course! Of course!
I'm on your side, just don't take me
Through airport gate security.
Matrix Thing:
NEO: I am the One and I am free.
The Oracle is fond of me.
I need that dude who makes the key.
MEROVINGIAN: You only dream that you are free,
Look all around -- causality:
It's in the wine, it's in the steak,
It's in this chocolate cake I bake.
See yonder blonde? She sure looks fine.
One bite of cake, and she'll be mine.
Then in the restroom where we're meeting,
You can guess what she'll be eating.
So, goodbye.
NEO: But I am free,
And he is not the boss of me!
PERSEPHONE: He is a pig, she is a *****,
I've seen this scene twelve times before.
The tricks he's pulled, the lies he's said --
I'll shoot his werewolf in the head!
I'll fix him good for being sly;
I'll give you the key maker guy.
But first, a kiss to seal the deal;
Just make me feel that it's for real.
NEO: This bargain does have some appeal . . .
OK, a kiss, and now we're through.
PERSEPHONE: I'm very cute, curvaceous too,
Is that the best that you can do?
It must be true, the things they say --
The tabloid stories that you're . .
NEO: Hey!
Let's try again, you are a hottie.
Here's a kiss that's really naughty.
(Trinity will hate this night.
She'll bring it up each time we fight.)
PERSEPHONE: Now, that was better, way to go!
I feel a tingle, head to toe.
Let's have another...
TRINITY: Back off, ho!
Or taste a bullet from my gun.
PERSEPHONE: Too bad you're with her, she's no fun.
Well, come with me, we won't get caught.
I'll let you in my secret spot:
A steamy, dark place down below,
A tunnel deep in my chateau.
MORPHEUS: Could this be symbolism?
TRINITY: No.
PERSEPHONE: Come through this door and take a peek.
This little guy is the locksmith geek.
KEYMAKER: I've got the keys to every lock.
I jingle-jangle when I walk!
NEO: And can you get me to the Source?
KEYMAKER: I have that key. Of course! Of course!
I'm on your side, just don't take me
Through airport gate security.
o0SugaxNxSpice0o
New member
Female Comebacks
Boy : May I hold your hand?
Girl : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
Boy : I love you and I could die for you!
Girl : How soon??
Boy : I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl : Yes, but would you stay there??
Boy : Haven't I seen you some place before?
Girl : Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Boy : Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Boy : I'd go through anything for you!
Girl : Great!! Let's start with your bank account!
Boy : Whats your number?
Girl : Its in the phone book!
Boy : But i dont know your name?
Girl : Thats also in the phone book.
Boy : Hey, c'mon, we're both here at the bar for the same reason..
Girl : Yeah!! Lets go pick up some chicks!!
Boy : I want to give myself to you.
Girl : Sorry..i dont accept cheap gifts
Boy : I know how to please a woman...
Girl : Then get the **** away from me!
Boy : So, wanna go back to my place?
Girl : Well I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Boy : If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Girl : If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing
Boy : Your body's like a temple.
Girl : Sorry, there are no services today
Boy : Hey baby, what's your sign?
Girl : Do Not Enter!!
Boy : How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Girl : Unfertilized...
Boy : Your place or mine?
Girl : Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine
Boy : So, what do you do for a living.
Girl : I'm a female impersonator.
Male Comebacks
Girl : Say you love me! Say you love me!
Boy : You love me...
Girl : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
Boy : Sure, what's your phone number??
Girl : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
Boy : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
Girl : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
Boy : Don't you ever want to improve??
Girl : ...And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boy : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Other Funny Comebacks
Girl1 : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
Girl2 : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Boy : May I hold your hand?
Girl : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
Boy : I love you and I could die for you!
Girl : How soon??
Boy : I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl : Yes, but would you stay there??
Boy : Haven't I seen you some place before?
Girl : Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Boy : Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Boy : I'd go through anything for you!
Girl : Great!! Let's start with your bank account!
Boy : Whats your number?
Girl : Its in the phone book!
Boy : But i dont know your name?
Girl : Thats also in the phone book.
Boy : Hey, c'mon, we're both here at the bar for the same reason..
Girl : Yeah!! Lets go pick up some chicks!!
Boy : I want to give myself to you.
Girl : Sorry..i dont accept cheap gifts
Boy : I know how to please a woman...
Girl : Then get the **** away from me!
Boy : So, wanna go back to my place?
Girl : Well I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Boy : If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Girl : If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing
Boy : Your body's like a temple.
Girl : Sorry, there are no services today
Boy : Hey baby, what's your sign?
Girl : Do Not Enter!!
Boy : How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Girl : Unfertilized...
Boy : Your place or mine?
Girl : Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine
Boy : So, what do you do for a living.
Girl : I'm a female impersonator.
Male Comebacks
Girl : Say you love me! Say you love me!
Boy : You love me...
Girl : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
Boy : Sure, what's your phone number??
Girl : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
Boy : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
Girl : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
Boy : Don't you ever want to improve??
Girl : ...And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boy : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Other Funny Comebacks
Girl1 : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
Girl2 : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Mikes_Shadow
New member
hehe Ive got another one:
This guy walks into class, he is really late... the teacher asks where he has been..
"Ive been on top of strawberry hill"
Another guy walks into class 20 minutes later.. the teacher asks where he's been...
"Ive been on top of strawberry hill"
then a girl walks into class...
"let me guess, you've been on top of strawberry hill too?"
and then the girl said, "No, i am strawberry hill"
This guy walks into class, he is really late... the teacher asks where he has been..
"Ive been on top of strawberry hill"
Another guy walks into class 20 minutes later.. the teacher asks where he's been...
"Ive been on top of strawberry hill"
then a girl walks into class...
"let me guess, you've been on top of strawberry hill too?"
and then the girl said, "No, i am strawberry hill"
Mikes_Shadow
New member
here we go...
There's this little boy and he was brought up to say 'whistle' instead of 'pee'. One day he slept over his grandfathers house. His grandfather didn't know the magical importance of the word 'whistle'. So, it's in the middle of the night and the little boy hadda take a freak-a-leek, but he was scared to go by himself so he ran to the grandfathers bedroom and said "Grandpa, I gotta whistle." "Not now, you'll wake everyone up."the grandfather replied. "But I really really really have to whistle." the little boy said. "Okay fine, whistle in my ear..."
The ending is self explanatory
its kinda cheesy but i thought it was pretty funny
thats really creepy
Mikes_Shadow
New member
I have one like that...
why did the fly fall off the wall?
It had a fridge attatched to its foot.. lol
my sister made up a really cheesey joke when she was in year 7..
sister: ask me if im an orange
me: are you an orange?
sister: no
lol
i never get sick of that one
Mikes_Shadow
New member
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's **** was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
OMG THIS ONE IS SO GOOD!
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's **** was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
OMG THIS ONE IS SO GOOD!
Mikes_Shadow
New member
What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender
eep..
A frog in a blender
eep..
Crawling
New member
Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"