LPNailz's Journal (or it might be)

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LPNailz

New member
bored.

Too **** lazy to be typing in one of my books, and everyone else on planet earth seems to be dead (or at least paralyzed) so I figured I'd start a journal so as to have someone to talk to...myself. Whoo-hoo...

So yeah, I'm actually wanting a little human interactment, which is strange for me...usually I'm borderline hermit. People are annoying, they're always wanting things and never satisfied with what you give them. I'm telling myself it's all THEM, they just can't be satisfied, but there's still that little part of me going, no, it's you, it's all YOU, you can't do the simplest thing for people.

I used to be so meek. I never stood up for myself, hardly ever even spoke, never spoke to people I didn't know. I had no self-confidence. I'm doing better now, since I started taking martial arts. I used to think I could protect myself; now I know I have the guts to protect myself. But I'm still in a shell...I don't mingle well with people, I might sit and listen to them talking, but I hardly ever offer my own opinion. Guess I'm a real life lurker 8P.

There are people who bring me out of my shell though. A friend who's moved away was one...really miss him. Lately there been another one, someone I don't mind talking to me or sitting down near me (yeah, I'm that antisocial. don't come near me!)

People mostly give me space, though. I think I creep most folks out or something, like I have this dark miasma around me that people want to avoid. Says something about me eh? Jeez.

So, anyway, I'm sitting in a chair at my grandparents' house typing this right now. The old man is yellign about some woman with a wrong number...the old woman is trying to make me eat breakfast (though it's lunchtime)...and my brother is still asleep. I only woke up a few hours ago. It's wednesday, so I don't have any martial arts classes, and so no reason to get up. Bleh.

And I guess I know have nothing more to say, so, here goes, submit the thread.

 
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LPNailz

New member
yes. Sometimes I feel like screaming, "I'm not anorexic!" ...which is what they seem to believe is happening.
 
FireHawk

FireHawk

New member
I know how you feel I only weigh 107 (use to be 120) I eat normal but they all think I am going anorexic...I just want to yell "I'm a normal guy with high metabolism!"
 
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LPNailz

New member
hahaha, dude, I weigh more than you do, and you're probably taller than me. no wonder people give you a hard time, you must be skinny as a pole...but I doubt you're dying.
 
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LPNailz

New member
:confused: I don't know how much 70 kgs is in lbs.

Ah well, contented now. It's night, and I'm always happier then. People are leaving me alone. Been goofing off on youtube, and getting positive feedback on my writing forum, always a nice feeling.

 
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LPNailz

New member
Who, me? Oh, anything that hits my head. Music videos, Star Trek bloopers, anime, whatever.

And today...has been good so far. I almost forgot I'd started a journal, though.

 
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LPNailz

New member
Bored out of my mind again. Why is it all the friends I've made online have to be from California or Norway or something and I'm hardly ever awake when they are? Jeez.

I posted on my brother's forum, but the slacker hasn't noticed yet. He's off on other forums instead of maintaining his. I mean, he asked for my help\input\whatever, but I'm sure as **** not going to do all the work. I mean, I can't even start a new thread, only post in his. I have the link in my sig (like I do here), but if he doesn't make it worth anyone's time, I'm taking it out. What's the point of direction people to a site that isn't worth ****?

Ah for ***'s sake leave me alone. My grandmother just come here and yelled, "Are you not gonna eat nothing?" Bad grammar aside, LEAVE ME ALONE! I will not starve to death if I don't eat for all of one freakin day. This is totally unconnected, but snakes and some animals eat like once a month.

Somehow singing Down With The Sickness helps burn off some frustration (especially since I can do it rather well now...get up, come on get down with the sickness, open up your hate and let it flow into me), but I would rather be hitting something, screaming at the top of my lungs...anything polite society condemns, just to scare them. Barring that, think I'll go write some Leave Me The **** Alone lyrics or something.

**** off

Get lost

Leave me the **** alone!

Don't need

Your advice

Leave me the **** alone!

Heh...I actually feel better just typing that.

 
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LPNailz

New member
Link in my sig. It's basically centered on the text-based game he poured blood sweat and tears into for two or three years. You can download it on his site.

I'm feeling a little guilty for goofing off when I should be typing, but I will go read the XFiles- I mean LPFs :)

 
woodyloveslinkin

woodyloveslinkin

New member
That cracked me up Nailz. Hahaha, X-Files/LPFs same **** different bucket.

I'm multi-tasking typing an update of the LPFs, listening anything related to Tarja Turunen and writing on here. Will check it out later.

 
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LPNailz

New member
NG, NGX EGXSR KTQR ZIOL OY NGX RGVFSGQRTR ZIT J2 ZKQFLSQZGK

It is decode-able. But I'll let you figure out the code ;)

 
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LPNailz

New member
You'd think with all the internet at my access I could find something to do. But no...because I am plauged with the desire to scurry back to writingforums every three minutes, to see if anyone's critiqued anything of mine.

I don't know why I bother. Fantasy book...'I found it hard to wrap myself in the story...it screams amatuer'...this from the 20-year-old who puts double exclamation points at the end of almost every statement. ***, that still burns like **** just to think of, 'screams amatuer'. Scifi book...the format was so screwed up no one could understand it...no one even commented on the story, it becomes irrelevant apparently. I've fought through some pretty bad writing to try and find something to say about the story, but it seems the favor will never be returned. Semi-romantic short story...has 16 views and not a single comment yet. Really, what's wrong here? 16 people started on a tiny excerpt and couldn't finish it? Lyrics...oh, yeah, you don't even wanna know...first, because me and a friend always like what each other has and say so, we have formed some sort of 'jerk circle'? How many times to I have to explain the the two ******* idiots who are opposed to this that people are allowed to say, 'Hey, it's good'? If I commented on their work and said I liked it, I'm sure they would appreciate it, but if it's someone else, we're a 'jerk circle'. I beg one of them to go crying to the mods. I really do.

I have no life but writing. Maybe I take it too seriously...but for ***'s sake, I want to do something with me life. I am not content to sit on my *** and be ordinary. I want to prove to people that I can be something... I guess no one has ever said I couldn't be someone, but they just seem to assume. I'm like the invisible one in the family. I don't do anything special, but I'm not particularly deficient either. I sometimes wished I would be diagnosed with diabetes (it is in my family) or something just so there would be something that wasn't run-of-the-mill. I'm so average on the outside...I think I have something inside, my writing, that seperates me from most people, or at least I thought I did. Maybe I'm just doomed to be wrong all my life.

Probably someone's going to read this and think, 'oh, dramatic little teenage girl, she'll grow out of it,' and I really pray they're right. But when I get depressed like this, I just can't seem to snap out of it.

And they say it's not really depression, when teenagers feel this. They say it's just hormones, or some stupid thing like that. I mean it's not clinically depression. I ask you, what is clinical depression? If I feel like killing myself and I'm an adult, it's depression, but if I'm a teen, oh it's just hormones. Right, well, that make it A-O-*******-kay, then.

Augh. Guess I'll go check writingforums again. I'm so stupid.

Yeah so nothing new there so I figured I come up with something else to complain about. How about people? People are fun to complain about, and easy as ****.

But you know what, first, I've noticed something about me. I curse a LOT more when I'm mad. I do it when I'm happy too. Does that mean I curse a lot period? Well, actually, for the second one, not just when I'm happy but when I'm sort of, I don't know..drunk. Not drunk for real (I'm underaged and the smell of alchohol makes me wannna puke), but when I feel high. And I don't mean drugs. Just like as...natural high or something. Happens at night. It's the dark, I think...must've been a bat in a past life or something. It's like everything's vibrating, and I can't keep still, I just want to move and talk and sing and I'm so tired all at the same time. Yeah, that's when I start cursing. Guess cause it's easier than remembering all the long, complicated and much more fitting words that are also in my vocabulary.

Anyway, people. People who tick me off. Like a teacher who shall remain unnamed. She's not my teacher, thank ***, because I'm homeschooled, and besides, she teaches the 'special' kids. Ooooo...she so gets under my skin. She knows everything, or so she thinks, and everyone else is just poor and simple and must be pittied. Everything has to be explained so... slowly... and... carefully... see? She treats me like I'm five years old and oh, I can't bear being treated like that. I expect respect, damnit, when I've earned, and *** knows I have from her. She goes to martial arts with me, and I'm a much higher belt. Higher belts are to be respected.

Example: Last thursday I was teaching a new guy a kata. He had it pretty well, so I left him to it and went to get a drink of water and talk to a friend for a second. Now there were three people in the room, working on the kata; I was with Dave because a higher belt asked me to work with him specifically (actually he, my brother and I are the same belt, but Carl's really considered superior because of his age. I have no problem with that, either). Anyway, Teacher Dear comes in, goes straight to Dave and starts showing him the WRONG thing. She never knew I was working with him, of course, but it still felt like she was undermining my authority. I'm not used to having authority, mind you, so even though I was itching to, I didn't feel like it was my place to go set her straight. It looks bad, I thought, for a 14-year-old go correct a grown woman. Finally my mom, friend, and Carl talked me into going into the other room, but I just couldn't do anything. I went over to the other two and helped them some. Later I saw Carl talking to Teacher Dear, sort of looking in my direction. Admittedly, when he talks he sort of stares off into space all the time, but before she left she kinda caught my eye and smiled. Like that's going to make it better. I swear, I'm really not a violent person, but more then than before, I wanted so bad to punch her in the face. If she would just learn her place and stop acting Queen Of The World, I would like her just fine...but I can't stand it when someone thinks they're better than be - and in her case, better than everyone.

*Deep exhalation* I feel better now. Long-*** rant. I needed to get that out.

 
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LPNailz

New member
Ugh. I told myself to not vent online anymore, but I don't think that's going to happen. I just start typing and all my anger comes out. I never talk about my feelings to, like, real people (not to insult anyone here), because I know it'll alter their view of me. I mean, come on, if I just ran around comlaining all the time, no one would come with in three miles of me. And I never think about good things. I'm afraid to let people know about them, too. I don't know why. It's like I'm afraid that if I tell someone something about me, it's not mine anymore. It's like a raincloud over my head forevermore, a sign that says, "This girl is ****** up. Keep away from her." And sometimes I think I'd rather just be ALONE, you know? Things would be so much easier alone. But I'd miss people. I'd feel so stupid for letting people get too close to my heart, then trying to break away from them when I don't want to hurt them or myself. Scratch that, I DO ******* want to hurt myself. I deserve it, all the stupid lies I've told, all the pointless secrets I've kept, everything is just creeping up behind me and about to attack. I'm psychotic, but I can feel it. **** it all. I just can't find words to express the way I feel right now. This is all to redundant.
 
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