LPNailz's Journal (or it might be)

[Peterdea]

Ugh. I told myself to not vent online anymore, but I don't think that's going to happen. I just start typing and all my anger comes out. I never talk about my feelings to, like, real people (not to insult anyone here), because I know it'll alter their view of me. I mean, come on, if I just ran around comlaining all the time, no one would come with in three miles of me. And I never think about good things. I'm afraid to let people know about them, too. I don't know why. It's like I'm afraid that if I tell someone something about me, it's not mine anymore. It's like a raincloud over my head forevermore, a sign that says, "This girl is ****** up. Keep away from her." And sometimes I think I'd rather just be ALONE, you know? Things would be so much easier alone. But I'd miss people. I'd feel so stupid for letting people get too close to my heart, then trying to break away from them when I don't want to hurt them or myself. Scratch that, I DO ******* want to hurt myself. I deserve it, all the stupid lies I've told, all the pointless secrets I've kept, everything is just creeping up behind me and about to attack. I'm psychotic, but I can feel it. **** it all. I just can't find words to express the way I feel right now. This is all to redundant.

Everyone tells a lot of stupid lies, and keeping secrets... Well thats usually a good skill to have. Makes you more trust worthy. Even if it's stupid secrets... A secret is a secret...

I get what you mean wanting to post all that online and not to talk to actual people. I did counseling once, didn't help me at all and it wasn't until I met some of the people here that I had a way to talk to anyone about my problems. It's a matter of finding something your comfortable with and using that to your advantage. You don't have to tell people anything, and don't let people pressure you into saying things you don't want to say.

 

[LPNailz]

I'm starting to think keeping secrets is an awful skill. I kept something really big from my mom for 2 years (might have been 3, I don't remember anymore), and would have for as long as I could, but it got just a little too big.

People never pressure me about talking. Or they don't try very hard. In it's own way that's just as bad, I think. Makes me feels like no one really cares, anyway. I know they're just trying to give me my space or something, but I wish someone would just go ahead and invade my 'space', just once, you know? So that there would be someone I could actually be open with and not worry about offending or whatever.

I've never talked to people about anything that was important to me. People got used to it. Maybe they assumed I really had no opinion because I was simple or stupid.

But it's got to where I'm tired of being overshadowed by everyone. I want to be recognized as a human being. It's hard as **** to make people realize I'm real, I'm not just a thin cover of paper over a peice or air.

 

[Peterdea]

I'm starting to think keeping secrets is an awful skill. I kept something reallytoo big. big from my mom for 2 years (might have been 3, I don't remember anymore), and would have for as long as I could, but it got just a little
People never pressure me about talking. Or they don't try very hard. In it's own way that's just as bad, I think. Makes me feels like no one really cares, anyway. I know they're just trying to give me my space or something, but I wish someone would just go ahead and invade my 'space', just once, you know? So that there would be someone I could actually be open with and not worry about offending or whatever.

I've never talked to people about anything that was important to me. People got used to it. Maybe they assumed I really had no opinion because I was simple or stupid.

But it's got to where I'm tired of being overshadowed by everyone. I want to be recognized as a human being. It's hard as **** to make people realize I'm real, I'm not just a thin cover of paper over a peice or air.

Nothing feels as good (at least to me) as knowing people trust you. Thats whats good about keeping secrets

I totaly know what you mean, It's what I used to put up with till Ash became my best mate, thoguh I never saw it as a big deal... But I can see why it would be...

People won't think that for no reason, silence isn't really a reason

You have to fight for that, it's not just going to happen, but when you succeed it feels great.

 

[LPNailz]

Mm...thanks, Peterdea...if I don't respond, it's probably because I don't know how. I'm not used to talking about my feelings with people, it's usually a monolouge. I really do appreciate you trying, though.

Eh...took some advice and wrote this while I was mad... It's completely factual, not at all what I usually write, but whatever.

Tenseness in my shoulders and a burning in my gut. My head pulled back against my will, and though the muscles in my neck are tight I don’t resist.

“I wanna kiss.” She pouts.

I shift away as quickly as is acceptable and turn my face back to the computer screen. Why the ****…can’t you just leave me alone for once? I growl mentally. It doesn’t mean anything if it’s forced…don’t you understand? I love you, my flesh and blood – but ***, I hate you so much.

“Are you not hungry yet, baby?” Her frail old hands tremble as the come away from my hair.

“Nm.” I try to say ‘no’ without opening my mouth. “I’m not – I’ll eat when I’m hungry.” I add. To anyone else I would come across as sullen. To her?

I don’t know. She still sees me as a chubby baby, though I’m growing up now. My fingers have become long and thin with carefully maintained nails. My hair is clean and knotless, no tree sap or chewing gum caught in it for her no-longer-skillful hand to pick out. Baby fat is gone; I am slender, but I am maturing.

“Well, when you’re hungry -.”

“Mm.”

“Find something in the refrigerator, m’kay?”

“Mm-hm.”

Thank *** when she walks off. I sigh silently and feel the tension sliding away.

I don’t understand it. She refuses to see me as a young adult. I thought that maybe when I first had my period… But no. I have ‘been a woman’ for four months, but it’s still the same.

How can I be expected to act like an adult when I’m treated like a child?

 

[LPNailz]

Writing helps me let my feelings out, a sort of harmless way to hit things and scream. But then I end up embarassed by what I've written, and I convince myself I'm being silly and I should just stop writing it. I once convinced myself I should stop writing entirely because I really sucked at it, and I wouldn't be able to make a living at it. I actually sat on my bed on my bed and apologized to all my characters...and after that I felt so stupid, talking to people who didn't even exist. And I didn't write for months.

That's just what I'm thinking about, I guess. My writing, whether it's worth pursuing. *** knows I don't have any other skills. But I've deluded myself so much in the past, and I'm not sure I can believe myself when I say I can write. Other people have told me I'm good, and for a while it just makes me feel like I'm on top of the world...but I'm just so suspicious of people, I never feel like I can take everything they say for granted.

I guess I'm just a bit insecure today.

Yeah...so, Thursday I got dragged along to some college seminar-thing. I was ****** off about it in the first place cuz I didn't even know we were going until like two days before the fact, and it meant I was going to miss martial arts class. I was really looking forward to class that night, too; I wanted to see if this guy came back. And, seriously, I'm fourteen, I don't even wanna think about college anyway.

But I got dragged along anyways. My brother had to help me with some math schoolwork on the way, cuz I suck at math, and he's a regular Einstein. But after I figured it out, we had a loooong, boring ride ahead of us. Mom was driving and talking animatedly, my brother paid real close attention to everything she did (probably hoping she'll let him drive on the interstate soon) and I think ignored everything she said. I just plugged myself into my MP3 player and listened to LP and Disturbed and looked out the window. Wishing I had synched Believe and Reanimated. It worked out well, though, Perfect Insanity ended just as we pulled up at the place the seminar was being held at (a library).

Anti-dude running the thing sucked. He did everything but stutter. And he was all, "It's never too early to begin preparing for college." Yeah, I wanted to hear that. And there was so much about picking the right college; I mean, how hard can that be? I want to be a writer, so I just need to find a college with a good curriculum for hopeful writers. Hah, I think my parents're gonna want me to go to Converse. Mom because it covers most expenses or whatever, Dad because it's an all-girl school. I might have to veto that one, though. I don't usually get along with girls so good. I hang out with the guys.

Yeah...so the seminar was boring. Next Friday we'll be going to some consultation thing. At least, Mom and my brother will be. Don't know if I will or not; I only know about it because I was eavesdropping. I swear, people never tell me anything.

The ride home was by far the best part of the entire evening. I just had to listen to my mom and brother bantering back and forth to get plenty of laughs. I couldn't help but be a little lonely about it, though. Even within my own family, I'm no good at joining in.

Trying not to be so pessimistic, though. Right. Trying. I wrote some lyrics named 'Trying'... Most people like the chorus best:

-

It’s time to grow up

Though it hurts like a *****

I have to get over this

Get out of my niche

Drag myself out of the shadows

Let the sun burn it off

Learning I don’t have to be hard

I’m allowed to be soft

-

I'm rather proud of it, myself.

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

Writing for me also, helps me explain my feelings more directly, as every good poet and lyricist knows, it's emotional food for thought. Thus, whenever I'm down I tend to write out my feelings either in direct words or indirect words such as the LPF's or Tourniquet. But it's good to see you're proud of yourself for the words that you come out with.

 

[LPNailz]

Yeah...I just wish I could stay proud of them.

 

[LPNailz]

*Sigh*

Normally right now I would be sittin' on my **** watching Star Trek with my mom and brother. Instead, here I am. Sittin' on my **** wondering if I'll ever get outta this house. Sort of odd that I only write here when I'm bored or upset.

So the reason I'm not StarTrekking right now. My brother's at AMCA (American College of Martial Arts, where I take classes), helping move some stuff or something. I really don't know what he's doing. Result: me and Mom are waiting at my grandparent's house.

I've been here for two days, and normally I wouldn't mind the extra online time (haven't got hi-speed internet at our house), but I'm ready to be home. I can't write over here; too distracting, too uncomfortable. There is nowhere quiet, so I have to turn up my music insanely loud, and get yelled at to turn it down, and...yeah, not worth it at all.

Meh. Made myself a new sig, so I guess I'll make up an avatar to match or something.

 

[LPNailz]

Now I'm really worried...one of my dogs is missing. We can't find him anywhere... He's a big dog, you know? There's not anywhere for him to hide. Have to go now, though.

 

[LPNailz]

Found him...but he's got this lump thing on his neck. Not sure how we're going to get him to the vet; like I said, he's a pretty big dog.

I've been thinking about my standing in just about everything. I mean, when I try to intergrate myself into a group, they don't even respect me enough to dis me. I'm just ignored. I suck at social interaction, and I just don't know how to improve. I'm too afraid of being hurt to really open up and say hey - this is me, take it or leave it. I always say I don't care if people like me or not, but that's just plain untrue. I really do want to be liked. I'm always going to need alone time, but I so want friends...and I'm too introverted to figure out how to make them. All of my friends are people who've taken the first step and all that, but there's actually a guy I really want to get to know - but I swear to ***, the boy's just about more shy than I am.

I'm just so clueless right now...I wish I could take my self apart, keep everything I like and rebuild the rest. But I know it doesn't work like that. I am all me - I can't pick and choose. Or, again, I just don't ******* know how. So **** frustrating...

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

well the only thing you can really do and what I recommend is for you to try more. I'm naturally socialable but I guess other people like yourself have a harder time interacting than other people. I'm happy to hear that you got your dog back, but that lump thing doesn't sound too promising.

 

[LPNailz]

well the only thing you can really do and what I recommend is for you to try more.

I guess that's what I have to do...I'm just so **** shy all the time, it's hard to make myself do anything. I kind of rely on my brother to make friends and then in hanging out with him, they become my friends, but that's not exactly a foolproof stategy, esp. with him going to college next year. Bleh...it's just a matter of forcing myself, I suppose.

And yeah...my mom figures the lump on my dog's neck is just fluid that needs to be drained, but until we know for sure it's not cancer or something, I'm going to be so paranoid. [/crazy dog lady]

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

What type of dog is it?

 

[LPNailz]

lab\rottweiler mix. JJ looks like more of a rottweiler, but he's sweet like a lab. His broth JoJo is the opposite.

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

Lol, back home I have a beagle/terrier/kelpie dog called Sasha. Along with two evil cats.

 

[LPNailz]

Don'tcha know all cats are evil? Mine's declawed, and she still climbs those doorframes. 'Course she also eats my schoolwork for me, so I'm not saying a word.

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

My cat randomly attacked me last year. Always the exact style and the exact time. She chased me around the house and that was me coming out of my room, as I was getting ready for school.

Take care I'm off ***

 

[LPNailz]

My old cat liked to pull my socks off. He did it without biting my feet, too.

Eh, just face it, cats are weird but we love`em anyway.

 

[LPNailz]

Bya

I'm leaving for a few weeks to got o the beach, please don't close down my journal

 

[LPNailz]

k, so I'm officially back now.

Update on my dog, JJ (him having been the main thing on my mind for a bit) : The lump on his neck wa scar tissue from where he and his brother have been fighting, but it's almost gone now, so that's all good. He has an ear infection though, and he need a couples squirt of medicine in it twice a day for a week. He's being cooperative, as always, so no biggie.

I've been rethinking and considering a lot of things in my life lately...going to these sort of motivational seminars and whatnot. It's a thing that goes hand-in-hand with my martial art, hapkido, which means 'the way of coordinating energy.' It's basically all about straightening things out inside of yourself so you can be your best even in just regular day to day life. I'm realizing, I guess, how good I've got it. I'm lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love and trust me, and I need to work on living up to their expectations. But at the same time, I'm more at peace with myself that I ever have been. I need to find a happy medium between relying on others and being myself. I've found out that I'll always have secrets and get ****** up every now and then, and I don't have to fight my way back up on my own. Ironically, I've been quieter, and some people misconstrue that as depression; I now have to make them understand I'm just like that sometimes.

At the seminar today, we wrote down 2 things: one word that describes you as you are now, and what you want to be. At that moment, I was thoughtful, so I wrote that down. And all I really want to be is better. It seems like an obscure goal, I guess. So many things went through my head - I want to be an author, a blackbelt, a singer, a better friend, daughter and sister. So I just said 'better.' I'm not sure what I meant, but I'm sure now that I'll find out.

Yeah...it's good to be back...I know I can express myself here without being jumped on or judged, and it's a good feeling