The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Spike_1412
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MrRandomGuy
New member
ahaha, is *** michael jackson
KillMeImIrish
New member
ok, so i DEFINITELY had to bring this one up since i heard some pretty **** funny jokes last night. here's 4.
1. ok, so a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. a guy asks him, "dude. why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" the pirate replies, "ARRGG! it drives me NUTS!"
2. four men are golfing one day, and one is really bad. so he goes to get his ball out of the woods. while he's gone, the other 3 chat. one guys says "wow. you know, i'm really proud of my son. he used to be a horrible used car sales man. now he's the top car sales man in the nation! in fact, he just bought his friend 2 cars!" the other guy thinks to himself "i can't let this guy show me up!" so he says "yeah, well i'm pretty proud of my son, too. he used to be really bad at constuction and stuff, and now he designs some of the best houses in the nation. he just gave his friend a huge house in California!" the 3rd guy's thinking "geez! these guys are good!" so he says "well my son is better than both of your's. he was never really smart in school or anything, but he applied himself and went to Harvard. he's now the richest lawyer in the nation. he just recently gave his friend a $100,000 savings bond." they were pretty impressed. so the 4th guy comes walking up from retrieving his golf ball from the woods and has no idea what they've been talking about. so he asks, "so what did you guys talk about while i was gone?" and the men reply, "we were just discussing how proud we are of our sons." and the guy looks kind of disappointed. he says, "well, you know guys, i'm not really proud of my son at all. i'm really unhappy with the lifestyle he chose. he's gay. he hasn't really done anything with his life. but he must be doing pretty good. his last 3 boyfriends bought him 2 cars, a house, and a $100,000 savings bond." the other 3 guys are dumbfounded.
3. Bill Clinton, Hillary and George Bush are all in the same airplane. Hillary says she'll make 10 people happy by throwing ten $10 bills out of the plane. well, Clinton says he'll make 100 people happy by throwing 100 $1 bills out of the plane. well, George Bush said he'll make the whole Nation happy by throwing Bill Clinton out of the plane.
4. ok, these 3 guys are on the Island and the kind of the Island tells them to bring back 10 pieces of their favorite kind of fruit or he'll kill them. so the three guys are like, "um. this should be easy." the first guy comes up with apples and the king tells him that he has to shove all 10 in his mouth without laughing or making a funny face or he dies. the guy tries to shove the first one in his mouth and he makes a face, so the king kills him. the 2nd guy comes up and he's like "ok, i got this down!" he brand 10 small berries. 1..2...3..4..5..6.. and he BUSTS out laughing! so the king kills him. when the 2nd guy gets to heaven St. Peter asks him, "man, you were so far! why'd you laugh?" the guy replies "well, i was doing good until i saw the 3rd guy running up with pineapples!"
yep. thats all i got in me. i hope you read it all. cause they made me laugh so hard when i heard them..
1. ok, so a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. a guy asks him, "dude. why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" the pirate replies, "ARRGG! it drives me NUTS!"
2. four men are golfing one day, and one is really bad. so he goes to get his ball out of the woods. while he's gone, the other 3 chat. one guys says "wow. you know, i'm really proud of my son. he used to be a horrible used car sales man. now he's the top car sales man in the nation! in fact, he just bought his friend 2 cars!" the other guy thinks to himself "i can't let this guy show me up!" so he says "yeah, well i'm pretty proud of my son, too. he used to be really bad at constuction and stuff, and now he designs some of the best houses in the nation. he just gave his friend a huge house in California!" the 3rd guy's thinking "geez! these guys are good!" so he says "well my son is better than both of your's. he was never really smart in school or anything, but he applied himself and went to Harvard. he's now the richest lawyer in the nation. he just recently gave his friend a $100,000 savings bond." they were pretty impressed. so the 4th guy comes walking up from retrieving his golf ball from the woods and has no idea what they've been talking about. so he asks, "so what did you guys talk about while i was gone?" and the men reply, "we were just discussing how proud we are of our sons." and the guy looks kind of disappointed. he says, "well, you know guys, i'm not really proud of my son at all. i'm really unhappy with the lifestyle he chose. he's gay. he hasn't really done anything with his life. but he must be doing pretty good. his last 3 boyfriends bought him 2 cars, a house, and a $100,000 savings bond." the other 3 guys are dumbfounded.
3. Bill Clinton, Hillary and George Bush are all in the same airplane. Hillary says she'll make 10 people happy by throwing ten $10 bills out of the plane. well, Clinton says he'll make 100 people happy by throwing 100 $1 bills out of the plane. well, George Bush said he'll make the whole Nation happy by throwing Bill Clinton out of the plane.
4. ok, these 3 guys are on the Island and the kind of the Island tells them to bring back 10 pieces of their favorite kind of fruit or he'll kill them. so the three guys are like, "um. this should be easy." the first guy comes up with apples and the king tells him that he has to shove all 10 in his mouth without laughing or making a funny face or he dies. the guy tries to shove the first one in his mouth and he makes a face, so the king kills him. the 2nd guy comes up and he's like "ok, i got this down!" he brand 10 small berries. 1..2...3..4..5..6.. and he BUSTS out laughing! so the king kills him. when the 2nd guy gets to heaven St. Peter asks him, "man, you were so far! why'd you laugh?" the guy replies "well, i was doing good until i saw the 3rd guy running up with pineapples!"
yep. thats all i got in me. i hope you read it all. cause they made me laugh so hard when i heard them..
Victim
Active Members
^those are funny indeed..
-A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains, leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the guy, finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done anything crazy and wild in your life" and the old man said "yah, I have, I once made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my son"
-A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three ****'s Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
-For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
-Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
-A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains, leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the guy, finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done anything crazy and wild in your life" and the old man said "yah, I have, I once made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my son"
-A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three ****'s Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
-For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
-Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
MISS_JUSTYNA
New member
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied,
"in-laws."
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied,
"in-laws."
KillMeImIrish
New member
ugh...you so just lost 20 cool points.
Spike_1412
New member
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he ***** up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
Very embarrassed, he ***** up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
Spike_1412
New member
I eat map who?
HAHA YOU EAT POO!
(I eat mah poo)
Is that right?
HAHA YOU EAT POO!
(I eat mah poo)
Is that right?
Vash_the_Stampede
New member
You might be a redneck if you headbang to Dueling Banjos.
m. k. Shinoda
New member
a penguin was talking to another when
so came a ship and hitted an iceberg
so the penguim says to the other
"do you have marshmallow?"
(i know it looks crazy, but in portuguese it's sooooooooooooooo funny)
so came a ship and hitted an iceberg
so the penguim says to the other
"do you have marshmallow?"
(i know it looks crazy, but in portuguese it's sooooooooooooooo funny)
linkinpark-1
New member
lol this guy I sit by told me this really corny joke.
"I'm not racist I have a colored TV!"
Yea then he told it to his african-american friend and he just laughed.
"I'm not racist I have a colored TV!"
Yea then he told it to his african-american friend and he just laughed.
MrRandomGuy
New member
what do you call an eternity?
4 blondes in 4 cars that stop at a 4 way stop sign at the same time
4 blondes in 4 cars that stop at a 4 way stop sign at the same time
Mikes_Shadow
New member
the lamest but funniest jokes EVER:
Instant water, just add water.
dude: are you an orange?
other dude: no
why did the fly fall off the wall?
Cause it had a fridge attatched to its foot
they're lame but funny
Instant water, just add water.
dude: are you an orange?
other dude: no
why did the fly fall off the wall?
Cause it had a fridge attatched to its foot
they're lame but funny
Spike_1412
New member
lol, good jokes every one.
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"