WARNING!!! this update contains serious issues...please read on to find out.
He gave me one last kiss and we walked out of the mall.
Later that night Gerard was over and the guilt was eating at me apparently Mikey didn’t tell him. He didn’t know anything, but I couldn’t keep him ignorant for long.
“Gerard, I have something to tell you.”
“Yes dear?”
The tone of his voice made my ears perk; it was obvious.
“You know don’t you?”
“Yeah I do Mikey told as soon as I came through the door.”
“Listen Gee I’m sorry you know I wouldn’t do it purposely…”
His facial expression made me stop dead in my sentence. I could see his eyes watering. Tears were burning in my eyes hoping to join his.
“Listen I’m truly sorry, we went to far I know but…”
“Hotoru stop, I know you feel really bad, but even though I know I should be screaming my head off I don’t want to lose you and I’m willing to talk about this and at least try to work things out between us.”
I was quiet. He was upset but still understanding at the same time. I was confused.
“You’re not mad?”
“No, I just want you.”
My heart sank when he spoke. I didn’t deserve to have him after what happened, but still he wanted to be with me. But Mikey wants to be with me. I don’t want to hurt Gerard, but I’m not sure if I want to continue what I have with him.
Can this get any worse?
Gerard was on my bed staring at me. I was on the other side of the room. He stood up and came to my side. He hugged me deeply and looked into my eyes. I looked away. I couldn’t stand looking into the eyes I had just hurt. He kissed me on my forehead and then without another word he left.
Those days I spent on suspension were filled with tears. I refused to leave my room and only Sirus consoled me because he was the only one I would let in. I felt my life was over. I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. I didn’t deserve to live. I pulled myself out of bed and dried my tears. I walked into the bathroom and took a good hard look at myself. I looked horrible. I opened up the medicine cabinet and looked for Sirus’s sleeping pills. I found them; slowly I set them on the counter and began to think.
How many would it take to kill me?
The pills were so pretty in my hand; light pink death tolls they were. There were seven of them, no nine, no now ten. That should do it. I stared at the pink little pills; my decision was made. Tomorrow I would be dead and people wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. All together I shoved them in my mouth and forced them down. It only took two minutes for me to find my self on the cold floor of the bathroom; then I felt my world go dark.
Hotoru….come back we need you here…
Don’t let go….
I opened my eyes and saw nothing but whiteness. I heard a snoring next to me. I looked over and there was Mikey in a chair asleep. I looked to my other side where I felt weight on my arm. There was Gerard sleeping soundly. Sirus came in with a bag in his hands. He stopped when he saw that I was awake.
“What happened?” I asked quietly trying not to wake Gee and Mikey.
“You filled yourself with pills and I saved you.”
“Thanks.”
I felt tears sting my eyes. I didn’t bother and let them free. Sirus grabbed me and hugged me. Gerard woke up.
so emotional!!!