When is it an affair

[phreakwars]

Sex is not the only part of a relationship but the part it plays, whatever its size, serves a very important ****ing function.

No way, I disagree. It's about intimacy. We are naturally programmed to ****, intimacy is what persuades us. The topic is, "WHEN IS IT AN AFFAIR" and in my opinion, it is when the threshold of intimacy is taken beyond a point that was designated between you and your spouse.

I'll put up a poll on this in a bit, but what I am saying is: Sex OF COURSE is concidered an affair by religion and by law, but I believe AFFAIR can mean more then sex.

Think of, say, some older couple, the guy can't get a ****ing boner to save his life... but he frequents another females home for aquantaince and companionship, he is constantly kissing her, yet he can not physically perform sex.... IS HE HAVING AN AFFAIR ???
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[manicmonday]

I'll put up a poll on this in a bit, but what I am saying is: Sex OF COURSE is concidered an affair by religion and by law, but I believe AFFAIR can mean more then sex.

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I completely agree with the statement. I would be more mad at my spouse if he was intimate with someone than if he screwed her. I would be mad he screwed her, but I would be more mad that he was able to reach someone that wasn't me. That I would divorce over.

And I don't think all men think kissing is a prelude to sex only. Some men truly enjoy it. I've been with some who liked the kissing and it was romantic. It usually leads to more, but the act of kissing its self was actually romantic.

 

[Lethalfind]

No way, I disagree. It's about intimacy. We are naturally programmed to ****, intimacy is what persuades us. The topic is, "WHEN IS IT AN AFFAIR" and in my opinion, it is when the threshold of intimacy is taken beyond a point that was designated between you and your spouse.

I'll put up a poll on this in a bit, but what I am saying is: Sex OF COURSE is concidered an affair by religion and by law, but I believe AFFAIR can mean more then sex.

Think of, say, some older couple, the guy can't get a ****ing boner to save his life... but he frequents another females home for aquantaince and companionship, he is constantly kissing her, yet he can not physically perform sex.... IS HE HAVING AN AFFAIR ???
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Interesting distinction coming from a guy and I have to agree...a momentary lapse in libido can be dealt with but if real emotional intimacy has been created with another person outside the committed relationship then thats posibly significant and a real harm to that relationship.

 

[Ahhlee]

I'll put up a poll on this in a bit, but what I am saying is: Sex OF COURSE is concidered an affair by religion and by law, but I believe AFFAIR can mean more then sex.

Good point.

AFFAIR - a long standing relationship with a person outside your marriage with whom you are frequently intimate with.

CHEATING - a one time **** you hope your spouse won't find out about.

 

[Ahhlee]

^^^ That quote was originally posted by phreakwars, btw.

Sorry folks. I'm new.

 

[Gallytuck]

No way, I disagree. It's about intimacy. We are naturally programmed to ****, intimacy is what persuades us. The topic is, "WHEN IS IT AN AFFAIR" and in my opinion, it is when the threshold of intimacy is taken beyond a point that was designated between you and your spouse.

I'll put up a poll on this in a bit, but what I am saying is: Sex OF COURSE is concidered an affair by religion and by law, but I believe AFFAIR can mean more then sex.

Think of, say, some older couple, the guy can't get a ****ing boner to save his life... but he frequents another females home for aquantaince and companionship, he is constantly kissing her, yet he can not physically perform sex.... IS HE HAVING AN AFFAIR ???
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Yes, he is having an affair.

Sex in a relationship performs a really important function. Think about that one.

I'm confused but I think we're both on the same side on this one.

 

[Gallytuck]

How about we just let every spouse or partner define what they consider to be across the line.

 

[tiredofwhiners]

To be honest thats what I was thinking when I first read this thread...as in did it stop at kissing out of chance rather then design...

It stops because you get a mental slap and think "what the **** am i doing".

And whoever brought up it's differant if it's just ****ing or if it's making love.
NO it's the same thing. You still have your dick in a hole you did'nt sign up for.

 

[Cogito Ergo Sum]

Oh good God...

There is nothing more in this world that confounds me that the desire of seemingly otherwise good and normal people, to somehow criminalize instinctual sexual urges and resulting behavior.

It's in your genes; male and female. When the pheromones are right, it doesn't matter what a piece of paper or a wedding band says, sex will happen. It's BIOLOGY. I don't fault anybody, male or female for enjoying the act in and of itself.

It's no big deal.

What is the big deal, is not being honest about the desire and action itself. The error is in the lie and/or the omission.

It is very possible to have sex without love and love without sex. They are not synonymous.

What really sends people into a tailspin and they don't even realize it, is the impending sense of loss of devotion and commitment!

As long as I feel that my partner is devoted and committed to me, then I don't care who they boink if the urge is overwhelming. Have a good time. Please don't bring anything home to me, and by the way, I really enjoy boinking with you and am here when you are ready again. Simple and honest.

Where the meat of the relationship is this....PAY ATTENTION.

Who do you work in the garden with and are so happy to be doing this with, who rubs your shoulders when they hurt, who strokes your hair softly while you lay in their lap, who takes the time to prepare a meal for you with the secret ingredient of care and attention, who picks up the slack when you are weary, who brings you a cold beverage when you are hot and thirsty, who shops at the store and carefully selects items they know you would enjoy - just because it's you, who brings you a roll of toilet paper from the closet because there is none under the bathroom cabinet and you really need it now, who's eyes consistently smile back at you when you smile at theirs?

These are what make a relationship. Not who you boink!

That is unimportant and is worthless at defining a relationship. Even in this day of pills to make a 70 year old man get a raging boner for 36 hours...So what. Who will help that 70 year old man off the floor when he falls? Who will rush to his bedside when he is suddenly taken ill? Who will that 70 year old man do those things for? That's the defining moment of who is who in your life.

There have been a few people in my life who I would of and actually did gladly bump the uglies together with, it was heated and full of physical pleasure, but I had no desire whatsoever to fix them a meal, wash their bedsheets, or scrub out their shower so that it would be clean for them. I do those things for the person I love. I also have sex with the person I love too and it's very different from the biological urge that sweeps over us all from time to time. Wonderfully different.

I understand that my philosophy on sex is not everybody's cup of tea and there will be the naysayers and ranters and such...

What I can offer in my defense is this. I've always been happy in the sex and love department. Always.

 

[snafu]

I disagree totally.
It does matter who you’re ****ing. Your partner can't be devoted to you While banging the baloney with someone else. How is she going to bring that roll of **** paper when she’s out ****ing someone else? Does this make me insecure thinking this? Maybe but it shows a lack of respect as well as restraint from your partner.
If what you are saying CES is how you really feel you are a minority. Most people would lose trust and respect from their spouse even if they agreed with it. If their ****ing somone else they aren't giving you the attention you deserve from your relationship. Open marriages rarely work. You would both have to agree with it and then usually one will get more than the other. This brings on resentment.
Does your wife agree with this? I'm sure she's just fine with you banging any body you want.
Or just wait until she gets used to that other dick and decides to be there to hand the other guy his **** paper.

 

[Gallytuck]

Where the meat of the relationship is this....PAY ATTENTION.

Who do you work in the garden with and are so happy to be doing this with, who rubs your shoulders when they hurt, who strokes your hair softly while you lay in their lap, who takes the time to prepare a meal for you with the secret ingredient of care and attention, who picks up the slack when you are weary, who brings you a cold beverage when you are hot and thirsty, who shops at the store and carefully selects items they know you would enjoy - just because it's you, who brings you a roll of toilet paper from the closet because there is none under the bathroom cabinet and you really need it now, who's eyes consistently smile back at you when you smile at theirs?

These are what make a relationship. Not who you boink!

Thank you for defining strong friendships. You don't need a partner to do these things for you. Get good friends.

 

[hugo]

It's an affair when you actually give a damn about the other person you are screwing.

 

[manicmonday]

Oh good God...



What I can offer in my defense is this. I've always been happy in the sex and love department. Always.

Awww sweet CES. You might have always been happy in the love and sex department, but it takes two to be in a relationship. You are alone right????? Well seems to my simple mind maybe the woman wasn't so happy about it.....and you are the one who like rosy the palm lover. Rosy probably doesn't complain much, so how do we know how your other partners felt about this "instinctual ****ing of chemistry" you are so fond of??????

 

[atlantic]

Oh good God...

There is nothing more in this world that confounds me that the desire of seemingly otherwise good and normal people, to somehow criminalize instinctual sexual urges and resulting behavior.

It's in your genes; male and female. When the pheromones are right, it doesn't matter what a piece of paper or a wedding band says, sex will happen. It's BIOLOGY. I don't fault anybody, male or female for enjoying the act in and of itself.

It's no big deal.

What is the big deal, is not being honest about the desire and action itself. The error is in the lie and/or the omission.

It is very possible to have sex without love and love without sex. They are not synonymous.

What really sends people into a tailspin and they don't even realize it, is the impending sense of loss of devotion and commitment!

As long as I feel that my partner is devoted and committed to me, then I don't care who they boink if the urge is overwhelming. Have a good time. Please don't bring anything home to me, and by the way, I really enjoy boinking with you and am here when you are ready again. Simple and honest.

Where the meat of the relationship is this....PAY ATTENTION.

Who do you work in the garden with and are so happy to be doing this with, who rubs your shoulders when they hurt, who strokes your hair softly while you lay in their lap, who takes the time to prepare a meal for you with the secret ingredient of care and attention, who picks up the slack when you are weary, who brings you a cold beverage when you are hot and thirsty, who shops at the store and carefully selects items they know you would enjoy - just because it's you, who brings you a roll of toilet paper from the closet because there is none under the bathroom cabinet and you really need it now, who's eyes consistently smile back at you when you smile at theirs?

These are what make a relationship. Not who you boink!

That is unimportant and is worthless at defining a relationship. Even in this day of pills to make a 70 year old man get a raging boner for 36 hours...So what. Who will help that 70 year old man off the floor when he falls? Who will rush to his bedside when he is suddenly taken ill? Who will that 70 year old man do those things for? That's the defining moment of who is who in your life.

There have been a few people in my life who I would of and actually did gladly bump the uglies together with, it was heated and full of physical pleasure, but I had no desire whatsoever to fix them a meal, wash their bedsheets, or scrub out their shower so that it would be clean for them. I do those things for the person I love. I also have sex with the person I love too and it's very different from the biological urge that sweeps over us all from time to time. Wonderfully different.

I understand that my philosophy on sex is not everybody's cup of tea and there will be the naysayers and ranters and such...

What I can offer in my defense is this. I've always been happy in the sex and love department. Always.

I agree with you; I know several people who have open marriages and they are all happy; you have some that try to cling on; but if the initial union is strong that will usually play itself out. It also doesn't mean they have a shitload of partners, some may have only met 1 person each and they continue their relationship for years happily!

 

[angie]

Whatever floats your boat, I guess. However~I don't share. End of story.

 

[Cogito Ergo Sum]

Awww sweet CES. You might have always been happy in the love and sex department, but it takes two to be in a relationship. You are alone right????? Well seems to my simple mind maybe the woman wasn't so happy about it.....and you are the one who like rosy the palm lover. Rosy probably doesn't complain much, so how do we know how your other partners felt about this "instinctual ****ing of chemistry" you are so fond of??????

I have never said I was alone. Ever. I said I wasn't married. FYI: I have been in the same relationship for over 10 years now with a living breathing beautiful human being. I still love Rosy the Palm lover, but I also have very hot sex with my other half, thank you. We even still make love!

In addition, I said I was divorced from my sons mother, who left after serious post-partum depression, hormonal induced mental issues and drug and alcohol addictions. She got treatment and has remarried, and we are the best of friends now. In fact, she is coming for the entire month of June and half of July with her husband. This will be their 3rd trip here to stay with us. They both love both of us. We all get along very well and no, we don't swing with each other.

As a matter of fact, 10 minutes ago I was using Microsoft Remote Assistance to help her configure and correct some problems on her computer. When I was done, she told me yet once again how she loved me, respected me, and thought I was a beautiful person and how glad she was that I was our son's Dad. I feel the very same about her. We had our problems, but they are in the past. She is well now, and will always be the mother of my children, so I respect her for that and quite frankly, that is more than enough in my mind!

To answer your other question, yes, every relationship I have had in my life (there have been 4 and they were/are all long term relationships of at least 6 years), was based on this same philosophy which you describe as "instinctual ****ing of chemistry" . It has always worked and is nothing at all like some people here are painting it out to be.

My relationship is not "open", it's just not "rigidly closed". That's all. If my other half wanted to leave, I would miss them but move on. If they decided to have a unexpected and unplanned wild romp because the pheromones and the moment overtook them, then so be it. Did they come home? Are they staying or are they desirous of leaving? These are the real questions.

What most people fail to do is FIRST ask yourself what is the net result you are looking for. If it is to preserve the integrity and beauty of the relationship you have with an individual, then it is totally illogical and unreasonable to think that yelling, screaming, and jealously will somehow "enhance" your desired outcome. It won't. Honest and frank discussion about what you need and expect is crucial to understanding each other and providing for each other. It's really very simple.

I have never been possessive of possessions including my partner, and they have all known that they could leave with anything they wanted and they all did. Stuff is only stuff and when people don't resort to the insanity which some people so easily do, then that is a simple matter and one that can be dispensed in good spirits.

Funny, 3 months ago, my ex-wife found my very nice espresso machine from Switzerland in her Dad's garage. She knew how much I loved it and boxed it up and mailed it to me as a surprise. I was thrilled to get it back and it was completely unexpected and very thoughtful of her and I told her so.

True, it wasn't always that way...she was very vicious at first, but I returned her viciousness with kindness, and over time, she realized that no matter how rotten she treated me, I would be nice back to her. She eventually decided that she didn't want to be like that. I commend her for that.

I am not saying that my way is the way, just that it is different than the usual, and works for me and others who I know. That's it.

 

[Cogito Ergo Sum]

I agree with you; I know several people who have open marriages and they are all happy; you have some that try to cling on; but if the initial union is strong that will usually play itself out. It also doesn't mean they have a shitload of partners, some may have only met 1 person each and they continue their relationship for years happily!

EXACTLY! That is what I am talking about. Now, had they have blown a gasket and began going for each other's jugular, what would that have accomplished? Nothing but destruction.....

Instead, they took a tryst for what it was...a momentary tryst. They gave it the weight it truly deserved; not much...and they were all the better for that it would seem.

 

[atlantic]

EXACTLY! That is what I am talking about. Now, had they have blown a gasket and began going for each other's jugular, what would that have accomplished? Nothing but destruction.....

Instead, they took a tryst for what it was...a momentary tryst. They gave it the weight it truly deserved; not much...and they were all the better for that it would seem.

The friends I have who are involved in open marriages swear it has actually saved their marriages; the grass isn't always greener either! The key is to have respect and keep it seperated!

 

[Cogito Ergo Sum]

The friends I have who are involved in open marriages swear it has actually saved their marriages; the grass isn't always greener either! The key is to have respect and keep it seperated!

So true.

I once met a couple who later divorced over something so trivial. He masturbated (all men do) and he liked visual porn for masturbation, specifically Playboy magazines. She knew this when she met him. He was honest. She was not however and in fact, she was revolted by this concept. Never mind that they had hot freaky "monkeys in heat swinging from the chandeliers" sex, including role playing and toys, but the magazines were just too much for her and she divorced him. Later, about 6 months later, she recanted and regretted her decision but the irreparable damage had already been done.

What a pitiful waste...

 

[phreakwars]

I've always said the right person for anybody, is not the pretty one, or the strong one, or the smart one... it is the one who can tolerate your bullshit.

My wife and I have a very good understanding in our relationship when it comes to OTHER females. More directly, concerning the EX girlfriend. I simply said to her, if I was going to EVER cheat on her with another person, I would simplly leave her first. Of course I still love and respect the EX, and we both share a bond with each other, but she is NOT the person I married, and if she was meant to be that person, I would have married her by now.

It's not as simple as some women might believe, for a guy to cheat. But it IS very easy to slip and do something the other may not approve of.

But as long as your honest about it, and straight to the point without sugar coating it, affairs won't cross your mind.

I've discovered as I have gotten older, my interest in any other female is only because I see a nice body or pretty face. But then.. that is ALL I see... a nice body and a pretty face... does it turn me on ??? No, actually, kinda makes me feel old. Reminds me of old times when it was all about the looks when it came to girls. Always happy I settled for personality really. And if there is any difference between my wife and another it would be personality that would drive me away, and not looks. I'm happy with what I got, why in the **** would I want to concider chancing a new relationship, or rekindle one that died out with an EX ???

**** that !! I'm growin old with the bitch I got and don't want anyone else !!
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