Cutting...A serious issue.

xpaintballvixenx

xpaintballvixenx

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 23, 2004
Im a former cutter, and i was wondering if anyone cuts? It was hard for me to get out of cutting...because it was so simple, and i could comprehend what i was doing... But i dont anymore. I would like to talk about it, and get it off my chest.

I have a blogger, but i dont want to talk about it on there because all of my friends go to read it. (you are more than welcome to as well- www.paintballvixen.blogspot.com) so, since i dont know anyone on here personally...and you wont flame me. I am going to talk.

I never understood why people cut...i always thought "well, if they want to die so bad, why dont they drink bleach or something?"

but then, I hit an all time low in my life.

My boyfriend (the love of my ****ing life, forever.) had broken up with me a few months before, and i was really feeling it. He hurt me so bad, that i kind of got a bad attitude, and then tried to cover up that attitude, which upset me even more.
My mom and i were fighting, constantly...and we dont just fight like "NO CHELSEA!" "BUT MOM!" "YOUR GROUNDED. GOT TO YOUR ROOM." "Okayy...." i mean we yell. and scream. she told me she tried to commit suicide because of me. and she also slammed my head through a wall once. well, we were fighting and i had run away a few times before, but this time she kicked me out, and i was forced to stay at a friends... Which, was cool...but it hurt.
I was falling behond in school, and thatw as really stressing me out because my education is something i pride myself with.
Money issues. I hadn't had money to play paintball in a while (which is generally what i do to take out my frusterations)
Other family problems-
my dad was having heart problems and it scared me because i never knew my real dad. (he is my step dad) and i dont want to lose him, after i lost my grandpa (a very influential person in my life, a father figure) and my bf of 9 months(whom i lost my virginity too and vice versa).
My grandma has cancer, and she recently broke her foot. I dont get to see her as often as i'd like.
My uncle also has cancer.
i was also at this point, having a hard time finding my true self...(i still am struggling with this bit) i couldnt decide what i was doing with my life.
I was getting **** from alot of people...who didnt understand me as a person ( a reason why i dont take **** from anyone anymore)
I missed my 2 best friends (one moved to laguna and the other corona...i hardly ever see them now)
and i missed my friends in Michigan (more like family. they sculpted me in so many ways...i cant even begin to tell you.)
these are only the main things that were on my mind at the time.

so one night after another battle with my mom i went into my room and cried for hours. no music was on, not tv, no light, no anything. i just lay in my bed, looking out my window crying thinking of all the above.

then, i honestly don't know what i was doing...i just reached for something sharp( i basically had no control over what i was doing) - which happened to be scissors...and they werent very sharp. and began to cut myself. I was at an all time low, and i was feeling all these types of pains that i couldnt pin point. I was mentally unstable. The pain i was feeling was uncontrollable and i couldnt find the root of it.

Cutting was the only thing i COULD controll. I knew where i wanted it, how much i was going to let it bleed, and how many slashes i would leave. its grusome i know...but at the time it was all i had. it was the only pain i could comprehend, pain i could see and have an answer for.

do you ever just sometimes get really upset? and you dont know why? or you cant stop your self? and it makes you even more upset?

well i cut because i could say "this is because of what jonpaul did to me...*cut*" and then i could say "it hurts. and i know where it hurts. and i know why it hurts. i can control this." So for a few weeks their, in my life...i would think about things that would bother me and cut myself...kind of like the blood was bad energy leaving my body. and it worked for a while, until i started seeing how bad i looked. and how unstable i was...

so i righted a few wrongs in my life, and now its been 2 months since i cut. Im doing alot better.

thank you all for listening, and if anyone needs to talk about something they can always PM me. im here for anyone.


Tl;dr I cut myself, and i got over it. My story.

-chelsea
 
I ..... I'm sorry for what you've went through

Love and hate. The two major things in my life. Two majorpains, and two major pleasures.
I am only 15 i never had a boyfriend, and don't want to. My family isn't totally ****ed, but ****ed enought for me to loose faith sometimes.

My mom and my dad got divorced when In was.... maybe 8 or so... i can't remember allt oo well. But it could have been worse, you see, they only lived 30 miles away from each other, so i could go to both of their houses, a different time of the week. but now its gotten harder. I am in high school now and its harder to control now. My dad is the only one in my family who tries to understnad me, at least smetimes.

I have a step dad now, and 2 step brothers and 1 step sister who are in their 20's . (yes, i do not have any BLOOD siblngs) issues. maybe is even or has taekn drugs. he always sounds a lil high when I talk to him. I'm not real close to any of them.

My mom doesn't understand me, she doesn't try. she likes to think that when I was a child, all those thing never happened. that she never kicked dad out, that she never told me to go away when i wanted to spend time with her. she was cold to me, bu t i had soon gotten over it. Now shes the one always wanting to spend time with me, when i don't shes too sensitive and says"no one loves me" when she doesn't get her way. Its so selfish.

My aunt is another source of problems. she is an ignorante 32 year old baby-sitter that live with her dad. Yes, me, my dad, my aunt, and my grandpa live together becuase of financial problems. I hate living with her. she has no life, so she invades everone elses, and the onlt way she knows to cope with anger is yelling. YELLING. that's ALL she does. It drives me CRAZY. absoulutly crazy.

my grandpa is sick. he is VERY unhealthy and does little to make himself better. in the previous years we've lost my grandmother, who was VERY near to me. she was everything the family wasn't she'd cheer everyone up by humming a friendly little tune, or give the children chocolate or an extra sip of coffee when my aunt wasn't looking, or bake the BEST meals in the world. God I miss her now. Im actually seeing her smiling face and knee bobbing with the sound of her tune. i am crying now.

but nothing has ever been the same without her. it's been hell. everyones at each other's throuats and we don't have her anymore to help us. she was the one who made us function.

My uncle married a full-blown bitch. she takes advantage of him, of us, and is nothin but greedy. if you wewre to know her, you'd DESPISE her. Now they are broke, and thats another thing for us to worry about.

Now this is what i'm left with. another ****ING winter where things are just getting worse. at least my gradea are good. I'm not going to follow my family tradition. i'm going to make something of myself.

Ever since I was little, i have mutilated my fingers, picking my nails, hang nails, and in general, the flech aroun the nail. It looks like I have been sewing with barbed wire.

Now that you have my background, you maybe can see why i cut. well, i wouldn't say cut, but scratch. i just tried it recently. a sharp needle was all it took, scraping it against my skin and waiting with anticipation for the blood.
I am ashamed of myself, for i was greedy. I can't do this to myself anymore. It's... not right. I get physically sick when i think of what I did. I haven't told anybody. i hope my friends dont see on Sunday. i don't know how they'll react. We finally get to spen some time with each other.
I want to stop. i ahve to, but ....
there's still hope for me right? i have really found strength in all of you. i admire that you were able to quit. i promise to all of you who actually give a **** about patheric ol' me that i will stop, no matter what. Life wasn't given to me to throw away.

thank you all, and my you all find courage in yourselves.

~Heather~
 
scatching was how i started out. eventually it ended up with cutting.

life sucks sometimes...and its hard. but i got through it and so will you. i have no doubt that you cant quit. i've been keeping 2 bloggers and a written journal. ialso write alot..

and a suggestion, if you have a high pain tollerence..

go paintballing. it definatly relives some pressure.
 
hmm.. ive never cut myself before.. but ive had friends who do it..
but the thing is that.. some girls from my school think its cool to cut.
yes.
those ah-lians [or female gangsters WANNABES]..
they think its cool to cut..

which i feel is TOTALLY absurb rite..?
 
I haven't cut myself, but there were times when I wanted to do it, even I wanted to kill myself, but I....was afraid of pain and death.
Now I see that my problems were only a drop in the sea of your problems.
Life sucks :(
 
who cares about lp fans and korn fans......but sometimes i think about cutting. some of my friends have done it but i dont think they have problems in life i serously think they did it to get the attention. i just cant stand the blood and just the thought of it i just hate it! well i hope u guys get better and come to us when u need help
 
i used to do it, when i was reaally sad, i'd lost my bf (someone i loved sooooo much), i have scars of it, but it isn't something really serious.
i stopped with it when i started putting all my feelings in my draws, they look so... sad sometimes. i wish i'd be more happy, sometimes i feel so alone.

*sigh*
 
i cut myself, maybe half a year ago. i didn't tell anyone. but then i had a terrible fight with my mother, i ran to my dads (they're divorced) and cried my heart out but he didn't really listen to me, he even started to talk about cars!! next day he went to work and i was alone.again. i was so much hoping my mom would come to me and give me just al little hug that would be so great. and my mom really came...but just to give me my shoes (i ran away without shoes and my glasses) and some clothes. when she went away and slammed the door i was like shocked. i didn't know what to do and i just started to cry as loud as i could. half an hour later the neighbours came and took me to the hospital. then my mom and dad came there, but i didn't want to see them (why must there everytime happen something not usual like me getting to hospital to see some1 to say 'sorry'??) when the doctors saw my cuts on my arms they soon told me they'd take me to a (i dont know what its called in english) psychatric hopsital. i was there for 3 days because my mom wanted me to get out. and i went back to her. we dont talk about this what happened then. we never really did. she wouldn't even understand why i cut myself. but i don't do this anymore. sometimes when 'm in trouble or in a fight with some1 and i see something sharp it's tempting me to do it again. but then i see my arm and my scars and i don't want to have more.
 
wow. I see alot of poeple went through what i did.

fansince1999 if u would have read my post thouroghly, you would have noticed one small detail.

i am not suicidal! 99% of people who cut dont want to do.

and its funny u say KoRn fans...Because im in KoRnKamp, and they dont get this deep really. they are just more "look im dressing in dark clothes. dont mess with me"
 
jomama10691 said:
Former cutter myself. i didnt make a habit of it though. one night i was tired of the fighting. my dad broke a window (dumbass). it was my fault. i caused it. i got so fed up i gave myself 8 cuts. i really regreted doing it the next day. it was so stupid of me i dont know what i was thinking. people would see them. i cant stand those kids that think its "cool" or do it for attention. i've come close to doing it again, but i know it will be a mistake. i hate my mom when shes drunk and thats pushed me to the edge a couple of times. its not like she hits me or something (i would never take that). she just becomes this stupid crazy carefree person and then i have to become the adult and i dont think thats fair. that just crazes up everybody and it seems as though im the only sane person. but i promised myself that i wont cut. but i know how everyone feels. a couple of my friends occasionally cut and i totally understand where they are coming from. they cant go to anybody else. a lot of people are so judgemental these days. ya know the kind of people who have a perfect martha stuart family and would never understand. so im just there to listen and try to help.
Click to expand...

I know. It makes me sick when i think of my mom and how she acts like a child somethimes.... so i've been there
 
I think the biggest thing that stops us is regret. we've learned out mistake. I will choose to heal now and won't give into temptation. that's for everyone' support, it means the world to me. you guys are the best. I feel like i really understand you, and that you guys understand me. That is one of the best gifts i could recieve
 

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