xpaintballvixenx
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2004
Im a former cutter, and i was wondering if anyone cuts? It was hard for me to get out of cutting...because it was so simple, and i could comprehend what i was doing... But i dont anymore. I would like to talk about it, and get it off my chest.
I have a blogger, but i dont want to talk about it on there because all of my friends go to read it. (you are more than welcome to as well- www.paintballvixen.blogspot.com) so, since i dont know anyone on here personally...and you wont flame me. I am going to talk.
I never understood why people cut...i always thought "well, if they want to die so bad, why dont they drink bleach or something?"
but then, I hit an all time low in my life.
My boyfriend (the love of my ****ing life, forever.) had broken up with me a few months before, and i was really feeling it. He hurt me so bad, that i kind of got a bad attitude, and then tried to cover up that attitude, which upset me even more.
My mom and i were fighting, constantly...and we dont just fight like "NO CHELSEA!" "BUT MOM!" "YOUR GROUNDED. GOT TO YOUR ROOM." "Okayy...." i mean we yell. and scream. she told me she tried to commit suicide because of me. and she also slammed my head through a wall once. well, we were fighting and i had run away a few times before, but this time she kicked me out, and i was forced to stay at a friends... Which, was cool...but it hurt.
I was falling behond in school, and thatw as really stressing me out because my education is something i pride myself with.
Money issues. I hadn't had money to play paintball in a while (which is generally what i do to take out my frusterations)
Other family problems-
my dad was having heart problems and it scared me because i never knew my real dad. (he is my step dad) and i dont want to lose him, after i lost my grandpa (a very influential person in my life, a father figure) and my bf of 9 months(whom i lost my virginity too and vice versa).
My grandma has cancer, and she recently broke her foot. I dont get to see her as often as i'd like.
My uncle also has cancer.
i was also at this point, having a hard time finding my true self...(i still am struggling with this bit) i couldnt decide what i was doing with my life.
I was getting **** from alot of people...who didnt understand me as a person ( a reason why i dont take **** from anyone anymore)
I missed my 2 best friends (one moved to laguna and the other corona...i hardly ever see them now)
and i missed my friends in Michigan (more like family. they sculpted me in so many ways...i cant even begin to tell you.)
these are only the main things that were on my mind at the time.
so one night after another battle with my mom i went into my room and cried for hours. no music was on, not tv, no light, no anything. i just lay in my bed, looking out my window crying thinking of all the above.
then, i honestly don't know what i was doing...i just reached for something sharp( i basically had no control over what i was doing) - which happened to be scissors...and they werent very sharp. and began to cut myself. I was at an all time low, and i was feeling all these types of pains that i couldnt pin point. I was mentally unstable. The pain i was feeling was uncontrollable and i couldnt find the root of it.
Cutting was the only thing i COULD controll. I knew where i wanted it, how much i was going to let it bleed, and how many slashes i would leave. its grusome i know...but at the time it was all i had. it was the only pain i could comprehend, pain i could see and have an answer for.
do you ever just sometimes get really upset? and you dont know why? or you cant stop your self? and it makes you even more upset?
well i cut because i could say "this is because of what jonpaul did to me...*cut*" and then i could say "it hurts. and i know where it hurts. and i know why it hurts. i can control this." So for a few weeks their, in my life...i would think about things that would bother me and cut myself...kind of like the blood was bad energy leaving my body. and it worked for a while, until i started seeing how bad i looked. and how unstable i was...
so i righted a few wrongs in my life, and now its been 2 months since i cut. Im doing alot better.
thank you all for listening, and if anyone needs to talk about something they can always PM me. im here for anyone.
Tl;dr I cut myself, and i got over it. My story.
-chelsea
I have a blogger, but i dont want to talk about it on there because all of my friends go to read it. (you are more than welcome to as well- www.paintballvixen.blogspot.com) so, since i dont know anyone on here personally...and you wont flame me. I am going to talk.
I never understood why people cut...i always thought "well, if they want to die so bad, why dont they drink bleach or something?"
but then, I hit an all time low in my life.
My boyfriend (the love of my ****ing life, forever.) had broken up with me a few months before, and i was really feeling it. He hurt me so bad, that i kind of got a bad attitude, and then tried to cover up that attitude, which upset me even more.
My mom and i were fighting, constantly...and we dont just fight like "NO CHELSEA!" "BUT MOM!" "YOUR GROUNDED. GOT TO YOUR ROOM." "Okayy...." i mean we yell. and scream. she told me she tried to commit suicide because of me. and she also slammed my head through a wall once. well, we were fighting and i had run away a few times before, but this time she kicked me out, and i was forced to stay at a friends... Which, was cool...but it hurt.
I was falling behond in school, and thatw as really stressing me out because my education is something i pride myself with.
Money issues. I hadn't had money to play paintball in a while (which is generally what i do to take out my frusterations)
Other family problems-
my dad was having heart problems and it scared me because i never knew my real dad. (he is my step dad) and i dont want to lose him, after i lost my grandpa (a very influential person in my life, a father figure) and my bf of 9 months(whom i lost my virginity too and vice versa).
My grandma has cancer, and she recently broke her foot. I dont get to see her as often as i'd like.
My uncle also has cancer.
i was also at this point, having a hard time finding my true self...(i still am struggling with this bit) i couldnt decide what i was doing with my life.
I was getting **** from alot of people...who didnt understand me as a person ( a reason why i dont take **** from anyone anymore)
I missed my 2 best friends (one moved to laguna and the other corona...i hardly ever see them now)
and i missed my friends in Michigan (more like family. they sculpted me in so many ways...i cant even begin to tell you.)
these are only the main things that were on my mind at the time.
so one night after another battle with my mom i went into my room and cried for hours. no music was on, not tv, no light, no anything. i just lay in my bed, looking out my window crying thinking of all the above.
then, i honestly don't know what i was doing...i just reached for something sharp( i basically had no control over what i was doing) - which happened to be scissors...and they werent very sharp. and began to cut myself. I was at an all time low, and i was feeling all these types of pains that i couldnt pin point. I was mentally unstable. The pain i was feeling was uncontrollable and i couldnt find the root of it.
Cutting was the only thing i COULD controll. I knew where i wanted it, how much i was going to let it bleed, and how many slashes i would leave. its grusome i know...but at the time it was all i had. it was the only pain i could comprehend, pain i could see and have an answer for.
do you ever just sometimes get really upset? and you dont know why? or you cant stop your self? and it makes you even more upset?
well i cut because i could say "this is because of what jonpaul did to me...*cut*" and then i could say "it hurts. and i know where it hurts. and i know why it hurts. i can control this." So for a few weeks their, in my life...i would think about things that would bother me and cut myself...kind of like the blood was bad energy leaving my body. and it worked for a while, until i started seeing how bad i looked. and how unstable i was...
so i righted a few wrongs in my life, and now its been 2 months since i cut. Im doing alot better.
thank you all for listening, and if anyone needs to talk about something they can always PM me. im here for anyone.
Tl;dr I cut myself, and i got over it. My story.
-chelsea