How would you feel if the man you were dating didn't want to tell his family about yo

[Lethalfind]

How would you feel if the person you are seeing doesn't want to tell their family about you?

Evidently it was mentioned that we were seeing each other and his daughter-in-law got upset. His opinion was she was jealous of the time and money he would be spending on me and Diane. Well we decided to NOT see each other and then decided to see each other casually. I say casually because that has been my approach but he seems VERY attached to me except in the matter of letting his family know about it.

He has told me in order to avoid conflict within his family he has not mentioned we are seeing each other again...

I am frankly offended by this. He says he wants a long term relationship with me but he's going to keep that from his entire family??

So far I have adopted a wait and see attitude on this matter. He is spending Thanksgiving with his son and daughter in law (the one who was upset), so it will be interesting to see if something comes out when he is up there.

BUT what do you guys think.

 

[angie]

I think he's full of ****. Sounds like he doesn't really want to commit if he doesn't want to tell his family. I don't know why he is so concerned about what his daughter in law thinks, but quite frankly, he shouldn't give a rat's ass if he really cares about you and wants to be with you. It's his decision who he dates, not hers. None of her ****ing business.

 

[Lethalfind]

I think he's full of ****. Sounds like he doesn't really want to commit if he doesn't want to tell his family. I don't know why he is so concerned about what his daughter in law thinks, but quite frankly, he shouldn't give a rat's ass if he really cares about you and wants to be with you. It's his decision who he dates, not hers. None of her ****ing business.

Thats what I have been thinking. We had a talk about other things last night and he came right and said he was wanting a long term relationship, I had already made it clear I was not interested in marriage and he needed to slow it down. I have said something here and there about him not telling his family about he and I. I think he must have gone home fuming when we had a fight and now he doesn't want to have to take it all back and tell them we are seeing each other. I have to wonder what he tells his family about all the time he is on the phone calling me and time he is out of the house with me...
I don't want to be involved with someone who has so much drama in their family they can't even be honest about who they are dating.
I'm sure his sons are concerned he will marry someone alot younger and I will be in it only for the money...lol, he would have to be wealthy for that to happen...and as far as I know he isn't. He is comfortable but if I was going to marry someone I didn't care about for money, he would have to have alot of ****in money.

 

[angie]

So...he lives with his son and daughter and law? Interesting.
As for thinking he went home and had a tantrum about your fight-if that is the case, sounds like he's a bit childish to me. And makes me wonder exactly what he would have said about you that now he's worried the family dislikes you.
I can understand about the family drama. It's no fun, and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Especially right off the bat. I know eventually, after being with someone for an extended amount of time, you become part of the family, for better or for worse (unfortunately) but this soon in the relationship.....Sounds like it's more trouble than its worth. I think you should just move to GA and hook up with RO. At least you know what you're in for there!

 

[Lethalfind]

So...he lives with his son and daughter and law? Interesting.
As for thinking he went home and had a tantrum about your fight-if that is the case, sounds like he's a bit childish to me. And makes me wonder exactly what he would have said about you that now he's worried the family dislikes you.
I can understand about the family drama. It's no fun, and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Especially right off the bat. I know eventually, after being with someone for an extended amount of time, you become part of the family, for better or for worse (unfortunately) but this soon in the relationship.....Sounds like it's more trouble than its worth. I think you should just move to GA and hook up with RO. At least you know what you're in for there!

NO, he doesn't live with them, he lives with his parents who are 84 and 89, his Father is in failing health. His Son and daughter in law live in North Carolina, this is who he is going to see for the holidays.
LOL@moving to Georgia and living with RO, he can move here, I have a nice big house but I don't see myself living anywhere they have snow ever again.
He can be childish so I imagine that is what has happened. He is so non confrontational to the point its hard to have a conversation with him.
I don't see this going on much longer. We had some plans made into the future that involved him having purchased tickets for Diane and I and I thought that it would work us being more casual and going places together. He is great with children, you should have seen him with Diane at the Magic Kingdom the other night, he was great.
I think it will be interesting to see his response while he is away. I told him I wouldn't call him so as not to disturb his time with his family and of course not wanting to draw attention to the fact he is seeing someone. He calls me so much he had a $300 cell phone bill, he went that far over his 700 minutes...He said he would call me, lol. He has a tiger by the tail (where I'm concerned) and he has no idea. I think of this as practice, I have not dated in SO long, its like having to learn all over again.
I did learn something you guys might want to try. Its actually called Behavior Modification. I thought he was being grumpy the other night when we went to the Magic Kingdom, so I just got quiet. He snapped right out of it. He became his charming self. I hate doing that because it feels like I'm manipulating him but he doesn't respond to a direct, frontal attack like I'm used to waging when someone is pissing me off...

 

[angie]

I did learn something you guys might want to try. Its actually called Behavior Modification. I thought he was being grumpy the other night when we went to the Magic Kingdom, so I just got quiet. He snapped right out of it. He became his charming self. I hate doing that because it feels like I'm manipulating him but he doesn't respond to a direct, frontal attack like I'm used to waging when someone is pissing me off...

LMFAOROF!!! My fiancee does that to me ALL the time. He never ever gets grumpy or mad. So when I start to get moody, he pretends like he's in a pissy mood, and I snap right out of it. I'm not used to seeing him in a foul mood, so it freaks me out and sets my mood straight.

Best of luck with this guy. At least enjoy yourself while it lasts.

 

[TheJenn88]

I think he's full of ****. Sounds like he doesn't really want to commit if he doesn't want to tell his family. I don't know why he is so concerned about what his daughter in law thinks, but quite frankly, he shouldn't give a rat's ass if he really cares about you and wants to be with you. It's his decision who he dates, not hers. None of her ****ing business.

To an extent, I'd quite say it's her business. If my mum or dad were to start dating someone seriously, I'd very much like to know, because it could potentially mean alot more to just the parent, and end up affecting the entire family (financially, emotionally, and maybe permanently). However, I don't think a child should at all dictate who a parent dates. That's ..not right. I just think they should be privvy to some insight.

I can understand why he doesn't want to tell his family about you. I mean, think about it. He loves his kids more than anything in this world (or so I assume) and it must hurt a lot to see his daughter unhappy. Most kids, when they find out that their parent is dating someone seriously take it really hard. I'm not saying they're right or wrong in that, but it is hard. A lot of things cross their mind. Who is this stranger? Why are they trying to butt into our family life? How is this going to affect me and my family? What about money? Because a lot does change, and especially on young kids, it's hard to work with.

However, if he does indeed want to commit to a relationship with you, he has to do it wholly and honestly with all parties that it will effect. It's not fair to you that you're a secret in his closet when you play a major role in his life. If he can't take that next step and admit to being with you, then maybe he's not ready to deal with everything that may happen. You deserve to be treated fairly, and that means having you recognized. But keep in mind his poor kids. It must be hard for him.

Good luck

//edit// whoops, i didn't read the first few posts preceeding mine. Ignore any conflicting content

 

[snafu]

Ah the dating scene.
Just a thought but when you

 

[Lethalfind]

To an extent, I'd quite say it's her business. If my mum or dad were to start dating someone seriously, I'd very much like to know, because it could potentially mean alot more to just the parent, and end up affecting the entire family (financially, emotionally, and maybe permanently). However, I don't think a child should at all dictate who a parent dates. That's ..not right. I just think they should be privvy to some insight.

I can understand why he doesn't want to tell his family about you. I mean, think about it. He loves his kids more than anything in this world (or so I assume) and it must hurt a lot to see his daughter unhappy. Most kids, when they find out that their parent is dating someone seriously take it really hard. I'm not saying they're right or wrong in that, but it is hard. A lot of things cross their mind. Who is this stranger? Why are they trying to butt into our family life? How is this going to affect me and my family? What about money? Because a lot does change, and especially on young kids, it's hard to work with.

However, if he does indeed want to commit to a relationship with you, he has to do it wholly and honestly with all parties that it will effect. It's not fair to you that you're a secret in his closet when you play a major role in his life. If he can't take that next step and admit to being with you, then maybe he's not ready to deal with everything that may happen. You deserve to be treated fairly, and that means having you recognized. But keep in mind his poor kids. It must be hard for him.

Good luck

//edit// whoops, i didn't read the first few posts preceeding mine. Ignore any conflicting content

These people are not children, their in their early 30s, John the man I have been seeing is ALOT older then I am. So part of her concern is the age difference. I wasn't the one who approached him, he chased me down in true safari style, I tried to say NO but he was persistent. I find I enjoy his company but I don't want to get involved with a family conflict over him dating someone younger then himself. He has been with younger women before but not as much as I am...I can see them wanting to know but I think it goes further then that. He might even be worried about seeing his grandchildren. Who knows. I think this time away might be very telling. He usually can't go more then a couple of hours without talking to me, telling me every aspect of his day, that can't be done without his family finding out.
Tonight I got very quiet when he was here, he wanted to know why...I asked him didn't he like that better then us arguing?? I'm a smartass and probably not fit to be in a relationship because of it. I'm working on that part of though.
I am interested in someone else who is also older then I am, HOWEVER he has no children and no siblings and both his parents are dead...open season as far as I can see...

 

[angie]

Quite frankly, I think the kids need to butt their noses out of it a bit. They should be happy for their father. It's not like you guys are getting married.

I'm a smartass and probably not fit to be in a relationship because of it. I'm working on that part of though.

Oh don't worry. There's matches out there for smartasses. I have many sarcastic moments. I just happened to find someone who knows better than to let it get to him, and to just roll with the punches. It's just a matter of finding the right person.

 

[Lethalfind]

Quite frankly, I think the kids need to butt their noses out of it a bit. They should be happy for their father. It's not like you guys are getting married.

Oh don't worry. There's matches out there for smartasses. I have many sarcastic moments. I just happened to find someone who knows better than to let it get to him, and to just roll with the punches. It's just a matter of finding the right person.

The man I know in Texas actually likes me being a smartass, he likes sassy women, go figure...
Unfortunately I am here and he is there, for now. I am looking forward to December 17, the day I leave to drive there only for that reason.
I am not good at holding my tongue and I have to do that alot around the man I am seeing here, it works wonders though because when I get quiet he starts to act nicer. Strange. The man I am seeing here wants to get married some day and I'm sure his kids know this and thats why their worried...They are thinking that when he dies they will have to share his estate with me, I'm sure it hasn't escaped their notice that I'm not past child bearing years yet either.

 

[angie]

So...they basically just don't want to share Daddy and whatever money he has? Sad. They need to get their own lives.

 

[eisanbt]

Same sort of deal happen with me ma and her boyfriend. Me and my borther thought he was great and they WERE engaged, but his daughters are evil little bitches and spited us for some reason, namely they didn't want to share him or his resources. They broke up for awhile but now his duaghters have moved out so they started dating again more casually.

 

[Lethalfind]

So...they basically just don't want to share Daddy and whatever money he has? Sad. They need to get their own lives.

Thats what I think...of course he had told me he was thinking of moving up to North Carolina once his own parents passed away which is not far off because they are 84 and 89. He knows I won't move to North Carolina, I will never live with snow again.

He left today to go up there for Thanksgiving. He called me when he got on the road and just BEFORE he arrived. He has said that he can't get a good signal there but I have to wonder if its not because he does'nt want them to wonder who he is on the phone with...

OF COURSE I just spent an hour on the phone with my doctor friend in Texas...He doesn't have anyone to worry about what they think and I have no doubt he would be happy to take me around and introduce me too people. In fact while I was typing the previous sentence he called me back, I had been talking with him while he was in his office, once he got too his car he called me back...He calls me sweetheart and baby...I love it. He says he is counting the days until I get there...

 

[angie]

Honestly? Doesn't sound like it's worth it. Hang onto your friend from TX. Sounds like this other dope is too worried about what everyone else thinks, which is a bit too high school-ish if you ask me.

 

[Lethalfind]

Honestly? Doesn't sound like it's worth it. Hang onto your friend from TX. Sounds like this other dope is too worried about what everyone else thinks, which is a bit too high school-ish if you ask me.

lol, yes it does. He is so concerned about avoiding conflict its not attractive I have to say.
He left yesterday and called me twice that one day, we normally talk at least a couple of hours if we are not going to see each other. I haven't heard word one from him today. This is the first day since we started dating in fact that I have gone all day and not heard from him. Its very telling I think. I will not get into a struggle with someone and their family. Its not worth it.
Even when we suppposedly broke up we still talked off and on all day until we started seeing each other again.

 

[Lethalfind]

He called me today, had to sneak away from the house no doubt...
You could tell he felt guilty about Diane and I being home on our own today and he was there.
Won't it come as a surprise when I tell him about my plans in Texas.
We went on an event with his friends he works with at Disney, he didn't mention to them that I was his girlfriend either. Although I think they realized. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I ran into his boss yesterday and she seemed pretty clear.
What I don't get, he pursued me, relentlessly and NOW he is ashamed or affraid to tell people he is dating me?? How can you be that old and have that little self realization??

 

[Lethalfind]

I have never discussed any of this around my daughter for obvious reasons...
Today I asked her what she would think if I got married again. She said I just had to make sure I found someone who was really nice and would treat us well.
I wanted to know what she thought of John, not that I was thinking of marrying him so I asked her what she would think of me marrying him...
I was so shocked by her response, she said "he wouldn't want me as a daughter, I'd be a handful". I was so astonished that she has apparently picked up on his behavior as well. I shouldn't be, kids are so perceptive...

 

[RoyalOrleans]

I don't date men.

 

[LilBit]

I answered no but I guess it depends on the circumstances. If a male is THAT set on not telling his family, it makes me wonder what the reason could be. Someone might have gone through numerous bad relationships and introduced every partner to their family. If I had been dating the person over a long period of time, then that's when it would bother me.