Shadowed Heart
New member
So... While I'm not really pissy or anything, I think I'll write here...
I went to the Real Salt Lake game with my dad on Saturday (6-0, btw WOO!!!). It was kind of nice. I haven't been alone with him in a LONG time.
Today I went to Jocelyn's after school to make her birthday cake. I can't on her actual birthday because we're going to the soccer game after school and we are going out to dinner with the family right after that, and I'll probably need to be home soon after that. I am DETERMINED to eat whatever Joci forces me to order. Lol. We're going to a Chinese restaurant and I don't care for Chinese food. We went to one last year too, and I just had rice, water, and broccoli, but she's making me try some stuff... like sushi... Anywho... I can't the day before her birthday either because she has her driving test and won't be home until about an hour before my curfew. I suppose I could have made it while she was driving, but I wouldn't have been able to stay to sing happy birthday. And tomorrow I couldn't (her bday is Thursday) because I have a date with my mommy to go shopping and to a soccer game at another school.
So... I did it today. Also, I feel quite happy. I'm pretty close and comfortable with her family (her mom, her sister Erin, and her dad- who doesn't live with them but when we see each other it's great). Her brother Asher though, I've only met a few times. He's in the military so he's not really around much. And her sister Joelle... Idk why but we've just never had a friendship thing going on, but today was pretty good... We talked and got along like I do with the rest of her family.
I love them to death. Sometimes when Joci and Erin will go somewhere (like a school dance) and I'll be with them during the day, I'll stay at their house with Joelle and Mother and clean. Lol. I did the dishes today while Joci did her homework so that I could wash the cake holder thingy (it's scary that it needs to be washed because I made a cake for Joelle on April first and it's still dirty), but I got distracted and forgot to. oO
Eh.
So I sent Taylor the LONGEST text EVER last night, and he never got it so when he started talking to me today I sent it to him to read... and we were talking... and we might try again to be together in the summer. After school is over. *sigh* I hope it works out. *fingers crossed*
Grr. My little brother is in the shower. No warm water for me today.
Oh, here is the text I sent Taylor. I can send 160 characters to anybody, but a LOT more to other Verizon users, and he is, so this was in two FULL texts:
(LAST NIGHT):::
--> Okay so I'm juust gonna say this. I was planning on doing this in person but I've decided that there's a good chance that won'y happen... At least this way you will read this. I hope. And I hope you will write back b/c believe it or not (not, I'm guessing?), is really hard for me... Anyways... I have just been thinking, and I think you know this- that I'm not the best thing for you. I hate saying that thought b/c I want you so bad. I don't know what you want from me or why you keep playing games, but I wish you would just make up your mind. "Do you love me?" is a yes or no question. Anything BUT yes is a no. And you haven't said yes. You don't really love me... Maybe you think you can or you sort of feel obliged to, or at least to say it b/c of how passionately devoted I am to you... Or maybe you're just playing games... Or perhaps just trying to feel loved in return? Idk, only you do. I'm not going to say it. Because I think it scared you when I do... but you k now exactly how I feel about you. And all this is leading up to what I was pondering a few minutes ago. Do you want this? Anyrhing w. me and you? I could wait for school to be over... But will you want it then? Are you araid that you won't be able to handle me and soccer? Or is it just me? Because more and more things and happening that are convincing me that I won't ever be good enough, that I won't ever be pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, perfect enough for you. I don't think you believe me but I'm trying really hard to be all of those things. I've tried just letting you go but I won't be able to unless you tell me that I won't be able to be enough and you don't love me and it's not gonna happen. So tell me that or tell me it's not true. And please please please... please answer me. Please write back. I can't help but cry right now but no matter what you say I promise I'll feel so much better if you just say anything. ...Sorry for the long texts but you wouldn't have answered your phone if I called... because well... it's me calling. And I wouldn't do this in person b/c I'd start crying... <--
I went to the Real Salt Lake game with my dad on Saturday (6-0, btw WOO!!!). It was kind of nice. I haven't been alone with him in a LONG time.
Today I went to Jocelyn's after school to make her birthday cake. I can't on her actual birthday because we're going to the soccer game after school and we are going out to dinner with the family right after that, and I'll probably need to be home soon after that. I am DETERMINED to eat whatever Joci forces me to order. Lol. We're going to a Chinese restaurant and I don't care for Chinese food. We went to one last year too, and I just had rice, water, and broccoli, but she's making me try some stuff... like sushi... Anywho... I can't the day before her birthday either because she has her driving test and won't be home until about an hour before my curfew. I suppose I could have made it while she was driving, but I wouldn't have been able to stay to sing happy birthday. And tomorrow I couldn't (her bday is Thursday) because I have a date with my mommy to go shopping and to a soccer game at another school.
So... I did it today. Also, I feel quite happy. I'm pretty close and comfortable with her family (her mom, her sister Erin, and her dad- who doesn't live with them but when we see each other it's great). Her brother Asher though, I've only met a few times. He's in the military so he's not really around much. And her sister Joelle... Idk why but we've just never had a friendship thing going on, but today was pretty good... We talked and got along like I do with the rest of her family.
I love them to death. Sometimes when Joci and Erin will go somewhere (like a school dance) and I'll be with them during the day, I'll stay at their house with Joelle and Mother and clean. Lol. I did the dishes today while Joci did her homework so that I could wash the cake holder thingy (it's scary that it needs to be washed because I made a cake for Joelle on April first and it's still dirty), but I got distracted and forgot to. oO
Eh.
So I sent Taylor the LONGEST text EVER last night, and he never got it so when he started talking to me today I sent it to him to read... and we were talking... and we might try again to be together in the summer. After school is over. *sigh* I hope it works out. *fingers crossed*
Grr. My little brother is in the shower. No warm water for me today.
Oh, here is the text I sent Taylor. I can send 160 characters to anybody, but a LOT more to other Verizon users, and he is, so this was in two FULL texts:
(LAST NIGHT):::
--> Okay so I'm juust gonna say this. I was planning on doing this in person but I've decided that there's a good chance that won'y happen... At least this way you will read this. I hope. And I hope you will write back b/c believe it or not (not, I'm guessing?), is really hard for me... Anyways... I have just been thinking, and I think you know this- that I'm not the best thing for you. I hate saying that thought b/c I want you so bad. I don't know what you want from me or why you keep playing games, but I wish you would just make up your mind. "Do you love me?" is a yes or no question. Anything BUT yes is a no. And you haven't said yes. You don't really love me... Maybe you think you can or you sort of feel obliged to, or at least to say it b/c of how passionately devoted I am to you... Or maybe you're just playing games... Or perhaps just trying to feel loved in return? Idk, only you do. I'm not going to say it. Because I think it scared you when I do... but you k now exactly how I feel about you. And all this is leading up to what I was pondering a few minutes ago. Do you want this? Anyrhing w. me and you? I could wait for school to be over... But will you want it then? Are you araid that you won't be able to handle me and soccer? Or is it just me? Because more and more things and happening that are convincing me that I won't ever be good enough, that I won't ever be pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, perfect enough for you. I don't think you believe me but I'm trying really hard to be all of those things. I've tried just letting you go but I won't be able to unless you tell me that I won't be able to be enough and you don't love me and it's not gonna happen. So tell me that or tell me it's not true. And please please please... please answer me. Please write back. I can't help but cry right now but no matter what you say I promise I'll feel so much better if you just say anything. ...Sorry for the long texts but you wouldn't have answered your phone if I called... because well... it's me calling. And I wouldn't do this in person b/c I'd start crying... <--
