Sick jokes here

Q

quarky

New member
Let me get this started.

There are two guys in a pub

after a few hours drinking, the topic of dares comes up

the 1st guy turns to the second and says "I have a dare for you"

he then reaches into a bag and pulls out of pint of snot.

he then dares the 2nd guy to drink it for 100 cash

the 2nd guy refuses and the 1st guy up the anti to 150 cash and all he need to do it take a sip

the 2nd guy agrees, takes a deep breath and downs the whole lot

the 1st guy in shock then askes the 2nd why he did that?!

the 2nd guy replies "I couldn't help it, it was all in one lump"

 
tiredofwhiners

tiredofwhiners

New member
The boss was in a quandry...

He had to fire somebody.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used

the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying

all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but

I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

 
jokersarewild

jokersarewild

New member
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have *** with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have ***, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have *** with me, reach over and pull on ***** one time."

"If you don't want to have ***, reach over and pull on my *****....fifty times."

 
fullauto

fullauto

New member
What's the difference between a Tolhouse Cookie and a Jew?

The cookie doesn't say Oi Vey when you put it in the oven!

Now that's sick! Top that one! :D

 
builder

builder

New member
Q. Whats the difference between a dog **** and an aboriginal?

A. Eventually the dog **** will turn white and stop stinking.

 
builder

builder

New member
An Abo walked into the dole office and said 'I want a job'.

The guy behind the desk said 'WOW !!!! You're just in time!! This guy just left - he's a billionaire with a 21 year old daughter and he needs someone to chaperone her everywhere and drive her around in the Rolls. She goes overseas several times a year and you'd be expected to go too.

Oh, and the pay is $150,000 pa plus all expenses. '

The Abo said 'You're ******** me.'

The guy behid the desk said 'Yeah...well you started it....'

 
builder

builder

New member
Three things you dont say in a gay bar.

1 Toss you for a beer.

2 Can I *** a ***.

3 Can I push your stool in.

 
builder

builder

New member
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say .... here comes Paddy with them two arseholes." ;)

 
Cogito Ergo Sum

Cogito Ergo Sum

New member
Ian and William were two small boys in Scotland.

One day while sitting on the curb, they noticed various men exiting a residence across the street and the curious fact that each man made a point of saying to himself, "Man, that was some fine Special!" as they walked away.

After seeing half a dozen men during the day do this, Ian turned to William and said let's go get some of that "Special" !

So across the street, up the stairs, and in the door they went.

The Madame of the Whorehouse at the front desk looked down at the small boys, smiled, and said "Can I help you?", to which the boys replied, "We want to get some of that "Special" that every man leaving this place is talking about. It sounds real nice!"

"Is that so?" asked the Madame. "Do you have any money?" she asked. "The Special is not free."

Ian and William quickly reached into their pockets and pulled out their few coins. "I've got 2 cents and William's got 3 cents." said Ian.

The Madame reached out her hand and took the 5 cents from the boys and said "Fine, now go down the hall to the last door on the left, go inside and tell the fine young lady that you've paid for 5 cents worth of the "Special".

Happy as could be, the boys did as they were told and went to the room and told the ***** (who had just finished with her John), that they had paid for 5 cents worth of the "Special" and the woman at the front said they could get it here.

The ***** smiled and said "Absolutely gentlemen!" She then took her index and middle finger, dragged it deep between her crotch lips and waved the spunky scent closely under each boys nose for a few seconds. "There you go" said the *****. "Now run along!"

5 minutes later, young Ian and William are sitting across the street again stunned into silence. Finally, William turns to Ian and says "Well, what did you think of that Special?"

Ian looked right back at him and said, "Wasn't THAT bad, but I don't think I could have stood for 10 cents worth!" :eek:

 
Q

quarky

New member
what's a bottle full of flies used for

an aboriginal vibrator

----------------------------------------------------------

what's white and sits in the tree

a fridge

---------------------------------------------------------

what's blue and white and sits in a tree

a fridge wearing and denim jacket

 
phreakwars

phreakwars

New member
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?"

Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

.

.

 
Cogito Ergo Sum

Cogito Ergo Sum

New member
A boy walks into a hooker hotel with a dog as flat as paper and goes up to the pimp.

He says"I wanna hooker with AIDS".

The pimp is curious and asks why so the boy replies,

"Well I'm gonna give the hooker to my brother ,whose gonna give the AIDS to my sister,whose gonna give 'em to my dad whose gonna give 'em to the secretary, whose gonna give 'em to the boss,whose gonna give 'em to my mom, whose gonna give 'em to the mailman, and he's the mother ******* ******* who killed my dog!" :eek:

 
Cogito Ergo Sum

Cogito Ergo Sum

New member
A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery. One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her *****, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's ***** and again she quivered.

Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral *** with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral *** in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.

So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died.

The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked."

 
Cogito Ergo Sum

Cogito Ergo Sum

New member
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"

Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a *******."

So the girl puts his ***** in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.

"Your ***** tastes like ****!" she cries.

"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother earlier tonight." :eek:

 
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