The Aristocrats
My own personal variation of the classic dirty joke...
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The entire family disrobes and stands before the agent. All are completely naked, except for the mother.
Weighing in at over 600 pounds, the mother is obviously severely retarded. She is wearing nothing but a humongous adult diaper, which appears to be filled well beyond its maximum rated capacity. A tab of velcro at each corner of the diaper is all that holds back a torrent of unspeakable horror.
A colony of flies swarms around the obese matriarch as she skips about in her diaper, licking a large lolipop while chanting "La la la la la!" The father reaches into the dog's ***, and pulls out a Louisville Slugger. He bandies it with a flourish before bringing it crashing against his wife's skull. She falls to the floor, rocking the building to its foundation. As she lies semi-conscious on the floor, the father and son grab each other's ***** and begin jerking each other off, until they squirt dual goo-streams into the mother's open mouth. When they’re done, the dog squats over her face and pinches a large steaming loaf that drops straight into her gaping pie hole.
The young, pubescent daughter appears to be no more intelligent than her feeble mother. She cups her hands around her tiny swelling *******, which glisten with doggie saliva. Her skin is smooth and unblemished, save for a large scab which has formed over her virginal ****...the result of having been repeatedly violated with an ice pick by her own mother.
Her brother grasps the edge of the scab and tears it away as she screams in agony. He drops to his knees and begins licking the pus and blood from her open, infected wound while the dog ***** him in the ***. The girl’s cries of pain soon turn to moans of ecstasy. She climaxes, coughing up a large mucous-coated ball of clotted blood, which Fido eagerly devours.
The father turns around, bends over, and spreads his gluteal cheeks. The agent groans at the sight of what appears to be a huge, grotesque hemmorhoid. When it begins to move, he takes a closer look and is amazed to discover that is actually a tiny man!
Or, more accurately, a tiny half-man. For what he is now observing is the father's twin, congenitally-joined at his waist to the inside of the father's ***-crack. His perfectly formed head and arms are no bigger than those of a mouse.
"Hello, Uncle Bert!" squeals the daughter.
"How's my favorite niece?" Bert squeaks in a tiny voice. "Let your uncle have at those *******!"
The daughter proudly thrusts one of her tender budding puppies into her father's ***. Bert grabs the swelling nipple between his two hands and pressed his face into it. Suddenly, the father's sphincter begins to contract as it squeezes a large brown log from its eye. Bert reaches down and siezes a piece of undigested corn from the passing ****. He holds the nugget between his hands, shouts "lunch time!" and begins to gnaw on the kernal.
"Lunchtime!" echoes the father, mother, brother and sister. The mother divides the **** into 4 pieces, and the entire family digs in.
"Now, for our Grand Finale!" announces the father. He grasps the 2 tabs that are holding the mother's diaper in place. "This Depends has remained unopened for exactly one year. Prepare to be amazed as we explore the unknown and discover the wonders that lie within!"
With those words, he releases the tabs and the humongous diaper falls to the floor with a resounding thud. A dark cloud of toxic green gas immediately wafts forth, enveloping them all in an indescribable stench, inducing them to begin vomiting blood.
Turning his attention to the diaper, the agent can scarcly believe his eyes. Among the massive mounds of **** and coagulated blood are undigested remains of the mother's meals. This includes rusty tin cans; at least 3 license plates from various states; remnants of a used colostomy bag; and what appear to be shards of human bones and fingernails.
But there’s more. A hideous creature suddenly emerges from the hellacious dung pile. Closer examination reveals it to be a severely deformed baby, whose birth apparently had gone unnoticed by the mother. With rage in its eyes, the baby turns on its mother, shredding her fat face with its razor sharp teeth.
The brother picks up the deranged infant and thrusts his throbbing **** into its tiny mouth. The baby chomps down, cleanly severing the head from his brother's ****. He spits, and it shoots across the room like a champaign cork before landing squarely on the agent's lap.
The father proudly exclaims "Ta Daaaah!” as the entire family takes its bows
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a **** of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Top that, muddafukkas!
