Sick jokes here
- Thread starter quarky
- Start date
builder
New member
Just lay on the platform and take it like a man. And please don't cry out "freedom" when your guts hits the floor. It's not a good look. A bit overdone.Heh. You sneaky wombat-molesting ****.
The only difference between Aussies and onions is that people don'y cry when you carve up an Aussie.
builder
New member
No, not after being invaded and inseminated by all of northern Europe. Didn't hurt a bit after that.Fair enough.
We usually leave crying for freedom to the Scots as, unlike yourselves, we've never needed to.
And thank **** that Roman **** got his African slaves to build that **** of a wall to keep out those pesky ****** Scots and Welsh.Hadrian, that was the ******. Built that wall so you multi-cultural bastards didn't have too much to worry about the serious ****** to the north-east.
More ***** coming from France than you knew what to do with, but that might account for the smell.
Silly Yanks.
Tex
New member
Yo Hadrian.No, not after being invaded and inseminated by all of northern Europe. Didn't hurt a bit after that.
Hadrian, that was the ******. Built that wall so you multi-cultural bastards didn't have too much to worry about the serious ****** to the north-east.
More ***** coming from France than you knew what to do with, but that might account for the smell.
Actually, as Great Britain or the UK we've never been invaded and beaten. You kinda pointed that out in your post when ya said about keepin' the Scots and Welsh out...they're British too m8.
ToriAllen
New member
Suck **** Tex.
Enough. Go write your love notes in another thread. This is a thread meant for jokes, although watching your pathetic attempts at insulting each other is certainly on par with a really bad joke. I'll even set up another thread for you in the ****-pot.
phreakwars
New member
This I gotta see !!
..
TheJenn88
New member
What do you call a ****** hanging from a tree?...branch manager.
How do you starve a ******? Hide his welfare check in his work boots.
What the difference between a dead ****** in the road and a dead cat? The cat has brake marks to it.
Why are monkeys so ****** off? Because they know that in 1o million years they will be ******s.
What do you get when you cross a mexican and a ******? Someone who is to lazy to steal.
What do ****** kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.
What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.
How do you know when the chinese are moving into your neighborhood? The mexicans start getting car insurance.
What did a white guy see when he looked at his family tree?
A straight line!
How do you starve a ******? Hide his welfare check in his work boots.
What the difference between a dead ****** in the road and a dead cat? The cat has brake marks to it.
Why are monkeys so ****** off? Because they know that in 1o million years they will be ******s.
What do you get when you cross a mexican and a ******? Someone who is to lazy to steal.
What do ****** kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.
What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.
How do you know when the chinese are moving into your neighborhood? The mexicans start getting car insurance.
What did a white guy see when he looked at his family tree?
A straight line!
ImWithStupid
New member
What's a guy to do??
A guy goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
The assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like a male or female doll?" replies the
Assistant.
"Female, please."
"Would you prefer Black or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you care for a Christian or a Muslim?"
With this question, the customer became
Confused....then replied, "What does religion have to
Do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one
Blows itself up........."
A guy goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
The assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like a male or female doll?" replies the
Assistant.
"Female, please."
"Would you prefer Black or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you care for a Christian or a Muslim?"
With this question, the customer became
Confused....then replied, "What does religion have to
Do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one
Blows itself up........."
angie
New member
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife, and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife, and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
hopeUslide
New member
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost! Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost! Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
ImWithStupid
New member
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she
now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and
said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by
jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action
displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved,
hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved
him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she
now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and
said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by
jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action
displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved,
hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved
him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
RoyalOrleans
New member
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. "And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with is *****.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. "And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with is *****.
RoyalOrleans
New member
Two polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest ***** I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest ***** I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
3 construction workers are on a lunch brake. An Irish man, Mexican and a Polish man. Sitting on a beam high above the city they all their lunch boxes. First the Irish man, "Man if my wife packs me corned beef one more time I am going to jump!" Next the Mexican "Man, if my wife packs me another burrito one more time, i am going to jump!" Lastly, the Polish man opens his lunch box and says, "Man if my wife packs me one more sandwich, i am going to jump!"
The next day they all three sit down to have lunch together. The Irish man opens his lunch box and without saying a word, he jumps. Next the Mexican opens HIS lunch box and without saying a word, he jumps. Lastly the Polish man opens his lunch box and jumps.
At the funerals the Irish mans wife sobs and says "If only i didn't pack him corned beef he would be here today!" At the Mexican man's funeral HIS widow sobs and says "If only i didn't pack him another burrito, he would be here today. So at the Polish mans funeral, his widow looked at everyone and said "What? Don't look at me, I packed him lasagna!"
The next day they all three sit down to have lunch together. The Irish man opens his lunch box and without saying a word, he jumps. Next the Mexican opens HIS lunch box and without saying a word, he jumps. Lastly the Polish man opens his lunch box and jumps.
At the funerals the Irish mans wife sobs and says "If only i didn't pack him corned beef he would be here today!" At the Mexican man's funeral HIS widow sobs and says "If only i didn't pack him another burrito, he would be here today. So at the Polish mans funeral, his widow looked at everyone and said "What? Don't look at me, I packed him lasagna!"