Tasteless jokes thread (for the not-so-easy to offend)

LMFAO!!!! OMFG all of them were funny.

Ok i think a friend of mine did this one joke where he dropped this small pack sugar infront of me and told me

"Hey you dropped your I.D."

Then from their he started say

"I'm the sugar to your coffee"
"I'm the katchup to your Polish"
"I'm the cheese to your burger"
"I'm the beef to your taco"

Oh and i got this from a show

When you go to school, put on strap of your bookbag over one shoulder then walk like you limping. Then when you get to the girl you like lean against the wall and look straight. Why? So that one eye can look at her and the other can look for something better.

And if a girl says "I love you" just say"...a..I'm here am I?"
 
Okay I got this text message from a friend recently, it's politically INcorrect, so please don't take offence.

It reads:
"I rang Lifeline today and got an Afghanistani councellor
n told him I had been feeling suicidal...
he got all excited n
asked me if I could drive a truck!"

I know, I know... apologies - but I couldn't help but laugh.

Again, from Lisa;

Q. Why is Christmas better than a man?
A. It stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.
(I'm afraid my friends appreciate qualities I don't XD)

Started the new alcohol diet. It's great! I've lost 2 days in the first week!

Another text:
"I'm passing this txt on2 u because it worked 4 me. I have found inner peace. The way 2 do this is 2 finish the things u start. I looked around this morning & saw the things I had started... so I finished... The Vodka, The Bailey's, some red wine, the ice cream & the Valium. U have no ****in idea how peaceful I feel now!!" (Pass this on 2 any1 u think may need some peace in their lives :))
 
Hmmm i got three. And to let you all know they are perverted jokes.


1) Why does MJ like 28 year olds?
Becasue there's 20 eight year olds.

2) What does MJ and Walmart have in common?
They both have boy underwears for half

well i don't wanna say the third one becasue it's actually kinda sick.
 
WTF let me tell you this:

Question:Why is this topic called "Tasteless Jokes Thread"?
Answer:Ravynlee's tongue has problem when telling jokes.
 
Ok that's kinda harsh dude.

Ok now. Let me see.

Ok well I have this magical watch. And it can tell whether your wearing wearing underwear.......well are you (you answer yes). Then I say: Oh I'm sorry, my watch is an hour early!!!
 
speedthief said:
WTF let me tell you this:

Question:Why is this topic called "Tasteless Jokes Thread"?
Answer:Ravynlee's tongue has problem when telling jokes.
Click to expand...
That response would almost be considered smart if this weren't in a games thread.

Yes the title gives the subject matter away. If you come to a thread like this and go away feeling bruised that's your own fault. It's not posted under false pretences. 'Tasteless' and 'not-so-easy-to-offend' clearly does not denote traits for folks such as yourself, and kudos to you that your humour happens to be so high-brow. Sorry to hear that, I know it does take all kinds to make a planet. What's funny to one won't be funny to another. That's just a fact of life, accepted.

Clearly you were stung by something I said, and as posted nothing of the sort was intended. But that kind of knee-jerk reaction smacks of hypocritical schoolyard mentality, not levelheaded maturity - walking away and saying nothing (and moreover avoiding this thread altogether if you're that squeamish) rather than feeling the need to respond with that tongue-in-cheek rhetoric, would have arguably been more appropriate.

I did consider starting a thread like this would have such consequences, but I'll be damned if on a generalised and public forum I'll keep my humour to myself for fears of treading on the over-inflated toes of political correctness, especially, again, when it was not under false pretences. What the hell were you expecting in here, a bunch of blonde, tri-nationalities, generalised observations or political-satire jokes? Didn't it concern you jokes others make may offend my sensibilities, or does the tastes, demographics and attitudes of one dictate the tastes for all? So much for democracy, free speech, and the age of reason.

Apparently you're not the only one who can respond with sarcasm. It is, especially in this case, trully the lowest form of wit.

Consider the dummy spat.>:eek:
 
Blonde jokes (coming from someone who lacks most of her braincells and is blonde)

Q .. Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A .. To see what was on the other side.

Q .. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A .. Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q .. Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A .. She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q .. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A .. The vegetable garden.

Q .. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A .. "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q .. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A .. Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q .. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A .. They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q .. What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A .. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q .. To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A .. Grade four.

Q .. What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A .. 144 blondes.



Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.
"How can you tell?" says the other.
"I can smell **** in the air" replies the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"


There were three flies in a jar.
Two female and one male.
One of the female flies asks the male fly "Do you know a way to get out ?"
The male fly replies "Suck my dick and I'll tell you"
So she did and the male fly told her to fly up to the top of the jar and hit the lid real hard.
She did this and fell back down dead.
The second fly then asks the male fly "Please, you musk tell me how to get out !"
The male fly replies "Suck my dick and I'll tell you"
As she does the male fly inscructs her to fly up to the top of the jar and hit the lid two times real hard.
She did this and fell back down dead.
Want to know how the male fly got out?
"Suck my dick and i'll tell you"

A woman is like a pack of cards ...
... You need a heart to love her
... A diamond to marry her
... A club to smash her head in
... And a spade to bury the bitch


Valentine Slogans

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!


rofl.
 
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.
Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to
watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an
old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting
gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man
advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help
but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet,"
states the old man.
Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

lol on both
 
Ok well I'm gonna say the one joke I didn't wanna say.

Ok well there is this Hill billy and his daughter. So the daughter ask her dad "Dad can I use the truck?". So the father said "Ok but you have to suck my dick". So the daughter does, and then she stops and looks at her dad with a wierd disgusting face and says "Dad.....you dick taste like ****!!" So the father then says "Oh, I'm forgot honey. Your brother asked if he can use the truck."

I swear when I heard that from my bros friend I was just disgusted!!!
 
That is so wrong... so why did I laugh? hahaha

Terrible. Thanks! :eek:k:

While we're being crass, here's more;

A Hobo goes into a jewlers, drops his pants and begins fingering his bum. The assistant yells "Piss off you old dirty *******!"
The Hobo snarls and points to a sign outside which reads;
COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING AND RECIEVE A FREE GIFT!


A man and young son go to stock sale yards. Young son sees another man rubbing a cow up and down, he asks dad what he is doing. Dad says he is checking the cow over before he buys it. Little boy starts to cry and says to dad, "I think the man next door wants to buy mummy."


After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her.
She said; "Explain the dildo, fool!"
He said; "Explain the kids, bitch!"


Hillbilly couple are walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her eyes out. Husband says,'For ****'s sake, stop cryin'. You're still my sister!'


This one is so wrong but for some reason, as gross as it is, still makes me laugh... shocking as it sounds...

Had a wank over me ex girlfriend last night...
I know it's wrong but I still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper.

0.0

Another txt Lisa sent me;
Hey... do me a favour and txt me right back. Just say hi or something! My mates don't believe retards can txt! You'll show those ****ers!


What's the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 & 68?
At 8 - you take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - you tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid taking her to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be some ****in' story!


A man hit a deer with his car and decided to take it home for dinner. He told his wife to see if his two children could guess what type of meat it was. He gave them one clue and said it was what mummy calls daddy. The daughter said to her brother 'Spit it out, it's an asshole.'


A man gets home to find his girlfriend packing.
"I'm leaving! I just found out you were a paedophile!"
"Wooooh!" he said, "That's a big word for a 10 year old!"


Someone just called the radio and said there was a retard running down the street in **** stained underwear! Where the **** are you going? Call me if you need a ride...


Sometimes when you cry nobody sees your tears. When in despair nobody sees your pain. When you're happy nobody sees you smile...
But just try masturbating on a bus, you wouldn't believe the ****ing attention you get!!
P.S. Can you pick me up from the Police Station in about an hour?

I know, disturbing, isn't it? XD
 
o_O that is just wrong man I SWEAR!!!

Ok well here's two from my father (from Mex.).

There are two guys from Mexico. Real good best friends. They've been through a lot and they've helped eachother. Well they had an idea to go to America. So they bought this booklet with a lot of info on animal/ in the desert. You know, like how to cure certain poisoun and venom etc. Well they crossed the border and they were in the desert. So night falls and they make a fire. So all of a sudden one of the guys starts yelling and wakes his friend up. So he tells him, AAA!!!! I got stung my a scorpion on my dick, check what it says on how to cure it. So his friend looks for the cure and it says that you have to suck out the poison. So the best friend then tells: "Hey man it says their no cure!!"


Ok the other deal with Dracula. Well he has a son and he is gay. So Dracula takes his son out to get blood. So they find someone and Dracula tells his son what he has to do to get blood. So he suck the victums blood. Then the son goes and finds his victum....which is a guy. So he starts sucking his dick. Then Dracula comes to his son and says: SON!!!!!!! you don't suck from there!!!! and his son replys with a lie: I'm using a straw!!!!!

Good I shook!!!
 
some of the very many i can remember from school...

How do you fit 4 prostitutes on a stool?
Turn it upside down

How does a prostitute know shes had a good night?
She throws her knickers against the wall and they stick

How many retards does it take to change a light bulb?
Whats a light bulb!

How many spastics can you fit in a car?
2 in the front, 3 in the back and one on top going "neenar neenar nenear"

A man has gone fishing every sunday for as long as he can remember, he gets up, gets dressed and puts his gear in the car. When he opens the garage door he sees that the weather is terrible. So for the first time in as long as he can remember he goes back upstairs and climbs back into bed, as he does so he turned to his wife and says "the weather is terrible". His wife replies "I know and my husbands out fishing in that"
 
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs.
Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."


What's the difference between a Mercedes Benz and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Mercedes Benz in my garage.
 
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
 
Haha, I am loving this thread. If only we could rate each thread with five stars or so.

Ok, I'm going to abuse the the tastelss jokes thread in this post, so again, it's not for the not-so-easy-to-offend.

What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties

How many babies does it take to paint a room?
It Depends on how hard you throw them

Two brothers are opening presents at Christmas. The younger brother has 20 presents and the older one only has one. The younger brother says to the older one, "Haha, I have 20 presents you only have one!" The older brother replies "Haha, you have cancer."

How do you torcher a blind person?
Give them a cheese grater and tell them to read it

What the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes?
Princess Diana wouldnt be caught dead in a Volvo

Why did Hitler really kill himself?
He saw the gas bill
 

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