Tasteless jokes thread (for the not-so-easy to offend)
- Thread starter Ravynlee
- Start date
Devilsnight2003
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2009
- Location
- Bristol, UK
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry
What's the first definition of being cruel?
Sticking a dynamite under a wheelchair and tell the old person inside to leg it
What's the second definition of being cruel?
Chopping off a dogs legs and telling it to fetch
What's the first definition of being cheeky?
Throwing a brick through someones window and asking for it back
What's the second definition of being cheeky?
Pissing through someones letter box and asking how far it went
What does FIAT stand for?
Fix It Again Tomorrow
What's green and turns red at a flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidizer
What's red and turns brown?
The same frog a week later
Cash and carry
What's the first definition of being cruel?
Sticking a dynamite under a wheelchair and tell the old person inside to leg it
What's the second definition of being cruel?
Chopping off a dogs legs and telling it to fetch
What's the first definition of being cheeky?
Throwing a brick through someones window and asking for it back
What's the second definition of being cheeky?
Pissing through someones letter box and asking how far it went
What does FIAT stand for?
Fix It Again Tomorrow
What's green and turns red at a flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidizer
What's red and turns brown?
The same frog a week later
woodyloveslinkin
aka Gloomy Mushroom
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2004
- Location
- Lithgow Australia
What does FORD stand for?
Fixed On Race Day or Found On Rubbish Dump.
I love these jokes.
Fixed On Race Day or Found On Rubbish Dump.
I love these jokes.
speedthief
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2009
- Location
- Singapore
i thought of this:
What is USA?
United States of Asshole
not so funny right!
What is USA?
United States of Asshole
not so funny right!
woodyloveslinkin
aka Gloomy Mushroom
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2004
- Location
- Lithgow Australia
Something I got off Chaser's War on Everything, three songs:
The White Stripes - Now My Clothes Are Pink
Click for video
I was washing,
I did the laundry by myself,
I had all these red and white clothes of mine,
And all Meg's gear as well,
I put a load on,
But not once did I pause to think,
I forgot to seperate whites from red,
And now all my clothes are pink,
Well it's 1, 2, 3, 4,
Looking kinda nancy,
Now my clothes are pink,
I'm feelin' like a pansy,
All my rockstar cred is down the sink,
And it's 4, 5, 6, 7,
Who's a sissy fella?
I'll never score again with Renée Zellweger,
Oh, God, even my hat is coloured pink!
Stairway To Kevin
Click for video
Theres a country that knows,
That Howard's on the nose,
So they're climbing a stairway... to Kevin
We'll all back this new twerp,
With his smug nerdy smirk,
Who needs Facebook and Myspace,
To find friends.
He'll win your hearts with tacky t-shirts,
Join the team now,
It's ALP USA Style,
He'll distance himself from the unions,
He don't like boys clubs,
He only likes clubs with strippers.
When he gets drunk on rum and gin,
He can't recall a single thing,
And though he speaks good Mandarin,
He's much more fluent speaking spin.
He's got no economic plan,
But he can dance with Kerri-Anne,
And fake the dawn in Vietnam,
And be less violent than Latham,
And he's more vain than Gough Whitlam,
And we're climbing a stairway... to Kevin.
The Eulogy Song
Click for video
My great grand father died this week.
I couldn’t stand him actually, nobody could.
But as soon as he passed away everybody went around saying what a top bloke he was, so..
I’d like to dedicate this song to you, Gramps.
He was very hard of hearing,
He was dull and domineering,
Misogynist, cantankerous, and vain.
He hit the bottle every night,
He hit my grandma out of spite,
And those stories about his bunions were a pain!
But all that’s now forgotten,
Once he took his final breath.
Yes even *****s turn into top blokes after death.
You don’t believe me?
Allow me to furnish you with a few examples...
Steve Irwin lived in khaki,
A cartoon kamikaze,
Who taunted crocs and tots so frequently.
And Brocky was some revhead,
Who pumped the air with pure lead,
So anti-green he drove into a tree.
But all that was forgotten,
Once they took their final breath.
Yes even tools turn into top blokes after death.
John Lennon chose the hippy life,
He chose some nutbag for a wife,
His songs were never quite as good as Paul’s.
Jeff Buckley fooled all lovers,
Just one album, mostly covers,
More wailing than Japan does off our shores.
But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even wankers turn into top blokes after death.
Princess Di was just a slut for sex,
When they looked in the car wreck,
Her dress was wet with Arab semen stains.
Stan Zemanek was a racist jock,
A fatso xenophobic ****,
Whose views were more malignant than his brain.
But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even arseholes turn into top blokes after death.
It’s not how they lived that counts,
But how we rewrite the book.
When it comes to truth it’s best to use restraint.
It pays to throw away the facts,
And have a rose coloured look.
When he dies, Martin Bryant will look a saint.
Don Bradman was a total farce,
A grumpy, greedy tired arse,
Who couldn’t even score one run last time he played.
Kerry Packer was a brothel chief,
A tax cheat and a kidney thief.
And procreating Jamie was the worst mistake he made!
But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even [bleeped out] turn into top blokes after death.
Belinda Emmett was a... [The other Chaser guys stop him]
Yes, remember all will be forgotten,
Once we take our final breath..
Yes even pervert mother****ers,
Even rampant child-abusers,
Even local Baghdad looters,
Even baby bunny rooters,
Even reckless drunken drivers,
Even rodent sperm imbibers,
Even violent poofter bashers,
Even public penis flashers,
Even rotting corpse molesters,
Even human piss ingesters,
Even tiny kitten kickers,
Even anal finger lickers,
Even Anna ‘bloody’ Coren,
Yes even she will be a top bloke after death.
p.s. The White Stripes song they were ripping off was Hotel Yorba, that's why I found it funny, Stairway to Kevin is pointed to Kevin Rudd our new PM. Apologies for the Eulogy Song, I had to post it! And yeah, most non-Australians won't get it.
The White Stripes - Now My Clothes Are Pink
Click for video
I was washing,
I did the laundry by myself,
I had all these red and white clothes of mine,
And all Meg's gear as well,
I put a load on,
But not once did I pause to think,
I forgot to seperate whites from red,
And now all my clothes are pink,
Well it's 1, 2, 3, 4,
Looking kinda nancy,
Now my clothes are pink,
I'm feelin' like a pansy,
All my rockstar cred is down the sink,
And it's 4, 5, 6, 7,
Who's a sissy fella?
I'll never score again with Renée Zellweger,
Oh, God, even my hat is coloured pink!
Stairway To Kevin
Click for video
Theres a country that knows,
That Howard's on the nose,
So they're climbing a stairway... to Kevin
We'll all back this new twerp,
With his smug nerdy smirk,
Who needs Facebook and Myspace,
To find friends.
He'll win your hearts with tacky t-shirts,
Join the team now,
It's ALP USA Style,
He'll distance himself from the unions,
He don't like boys clubs,
He only likes clubs with strippers.
When he gets drunk on rum and gin,
He can't recall a single thing,
And though he speaks good Mandarin,
He's much more fluent speaking spin.
He's got no economic plan,
But he can dance with Kerri-Anne,
And fake the dawn in Vietnam,
And be less violent than Latham,
And he's more vain than Gough Whitlam,
And we're climbing a stairway... to Kevin.
The Eulogy Song
Click for video
My great grand father died this week.
I couldn’t stand him actually, nobody could.
But as soon as he passed away everybody went around saying what a top bloke he was, so..
I’d like to dedicate this song to you, Gramps.
He was very hard of hearing,
He was dull and domineering,
Misogynist, cantankerous, and vain.
He hit the bottle every night,
He hit my grandma out of spite,
And those stories about his bunions were a pain!
But all that’s now forgotten,
Once he took his final breath.
Yes even *****s turn into top blokes after death.
You don’t believe me?
Allow me to furnish you with a few examples...
Steve Irwin lived in khaki,
A cartoon kamikaze,
Who taunted crocs and tots so frequently.
And Brocky was some revhead,
Who pumped the air with pure lead,
So anti-green he drove into a tree.
But all that was forgotten,
Once they took their final breath.
Yes even tools turn into top blokes after death.
John Lennon chose the hippy life,
He chose some nutbag for a wife,
His songs were never quite as good as Paul’s.
Jeff Buckley fooled all lovers,
Just one album, mostly covers,
More wailing than Japan does off our shores.
But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even wankers turn into top blokes after death.
Princess Di was just a slut for sex,
When they looked in the car wreck,
Her dress was wet with Arab semen stains.
Stan Zemanek was a racist jock,
A fatso xenophobic ****,
Whose views were more malignant than his brain.
But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even arseholes turn into top blokes after death.
It’s not how they lived that counts,
But how we rewrite the book.
When it comes to truth it’s best to use restraint.
It pays to throw away the facts,
And have a rose coloured look.
When he dies, Martin Bryant will look a saint.
Don Bradman was a total farce,
A grumpy, greedy tired arse,
Who couldn’t even score one run last time he played.
Kerry Packer was a brothel chief,
A tax cheat and a kidney thief.
And procreating Jamie was the worst mistake he made!
But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even [bleeped out] turn into top blokes after death.
Belinda Emmett was a... [The other Chaser guys stop him]
Yes, remember all will be forgotten,
Once we take our final breath..
Yes even pervert mother****ers,
Even rampant child-abusers,
Even local Baghdad looters,
Even baby bunny rooters,
Even reckless drunken drivers,
Even rodent sperm imbibers,
Even violent poofter bashers,
Even public penis flashers,
Even rotting corpse molesters,
Even human piss ingesters,
Even tiny kitten kickers,
Even anal finger lickers,
Even Anna ‘bloody’ Coren,
Yes even she will be a top bloke after death.
p.s. The White Stripes song they were ripping off was Hotel Yorba, that's why I found it funny, Stairway to Kevin is pointed to Kevin Rudd our new PM. Apologies for the Eulogy Song, I had to post it! And yeah, most non-Australians won't get it.