The 'How You Feelin'' thread v6.0

[woodyloveslinkin]

Ok so I went to the doctor's today and they said they were going to x-ray my knee and take blood samples. He said he suspects an early onset of athritis or failing that the worse ******* pain someone can endure, rheumatoid athritis.>.< nooo! I read about that the other day in one of Marie's medical dictionary (had some interesting **** in there). But he said without the blood tests or the x-rays he wouldn't know and he ruled out ligament/tendon/cartliage damage. ****.

 

[Ravynlee]

My best friend has rhuematoid arthritis, lupus and a whole bunch of other stuff, and I've been there on her bad days when her joints are so locked she can't get out of bed - it's awful. I only have premature stages of arthritis and carpal tunnel in both wrists which means my hands go numb sometimes and especially when I grip anything too tight or when I'm sleeping, that sucks, but I guess I can't complain, it's a lifetime of physical work, continual drawing, painting and writing that's screwed me over, that and in part it's all genetic, diet, environment, past self-abuse etc.

My joints have been giving me **** for weeks now but I refuse to see a doctor about it. I'm too damned stubborn sometimes as most ppl who know me agree - even when it comes to my health. I'll live with the pain than be a dramaqueen or generally wait until I feel my 'pain is justified' which usually annoys my doctor, but better that than be one of those hypocondriacs that clog the health system just to get some attention I say.

Plus costs too much money. Being sick doesn't pay the bills, right?

Me, am feeling a bit... I dunno. I'm tempted to say anxious and empty but I don't 1) want to go into details as to why and 2) know what that all translates to. Was writing on and off last couple of hours but then my logical mind got in the way again and derailed my train of thought. Hate when that happens! I feel like I've wasted my day! I HATE feeling like this! *groans*

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

I'm so **** angry at both Matt and Penny right now. Penny - for opening her mouth to Matt and Matt for telling me what he did on msn. I know in some eyes it's not a big deal but I'm fuming mad over it, the timing and the presentation. I know it was the truth but pick your timing, seriously. He had to gatecrash such a lovely role-play between me and ravyn and at the moment currently ranting about it to Jen about it. The last thing I said to Matt was that, I never wanted to ******* speak to Penny or him. And that's when I was begged by a certain somebody to spill out and I just cracked. I turned my computer by its button and cried myself to sleep.

 

[Ravynlee]

Well, it was fun, yes. Always is. Thanks

And unless you tell me what's wrong I can't help you - and by help I mean console you. Anyway.

Feeling a bit bummed myself actually. Just got notice to vacate premises at end of lease, so in about 5 weeks or so I have to move again. Great. I'm not financially or physically ready for this. I don't think I can afford rents as they stand these days on my own and I don't want to move in to an already-established house. Plus am working a casual job (mostly full time hours, but don't get penalties or perks) and in 5 weeks that's not going to cover the cost of bond, two lots of rent, moving, cleaning and so on.

Man... I almost want to cry right now.

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

I feel proud of myself. I moved my **** and wrote some Bourdon tragedies and by that I mean Another Way to Die. See! This is what two back-to-back days of role playing does to me!

 

[Ravynlee]

I love those role playing games - at least for the purposes of writing - and it's good to get some emotions up off my chest. I can relate to actors in that reguard. Was almost inspired to write something completely different in regards to the family after that, not different just a different direction from where I was writing from already. I guess I get really inspired during those chats...

Hmm.

How am I feeling? Good cause I just got off the phone with my mum. Bad cause the reality of having to pack up again is really setting in. Sounds simple sure but I live alone remember? *sigh*

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

**** we had a civil one going when my computer decided to turn itself off twice.

How am I? Well quarter to two in the morning waiting for Matt to come on, moshing to Tool to past time. Ahh, Maynard, second most favoured musician <3 I'm considering to write some more AWTD to pass the time.

 

[Sponge]

Frusturated and really mad at my father. I gotta go to work on the weekends. I also have school on Mon. and Wed. but i gotta do the work at my own time. But that is a problem because i also have to take some tiles of the floor and take some **** tar or glue or whatever that **** is. It's hot to touch and i like burned almost all my hands. And my dad is becoming annoying cuz he repeats every **** thing he says. I mean HE thinks he knows what I'm going through. But he doesn't cuz he never went to school. He enters work like 3 or 4 in the morning then comes out 8 hours later. I got the same thing but school and the **** I'm doing at my house.......they still have it hard in my opinion.

 

[Ravynlee]

**** we had a civil one going when my computer decided to turn itself off twice.
How am I? Well quarter to two in the morning waiting for Matt to come on, moshing to Tool to past time. Ahh, Maynard, second most favoured musician <3 I'm considering to write some more AWTD to pass the time.

Evidentally the powers-that-be 'like' it when we argue or so it seems. No matter. Is always a fun way to kill time and all.
Me, feeling antsy now. Work in a few hours. Plus it's raining and cold and miserable outside (almost feels like Autumn already! I LOVE Autumn!) but I know depending on the weather it can get real **** busy at work or not, especially during weather like this. Joints are aching now though so that part sucks. Also time to start the wheels in motion regarding this move. Now telling everyone and physically organising it makes it 'real' now and not some abstract idea. Had a hard time getting to sleep last night thinking about it all. Usually all I'm thinking about pre-sleep is stories (or processing whatever book I just read) but not last night. Having said that I actually had a dream about good old Robbie boy like I hadn't had in a ****** long time, that was nice. A nice reprieve from reality anyway

Aside from all that, am feeling just anxious. Like waiting at the station for a bus to arrive but worried now whether I've left the stove on at home or not - that kind of feeling.

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

*yawns* so **** tired. I nearly talked to Matt until 6 am, man, put us in a room together and we can talk our little immature heads off (despite the fact he's 2 yrs older than me) about anything under the sun; our problems, stuff about the world wars, the fact that Australia wasn't the one to declare war on Germany in WW2 (grrr...)e. Someone told him that it had started in 1940 I was like.... no..1939-1945 cos you know how I know? a) Hitler came to political power in 1932 and b) I listen to too much of my Dad's historical ranting. Get him started on one historical event and he can go like a Zortec...(lol).

There's more talk of me going over there (Bristol, England) but I'm still a bit iffy about it, unsure. I know he's spending Christmas with my family that's all I know, cos Owen probs won't have him over at Christmas so I said I'll talk to Mum about it. I mean, like I'll have him over and stuff cos I know his family isn't going to be around for Christmas so that's why I offered. But me going to England right now? ...still a bit uncomftable with idea right now. I mean, sure later would be great (I really want to shop in London's shoe shops ).

Gotta now check LPA. Probs a whole heap of profile messages waiting for me, usually from either Penny, Matt, Daniel or Vasiab

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

I got my hair dyed orange today and no more long fringe, it's just a short fluffy one which was cut too short lol xD

 

[Ravynlee]

Good actually. Started packing earlier before work, got some done. I like that feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day when you've got something to show for it. Plus, I like this cold miserable weather so I'm happy

 

[MrsBennington-Delson]

I'm good. Not sure what to do bout LPF tho since I'm not really posting anymore lol

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

Me so tired....

 

[LPNailz]

******* it evey time I start feelling happy, humanity comes along and ****** me off.

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

^ I know the feeling. Just as I fell asleep Matt IMed me and then I accidentally logged outta MSN. That was after I hit the 'sleep' button on my computer. Ugh.

 

[LPNailz]

Sigh. Another potential concert kiboshed. Shinedown is going to be just two hours away, but it's too late at night - Mom doesn't want to have to drive back so late. I think she might've gone for it, too, if it hadn't been for that...

So I'm kind of down, though it's not as bad as getting hyped up about the NIN show for two days and then getting the red X.

 

[Blue Sky Turtles]

Miserable. That's about how I feel in one word.

 

[woodyloveslinkin]

Anxious. Waiting for Rav and Matt come on either AIM or MSN. But on another hand, I lolled my **** off at Kath and Kim and another John Cleese classic episode of Fawlty Towers. I saw the girl that plays Kim in a magazine today (amen to my love of gossip magazines lol) and the chick who plays Sharon (Magda Szubenski) and *** they both different in real life. Which prompts me to think, taking into consideration the topic of last night's convo with Rav, why would you name your kid Effeny-Grey? Weird. I still like Blossom as a girls name *pouts*.

 

[Ravynlee]

Am feelin' peeved that my earlier reply to Sarah's story was 'lost' by my computer throwing a hissy fit. Another rant now lost to the ages, never to be known by another soul. Oh well, I tried.

Actually all jokes aside, I'm actually feeling a bit down. I guess it's natural. Feel a bit sorry for myself, I guess because in the grand scheme of things I'm not happy with myself, either who I am as a person or where I am in my life right about now. It's that time of year to get self-reflective and basically I don't like what I see. Generally when I get in this mood I'd just drown it out with alcohol but I'm wiser now, knowing that there's no real benefit to be had from that, just the murder of braincells that I need to cling to in order to save any hope of writing in the near future.

As anyone who knows me would know, when I get this way or upset or mad I just shut-down, that proverbial wall goes up and I'll just internalise everything, I won't tell anyone at all. The longer the silence the bigger the mood behind it. I can keep big secrets too well and never tell a soul. I'd like to call it independance but really, it's a self-defence mechanism. I like to act tough but I'm not. Sis knows, when I'm quiet something's wrong (okay, more quiet than usual). Problem is I don't know what's 'wrong.' I think without being too self-critical I just feel like a failure. I have nothing to show for myself and no immediate prospects of that changing. Don't know why, I've lived 8 years longer than most people in my family ever thought I would, and 33 now longer than I was medically supposed to. Just wondering what the sheer point any of that 'is' ?

I have a computer screen to talk to but no one to really listen.

Also thinking this blue mood will pass in a few days (two, to be exact, a week at the most) but right now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'll kick myself for this later and probably delete this post, chalking it down to a knee-jerk moment of vulnerability, but for now...