joke of the day.

[ImWithStupid]

A man is sitting in a bar in Texas, when Barack Obama comes on TV.



The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass!"



Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.



He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.




Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"



Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.



He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it you all really respect Obama around here?"



"Nope." replies the bartender. "We really respect horses around here!"

 

[Old Salt]

A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

"Lard ass."

 

[Old Salt]

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered ...

(Scroll down - This is great)







'THE TEETH.'

 

[Old Salt]

That's How the Fight Started...


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said..

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....



My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

 

[Old Salt]

HEALTLH INSURANCE EXPLAINED

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A.. This is actually a variation of the phrase, ?HEY MOE.? Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.


Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don?t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day?s drive away and a diploma from a third world country..



Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.



Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don?t require any treatment.



Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You?ll need to find alternative forms of payment.



Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.



Q. What if I?m away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn?t do that.



Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you?re risking is the $20 co-payment, there?s no harm in giving it a shot.



Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about medical insurance

 

[RoyalOrleans]

What did Michael Jackson and Ed McMahon get for Christmas?








Patrick Swayze

 

[Old Salt]

I usually use a spray deodorant, but I bought a deodorant stick today. I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom' My ass is sore as hell at the moment, but my farts sure smell good!!!

 

[Old Salt]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker Dude are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again,
with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
I pretty much vote this my favorite email of the year....

p.s. this can happen after all of our troops are back home.

 

[Old Salt]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my a ." Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more a this month, I'm going to lose my car."

 

[Old Salt]

Cure for constipation

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore

If that doesn't scare the sh!t out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing a public service.

 

[Old Salt]

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care



While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.



So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.



I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!

 

[Old Salt]

Navy Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

 

[snafu]

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care



While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.



So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.



I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!

OK that's funny cause it's true.

 

[snafu]

Navy Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

You can't out smart a Chief.

 

[Old Salt]

The Tax Poem

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!


Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore...

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me
to my doom...'

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Death Tax
Dog License Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment (UI)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Gasoline Tax ( too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Hunting License Tax
Hydro Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Property Tax
Provincial Income Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Federal Tax
Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middleclass, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the hell happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'

And I still have to 'press 1' for English!?!?!?!?

 

[Old Salt]

A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 

[Old Salt]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee.

"The waiter says, ?Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says "Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, and leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

 

[Old Salt]

Question:

What do you get when you mix a GPS with PMS?

Answer:

A crazy bitch who will find you!

 

[Old Salt]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...

"She was just a Weeee bit,not that you could hardly tell...

pregnant when you met her"

 

[Old Salt]

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, 'Ass Holes!'

There was a short pitch on National Health Care by Obama, immediately followed by the Iranian National Anthem, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this truck!