joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

San Francisco Examiner
May 21, 2009

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

?Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.?

 

[RoyalOrleans]

An old Georgia boy turns to his friend and says, "Danny, you know my wife threatened to cut me off if I went to this tailgate party."

The old Georgia boy's friend replies, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!" says the old Georgia boy, "I ain't worried."

"Why not?" asks the old Georgia boy's friend.

"Well..." says the old Georgia boy, "She has to find out where I've been getting it first."

 

[Old Salt]

Heart warmer?

Every once in a while you receive a cute e-mail that warms your heart and you
just want to pass it along.

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a
little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of
whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the fu -k do you think?!"

 

[Old Salt]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d--k off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

 

[Old Salt]

Who the hell is 'Larry'?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?!? She said, shaking her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

 

[Old Salt]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, ?Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night.........

Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

[Old Salt]

Some time this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or

2 going to ball games, or

3 spending it on prostitutes, or

4 beer or

5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I meet at a yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!

 

[Old Salt]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.

Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Jad en grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.'


So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh!t.

 

[eddo]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."



That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 

[Old Salt]

Doug walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Doug says, "John, what are you so happy about? "Well Doug, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me, **** out to here, Doug. **** out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Doug. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim,' She couldn't swim, Doug. She couldn'T swim!"

The next day Doug walks into the bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Doug says, "What are you happy about today John?" "Well Doug.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... **** out to here, Doug. **** out to here! She said, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Doug. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Doug! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Doug walks into the bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Doug says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Doug, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...**** WAY out to here, Doug. **** way out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Doug, way WAY out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her **** and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and..... She had a pecker, Doug! She had this great BIG pecker, and ya know I can't swim Doug! I can't swim!"

 

[Old Salt]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[RegisteredAndEducated]

PETA wishes Obama hadn't swatted that fly

Thu Jun 18, 7:28 am ET
WASHINGTON ? The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he's bedeviled by a fly in the White House.

PETA is sending President Barack Obama a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside.

"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

During an interview for CNBC at the White House on Tuesday, a fly intruded on Obama's conversation with correspondent John Harwood.

"Get out of here," the president told the pesky insect. When it didn't, he waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smacked it dead.

"Now, where were we?" Obama asked Harwood. Then he added: "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker."

Friedrich said that PETA was pleased with Obama's voting record in the Senate on behalf of animal rights and noted that he has been outspoken against animal abuses.

Still, "swatting a fly on TV indicates he's not perfect," Friedrich said, "and we're happy to say that we wish he hadn't."

Deputy press secretary Josh Earnest said the White House has no comment on the matter.


What's sad is this is true and not really a joke.

PETA would HATE my windshield... I do live in South West Georgia... Below the gnat line.

 

[Old Salt]

THE COWBOY

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I?ll kick the $! %! out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago?.....'

 

[Old Salt]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. - - - - - - -

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"



The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

[Old Salt]

Bumper stickers seen on a Marine Corps Base:

?U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club"

?Water-boarding is out so kill them all!"

"Interrogators can't water board dead guys"

?U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents to Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine"

"Naval Corollary; Dead men don't testify"

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles at Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? ... A little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity to Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- USN Gun Fire Support"

"Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So What Do They Talk About?"

"My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.?

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem."
- Ronald Reagan

 

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

This is my oldest son Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'

Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Khalid. He would have been 21.'

Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18, she whispers.

Yes, says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

He's a martyr also, says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

They blow up so fast, don't they...?'

 

[Old Salt]

Andy Rooney on Women Over 40

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, ?What are you thinking?? She doesn?t care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn?t want to watch the game, she doesn?t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it?s usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she?s doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won?t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it?s like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn?t trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn?t care less if you?re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won?t betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They?ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don?t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it?s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, and men I apologize.

For all those men who say, ?Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?, here?s an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it?s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

 

[Old Salt]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.


"May I help you sir?" she asked.


The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."


Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.


Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, the man calmly left.


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.


Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.


"There are no discounts... The price is still $5000."


Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, he left.



The following night the man was there yet again.


Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.


After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.


Where are you from?"


The man replied, "New Brunswick."


"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."


"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:



1. Death



2. Taxes



3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

 

[ImWithStupid]

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because yotu have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii ' so I can
ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a
woman truly happy..'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

 

[RegisteredAndEducated]

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because yotu have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii ' so I can
ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a
woman truly happy..'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Heard it before, but put a very different way. No less funny!