joke of the day.

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says..

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice, so I just switched their heads."
 
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . ..

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
 
Not For The"Meek" Of Stomack Or Mind This was sent to me by a Friend and I am in tears in the office trying not
to laugh to loud!!
Texas Chili Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named F rank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite.Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -faced from all
of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT...
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone.

C HILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing
it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going
to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
 
A woman was very distraught that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the expertise of a sex therapist.

Her regular physician recommended the well known Chinese sex therapist - Dr, Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said " OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told. " Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again, she did as instructed. " OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said " Your probrem very bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you not haf dates or sex."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, " Oh my God Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, " That when your face rook ed zachary rike your a$$!"
 
HEY LITTLE GIRL WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks AND a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad, You're the one who bought the f...in' Honda instead of a Harley, YOU RIDE IT!"
 
Jim and Mary were both patients at a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end and promptly sank to the bottom. Mary immediately jumped in, swam to the bottom, and pulled Jim out.

When the Medical Director of the hospital heard of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said - " Mary, I have some good news, and some bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied " OH, he didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry!"
 
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."
 
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut),
people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to
have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents
said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
 
A little old lady, well into her seventies, slowly enters the door of an erotic sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily walks across the floor to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter she grabs it for support and asks the clerk :
" Dddoo youu hhave dddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
" Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry several models."
The old woman then asks," Dddoo youu hhave aa pppink onne, ttennn inchhess
lllong aand aabbboutt ttwo inchhess thththiickkk?"
The clerk responds, " Yes we do."
"Cccann YYouuu ttttell mme hhhoww ttto tttturrnn tthe dddammnn ttthhinngg offff?"
 
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, " Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The minister shouted out " CROSS.", and the congregation began singing 'The Old Rugged Cross'.
The minister next shouted out " GRACE.", and they began singing 'Amazing Grace'.
Next, the minister shouted out " POWER.", and the congregation began singing 'There is Power in the Blood'.
Then the minister shouted out " SEX.", and the whole congregation fell totally silent!
Everyone was in shock,and they began looking at each other wondering what to do.
Then all of a sudden, in the back of the church, an 87 year old grandmother began to sing 'Precious Memories'!
 
A guy calls his buddy--a horse rancher--and says he's sending a guy over looking to buy a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.


'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.



'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and lets him drop to the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. Perhapth I should wephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
 
UCLA STUDY ( VERY INTERESTING & SHORT )

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
 
The Anatomy of a Cow

First year students at Texas A&M Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all huddle around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.. The professor started by telling them. ?In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.? ?The first is that you are not to be disgusted by anything involving an animal body.?

As an example the doctor pulled the sheet back from over the cow stuck his middle finger in the butt of the animal, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

?Go ahead and now each of you do it? he told his students. The students FREAKED OUT! Hesitating for several minutes they eventually took turns. Each of them stuck their finger in the animals butt and then sucked on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ?The second most important quality is observation.? I stuck my middle finger in the cow and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Life?s tough, and its even tougher if you are stupid.
 
There's this guy who's in the market for a new motorcycle. He's always wanted a nice big hog,so he shops around, answering ads in the paper, but not having much luck.

One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find it in mint condition! He talks with the owner and agrees on the price, then asks, " This thing is perfect - how do you keep it in such great shape?"

"Well," the seller says," It's pretty simple. Just make sure if the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, I won't need my tube anymore so you can have it."

That night he decides to ride his new bike to his girlfriends house. It's his first time meeting her parents and they have invited him to dinner. Naturally, he wants to make a good impression.

When he gets to his girlfriend's house, she's waiting for him outside and says, " I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner - we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything has to wash the dishes."

"No problem." he says, and in they go. The boyfriend is astounded! There are piles of dirty dishes everywhere! In the living room, in the hallway, on the stairs! In fact, everywhere he looks there are piles of dishes!

As the dinner progresses, no one says a word. He decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses and fondles his girlfriend - silence. He then stands up, grabs the girl, throws her on the table, and proceeds to have his way right there! Silence.
"Her mom's kinda cute." he thinks, so next he grabs her and proceeds to ravage her right there on the table too!

Again - total silence!

Then a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain, so he stands up and pulls the tube of vaseline out of his pocket.

Suddenly the father jumps up and shouts - " All right, all right, I'll do the damn dishes!"
 
Men's Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, !"

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
(My apologies if this has been done before)

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.



'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
 
ImWithStupid said:
I don't know if it has, but I refuse to accept your apology anyway. Humph!

<arms crossed, pouty face>

Don't be a hater!!!!

Here, you have male chauvinist tendencies....this one's for you!:



What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?

Nice ****.
 
After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed and he begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly", she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all", she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?", he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!", she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.



She whispers in his ear, ------- "That's me before the surgery."
 
I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
 
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