joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A man's voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.

"NO sh t." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

 

[Old Salt]

GROANER ALERT!!!!!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[Old Salt]

Grandparents Answering Machine...

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.

<<<beeeeeppp>>>.

- If you are one of our children, press 1
- If you need us to stay with the grandchildren, press 2
- If you want to borrow the car, press 3
- If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 4
- If you want us to pick up the grandchildren at school, press 5
- If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 6
- If you want to come to eat here, press 7
- If you need money, press 8
- If you are going to invite us over for dinner, or ... return what you borrowed, or ... pay us back some of what you owe us -- start talking; we're listening!!"

 

[Old Salt]

Google Earth

Give this a try. It's truly amazing

Check out the link below. I was shocked to find EXACTLY where I am right now on Google Earth
...NOT a house or street,
But where I AM right now !
It's really unbelievable, and will find the exact location of any Internet user in a second, using a sophisticated algorithm
To do so.


http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html

 

[Old Salt]

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."


She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and their paying their own way."

 

[Old Salt]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old orange Kubota tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[Don't make me come explain this you. Read the last line again slowly and out loud]

 

[Old Salt]

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do. They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk ?
The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

 

[Old Salt]

WARNING - Politically Incorrect and Totally Insensitive - WARNING

1. In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

2. One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.

3. I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

4. A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Lufkin, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

5. You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

6. A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."

7. I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

8. Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******.”

9.The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

 

[Old Salt]

A true story from ... "The Houston Herald Newspaper" Houston, Texas



Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas, was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man six times in the back as he was running away with her purse.



The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions.



The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work... I am a waitress at a local cafe..... I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol that was in my purse that was hung over my left shoulder.



All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No Way Punk! You’re not stealing my pay check and tips..."



I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol six times!



When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man six times?



The woman replied under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went 'click.'"



The woman was acquitted of all charges. And she was back at work, at the cafe, the next day!



Now that's gun control ... In God We Trust (and Smith and Wesson).

 

[Old Salt]

An interesting observation:

1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 

[Old Salt]

Instructions if your mouse was not recalibrated for the new year.


You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer. I was shocked to see how well this works!


To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g. If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse.


Y ou dumb ass. You'll believe anythin g


I'M SURE YOU WILL ALSO RECOMMEND THIS ALONG TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW WELL IT WORKS.......................

 

[Old Salt]

Maxine took her car to her mechanic.

She told him 'Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! It never happens when I am driving alone'.

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, 'OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is.' Off they went.

She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in Pedestrian Crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a Policeman on street traffic duty. Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, 'There it is now... there's that terrible smell! Can you smell it?'

'Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it!!

 

[Old Salt]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on
the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to
worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She
immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering,
is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"




"His earrings aren't real gold."

 

[Old Salt]

SAILORISMS

Me and Willy were lollygagging by the scuttlebutt after being aloft to
boy-butter up the antennas and were just perched on a bollard eyeballing
a couple of bilge rats and flangeheads using crescent hammers to pack
monkey sh t around a fitting on a handybilly. All of a sudden the dicksmith started hard-assing one of the deck apes
for lifting his pogey bait. The pecker-checker was a sewer pipe sailor
and the deckape was a gator. Maybe being blackshoes on a bird farm
surrounded by a gaggle of cans didn't set right with either of those
gobs. The deck ape ran through the nearest hatch and dogged it tight because
he knew the penis machinist was going to lay below, catch him between
decks and punch him in the snot locker. He'd probably wind up on the
binnacle list but Doc would find a way to gundeck the paper or give it
the deep six to keep himself above board. We heard the skivvywaver announce over the bitch box that the
breadburners had creamed foreskins on toast and SOS ready on the mess
decks so we cut and run to avoid the cluster**** when the twidgets and
cannon ****ers knew chow was on. We were balls to the wall for the barn and everyone was preparing to hit
the beach as soon as we doubled-up and threw the brow over. I had a
ditty bag full of fufu juice that I was gonna spread on thick for the
bar hogs with those sweet Bosnias. Sure beats the hell out of brown
bagging. Might even hit the acey-duecy club and try to hook up with a
Westpac widow. They were always leaving snail trails on the dance floor
on amateur night. If

you understand this, you're true blue and gold!

(UNKNOWN)

 

[builder]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F k him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

 

[Old Salt]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

( It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

 

[Old Salt]

There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:
One in office
One in prison.
Illinois already does this.

 

[Old Salt]

Etiquette for Rednecks:


GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. Do Not wear a "gimmee" cap on your head and also take your sunglasses off your head. Do NOT wear white socks. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt will create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks (not white) and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

[Old Salt]

ITS true,, I read it on the Internet and got it in an EMAIL,(Eziekiel's Means of Asking for Illegal Logins)




Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet
started, but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called....... Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load - but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by.... Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move
from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures.....Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's
business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for
insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as
it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot .....replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it
YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young.. Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as.... God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began. So now you know.

 

[Old Salt]

George Carlin

George Carlin on taking shits



There’s a lot of little phrases in the language that don’t say what they mean. Take a sh t is one. You don’t take a sh t, you leave a sh t. That’s the whole idea! To leave it!



George Carlin on TV



You can say wee-wee on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can wee-wee your finger, just don’t finger your wee-wee.



George Carlin on Pro-Lifers



Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to f in the first place?



George Carlin on Euphemisms for Death



...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”



George Carlin on Eating



I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”



George Carlin on His Motto



I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the mother****er.



George Carlin on Counting


There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.