joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

Custody

Dallas, TX (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree reasonably possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys professional football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[Old Salt]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks..

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you?

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"
Says the barman.

"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"
Replies the barman.

"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who
live in caravans?" says the duck.

Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...



"What the fu k would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

[Old Salt]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile

 

[builder]

Paddy and Seamus were on searchlight duty, looking out for Luftwaffe bombers. Paddy was getting bored shitless, so he suggested to Seamus that he climb out on the searchlight beam to get a better look around.

Seamus said, "Sure and all, and I'll get halfway up there, and you'll turn the bloody thing off."

 

[Old Salt]

(author unknown)

I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow
traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under
it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and it
must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I
really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it
was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel
should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal
lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches
before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind
legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little
eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you
gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"

The leap was nothing short of spectacular... He shot straight up, flew over my
windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.. Instantly, he set upon me.
If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies
along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a
frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding
gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of cause for concern. This furry little
tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential
street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed
for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his
tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike,
almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should
have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have.

The squirrel could have sailed into one of them pristinely kept yards and gone
on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the
wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry
squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my
gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, and
an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather
antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left
glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to
say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand
(the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a
healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on
the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. TORQUE. This is what the
Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and
the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie
screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at
maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one
wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel
are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to
put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not
want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet
figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I
did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive
power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention
to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of
death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure
my screaming changed intensely. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.
The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the
moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably
80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of
the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a
little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail
again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I
could. This time it worked...sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of...so to speak.

Picture a new scene... Your are a cop....You and your partner have pulled off on
a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some
paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving
at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder, roars by, and with
all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

... I heard screams.

... They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to
the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire
smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up
(and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two
things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me
at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car
were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a
crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop
who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot
shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They
often insist on "letting the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one
thing.

The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from
the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window,
shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a
patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his. I took a deep
breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street,
and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a
new pair of gloves...and a whole lot of Band-Aids.

 

[Old Salt]

Questions from a son . . .

A young Arab
asks his father:



What is this weird hat
that we are wearing?

Why, it's a "chechia" because
in the desert it protects our
heads from the sun!

And what is this type of
clothing that you are wearing?

It's a "djbellah" because
in the desert it is very hot and
it protects your body!

And what are these
ugly shoes that we
have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which
keep us from burning our
feet when in the desert!

Tell me Abba . . .

Yes my son?

Why are we living in
Dearborn, Michigan and you’re
still wearing all this goofy "stuff"?

 

[ImWithStupid]

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass...yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea.

"To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know ****?"...And then she went back to reading her book.

 

[Old Salt]

I met a girl at the park.


Sparks flew between us instantly, she fell at my feet and I made love to her.


I thought to myself, "These tazer guns are really worth the money!"

 

[ImWithStupid]

I went to my doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out ."



I said, "I think my pecker tastes funny..."

 

[Old Salt]

A beautiful young blonde New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

[Old Salt]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)












God replied: "Holy sh t! I didn't recognize you."

 

[Old Salt]

A guy goes to the Postal Service to apply for a job...


The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces, and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."


The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work-hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"


"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[Old Salt]

The Minnesota Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into
Minneapolis. For the first offense, they give you 2 Vikings tickets.

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Minnesota Vikings

Q. What do the Vikings and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "J#s#s Chr#st".

Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. An Imposter.

Q. What's the difference between the Minnesota Viking and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Minnesota Vikings does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows, it's never been done

Q. What do the Vikings and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

 

[Old Salt]

Q. What does a wrecked car and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?
A. Neither has a title!

Q. Why can’t Minnesota Viking players eat cereal for breakfast?
A. Whenever they get too close to a “bowl” they choke!

Q. Why doesn’t Iowa have a professional football team?
A. Then Minnesota would want one too!

Q. What’s the difference between the Pope and the Vikings?
A. The Pope does have a prayer.

Q. Why can’t the Viking players do the “Lambeau Leap” after a touchdown?
A. Because those empty seats kind of hurt!

A. What’s the smallest room in the Metrodome?
Q. The Minnesota Vikings trophy room!

Q. Wy do Packer fans always invite Viking fans to their parties?
A. Because we always like “whine” with our cheese!

Q. Why did the National Hockey League allow Minnesota to get a franchise?
A. The fans were crying to have at least one professional team in Minnesota.

 

[Old Salt]

To my Liberal friends and members of the ACLU
Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

 

[jokersarewild]

To my Liberal friends and members of the ACLU
Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

I'm offended!

Also, we are the greatest America, ya ****in' commie!

 

[Old Salt]

To my Liberal friends and members of the ACLU
Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

I'm offended!

Also, we are the greatest America, ya ****in' commie!

Here's a life-lesson, I guess. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, you can't please everyone and will offend some.

 

[Old Salt]

I’ve just heard from a Norwegian friend in Northern Minnesota who says his wife has been somewhat annoying, lately.

He says it has been snowing there heavily for three days now, and this morning it was -32 degrees.
His wife has done nothing but stare through the window the whole time.

He said, "If she doesn't stop soon, he’ll probably have to let her in".

 

[Old Salt]

World's Shortest Books (Revised List)

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
____________________________________________

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
by Tiger Woods
____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________________

A COMPLETE LIST OF ALL THE REAL JOBS I'VE HELD
by Barack Obama
______________________________________

MY BOOK OF VIRTUES
by Joe Biden
____________________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
__________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by the
Rev. Jesse Jackson
_______________________________________

MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY
by Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama

 

[Old Salt]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...???