joke of the day.

[ImWithStupid]

poor IWS, can't aviod the language filter no matter where you go.

Leave me alone. Whaaaa!

 

[Old Salt]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going
by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ?Perfect
timing. You're just like Frank.?

Passenger: ?Who??

Cabbie: ?Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did
everything right all the time. Like my coming along when
you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman
every single time.?

Passenger: ?There are always a few clouds over
everybody.?

Cabbie: ?Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf
with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced
like a Broadway star nd you should have heard him play the
piano. He was an amazing guy.?

Passenger: ?Sounds like he was something really
special.?

Cabbie: ?There's more... He had a memory like a
computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,
he could do everything right.?

Passenger: ?Wow, some guy then.?

Cabbie: ?He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic
and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get
stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he
really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He
would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a
mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.?

Passenger: ?An amazing fellow. How did you meet him??

Cabbie: ?Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.
I married his fukking widow.?

You beat me to it. I was gonna post this one. You must be getting your jokes from the same place I am.

 

[Old Salt]

Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake .

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."


VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!


Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."


BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!


Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ......"



Dats all. Dere ain't no more!



Watcha lookin' down here for? I told you dere's no more.!

 

[Old Salt]

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the White man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing. All night smoking peace-pipe and having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

 

[ImWithStupid]

I didn't check the facts on this, it's a damn joke so leave me alone if it isn't true...

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60
years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO)
with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just
outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many
say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal
agencies and organizations.


However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948,
nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer


I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!


Now You Know.

 

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the White man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing. All night smoking peace-pipe and having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

I didn't check the facts on this, it's a damn joke so leave me alone if it isn't true...

both of these were freakin hilarious.

 

[Old Salt]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.

 

[ImWithStupid]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.

That one's funny as hell. I've heard it before but laugh every time.

 

[eddo]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.

it's supposed to be bigger than a AAA battery???

 

[ImWithStupid]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, were getting very drunk
at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a
twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even
drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to
give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and
you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're
disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain
everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla
drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes
was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the
cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,
"But this is forty bucks..."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my
pants, too.

 

[Old Salt]

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[Chi]

it's supposed to be bigger than a AAA battery???

Don't worry Eddo, as long as it's bigger than a watch battery you're all good.

 

[ToriAllen]

A man and woman were sitting on their front porch enjoying the afternoon of their 40th anniversary. All of a sudden, the woman got up, walked across the porch and smacked her husband across the face.

Shocked, her husband asked, "What was that for?"

She said, "That is for 40 years of bad sex." Then she sat back down.

A few minutes later the husband got up, walked across the porch and smacked his wife across the face.

She looked up at him and asked, "What was that for?"

He answered, "That's for knowing the difference."

 

[eddo]

Don't worry Eddo, as long as it's bigger than a watch battery you're all good.

How bigs the watch?

 

[ImWithStupid]

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

 

[Chi]

How bigs the watch?

Wacky Wearable Gadget: World?s Smallest Watch For Your Finger Nail

 

[eddo]

Wacky Wearable Gadget: World?s Smallest Watch For Your Finger Nail

right on!

Just call me Ron Jeremy from now on!

 

[RoyalOrleans]

right on!

Just call me Ron Jeremy from now on!

The Hedgehog? Oh man... that's a compliment!

 

[Chi]

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you. As I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

 

[Old Salt]

ONE


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets



TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE


A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'




FOUR


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door lock. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote 'thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk..' (she had no clue either!)



FIVE


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,

'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.



SIX


I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.'

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.




SEVEN


My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.

Do you guys have a fire downtown?'



EIGHT


Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.



NINE


A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine.

The mother says, 'Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer..... '

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency room!'



Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid