joke of the day.

[eddo]

ONE


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

I had a similar type of convo at a McDonalds once. I ordered a burger and a medium fries.

To which I was told "Sorry sir, we don't have medium sized fries."

What sizes do you have?

"Small, Large, and extra large."

Wouldn't that make the large one the medium, since in the middle?

"No sir, it's a large."

ok, I'll take a large...

 

[Old Salt]

Chief Firewood

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'


Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

 

[Ahhlee]

I had a similar type of convo at a McDonalds once. I ordered a burger and a medium fries.

To which I was told "Sorry sir, we don't have medium sized fries."

What sizes do you have?

"Small, Large, and extra large."

Wouldn't that make the large one the medium, since in the middle?

"No sir, it's a large."

ok, I'll take a large...

OMG! haha!

Or when I went to Barnes & Noble and my total came to $50.55.

I handed the cashier $100 and then after looking further I realized I had $1 and gave her that, too (to round out my change). She looked at me with the most startled expression and said, "I already rang in $100. I don't want to mess up my till," she said, smugly.

"Fine" I thought to myself and waited to get my change only to discover she didn't have enough 10's and had to call her manager over. When the manager arrived, I saw her take a $50 out of the till to make change and I said, "Excuse me, but I do have a dollar if that will help."

"Yes!" the manager replied and promptly gave me my $50.45 in change.

I thanked the manager, looked at the cashier, rolled my eyes and walked out the door.

 

[Chi]

OMG! haha!

Or when I went to Barnes & Noble and my total came to $50.55.

I handed the cashier $100 and then after looking further I realized I had $1 and gave her that, too (to round out my change). She looked at me with the most startled expression and said, "I already rang in $100. I don't want to mess up my till," she said, smugly.

"Fine" I thought to myself and waited to get my change only to discover she didn't have enough 10's and had to call her manager over. When the manager arrived, I saw her take a $50 out of the till to make change and I said, "Excuse me, but I do have a dollar if that will help."

"Yes!" the manager replied and promptly gave me my $50.45 in change.

I thanked the manager, looked at the cashier, rolled my eyes and walked out the door.

That's happened to me several times before I'll be like I have so-so, so my change will be given back to me more evenly and the person ringing me up will be confused. Then I explain slowly to them and they are like Ohhh

 

[Old Salt]

Quite a few years ago, I bought a coat for my wife. It came to just under $100. I gave the girl a $100 bill and she had to stand there and think about how much change (a matter of a dollar or so) she was gonna have to give me.

 

[Old Salt]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

[ImWithStupid]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Damn,

'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. Hetakes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'




'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.

 

[ImWithStupid]

That's happened to me several times before I'll be like I have so-so, so my change will be given back to me more evenly and the person ringing me up will be confused. Then I explain slowly to them and they are like Ohhh

I've had similar situations as you guys with stupid clerks that don't know how to do math in their head or count change so I started messing with them.

If you really want to watch their heads explode, do this. Next time you are in a drive-thru or at a convenience store or something, if your total comes to, lets say, $4.78. You give them something like, $6.32, then watch the agony on their face while they try to wrap their head around what to do.

 

[Ahhlee]

I've had similar situations as you guys with stupid clerks that don't know how to do math in their head or count change so I started messing with them.

If you really want to watch their heads explode, do this. Next time you are in a drive-thru or at a convenience store or something, if your total comes to, lets say, $4.78. You give them something like, $6.32, then watch the agony on their face while they try to wrap their head around what to do.

Awww come on now! That's just mean! haha!

We deal with a lot of Canadian money at my business and the look of terror on the kids' faces when they get some funny money is classic. I made a simple conversion chart for them and taught them how to do it on the calculator but when it actually happens they freeze up like deer in headlights.

Ehh...part of growing up, I suppose.

 

[Old Salt]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[Old Salt]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . "

Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

 

[Old Salt]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell some one who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[eddo]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him seductively.

"Hi, My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
-- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked, coyly.







"B. J. Titsengolf"

 

[RoyalOrleans]

An East End Londoner comes home from work one evening to find his wife having sex with two men on the living room floor.

He says, (in my best ney accent) "Well... 'ello, 'ello."

The wife looks up at her husband and replies, (again in my best ney accent) "Whuhht? You not saying 'ello to me?".

 

[Old Salt]

This isn't really a joke, it's too close to the truth, but...

Notice...

Due to recent budget cuts, and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil as well as current market conditions, "The Light at the End of the Tunnel" has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

 

[Old Salt]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: "What in the hell is that?"

Mabel: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Maude: "Where did you get it?"

Mabel: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

 

[Old Salt]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head tipped to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?



SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shat myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

[Old Salt]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

 

[eddo]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
Add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.



At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.



So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
You won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

 

[Chi]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
Add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.



At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.



So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
You won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

lol. And some people like to drink their mezcal tequila with a worm at the bottom